I got an email telling me my daughter is a mean girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is tricky. And I'm also suprised your daughter is 17 - this sounds like 13/14 year old behavior.

Was the letter in any way threatening to your daughter? Did it talk about school behavior specifically?

Considering your daughter is 17, and if she's a confident kid that can handle knowing someone doesn't like her enough to do this, I'd consider sharing it with both your daughter and the school admin.

I'd talk to my daughter about bullying/mean girl behavior, and ask her to think about if she's behaving this way to anyone - intentionally or not.

I'd consider responding to the email and pointing out that it's hard to act on this when it's present anonymously, since it takes both parties being involved to resolve this sort of thing. But in the end, I don't think I'd respond at all.

OP here - the email was not at all threatening. It basically just said “I know X. Over the past year, she has treated people horribly. She says untrue things to hurt people and once she decides she doesn’t like someone, she threatens anyone who talks to that person. She gossips about all her friends and she is hurting so many people. I think you should know this because your daughter is hurting so many people. You should know she is like this because one day people aren’t going to put up with her behavior.”

There is another paragraph with some more identifying information that I don’t want to share. The repetition of the “hurting so many people”and just the overall tone of the email seem like a teen texting (to me).

This is pretty awful. OP I don’t know why someone would make this up. I would have some serious discussions with your daughter; this is ugly behavior

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At age 17, OP, I would be concerned about the safety of my daughter.

Someone--mom, frenemy, or foe went through the trouble to send you an anonymous email. That is a red flag to me, regardless of how you view your daughter's behavior.

What does your spouse think?

I would never trust an anonymous email about my kid, especially one that sounds as creepy and stalker-like as that. My only debate would be whether to go to the police or not.

Lol there is nothing criminal about that email.

Stalking is criminal and we don’t know whether the email is just the tip of the iceberg.

Do you think the police know about a stalker and will connect this to the OP's daughter??

You've been watching too much TV. The police can't do anything and won't do anything. Waste of time.

You are ignorant.

Please fill me in on what the police will do when you bring them this anonymous email.

Typically they’ll ask if there are any other indicators of stalking and advise on things like restraining orders, should there be further indicators of stalking. They might also talk about safety. Depends on the individual police and how busy they are. They aren’t going to just tell her to go away.

- has worked on juvenile stalking cases

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would discuss it with your daughter. I don't know why you'd worry about it upsetting her -- as long as you stay empathetic and supportive of her, this is just something she should be able to deal with.

I also think there's a vast difference between being expected to "be everyone's friend" and being expected to treat everyone with kindness, and I'd have a conversation about that. Being popular does in fact come with some responsibilities, and one of them is that your behavior and opinions carry more weight. Even if your daughter does not mean to be gossipy or exclusionary, it can happen very easily. Sometimes teenagers (and adult women) normalize behaviors like talking about other girls when they aren't around, or keeping certain activities "secret" in order to avoid inviting certain people. These are unkind behaviors and there are better ways to handle them. I think you need to be talking with your daughter about what those better ways are.

As is always the case with this subject on DCUM, I remain disappointed in the attitude so many people have that kids who are less popular should simply accept being treated poorly by their peers even if that treatment is unnecessary and harmful.

Personally I’m shocked by the number of people who seem to think that an anonymous creepy email should be taken at face value. It is actually insane to me.

If I responded, the only response I would have is “I do not engage with anonymous correspondents.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At age 17, OP, I would be concerned about the safety of my daughter.

Someone--mom, frenemy, or foe went through the trouble to send you an anonymous email. That is a red flag to me, regardless of how you view your daughter's behavior.

What does your spouse think?

I would never trust an anonymous email about my kid, especially one that sounds as creepy and stalker-like as that. My only debate would be whether to go to the police or not.

Lol there is nothing criminal about that email.

Stalking is criminal and we don’t know whether the email is just the tip of the iceberg.

Do you think the police know about a stalker and will connect this to the OP's daughter??

You've been watching too much TV. The police can't do anything and won't do anything. Waste of time.

You are ignorant.

No, you are. I am not the person you are quoting, but they are correct. I have been a victim of a stalker and this email received by the OP is not criminal or even concerning in the eyes of the police/local prosecutor.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At age 17, OP, I would be concerned about the safety of my daughter.

Someone--mom, frenemy, or foe went through the trouble to send you an anonymous email. That is a red flag to me, regardless of how you view your daughter's behavior.

What does your spouse think?

I would never trust an anonymous email about my kid, especially one that sounds as creepy and stalker-like as that. My only debate would be whether to go to the police or not.

Lol there is nothing criminal about that email.

Stalking is criminal and we don’t know whether the email is just the tip of the iceberg.

Do you think the police know about a stalker and will connect this to the OP's daughter??

You've been watching too much TV. The police can't do anything and won't do anything. Waste of time.

You are ignorant.

Please fill me in on what the police will do when you bring them this anonymous email.

Typically they’ll ask if there are any other indicators of stalking and advise on things like restraining orders, should there be further indicators of stalking. They might also talk about safety. Depends on the individual police and how busy they are. They aren’t going to just tell her to go away.

- has worked on juvenile stalking cases

What the OP has described is not stalking. So "other stalking" and "further stalking" are not the correct terms.

[Anonymous]

I would absolutely read this email with my middle school daughter! We would talk about not being rude, and the line between snarky and exclusionary. Middle schoolers ARE sarcastic and snarky people naturally, so it’s a fine line sometimes and the kindest of them can get it wrong.

Also, your child might be able to identify the writer, and provide more context. There is a girl who harasses my daughter and her friends at school (being mean, went through a phase of mock-strangling them, which went right up to the line!), and I see clearly that this girl is jealous and insecure, but not a bad person at all. In a few years she might be a lovely friend. It’s important to build trust with your kids so they share stories. That way you can provide your more mature reflection and perspective on their middle school dramas and help them have compassion for others and advocate for themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would discuss it with your daughter. I don't know why you'd worry about it upsetting her -- as long as you stay empathetic and supportive of her, this is just something she should be able to deal with.

I also think there's a vast difference between being expected to "be everyone's friend" and being expected to treat everyone with kindness, and I'd have a conversation about that. Being popular does in fact come with some responsibilities, and one of them is that your behavior and opinions carry more weight. Even if your daughter does not mean to be gossipy or exclusionary, it can happen very easily. Sometimes teenagers (and adult women) normalize behaviors like talking about other girls when they aren't around, or keeping certain activities "secret" in order to avoid inviting certain people. These are unkind behaviors and there are better ways to handle them. I think you need to be talking with your daughter about what those better ways are.

As is always the case with this subject on DCUM, I remain disappointed in the attitude so many people have that kids who are less popular should simply accept being treated poorly by their peers even if that treatment is unnecessary and harmful.

Personally I’m shocked by the number of people who seem to think that an anonymous creepy email should be taken at face value. It is actually insane to me.

If I responded, the only response I would have is “I do not engage with anonymous correspondents.”

ITA. I once thought I was getting an anonymous letter of complaint in the mail. It was addressed to NEIGHBOR at my house, and I saw it in USPS informed digest (and the from line must have said something like YOUR FRIEND). The whole day I was imagining my response - and I was thinking I should post a sign and say - if you have something to say to me, say it to my face LOL. Anyway - when I finally opened the letter it was not a complaint, but an invitation to church. LOL.

[Anonymous]

If I got this email about my daughter, I would have a conversation with her about the following:

1. Gossip is not okay. Gossip is defined as saying negative (and sometimes untrue or unverified) things about another person when they aren't around. If you have negative opinions of someone, keep them to yourself or just share them with family or someone else well outside that social circle. Do not share negative opinions of people with mutual classmates, because the odds that this information will get back to them are pretty much always 100%. And discussing untrue or unverified rumors about someone is never okay. Ever. If you hear something concerning about a peer, you could talk to them directly about it or you could talk to a trusted adult. But if you discuss it as though it's true with other peers, you are in the wrong and could really hurt someone this way.

2. You don't have to be nice. You don't have to be everyone's friend. But if you are outwardly mean to people, if you go out of your way to hurt them, you have no idea how they might react. Don't assume people will just take it. Do not make fun of peers. Do not openly criticize other people's appearance, clothing, intelligence, families, or financial situation to their faces or to their peers (again, they will find out what you said). This is a hurtful, mean thing to do and refraining from it is not about being "nice" or being everyone's friend. It's literally just baseline kindness that you owe to everyone.

3. Don't get into a competition with others for attention or praise. This is a mark of insecurity and if you find yourself trying to best others in order to get more attention or praise, it is time to look within yourself and ask why you need that. A truly confident person doesn't need to be the center of attention, whether that attention is coming from a parent, a teacher, or a peer. A truly confident person will be happy for others when they are successful or get good feedback or validation. If seeing that happen for others make you feel like you need to disrupt the situation and pull attention towards yourself, or "top" them in order to steal their praise, then you have a problem.

This is what it is to be a mean girl. It's not about being popular or getting targeted because you're pretty. It's about doing hurtful things that cause social suffering and consequences. We still don't have good mechanisms for holding kids (or adults) responsible for this kind of behavior, but as someone who has experienced the isolation and harm of being gossiped about, told I was ugly or not good enough by peers, and pushed the side whenever I succeeded by someone who did not feel I deserved that success, I wish that more people would talk to their kids about these behaviors instead of turning a blind eye or trying to defend it as normal or acceptable. It's not.

[Anonymous]

OP, you absolutely need to share the email with school staff, no question. They need to look out for your daughter’s safety, as well as the safety of the sender. If you’re not comfortable with that, at least tell them that an anonymous email was sent to your student that was unsettling. The teachers need to be on the lookout.

[Anonymous]

My DD is in private school in DC, queen bees all over the place, and I'm guessing that's why my DD keeps a low profile and stays away from the drama. Has she told me this? No. I witness it firsthand when at school events (ie sports) and recognize the dynamic from when I was a young girl. I would never want to be a teenager in the DC area, not a chance, boy or girl.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I would discuss it with your daughter. I don't know why you'd worry about it upsetting her -- as long as you stay empathetic and supportive of her, this is just something she should be able to deal with.

I also think there's a vast difference between being expected to "be everyone's friend" and being expected to treat everyone with kindness, and I'd have a conversation about that. Being popular does in fact come with some responsibilities, and one of them is that your behavior and opinions carry more weight. Even if your daughter does not mean to be gossipy or exclusionary, it can happen very easily. Sometimes teenagers (and adult women) normalize behaviors like talking about other girls when they aren't around, or keeping certain activities "secret" in order to avoid inviting certain people. These are unkind behaviors and there are better ways to handle them. I think you need to be talking with your daughter about what those better ways are.

As is always the case with this subject on DCUM, I remain disappointed in the attitude so many people have that kids who are less popular should simply accept being treated poorly by their peers even if that treatment is unnecessary and harmful.

Personally I’m shocked by the number of people who seem to think that an anonymous creepy email should be taken at face value. It is actually insane to me.

If I responded, the only response I would have is “I do not engage with anonymous correspondents.”

Why is the email "creepy"? What about it is creepy? The only thing the email does is state that OP's daughter is engaged in harmful behaviors.

The only creepy thing about it to me is that it is anonymous, but I agree with OP it is likely from a fellow student and so that aspect reads as fearful/lacking in confidence to me. Not creepy. It sounds like someone who is having a hard time and looking for a way to report their experience to an adult who might be able to do something about it.

And to respond to some other PPs, there's no stalking here! The letter writer isn't tracking anyone's movements, following them, sending repeated unwanted texts or emails, watching them for a distance without their knowledge, etc. It's not stalking to send a single email complaining about behavior that you claim to have experienced or witnessed first hand. Presumably the letter writer goes to school with the OP's daughter, may be in her friend group, and is speaking based on her first-hand experience. Not stalking.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DD is in private school in DC, queen bees all over the place, and I'm guessing that's why my DD keeps a low profile and stays away from the drama. Has she told me this? No. I witness it firsthand when at school events (ie sports) and recognize the dynamic from when I was a young girl. I would never want to be a teenager in the DC area, not a chance, boy or girl.

eh .. that happens everywhere. It's not limited to DC. I grew up in CA.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had this happen to my son

I had a meeting with the boy, his mom, the school counselors and my son.

It went like this.

Counselor: Joe do you feel Rob excludes you on recess.
Joe: no Rob like soccer and football, I like to look for bugs.
Rob: I like to look for bugs would you like me to join you sometime
Joe: no not really

End of meeting.

It may not be entirely relevant to this mean girl situation but I love this story! I worked with special needs kids in an elementary school and can totally imagine this happening. One kid says the other kid is always mean to him and won't play with him at recess, the parents and the school officials take it seriously and set up a meeting, turns out the kid who is being excluded doesn't want to play with the other kid anyway. Thanks for sharing that!

[Anonymous]

I would be curious to find out, from those of you who think the email is creepy or stalkerish, what you think a tween or teen who was being bullied, gossiped about, unnecessarily excluded, teased, etc., should do to make that behavior stop?

Because the problem is that kids in that situation often have very few options. Teachers/administrators will often refuse to do anything or get involved unless a child is committing or threatening physical violence. So spreading a nasty rumor about how Larla is "weird" because of the way she dresses or because she just moved or doesn't have the right clothes or doesn't conform in some other way? This will be treated as a non-issue and someone complaining about it will be told to simply stay away from the perpetrators and "make other friends." But if the people doing it have a lot of social status and are vicious, which sometimes they are, they will escalate and Larla will become a pariah for no good reason. Social media might become involved, including finsta accounts that adults don't know about and can't see. The behavior will be carefully calibrated to ensure the perpetrators have plausible deniability?

Parents might not care either, and since kids are more likely to become targeted if they appear weak or nonconformist in other ways, it's often the case that victims of this kind of relational bullying have parents who might be abusive or absent, which is part of what marks them as a target to begin with.

There's no other place to appeal. If you met the perpetrators mom in passing or got the sense that they might be horrified to discover how their child was behaving, I don't think it's weird or creepy or stalkerish to try appealing to that person. I think it's desperate, but I think these situations can be desperate.

[Anonymous]

I +1 those who suggest talking to the school counselor. Maybe they can identify and help the sender, and maybe they can help you think about whether and how to discuss with your daughter (or maybe the counselor wants to talk with daughter or with you both).