Wife has a lazy, procrastinator streak

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ooops I meant what are examples of the preferred tasks?

I love the core aspects of my job and can hyperfocus on those tasks. I’m a workaholic for my primary job and do very well. Same for school. Very high academic achiever.

It can take me weeks/months to complete “boring”/uninteresting tasks.

So external factors things like school and work get prioritized.

Meanwhile homelife and house and general schedule (not managed by secretary or spouse or mother) in shambles.

Wait, what? I don’t see any indication that anyone’s home life is in shambles.
I have ADD. I can give you more examples of my preferred activities:
- playing imagination games with kids, making up rules and stories
- cooking/baking, particularly if it’s something I haven’t made before. Love it when the kids help, even if they make a mess.
- long family dinners where we laugh and joke a lot
- swimming, hiking, sailing
- working out in the garden (particularly this time of year)
- dancing to loud music and acting silly
- reading (to myself or out loud)
- math, puzzles, puzzle games
- and, of course, working in my chosen profession and teaching adult learners about my work


Things I am not good at:
- filling out forms
- getting places exactly on time
- leaving places exactly on time (basically any transition…I always marvel at people who just get into their car and drive away. I always feel like I have shot that I need to do and adjust before I go)
- getting up in the morning
- decorating the house
- throwing parties/entertaining

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ooops I meant what are examples of the preferred tasks?

I love the core aspects of my job and can hyperfocus on those tasks. I’m a workaholic for my primary job and do very well. Same for school. Very high academic achiever.

It can take me weeks/months to complete “boring”/uninteresting tasks.

So external factors things like school and work get prioritized.

Meanwhile homelife and house and general schedule (not managed by secretary or spouse or mother) in shambles.

Wait, what? I don’t see any indication that anyone’s home life is in shambles.
I have ADD. I can give you more examples of my preferred activities:
- playing imagination games with kids, making up rules and stories
- cooking/baking, particularly if it’s something I haven’t made before. Love it when the kids help, even if they make a mess.
- long family dinners where we laugh and joke a lot
- swimming, hiking, sailing
- working out in the garden (particularly this time of year)
- dancing to loud music and acting silly
- reading (to myself or out loud)
- math, puzzles, puzzle games
- and, of course, working in my chosen profession and teaching adult learners about my work


Things I am not good at:
- filling out forms
- getting places exactly on time
- leaving places exactly on time (basically any transition…I always marvel at people who just get into their car and drive away. I always feel like I have shot that I need to do and adjust before I go)
- getting up in the morning
- decorating the house
- throwing parties/entertaining

PP. We should be friends and invite OP's wife to hang out with us, too. He's missing out!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s called ADHD.

Would it be called that if it were the husband? Or man child?

ADHD, absolutely.

Why can't it just be lazy procrastinator? I'm pretty sure I'm a lazy procrastinator (here I am on DCUM!). I would love it to be something explainable like ADHD but that seems like a lazy excuse. ha.

And this right here is exactly what keeps people from a diagnosis, keeps those of us with ADHD in constant self loathing, and destroys relationships. These tasks are actually incredibly hard for her, OP. It’s okay to be frustrated but she’s not being lazy. She’s struggling. She doesn’t want to be this person. You can get help or at least set her up for success by operating differently.

+1

It’s not “an excuse”. It’s understanding the issue and how to fix it.

And then fixing it. Takes action and new habits by both parties.

Or OP could work on fixing his anger and anxiety.
Does it actually make any kind of real impact on his life if $2500 is not invested properly? Or his wife doesn’t keep up with the new exercise routine she talked about?

One day, his wife is going to develop some self esteem and leave.

[Anonymous]

First, I would slap DH if he ever called me lazy. I am sure she does plenty. Second, I do what I want when I want to. Yes, my DH gets annoyed sometimes but his urgency does not negate my urgency about something. If you want it done SO bad, then YOU do it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ooops I meant what are examples of the preferred tasks?

I love the core aspects of my job and can hyperfocus on those tasks. I’m a workaholic for my primary job and do very well. Same for school. Very high academic achiever.

It can take me weeks/months to complete “boring”/uninteresting tasks.

So external factors things like school and work get prioritized.

Meanwhile homelife and house and general schedule (not managed by secretary or spouse or mother) in shambles.

Wait, what? I don’t see any indication that anyone’s home life is in shambles.
I have ADD. I can give you more examples of my preferred activities:
- playing imagination games with kids, making up rules and stories
- cooking/baking, particularly if it’s something I haven’t made before. Love it when the kids help, even if they make a mess.
- long family dinners where we laugh and joke a lot
- swimming, hiking, sailing
- working out in the garden (particularly this time of year)
- dancing to loud music and acting silly
- reading (to myself or out loud)
- math, puzzles, puzzle games
- and, of course, working in my chosen profession and teaching adult learners about my work


Things I am not good at:
- filling out forms
- getting places exactly on time
- leaving places exactly on time (basically any transition…I always marvel at people who just get into their car and drive away. I always feel like I have shot that I need to do and adjust before I go)
- getting up in the morning
- decorating the house
- throwing parties/entertaining

PP. We should be friends and invite OP's wife to hang out with us, too. He's missing out!

.

[Anonymous]

This paperwork can be done at any Bank of America branch if paying the notary fee is the issue. The wife doesn’t have to go to 1 specific branch. The person suggesting only one specific branch in the entire country can handle this routine paperwork is an idiot, or y the wife found the thread. Either way, this sort of inertia isn’t normal. de

[Anonymous]

I am wife.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just do it all together, like I do with elderly relatives. Call together on the phone, “Hi, I’m on the line with my wife, who’d like to authorize blah blah blah. Wife, can you please verify blah blah blah.” Then print what you need, get it notarized together, do the rest together, whatever. It’s not worth the battle. You just need her to affirm her intent and prove her identity. You do the rest. The only goal here is to just get it done since you can’t change her behavior.

I love this idea and my dh and I have done this before when I don’t know much about the issue we are trying to solve or something. It works for us!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ooops I meant what are examples of the preferred tasks?

I love the core aspects of my job and can hyperfocus on those tasks. I’m a workaholic for my primary job and do very well. Same for school. Very high academic achiever.

It can take me weeks/months to complete “boring”/uninteresting tasks.

So external factors things like school and work get prioritized.

Meanwhile homelife and house and general schedule (not managed by secretary or spouse or mother) in shambles.

Wait, what? I don’t see any indication that anyone’s home life is in shambles.
I have ADD. I can give you more examples of my preferred activities:
- playing imagination games with kids, making up rules and stories
- cooking/baking, particularly if it’s something I haven’t made before. Love it when the kids help, even if they make a mess.
- long family dinners where we laugh and joke a lot
- swimming, hiking, sailing
- working out in the garden (particularly this time of year)
- dancing to loud music and acting silly
- reading (to myself or out loud)
- math, puzzles, puzzle games
- and, of course, working in my chosen profession and teaching adult learners about my work


Things I am not good at:
- filling out forms
- getting places exactly on time
- leaving places exactly on time (basically any transition…I always marvel at people who just get into their car and drive away. I always feel like I have shot that I need to do and adjust before I go)
- getting up in the morning
- decorating the house
- throwing parties/entertaining

Is this list a joke? The first "activities" are all fun hobbies and a good way to spend any day the second is a list of regular adult responsibilities. lol lol. SMH.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ooops I meant what are examples of the preferred tasks?

I love the core aspects of my job and can hyperfocus on those tasks. I’m a workaholic for my primary job and do very well. Same for school. Very high academic achiever.

It can take me weeks/months to complete “boring”/uninteresting tasks.

So external factors things like school and work get prioritized.

Meanwhile homelife and house and general schedule (not managed by secretary or spouse or mother) in shambles.

Wait, what? I don’t see any indication that anyone’s home life is in shambles.
I have ADD. I can give you more examples of my preferred activities:
- playing imagination games with kids, making up rules and stories
- cooking/baking, particularly if it’s something I haven’t made before. Love it when the kids help, even if they make a mess.
- long family dinners where we laugh and joke a lot
- swimming, hiking, sailing
- working out in the garden (particularly this time of year)
- dancing to loud music and acting silly
- reading (to myself or out loud)
- math, puzzles, puzzle games
- and, of course, working in my chosen profession and teaching adult learners about my work


Things I am not good at:
- filling out forms
- getting places exactly on time
- leaving places exactly on time (basically any transition…I always marvel at people who just get into their car and drive away. I always feel like I have shot that I need to do and adjust before I go)
- getting up in the morning
- decorating the house
- throwing parties/entertaining

Is this list a joke? The first "activities" are all fun hobbies and a good way to spend any day the second is a list of regular adult responsibilities. lol lol. SMH.

It blows my mind that so many ADD adults think ‘I like doing fun stuff I enjoy, and I don’t like doing the boring stuff I don’t enjoy” is somehow special, unique, or pathological. I know someone will quote post this and say brain chemistry, I literally physically can’t do boring stuff blah blah blah. Okay whatever. But finding boring stuff boring is called….being normal!!

[Anonymous]

Do you have kids? Also I feel like we need another example or more info to give advice. The bonds are hers. You may think it's stupid to not cash them in and it may be but it's not really something you have standing to complain about unless as a married couple you are stuggling financially and the 2500 has been earmarked for something you've both agreed on.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Early 30s. My spouse has a habit of not following through on stuff. She'll say stuff out of the blue like "oh we should wake up early and go for runs in the AM", "oh we should do X more often", "oh I need to remember to mail this form in", "oh I need to remember to cancel X this week", and then she forgets about it or does nothing to actually see things to the end. When I ask her nicely about it she gets angry or frustrated.

There were some pretty bad codependency and boundary issues with her parents that we've addressed via marriage counseling that I think have something to do with it, where even in married adulthood she'd fall into the helpless young child role and let strong and smart mom and dad basically do things and make all decisions for her.

Most recently there were some old paper bonds in her name she received as baptism gifts in the 90s. Today they're worth ~$2500. There's a Treasury form you need to print, get notarized, and mail in. Treasury direct deposits the proceeds. That's pretty much it. Her mom handed over the bonds in January 2022. She needs me to drive her to the bank because she doesn't feel comfortable driving in the city. Notary has to be BoA because they're free to their cardholders and she doesn't want to pay a fee for a notary.

In early 2022 I asked if she has downtime can she call BoA and get a notary appointment. She forgets to call. I ask her a week later. She forgets again and there's an argument because I'm "impatient" and she will handle it. Fast forward a full year, I say "hey maybe we should cash the bonds so we can invest them rather than just $2500 sitting in unusable paper form". She promises to call but forgets again. I ask her again 2 weeks later and same cycle, argument because I'm impatient and she will handle it.

I'd love to just take care of it myself (which is what typically ends up happening), but the bonds are not in my name and I can't call BoA and impersonate her to make a notary appointment. This is just the most recent example. I try to be patient but sometimes it just feels like I'm dealing with a child rather than an equal partner.

Maybe “we” should invest them? “I’d live to take care of it myself”? It is not your money and there is no “we” in this story. This money is not yours and you have no marital claim to it because it was given to her as a baptismal gift, which predates your marriage.

If I were your wife, I would be exhibiting the same kind of “incompetence” in order to avoid a fight with a husband who clearly lacks boundaries. Step back and shut your mouth about it. Again, this is not your money. You can have your own private thoughts about what your wife should do about it, but if you persistently advise or pressure or judge her, you are, frankly, no better or different than her boundary-crossing parents. Remember, people tend to marry a spouse that replicates their childhood family environment, even if it was a bad one, because it feels comfortable.

[Anonymous]

Maybe the spouse has already cashed in the bonds & spent the money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s called ADHD.

Would it be called that if it were the husband? Or man child?

ADHD, absolutely.

Why can't it just be lazy procrastinator? I'm pretty sure I'm a lazy procrastinator (here I am on DCUM!). I would love it to be something explainable like ADHD but that seems like a lazy excuse. ha.

And this right here is exactly what keeps people from a diagnosis, keeps those of us with ADHD in constant self loathing, and destroys relationships. These tasks are actually incredibly hard for her, OP. It’s okay to be frustrated but she’s not being lazy. She’s struggling. She doesn’t want to be this person. You can get help or at least set her up for success by operating differently.

+1

It’s not “an excuse”. It’s understanding the issue and how to fix it.

And then fixing it. Takes action and new habits by both parties.

No shit.

It’s hard to fix without understanding the issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do have diagnosed ADHD. I forget things all the time but I am definitely not lazy. I wish people would recognize it is an actual brain disorder and not something I’m doing on purpose.

Exactly.