Wife has a lazy, procrastinator streak
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Anonymous
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Early 30s. My spouse has a habit of not following through on stuff. She'll say stuff out of the blue like "oh we should wake up early and go for runs in the AM", "oh we should do X more often", "oh I need to remember to mail this form in", "oh I need to remember to cancel X this week", and then she forgets about it or does nothing to actually see things to the end. When I ask her nicely about it she gets angry or frustrated.
There were some pretty bad codependency and boundary issues with her parents that we've addressed via marriage counseling that I think have something to do with it, where even in married adulthood she'd fall into the helpless young child role and let strong and smart mom and dad basically do things and make all decisions for her. Most recently there were some old paper bonds in her name she received as baptism gifts in the 90s. Today they're worth ~$2500. There's a Treasury form you need to print, get notarized, and mail in. Treasury direct deposits the proceeds. That's pretty much it. Her mom handed over the bonds in January 2022. She needs me to drive her to the bank because she doesn't feel comfortable driving in the city. Notary has to be BoA because they're free to their cardholders and she doesn't want to pay a fee for a notary. In early 2022 I asked if she has downtime can she call BoA and get a notary appointment. She forgets to call. I ask her a week later. She forgets again and there's an argument because I'm "impatient" and she will handle it. Fast forward a full year, I say "hey maybe we should cash the bonds so we can invest them rather than just $2500 sitting in unusable paper form". She promises to call but forgets again. I ask her again 2 weeks later and same cycle, argument because I'm impatient and she will handle it. I'd love to just take care of it myself (which is what typically ends up happening), but the bonds are not in my name and I can't call BoA and impersonate her to make a notary appointment. This is just the most recent example. I try to be patient but sometimes it just feels like I'm dealing with a child rather than an equal partner. |
Anonymous
| It’s called ADHD. |
Anonymous
Would it be called that if it were the husband? Or man child? |
Anonymous
ADHD, absolutely. |
Anonymous
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My husband is like that. It's beyond frustrating. It's like parenting a child at times.
Make a to-do list for HER maybe seeing it on paper will help. Prioritize the list since she can't seem to do that on her own. About the bonds dial the phone for the bank and hold it up to her face. Maybe that would work. |
Anonymous
Ia this a joke? ADHD is the #1 armchair diagnosis around here. |
Anonymous
| Does she have a job? |
Anonymous
| If she's like this with tasks in general in a way that affects your day-to-day, I think it's worth some conversations and trying to fix. But if it's mostly these one-offs, just sit down and do it with her. |
Anonymous
Why can't it just be lazy procrastinator? I'm pretty sure I'm a lazy procrastinator (here I am on DCUM!). I would love it to be something explainable like ADHD but that seems like a lazy excuse. ha. |
Anonymous
| Why did you marry this? You chose her. I would not last 2 weeks with someone like this let alone marry them. good luck! |
Anonymous
And right on cue the poster below you gives the real. |
Anonymous
It could be. There’s more to ADHD than procrastinating. Have you been evaluated? I personally have always been a high achiever but still have abysmal executive function. |
Anonymous
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Let. It. Go.
You are arguing /harping on this for over a year? Drop it. Maybe she doesn't want to hand that over to you, maybe she just doesn't think it's important, maybe she keeps forgetting. Who knows. Either way, she is making a choice not to do it - you may not think that's the right choice, but it's her choice. |
Anonymous
Same. I'm like this and I'm just exhausted, I don't have the time and energy to do admin stuff and housework after a full work day and the kids finally going to sleep at 9:30. Is it ADHD or is it just needing a housewife? |
Anonymous
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This is me. To a T. I'm really, really organized and on top of stuff at work, btw. But I despise administrative tasks (not because I think they're beneath me, I just don't like using that part of my brain I guess). It's caused some tension at home. Especially when we were doing work on our house, merging finances, or moving. Yikes.
People like to say it's ADHD. I don't have any interest in being labeled or medicated, personally. But the one thing that changed it for me was writing *everything* down. My Google calendar is my lifeline. If it is not in my calendar, it does not get done, period. So I write everything in there. Shared calendars help, too. Whatever tech tool your spouse needs to be able to track things would help immensely. Also: hiring tasks out when you can (if I ever rent out a home again I will 100% hire a property manager) and no more judging/shaming!!!! I know it's annoying. But whether it is a diagnosed clinical condition or just an irritating personality quirk, it is a part of the person you loved and married, so to some extent, suck it up! |