Wife has a lazy, procrastinator streak

[Anonymous]

The purpose of bonds are to procrastinate on the money. That's how they build up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ooops I meant what are examples of the preferred tasks?

I love the core aspects of my job and can hyperfocus on those tasks. I’m a workaholic for my primary job and do very well. Same for school. Very high academic achiever.

It can take me weeks/months to complete “boring”/uninteresting tasks.

So external factors things like school and work get prioritized.

Meanwhile homelife and house and general schedule (not managed by secretary or spouse or mother) in shambles.

Wait, what? I don’t see any indication that anyone’s home life is in shambles.
I have ADD. I can give you more examples of my preferred activities:
- playing imagination games with kids, making up rules and stories
- cooking/baking, particularly if it’s something I haven’t made before. Love it when the kids help, even if they make a mess.
- long family dinners where we laugh and joke a lot
- swimming, hiking, sailing
- working out in the garden (particularly this time of year)
- dancing to loud music and acting silly
- reading (to myself or out loud)
- math, puzzles, puzzle games
- and, of course, working in my chosen profession and teaching adult learners about my work


Things I am not good at:
- filling out forms
- getting places exactly on time
- leaving places exactly on time (basically any transition…I always marvel at people who just get into their car and drive away. I always feel like I have shot that I need to do and adjust before I go)
- getting up in the morning
- decorating the house
- throwing parties/entertaining

Is this list a joke? The first "activities" are all fun hobbies and a good way to spend any day the second is a list of regular adult responsibilities. lol lol. SMH.

That’s ridiculous. Both lists are regular adult responsibilities.
Filling out forms isn’t more of an adult responsibility than making and sharing meals with your family.
Decorating your house isn’t more adult than making a garden.
Getting kids to and from school exactly on time isn’t more adult than working and providing for your family.

Didn’t someone way above make the claim that when outsiders are involved — teachers, colleagues, friends, extended family— that the ADHD takes more care and focus to do something well. But when it’s insiders like one’s spouse or own kids, they do it way less. Like someone else will take care of it or I’m busy or tired or whatever.

Almost sounds like masking and ASD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do have diagnosed ADHD. I forget things all the time but I am definitely not lazy. I wish people would recognize it is an actual brain disorder and not something I’m doing on purpose.

This. It is so hard to even see clearly sometimes what I have to do. I can work very hard but it often feels like paddling furiously in an eddy with one oar.

Have you gotten help from an executive functioning coach or adhd therapist?
They take into account your adhd and together you come up with systems and processes that work with you and your adhd brain. You then have to practice and do them.

Everyone with adhd has systems and processes. I thought everyone had them until I got married, and my husband started asking me about them.

As life’s demands or responsibilities change or increase you have to go back to the therapist and coach. And update systems and processes. On adhd people do this seamlessly: make sensible, effective systems for the demand, and then follow it, optimize it further.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The purpose of bonds are to procrastinate on the money. That's how they build up.

LOL as a finance person and a kindred spirit of Mrs. OP, I chuckled at this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do have diagnosed ADHD. I forget things all the time but I am definitely not lazy. I wish people would recognize it is an actual brain disorder and not something I’m doing on purpose.

Exactly.

It getting help for your ADHD, ON PURPOSE, is even worse than the original brain farts.

It can be difficult to get help. Find a doctor. Make an appt. Figure out insurance. Figure out testing. etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Don’t car insurance agencies charge more for untreated ADHD people than treated ADHD people or non-ADHD peoole due to accident rates?

Untreated ADHD doesn't automatically mean accidents. ??

[Anonymous]

So you married my ex!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:ooops I meant what are examples of the preferred tasks?

I love the core aspects of my job and can hyperfocus on those tasks. I’m a workaholic for my primary job and do very well. Same for school. Very high academic achiever.

It can take me weeks/months to complete “boring”/uninteresting tasks.

So external factors things like school and work get prioritized.

Meanwhile homelife and house and general schedule (not managed by secretary or spouse or mother) in shambles.

Wait, what? I don’t see any indication that anyone’s home life is in shambles.
I have ADD. I can give you more examples of my preferred activities:
- playing imagination games with kids, making up rules and stories
- cooking/baking, particularly if it’s something I haven’t made before. Love it when the kids help, even if they make a mess.
- long family dinners where we laugh and joke a lot
- swimming, hiking, sailing
- working out in the garden (particularly this time of year)
- dancing to loud music and acting silly
- reading (to myself or out loud)
- math, puzzles, puzzle games
- and, of course, working in my chosen profession and teaching adult learners about my work


Things I am not good at:
- filling out forms
- getting places exactly on time
- leaving places exactly on time (basically any transition…I always marvel at people who just get into their car and drive away. I always feel like I have shot that I need to do and adjust before I go)
- getting up in the morning
- decorating the house
- throwing parties/entertaining

NP.

You literally support what the last two posted said: you do the fun in-the-moment stuff (games, baking cookies) but do not do the not-fun but required stuff (tidy up, clean, pay bills, manage the yard, be on time, plan or execute a holiday or bday party, take care of things).

The previous poster said that my home life was in shambles. It isn’t. It might not look like yours. Birthdays and holidays tend to be focused on a lot of games and baking and a lot less planning and executing. I’m often either early or late to things. I have specific systems for tidying, and it’s never really that tidy. My yard is mostly flower and vegetable gardens with a lot of things my kids picked. I don’t think anyone would call it “managed.”
I know that I don’t always fit in with other people, but I gave up on that a long time ago, and I have found my friends. None of this means that I’m not a functional adult or that my kids or spouse have some kind of miserable home life.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do have diagnosed ADHD. I forget things all the time but I am definitely not lazy. I wish people would recognize it is an actual brain disorder and not something I’m doing on purpose.

This. It is so hard to even see clearly sometimes what I have to do. I can work very hard but it often feels like paddling furiously in an eddy with one oar.

Have you gotten help from an executive functioning coach or adhd therapist?
They take into account your adhd and together you come up with systems and processes that work with you and your adhd brain. You then have to practice and do them.

Everyone with adhd has systems and processes. I thought everyone had them until I got married, and my husband started asking me about them.

As life’s demands or responsibilities change or increase you have to go back to the therapist and coach. And update systems and processes. On adhd people do this seamlessly: make sensible, effective systems for the demand, and then follow it, optimize it further.

I think most do. They just see different life demands than you do. For example, they usually get bored and need a change every couple of years. You might see the demand to find ways not to get bored. They might see a demand to find a new job. Many ADHD people manage to make a regular transition to a different job or a different type of work within the same company pretty seamlessly.
Personally, I don’t really see ADD as the big personality flaw that you do. People with ADD are flexible, empathic, funny, and creative. Maybe the OP’s wife is ADHD, and she impulsively said that she wants to start running, and she didn’t follow through. But maybe she also impulsively initiates sex with him in the kitchen, when an NT woman never would. Maybe she makes mistakes, but maybe she is better able to empathize and less judgmental of him or their kids whenever someone spills the milk.
You have to take your spouse as they are. You don’t get to take your spouse, keep everything that you like about them, and try to change the things you don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I do have diagnosed ADHD. I forget things all the time but I am definitely not lazy. I wish people would recognize it is an actual brain disorder and not something I’m doing on purpose.

Exactly.

It getting help for your ADHD, ON PURPOSE, is even worse than the original brain farts.

It can be difficult to get help. Find a doctor. Make an appt. Figure out insurance. Figure out testing. etc.

Guess the stakes aren’t high enough.

I report to a C level person who’s quite open about his ADHD and being a 15 year AA member.
He manages a lot now. But will say Pls remind me, pls send heads up text, mornings are best. All sort of advice to working with him best.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t car insurance agencies charge more for untreated ADHD people than treated ADHD people or non-ADHD peoole due to accident rates?

Untreated ADHD doesn't automatically mean accidents. ??

Many adhd teens don’t even want to try to get a license. Maybe the previous generation was unaware of their driving anxiety and difficulties.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t car insurance agencies charge more for untreated ADHD people than treated ADHD people or non-ADHD peoole due to accident rates?

Untreated ADHD doesn't automatically mean accidents. ??

Many adhd teens don’t even want to try to get a license. Maybe the previous generation was unaware of their driving anxiety and difficulties.

Because the legal issues with accidents are out of control and there are too many ways of transportation to deal with now. It's not just cars. It's people, bicycles etc. All over.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t car insurance agencies charge more for untreated ADHD people than treated ADHD people or non-ADHD peoole due to accident rates?

Untreated ADHD doesn't automatically mean accidents. ??

Many adhd teens don’t even want to try to get a license. Maybe the previous generation was unaware of their driving anxiety and difficulties.

Because the legal issues with accidents are out of control and there are too many ways of transportation to deal with now. It's not just cars. It's people, bicycles etc. All over.

I think back to how accidents in the past just happened. They were called accidents. Now you dent someone's car and you could be sued for thousands.

[Anonymous]

Wtf, no you can’t.

DC doesn’t even send the police unless there’s a person injured. You just work out the car accident with insurance, cameras, and witnesses.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Wtf, no you can’t.

DC doesn’t even send the police unless there’s a person injured. You just work out the car accident with insurance, cameras, and witnesses.

What does the police have to do with it? I'm talking about the court system and personal liability. There are too many accidents waiting to happen in DC and the surrounding area for many people to deal with if they have adhd.