How to help teen who lost all their elem-mid school friends because of rumors and bullying, canceled

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wow you people are nasty and your kids are no different. so glad we moved abroad. what a hell hole the US has become.

Seriously. This thread is appalling. Op, I hope you’re able to take advice from the handful of people who offered it. The rest of the posters should be ashamed of themselves.

Agreed. I don't know what OP's kid has allegedly done and I don't really care. The piling on, rumor mongering, nastiness I see around kids -and their parents- is truly appalling. There is no need for any of it. If you want to "cancel" (warranted or not) do it. But the piling on and public shaming is in the VAST majority of situations, just as bad as the offense.

The schools, parents, . . . . we teach all this touchy feely, mental health protective, stuff and this is the country and community we get despite that? This country is absolutely becoming a 3d rate, sh-- hole version of its former self. We treat each other appallingly. There is no forgiveness. No grace. No kindness. And save for a few posters on here giving helpful advice, OP should ignore everyone else. And you folks should be ashamed of yourselves. If this is what you're passing on to your little darlings, then god help us all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, wish I had good advice but I don’t. Just tons of sympathy. It happened to my kid in 7th grade when the most popular girl in school (who went on to become a model, which tells you something), cancelled her and got all of her friends to shut her out.
We didn’t know the extent of it until a year later but so much was on Snapchat and had since been erased. We went to the school and they said they could open an investigation but most of the kids had probably moved on and it would just bring the issue back to the surface. We decided it was not worth doing. And, I should add, what the bully did was actually criminal. But again, a police investigation would have just reopened the wound and there was no longer proof.
We ended up moving her to private school for HS. I still see the bully at HS events b/c my younger child now goes to the same HS as her and I want to kill the girl or at least hand her a bill for $130,000.
On the bright side, my DD is now a senior is HS and completely recovered. She rolls her eyes when I say I want to harm the girl and tells me to get over it.
Hang in there. It’s so so tough.

Hey PP, I get it that your mama bear instincts are raging, but they’re raging out of control. You’re talking to your kid about wanting to cause physical harm to another kid years after the fact. It’s time to let this go, maybe with the help of a therapist.

Oh please. She's venting. I would too. Get over yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This culture is alive in schools, it's just hidden from everyone and wrapped in the social justice culture in our public schools. Although the intent seems correct, many people get caught up and hurt by it. For more information, please visit: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/31/style/cancel-culture.html. In my child's situation, it wasn't related to rape or anything as severe as nude, but more in the lines of having a Christian value set and experiencing blowback about that, resulting in rumors being started about them being racist and bigoted.

Well, there are a lot of "Christian value set" people who are, in fact, racist and bigoted. I don't support children being "canceled" because their parents (you) taught them to be bigots, but this should be a wakeup call for your child that the beliefs they learned at home are not socially acceptable.

There are a lot of leftist progressives who are, in fact, racist and bigoted as well.

Not really. Not being tolerant of religious or other views that exclude, discriminate, or are bigoted is not being bigoted. People like to pull that card all the time "If you're not tolerant of my bigoted religious views then you're a bigot." Um, no.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This culture is alive in schools, it's just hidden from everyone and wrapped in the social justice culture in our public schools. Although the intent seems correct, many people get caught up and hurt by it. For more information, please visit: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/31/style/cancel-culture.html. In my child's situation, it wasn't related to rape or anything as severe as nude, but more in the lines of having a Christian value set and experiencing blowback about that, resulting in rumors being started about them being racist and bigoted.

Well, there are a lot of "Christian value set" people who are, in fact, racist and bigoted. I don't support children being "canceled" because their parents (you) taught them to be bigots, but this should be a wakeup call for your child that the beliefs they learned at home are not socially acceptable.

There are a lot of leftist progressives who are, in fact, racist and bigoted as well.

Not really. Not being tolerant of religious or other views that exclude, discriminate, or are bigoted is not being bigoted. People like to pull that card all the time "If you're not tolerant of my bigoted religious views then you're a bigot." Um, no.

who is the judge of what is bigoted, is there some government org?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, wish I had good advice but I don’t. Just tons of sympathy. It happened to my kid in 7th grade when the most popular girl in school (who went on to become a model, which tells you something), cancelled her and got all of her friends to shut her out.
We didn’t know the extent of it until a year later but so much was on Snapchat and had since been erased. We went to the school and they said they could open an investigation but most of the kids had probably moved on and it would just bring the issue back to the surface. We decided it was not worth doing. And, I should add, what the bully did was actually criminal. But again, a police investigation would have just reopened the wound and there was no longer proof.
We ended up moving her to private school for HS. I still see the bully at HS events b/c my younger child now goes to the same HS as her and I want to kill the girl or at least hand her a bill for $130,000.
On the bright side, my DD is now a senior is HS and completely recovered. She rolls her eyes when I say I want to harm the girl and tells me to get over it.
Hang in there. It’s so so tough.

Hey PP, I get it that your mama bear instincts are raging, but they’re raging out of control. You’re talking to your kid about wanting to cause physical harm to another kid years after the fact. It’s time to let this go, maybe with the help of a therapist.

Oh please. She's venting. I would too. Get over yourself.

+1 No need to introduce the therapy-industrial complex, PP sounds like she is doing fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This culture is alive in schools, it's just hidden from everyone and wrapped in the social justice culture in our public schools. Although the intent seems correct, many people get caught up and hurt by it. For more information, please visit: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/31/style/cancel-culture.html. In my child's situation, it wasn't related to rape or anything as severe as nude, but more in the lines of having a Christian value set and experiencing blowback about that, resulting in rumors being started about them being racist and bigoted.

Well, there are a lot of "Christian value set" people who are, in fact, racist and bigoted. I don't support children being "canceled" because their parents (you) taught them to be bigots, but this should be a wakeup call for your child that the beliefs they learned at home are not socially acceptable.

There are a lot of leftist progressives who are, in fact, racist and bigoted as well.

Not really. Not being tolerant of religious or other views that exclude, discriminate, or are bigoted is not being bigoted. People like to pull that card all the time "If you're not tolerant of my bigoted religious views then you're a bigot." Um, no.

who is the judge of what is bigoted, is there some government org?

Yes, the government org of common sense. If you're looking down at someone b/c of their views, treating them differently, wanting to deprive legal and civil rights . . . that's bigoted. But you already know that and are just attempting, and failing, to be cute.

And before you say it, no I don't want to deprive anyone of anything. I don't care that your religion frowns on (insert issue). That's your right. BUt that right stops at your pew and, in a civil society, insofar as your views/beliefs coerce or prevent access to other people (i.e., contraception) then, no, sorry, you should not have the right to dictate it for someone else.

[Anonymous]

Jeff says here that OP wrote the “Christian values” posts: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/weblog/2023/04/07/update040723

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wow you people are nasty and your kids are no different. so glad we moved abroad. what a hell hole the US has become.

Seriously. This thread is appalling. Op, I hope you’re able to take advice from the handful of people who offered it. The rest of the posters should be ashamed of themselves.

Agreed. I don't know what OP's kid has allegedly done and I don't really care. The piling on, rumor mongering, nastiness I see around kids -and their parents- is truly appalling. There is no need for any of it. If you want to "cancel" (warranted or not) do it. But the piling on and public shaming is in the VAST majority of situations, just as bad as the offense.

The schools, parents, . . . . we teach all this touchy feely, mental health protective, stuff and this is the country and community we get despite that? This country is absolutely becoming a 3d rate, sh-- hole version of its former self. We treat each other appallingly. There is no forgiveness. No grace. No kindness. And save for a few posters on here giving helpful advice, OP should ignore everyone else. And you folks should be ashamed of yourselves. If this is what you're passing on to your little darlings, then god help us all.

it's not despite it but because of it. instead of doing the hard work of being kind and tolerant people are embracing platitudes about kindness while indulging their worst instincts. it's precisely those cheap words that give them the license to be cruel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wow you people are nasty and your kids are no different. so glad we moved abroad. what a hell hole the US has become.

Seriously. This thread is appalling. Op, I hope you’re able to take advice from the handful of people who offered it. The rest of the posters should be ashamed of themselves.

Agreed. I don't know what OP's kid has allegedly done and I don't really care. The piling on, rumor mongering, nastiness I see around kids -and their parents- is truly appalling. There is no need for any of it. If you want to "cancel" (warranted or not) do it. But the piling on and public shaming is in the VAST majority of situations, just as bad as the offense.

The schools, parents, . . . . we teach all this touchy feely, mental health protective, stuff and this is the country and community we get despite that? This country is absolutely becoming a 3d rate, sh-- hole version of its former self. We treat each other appallingly. There is no forgiveness. No grace. No kindness. And save for a few posters on here giving helpful advice, OP should ignore everyone else. And you folks should be ashamed of yourselves. If this is what you're passing on to your little darlings, then god help us all.

it's not despite it but because of it. instead of doing the hard work of being kind and tolerant people are embracing platitudes about kindness while indulging their worst instincts. it's precisely those cheap words that give them the license to be cruel.

That's just a lame excuse. Have we come to the point in society that this is how people feel? Real parents use those "platitudes" and teach their children how to be decent human beings. Others, apparently, do as you suggest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wow you people are nasty and your kids are no different. so glad we moved abroad. what a hell hole the US has become.

Seriously. This thread is appalling. Op, I hope you’re able to take advice from the handful of people who offered it. The rest of the posters should be ashamed of themselves.

Agreed. I don't know what OP's kid has allegedly done and I don't really care. The piling on, rumor mongering, nastiness I see around kids -and their parents- is truly appalling. There is no need for any of it. If you want to "cancel" (warranted or not) do it. But the piling on and public shaming is in the VAST majority of situations, just as bad as the offense.

The schools, parents, . . . . we teach all this touchy feely, mental health protective, stuff and this is the country and community we get despite that? This country is absolutely becoming a 3d rate, sh-- hole version of its former self. We treat each other appallingly. There is no forgiveness. No grace. No kindness. And save for a few posters on here giving helpful advice, OP should ignore everyone else. And you folks should be ashamed of yourselves. If this is what you're passing on to your little darlings, then god help us all.

it's not despite it but because of it. instead of doing the hard work of being kind and tolerant people are embracing platitudes about kindness while indulging their worst instincts. it's precisely those cheap words that give them the license to be cruel.

That's just a lame excuse. Have we come to the point in society that this is how people feel? Real parents use those "platitudes" and teach their children how to be decent human beings. Others, apparently, do as you suggest.

we have evidently come to the point where, when adults hear that a mob is harassing a child, they automatically side with the mob. i teach my children to actually be kind and tolerant, not to cover their cruelty in righteousness. but for this reason, we moved away from the US. where we are now, children speak there minds freely, and while ugly words can often be heard, this is the only way to actually practice tolerance.

but don't worry about your precious platitudes. you can bathe yourself in your them and not worry about the faintest note of dissent, which is clearly so traumatizing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wow you people are nasty and your kids are no different. so glad we moved abroad. what a hell hole the US has become.

Seriously. This thread is appalling. Op, I hope you’re able to take advice from the handful of people who offered it. The rest of the posters should be ashamed of themselves.

Agreed. I don't know what OP's kid has allegedly done and I don't really care. The piling on, rumor mongering, nastiness I see around kids -and their parents- is truly appalling. There is no need for any of it. If you want to "cancel" (warranted or not) do it. But the piling on and public shaming is in the VAST majority of situations, just as bad as the offense.

The schools, parents, . . . . we teach all this touchy feely, mental health protective, stuff and this is the country and community we get despite that? This country is absolutely becoming a 3d rate, sh-- hole version of its former self. We treat each other appallingly. There is no forgiveness. No grace. No kindness. And save for a few posters on here giving helpful advice, OP should ignore everyone else. And you folks should be ashamed of yourselves. If this is what you're passing on to your little darlings, then god help us all.

it's not despite it but because of it. instead of doing the hard work of being kind and tolerant people are embracing platitudes about kindness while indulging their worst instincts. it's precisely those cheap words that give them the license to be cruel.

That's just a lame excuse. Have we come to the point in society that this is how people feel? Real parents use those "platitudes" and teach their children how to be decent human beings. Others, apparently, do as you suggest.

we have evidently come to the point where, when adults hear that a mob is harassing a child, they automatically side with the mob. i teach my children to actually be kind and tolerant, not to cover their cruelty in righteousness. but for this reason, we moved away from the US. where we are now, children speak there minds freely, and while ugly words can often be heard, this is the only way to actually practice tolerance.

but don't worry about your precious platitudes. you can bathe yourself in your them and not worry about the faintest note of dissent, which is clearly so traumatizing.

Capital letters. Use them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jeff says here that OP wrote the “Christian values” posts: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/weblog/2023/04/07/update040723

Can’t see any thread in the link.

But OP, I do agree with your child that “fighting back” isn’t the right approach. I don’t see how trying to gain revenge is positive. She needs to move on. Be a good person, find like minded people. Perhaps that means for the next while to seek out friendships outside of school through other activities. High school is a small part of life and if she is a good student, motivated academically, and finding social connections outside of school- I would advise to ignore the haters, shake it off, and carry on. However, if this is a religious/political cancellation- I would discuss with her moving schools to somewhere with more a like minded student body. Parochial school perhaps?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeff says here that OP wrote the “Christian values” posts: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/weblog/2023/04/07/update040723

Can’t see any thread in the link.

But OP, I do agree with your child that “fighting back” isn’t the right approach. I don’t see how trying to gain revenge is positive. She needs to move on. Be a good person, find like minded people. Perhaps that means for the next while to seek out friendships outside of school through other activities. High school is a small part of life and if she is a good student, motivated academically, and finding social connections outside of school- I would advise to ignore the haters, shake it off, and carry on. However, if this is a religious/political cancellation- I would discuss with her moving schools to somewhere with more a like minded student body. Parochial school perhaps?

Reading comprehension isn’t your strong suit: “While the original poster started the thread by asking for advice, in subsequent posts she mostly concentrated on attempting to inform others about the dangers of "cancel culture". In one post, she says her child's problems resulted from "having a Christian value set and experiencing blowback about that". This leads some posters to believe that the blowback may be warranted.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wow you people are nasty and your kids are no different. so glad we moved abroad. what a hell hole the US has become.

Seriously. This thread is appalling. Op, I hope you’re able to take advice from the handful of people who offered it. The rest of the posters should be ashamed of themselves.

Agreed. I don't know what OP's kid has allegedly done and I don't really care. The piling on, rumor mongering, nastiness I see around kids -and their parents- is truly appalling. There is no need for any of it. If you want to "cancel" (warranted or not) do it. But the piling on and public shaming is in the VAST majority of situations, just as bad as the offense.

The schools, parents, . . . . we teach all this touchy feely, mental health protective, stuff and this is the country and community we get despite that? This country is absolutely becoming a 3d rate, sh-- hole version of its former self. We treat each other appallingly. There is no forgiveness. No grace. No kindness. And save for a few posters on here giving helpful advice, OP should ignore everyone else. And you folks should be ashamed of yourselves. If this is what you're passing on to your little darlings, then god help us all.

it's not despite it but because of it. instead of doing the hard work of being kind and tolerant people are embracing platitudes about kindness while indulging their worst instincts. it's precisely those cheap words that give them the license to be cruel.

That's just a lame excuse. Have we come to the point in society that this is how people feel? Real parents use those "platitudes" and teach their children how to be decent human beings. Others, apparently, do as you suggest.

we have evidently come to the point where, when adults hear that a mob is harassing a child, they automatically side with the mob. i teach my children to actually be kind and tolerant, not to cover their cruelty in righteousness. but for this reason, we moved away from the US. where we are now, children speak there minds freely, and while ugly words can often be heard, this is the only way to actually practice tolerance.

but don't worry about your precious platitudes. you can bathe yourself in your them and not worry about the faintest note of dissent, which is clearly so traumatizing.

Capital letters. Use them.

or? you are gonna summon the mob and bully me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This culture is alive in schools, it's just hidden from everyone and wrapped in the social justice culture in our public schools. Although the intent seems correct, many people get caught up and hurt by it. For more information, please visit: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/31/style/cancel-culture.html. In my child's situation, it wasn't related to rape or anything as severe as nude, but more in the lines of having a Christian value set and experiencing blowback about that, resulting in rumors being started about them being racist and bigoted.

Well, there are a lot of "Christian value set" people who are, in fact, racist and bigoted. I don't support children being "canceled" because their parents (you) taught them to be bigots, but this should be a wakeup call for your child that the beliefs they learned at home are not socially acceptable.

There are a lot of leftist progressives who are, in fact, racist and bigoted as well.

Not really. Not being tolerant of religious or other views that exclude, discriminate, or are bigoted is not being bigoted. People like to pull that card all the time "If you're not tolerant of my bigoted religious views then you're a bigot." Um, no.

Yeah. I'm not gonna sit back and let an adult bigot have his time to share. I don't have to be tolerant of that nonsense. I do, however, think there is some benefit in giving kids a chance to learn a little about life before writing them off. Getting canceled isn't likely to steer this kid in a non-bigoted direction. It's more than likely going to cause her to dig in her heels and cling to her "Christian values set" - whatever that means. I hope the OP's kid finds some kids she likes and who like her, and I hope she is kind and treats others (ALL OTHERS) the way she wants to be treated. Which is the only "Christian value" that matters IMHO.