I got an email telling me my daughter is a mean girl.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn't assume it's true, and I agree with a PP that this kind of behavior is creepy. Another perspective is that not everyone in middle school is either "mean" or "nice" and that things can be complicated. Girls get a lot of pressure to always be "nice" in middle school - smiling in the hall, saying hi, telling people they are pretty. It can be sort of toxic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It could be true, it could also be a mean girl trying to make someone even more miserable

OP here. All possible, but what do I do, now, as the parent and recipient? Because I feel like this is a teen, I feel some responsibility to act on it in some way. I just not sure how.

Hmm tricky, I would speak to my daughter without judgement saying you received this email and see if she knows what it could be about and maybe have a general chat about how friends feelings can be hurt easily even if they are not intended. If your daughter says she absolutely has done nothing wrong and has no idea what the email could be about, I would tell the sender that perhaps it would be best for her to speak to her school counselor about it.

This is my suggestion, also.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is tricky. And I'm also suprised your daughter is 17 - this sounds like 13/14 year old behavior.

Was the letter in any way threatening to your daughter? Did it talk about school behavior specifically?

Considering your daughter is 17, and if she's a confident kid that can handle knowing someone doesn't like her enough to do this, I'd consider sharing it with both your daughter and the school admin.

I'd talk to my daughter about bullying/mean girl behavior, and ask her to think about if she's behaving this way to anyone - intentionally or not.

I'd consider responding to the email and pointing out that it's hard to act on this when it's present anonymously, since it takes both parties being involved to resolve this sort of thing. But in the end, I don't think I'd respond at all.

OP here - the email was not at all threatening. It basically just said “I know X. Over the past year, she has treated people horribly. She says untrue things to hurt people and once she decides she doesn’t like someone, she threatens anyone who talks to that person. She gossips about all her friends and she is hurting so many people. I think you should know this because your daughter is hurting so many people. You should know she is like this because one day people aren’t going to put up with her behavior.”

There is another paragraph with some more identifying information that I don’t want to share. The repetition of the “hurting so many people”and just the overall tone of the email seem like a teen texting (to me).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At age 17, OP, I would be concerned about the safety of my daughter.

Someone--mom, frenemy, or foe went through the trouble to send you an anonymous email. That is a red flag to me, regardless of how you view your daughter's behavior.

What does your spouse think?

I would never trust an anonymous email about my kid, especially one that sounds as creepy and stalker-like as that. My only debate would be whether to go to the police or not.

Lol there is nothing criminal about that email.

Stalking is criminal and we don’t know whether the email is just the tip of the iceberg.

Do you think the police know about a stalker and will connect this to the OP's daughter??

You've been watching too much TV. The police can't do anything and won't do anything. Waste of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is tricky. And I'm also suprised your daughter is 17 - this sounds like 13/14 year old behavior.

Was the letter in any way threatening to your daughter? Did it talk about school behavior specifically?

Considering your daughter is 17, and if she's a confident kid that can handle knowing someone doesn't like her enough to do this, I'd consider sharing it with both your daughter and the school admin.

I'd talk to my daughter about bullying/mean girl behavior, and ask her to think about if she's behaving this way to anyone - intentionally or not.

I'd consider responding to the email and pointing out that it's hard to act on this when it's present anonymously, since it takes both parties being involved to resolve this sort of thing. But in the end, I don't think I'd respond at all.

OP here - the email was not at all threatening. It basically just said “I know X. Over the past year, she has treated people horribly. She says untrue things to hurt people and once she decides she doesn’t like someone, she threatens anyone who talks to that person. She gossips about all her friends and she is hurting so many people. I think you should know this because your daughter is hurting so many people. You should know she is like this because one day people aren’t going to put up with her behavior.”

There is another paragraph with some more identifying information that I don’t want to share. The repetition of the “hurting so many people”and just the overall tone of the email seem like a teen texting (to me).

That email actually seems pretty threatening to me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't assume it's true, and I agree with a PP that this kind of behavior is creepy. Another perspective is that not everyone in middle school is either "mean" or "nice" and that things can be complicated. Girls get a lot of pressure to always be "nice" in middle school - smiling in the hall, saying hi, telling people they are pretty. It can be sort of toxic.

That is true and that's also not what OP has described the email is saying. We don't know if it's true or not but from the first post, OP said the daughter is accused of gossiping and forcing friends to ostracize other kids. This isn't she didn't smile at someone in the hall.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At age 17, OP, I would be concerned about the safety of my daughter.

Someone--mom, frenemy, or foe went through the trouble to send you an anonymous email. That is a red flag to me, regardless of how you view your daughter's behavior.

What does your spouse think?

I would never trust an anonymous email about my kid, especially one that sounds as creepy and stalker-like as that. My only debate would be whether to go to the police or not.

Lol there is nothing criminal about that email.

Stalking is criminal and we don’t know whether the email is just the tip of the iceberg.

Do you think the police know about a stalker and will connect this to the OP's daughter??

You've been watching too much TV. The police can't do anything and won't do anything. Waste of time.

You are ignorant.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If you were sure it was all 100% true and accurate, what would you do? I would want to help my daughter with her social skills in a way that would serve her well for life.

To be fair, it seems like she has the type of social skills that will help her prosper

Yea I’m thinking if the girl is already popular she is excellent at socially navigating her way around. I can’t really weigh in in teen drama. I used to be a high school teacher and never was anyone’s side accurate. Also popular girls always have a gigantic target on their backs.

[Anonymous]

Trust the letter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I wouldn't assume it's true, and I agree with a PP that this kind of behavior is creepy. Another perspective is that not everyone in middle school is either "mean" or "nice" and that things can be complicated. Girls get a lot of pressure to always be "nice" in middle school - smiling in the hall, saying hi, telling people they are pretty. It can be sort of toxic.

That is true and that's also not what OP has described the email is saying. We don't know if it's true or not but from the first post, OP said the daughter is accused of gossiping and forcing friends to ostracize other kids. This isn't she didn't smile at someone in the hall.

It is a creepy and weird email for sure.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is tricky. And I'm also suprised your daughter is 17 - this sounds like 13/14 year old behavior.

Was the letter in any way threatening to your daughter? Did it talk about school behavior specifically?

Considering your daughter is 17, and if she's a confident kid that can handle knowing someone doesn't like her enough to do this, I'd consider sharing it with both your daughter and the school admin.

I'd talk to my daughter about bullying/mean girl behavior, and ask her to think about if she's behaving this way to anyone - intentionally or not.

I'd consider responding to the email and pointing out that it's hard to act on this when it's present anonymously, since it takes both parties being involved to resolve this sort of thing. But in the end, I don't think I'd respond at all.

OP here - the email was not at all threatening. It basically just said “I know X. Over the past year, she has treated people horribly. She says untrue things to hurt people and once she decides she doesn’t like someone, she threatens anyone who talks to that person. She gossips about all her friends and she is hurting so many people. I think you should know this because your daughter is hurting so many people. You should know she is like this because one day people aren’t going to put up with her behavior.”

There is another paragraph with some more identifying information that I don’t want to share. The repetition of the “hurting so many people”and just the overall tone of the email seem like a teen texting (to me).

That email actually seems pretty threatening to me.

Agreed. I wouldn't like the part I bolded. Probably that means all jerks get their comeuppance some day but it could absolutely read more threatening.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:At age 17, OP, I would be concerned about the safety of my daughter.

Someone--mom, frenemy, or foe went through the trouble to send you an anonymous email. That is a red flag to me, regardless of how you view your daughter's behavior.

What does your spouse think?

I would never trust an anonymous email about my kid, especially one that sounds as creepy and stalker-like as that. My only debate would be whether to go to the police or not.

Lol there is nothing criminal about that email.

Stalking is criminal and we don’t know whether the email is just the tip of the iceberg.

Do you think the police know about a stalker and will connect this to the OP's daughter??

You've been watching too much TV. The police can't do anything and won't do anything. Waste of time.

You are ignorant.

Please fill me in on what the police will do when you bring them this anonymous email.

[Anonymous]

Yeah I very much believe this is true. I would be really crushed / upset to receive this news, and would talk to my daughter WITHOUT mentioning that the email was sent…she’ll likely know who sent the email and make their life even more of a living hell.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Trust the letter.

Why on earth would you ever trust a weird and anonymous email? I would be much more inclined to believe exactly the opposite.

[Anonymous]

I would discuss it with your daughter. I don't know why you'd worry about it upsetting her -- as long as you stay empathetic and supportive of her, this is just something she should be able to deal with.

I also think there's a vast difference between being expected to "be everyone's friend" and being expected to treat everyone with kindness, and I'd have a conversation about that. Being popular does in fact come with some responsibilities, and one of them is that your behavior and opinions carry more weight. Even if your daughter does not mean to be gossipy or exclusionary, it can happen very easily. Sometimes teenagers (and adult women) normalize behaviors like talking about other girls when they aren't around, or keeping certain activities "secret" in order to avoid inviting certain people. These are unkind behaviors and there are better ways to handle them. I think you need to be talking with your daughter about what those better ways are.

As is always the case with this subject on DCUM, I remain disappointed in the attitude so many people have that kids who are less popular should simply accept being treated poorly by their peers even if that treatment is unnecessary and harmful.