Wife has a lazy, procrastinator streak

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s called ADHD.

Would it be called that if it were the husband? Or man child?

ADHD, absolutely.

Why can't it just be lazy procrastinator? I'm pretty sure I'm a lazy procrastinator (here I am on DCUM!). I would love it to be something explainable like ADHD but that seems like a lazy excuse. ha.

It could be. There’s more to ADHD than procrastinating. Have you been evaluated?

I personally have always been a high achiever but still have abysmal executive function.

Same.

I’m not lazy but did many of the same thing as OP’s wife when I was younger. And would do now if I didn’t use tools (electronic calendars, reminders, task apps, auto payments, etc) to force myself to stay on top of things.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is me. To a T. I'm really, really organized and on top of stuff at work, btw. But I despise administrative tasks (not because I think they're beneath me, I just don't like using that part of my brain I guess). It's caused some tension at home. Especially when we were doing work on our house, merging finances, or moving. Yikes.

People like to say it's ADHD. I don't have any interest in being labeled or medicated, personally. But the one thing that changed it for me was writing *everything* down. My Google calendar is my lifeline. If it is not in my calendar, it does not get done, period. So I write everything in there. Shared calendars help, too. Whatever tech tool your spouse needs to be able to track things would help immensely.

Also: hiring tasks out when you can (if I ever rent out a home again I will 100% hire a property manager)

and

no more judging/shaming!!!! I know it's annoying. But whether it is a diagnosed clinical condition or just an irritating personality quirk, it is a part of the person you loved and married, so to some extent, suck it up!

You avoid non-preferred tasks. Typical for ADHD.

[Anonymous]

I don’t get why you couldn’t drive her into the city for the notary appointment. You could even tack on a lunch date or museum excursion and make it a day in the city. Do you want to get it done or would you rather continue to wallow in contempt for your wife?

[Anonymous]

I'm like your wife but the difference is my husband never enabled me. He might say something like "You'd better take care of that" and that would be it. If the $2500 never materialized, that was on me.
Now that I have kids it's not an option to be so lazy so I have a constant to-do list that I check many times a day. It's the only way I can function (other than Adderall which is really not healthy.) As I took on kid responsibilities I have shifted house type things to my husband to keep track of.
If you have a day off work or something, you could say "I'm planning to get these two annoying tasks done this morning. It would be a good idea if you got __ done. Then let's go out for lunch."

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is me. To a T. I'm really, really organized and on top of stuff at work, btw. But I despise administrative tasks (not because I think they're beneath me, I just don't like using that part of my brain I guess). It's caused some tension at home. Especially when we were doing work on our house, merging finances, or moving. Yikes.

People like to say it's ADHD. I don't have any interest in being labeled or medicated, personally. But the one thing that changed it for me was writing *everything* down. My Google calendar is my lifeline. If it is not in my calendar, it does not get done, period. So I write everything in there. Shared calendars help, too. Whatever tech tool your spouse needs to be able to track things would help immensely.

Also: hiring tasks out when you can (if I ever rent out a home again I will 100% hire a property manager)

and

no more judging/shaming!!!! I know it's annoying. But whether it is a diagnosed clinical condition or just an irritating personality quirk, it is a part of the person you loved and married, so to some extent, suck it up!

You avoid non-preferred tasks. Typical for ADHD.

What are examples of non-preferred tasks? Thank you.

[Anonymous]

ooops I meant what are examples of the preferred tasks?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ooops I meant what are examples of the preferred tasks?

This is different for everyone. I enjoy cleaning the kitchen and bathroom and do it every day. I also like doing work in the yard.
My closet is a complete wreck and I have been putting it off for years. Anything involving a phone call will be put off indefinitely.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:ooops I meant what are examples of the preferred tasks?

I love the core aspects of my job and can hyperfocus on those tasks. I’m a workaholic for my primary job and do very well. Same for school. Very high academic achiever.

It can take me weeks/months to complete “boring”/uninteresting tasks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let. It. Go.
You are arguing /harping on this for over a year? Drop it. Maybe she doesn't want to hand that over to you, maybe she just doesn't think it's important, maybe she keeps forgetting. Who knows. Either way, she is making a choice not to do it - you may not think that's the right choice, but it's her choice.

It's almost 3k, you must be doing well if that's "forget about it" pocket change for you.

I had the same thought. You don't "let it go" when it is real money being wasted.

[Anonymous]

https://www.additudemag.com/adhd-motivation-problems-getting-started-on-tough-projects/

“One of my patients once told me: “I’ve got a sexual metaphor you can use to explain what it’s like to have ADHD. It’s like having erectile dysfunction of the mind. If the task you are faced with is something that turns you on, something that is really interesting for you, you’re ‘up for it’ and you can perform. But if the task is not something that’s intrinsically interesting to you, if it doesn’t turn you on, you can’t get up for it and you can’t perform. It doesn’t matter how much you tell yourself, ‘I need to, I ought to.’ It’s just not a willpower kind of thing.””

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s called ADHD.

Would it be called that if it were the husband? Or man child?

ADHD, absolutely.

Why can't it just be lazy procrastinator? I'm pretty sure I'm a lazy procrastinator (here I am on DCUM!). I would love it to be something explainable like ADHD but that seems like a lazy excuse. ha.

Because the ADHD brain causes the symptom of “lazy procrastination.”

Realizing and accepting ADHD brains work differently is the first step in developing actual strategies to address problematic behaviors. Accusing someone of being lazy is just shame-inducing which serves no one. Yeah, it sucks.

As for strategies:

Make the task interesting for your spouse.
Combine the task with something she is already doing.
Create some silly off-beat reminders.

And, honestly…if it’s important to you then it’s on you to do it. Accept that this is just one of those things and find strategies that work for you to manage the stress her brain causes your brain.

[Anonymous]

Why exactly would you have to “impersonate” her to make an appointment? You can say you’re calling to schedule it for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Let. It. Go.
You are arguing /harping on this for over a year? Drop it. Maybe she doesn't want to hand that over to you, maybe she just doesn't think it's important, maybe she keeps forgetting. Who knows. Either way, she is making a choice not to do it - you may not think that's the right choice, but it's her choice.

It's almost 3k, you must be doing well if that's "forget about it" pocket change for you.

I had the same thought. You don't "let it go" when it is real money being wasted.

I think the wife is avoiding commingling. Especially if their finances are such that this is real money, it’s probably a smart move.

[Anonymous]

For a second I actually thought this might be my husband posting! Your wife sounds like me - I’m super big picture and strategic, but the details and little things are constantly biting me in the ass. And I’m willing to bet this is one of your wife’s biggest insecurities (I know it is for me). I’m too focused on the big/long-term things (I.e.,managing multiple investment accounts, saving for college or retirement, my future career moves, how to improve our property value) that the day to day maintenance just gets overwhelming and deprioritized in my head. I can sleep peacefully knowing that if my husband were to die or leave me tomorrow, me and my kids will be just fine. Meanwhile, I’m driving on expired tags, have a giant pile of laundry that I am avoiding like the plague, and just got a call that my vet bill has been piling up for 3 months because I forgot to call and give them my new credit card number when my old one expired.

My husband is super organized and detail oriented and gets on me all the time for this. Him thinking I’m lazy or incompetent is the worst feeling in the world, when I’m working so hard to set us up for the future. I don’t think he appreciated it until he had an unexpected death in his immediate family and couldn’t function at work, and was able to comfortably take a 6 month leave of absence without pay because I have built such a cushion for us to prepare for these things.

I’m willing to bet your wife is similar - she cares greatly, just not about the small things. (Even if it’s not financial/she doesn’t work). But the small things do matter and I’ve made a concerted effort to try to get more organized. My husband also steps up and offers to do some of the “little tasks” like scheduling appointments, doing laundry, etc., because they are a breeze for him, but I get overwhelmed. In exchange I do his taxes and handle the emotional side of things with our kids that he hates doing (we have teenagers and they are emotional train wrecks at times). I come up with ideas for our house and draw them up and then he executes them and makes them happen. We both use our strengths to accomplish things together.

I would start by appreciating the things she does that she sees as important. Letting her know how much it means to you. Then try to help her with the little things that seem to frustrate or overwhelm her. And talk about getting a good organization system in place (storage for things, bins inside of cabinets, everything must have a place), making it easy to just put things where they go.

Take it easy on her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s called ADHD.

Would it be called that if it were the husband? Or man child?

ADHD, absolutely.

Why can't it just be lazy procrastinator? I'm pretty sure I'm a lazy procrastinator (here I am on DCUM!). I would love it to be something explainable like ADHD but that seems like a lazy excuse. ha.

And this right here is exactly what keeps people from a diagnosis, keeps those of us with ADHD in constant self loathing, and destroys relationships. These tasks are actually incredibly hard for her, OP. It’s okay to be frustrated but she’s not being lazy. She’s struggling. She doesn’t want to be this person. You can get help or at least set her up for success by operating differently.