Wife has a lazy, procrastinator streak

[Anonymous]

OP, I get it. But you CAN call and make the appointment for the notary for her, just like if you were her PA. But, will she go? Can you make it on a Saturday and go together?

[Anonymous]

Issues like this is why I didn't marry someone who was too type A and OCD controlling. The one person I dated like this wanted everything to be so orderly I felt like I had no room to breathe. I have adhd and I didn't want to be reminded about this stuff daily when I had so many of my own goals and wishes to try to handle. I like to be given a deadline so that I can be sure to get it done by that date and the dinner after it sounds wonderful. We do something like this at work as well where we have a weekly plan and then if we get 85% or more of the plan completed, we celebrate as a team. Daily issues and safety, time sensitive, and very large issues I understand have to get done on time, but these one-time things I didn't want to be held to the fire on. I also work so feel like work and childcare and the home is often too much to complete on a perfect schedule. I've gotten so much better on task lists and completing tasks, but it really took until my 40's to get a daily checklist down and still I don't complete all that I want to in a day. I just manage it better. I'm a very good problem solver and can do a wider variety of things than my spouse when ends up meaning that I often have a longer to do list, but these one-time admin/monetary tasks cause me dread.

[Anonymous]

Just do it all together, like I do with elderly relatives. Call together on the phone, “Hi, I’m on the line with my wife, who’d like to authorize blah blah blah. Wife, can you please verify blah blah blah.” Then print what you need, get it notarized together, do the rest together, whatever. It’s not worth the battle. You just need her to affirm her intent and prove her identity. You do the rest. The only goal here is to just get it done since you can’t change her behavior.

[Anonymous]

Other than the parent relationship, I am very much like this. I focus on what needs to be done immediately or near term, and let the other things go. Sometimes, yes, for years. If I read all these posts, I guess I too have ADHD. I have a pretty successful career. Luckily my DH is nice and it isn’t his way or the highway or we’d have a real problem in our marriage.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I don’t get why you couldn’t drive her into the city for the notary appointment. You could even tack on a lunch date or museum excursion and make it a day in the city. Do you want to get it done or would you rather continue to wallow in contempt for your wife?

This.

If it was $250,000, and you actually cared about seeing the money invested well, what would you do? You would do something like the above, right?
So, either do that or recognize that you actually don’t care about it that much and let it go.

[Anonymous]

Uhh…she’s not acting like a child. Unless she just got baptized a year ago, she’s literally doing the exact same thing with the bonds that her “smart mom” was doing. This was how she saw adults function in her family. She isn’t waiting for you to step up and take over. She honestly doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal.

[Anonymous]

Are you my husband??? I am just like your wife and suspect I have ADHD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Uhh…she’s not acting like a child. Unless she just got baptized a year ago, she’s literally doing the exact same thing with the bonds that her “smart mom” was doing. This was how she saw adults function in her family. She isn’t waiting for you to step up and take over. She honestly doesn’t think it’s that big of a deal.

Good point

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ha. I had this exact same issue with my H over a bond that needed to be redeemed. I gave up trying to make him do the paperwork and it’s been sitting in a drawer for years. I don’t think it’s ADHD or laziness, exactly. It’s some kind of anxiousness he gets around doing things that he’s not sure how to do or that might be frustrating. He has zero distress tolerance in those situations, so he just avoids them endlessly. It’s taken me years to understand that later means never.

Hmm your wording here is interesting and really resonates with me.

[Anonymous]

I do have diagnosed ADHD. I forget things all the time but I am definitely not lazy. I wish people would recognize it is an actual brain disorder and not something I’m doing on purpose.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I do have diagnosed ADHD. I forget things all the time but I am definitely not lazy. I wish people would recognize it is an actual brain disorder and not something I’m doing on purpose.

This. It is so hard to even see clearly sometimes what I have to do. I can work very hard but it often feels like paddling furiously in an eddy with one oar.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like BOTH my husband and me. I'm quite a bit better at eventually getting stuff done, but both of us hate admin tasks like this, especially ones with multiple steps, phone calls, and errands. I'm convinced we both have some ADHD symptoms, but probably not enough to purse a diagnosis. (the main benefit of a diagnosis is meds, anyone can use ADHD strategies)

When I'm impatient at him for something I care about, I will sit down and do it with him. Otherwise, I try to just remember it is not my problem.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ooops I meant what are examples of the preferred tasks?

I love the core aspects of my job and can hyperfocus on those tasks. I’m a workaholic for my primary job and do very well. Same for school. Very high academic achiever.

It can take me weeks/months to complete “boring”/uninteresting tasks.

So external factors things like school and work get prioritized.

Meanwhile homelife and house and general schedule (not managed by secretary or spouse or mother) in shambles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:For a second I actually thought this might be my husband posting! Your wife sounds like me - I’m super big picture and strategic, but the details and little things are constantly biting me in the ass. And I’m willing to bet this is one of your wife’s biggest insecurities (I know it is for me). I’m too focused on the big/long-term things (I.e.,managing multiple investment accounts, saving for college or retirement, my future career moves, how to improve our property value) that the day to day maintenance just gets overwhelming and deprioritized in my head. I can sleep peacefully knowing that if my husband were to die or leave me tomorrow, me and my kids will be just fine. Meanwhile, I’m driving on expired tags, have a giant pile of laundry that I am avoiding like the plague, and just got a call that my vet bill has been piling up for 3 months because I forgot to call and give them my new credit card number when my old one expired.

My husband is super organized and detail oriented and gets on me all the time for this. Him thinking I’m lazy or incompetent is the worst feeling in the world, when I’m working so hard to set us up for the future. I don’t think he appreciated it until he had an unexpected death in his immediate family and couldn’t function at work, and was able to comfortably take a 6 month leave of absence without pay because I have built such a cushion for us to prepare for these things.

I’m willing to bet your wife is similar - she cares greatly, just not about the small things. (Even if it’s not financial/she doesn’t work). But the small things do matter and I’ve made a concerted effort to try to get more organized. My husband also steps up and offers to do some of the “little tasks” like scheduling appointments, doing laundry, etc., because they are a breeze for him, but I get overwhelmed. In exchange I do his taxes and handle the emotional side of things with our kids that he hates doing (we have teenagers and they are emotional train wrecks at times). I come up with ideas for our house and draw them up and then he executes them and makes them happen. We both use our strengths to accomplish things together.

I would start by appreciating the things she does that she sees as important. Letting her know how much it means to you. Then try to help her with the little things that seem to frustrate or overwhelm her. And talk about getting a good organization system in place (storage for things, bins inside of cabinets, everything must have a place), making it easy to just put things where they go.

Take it easy on her.

Oh please.

Wake up. Ideas without action are nothing. Big picture dreams without sensible plans and steps and details (gasp!), never get off the ground nor succeed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It’s called ADHD.

Would it be called that if it were the husband? Or man child?

ADHD, absolutely.

Why can't it just be lazy procrastinator? I'm pretty sure I'm a lazy procrastinator (here I am on DCUM!). I would love it to be something explainable like ADHD but that seems like a lazy excuse. ha.

And this right here is exactly what keeps people from a diagnosis, keeps those of us with ADHD in constant self loathing, and destroys relationships. These tasks are actually incredibly hard for her, OP. It’s okay to be frustrated but she’s not being lazy. She’s struggling. She doesn’t want to be this person. You can get help or at least set her up for success by operating differently.

+1

It’s not “an excuse”. It’s understanding the issue and how to fix it.

And then fixing it. Takes action and new habits by both parties.