How to help teen who lost all their elem-mid school friends because of rumors and bullying, canceled

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wow you people are nasty and your kids are no different. so glad we moved abroad. what a hell hole the US has become.

Seriously. This thread is appalling. Op, I hope you’re able to take advice from the handful of people who offered it. The rest of the posters should be ashamed of themselves.

+1

This thread is horrifying. I have new insight into where bullies come from, I guess.

+2

Horrid.

Why do you think you can force people to like you, be friends with you or be in group chats with you?

Thankfully we have anti-bullying laws to protect against violent horror shows like you.

Well said.

It wasn’t “well said.” It was irrelevant and idiotic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I'm reaching out for advice on behalf of my teen who recently lost all their friends from elementary to middle school due to rumors and other things that resulted in them being canceled. It's been a tough time for them, and it seems like they want to start over, but the kids in their school are vicious on social media, and it seems like the rumors just won't go away.

I'm at a loss on what to do. Moving to a new school or even a new area seems like the only option, but I'm not sure if that's the right decision. I don't remember the suburb areas being this vicious when I was growing up but social medial wasn't around so things died out over time and I'm wondering if it's because of all the cancel culture stuff going on.

Has anyone else experienced this with their children or themselves? How did you handle it, and what advice would you give? Should we consider moving, or is there another solution we haven't considered yet?

I would appreciate any insight or advice you can offer. Thank you in advance for your help.

OP here, was in meetings

Part of the issue is that my child doesn't have a "winners and losers" attitude and refuses to push back against the aggressors. Even though my child has leverage to exclude the bullies and rumor makers and get back at them, they refuse to do so because they don't want to hurt them and believe that they will come around. It has been a tough time for my child, and it seems that this area breeds a very aggressive Type A personality. Although my child is also Type A with intelligence, able to lay out debates, etc., which is probably why they got into this in the first place, it seems that the only way to get them back is to help them cope with this situation.

The irony is that my child is already ahead of the others in terms of intelligence and accomplishments, and this will all be a moot point in college, but that's four years away. In the meantime, my child doesn't even want to go to the neighborhood pool or nearby restaurants for fear of running into the bullies.

ROFL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jeff says here that OP wrote the “Christian values” posts: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/weblog/2023/04/07/update040723

How SHOCKING.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This culture is alive in schools, it's just hidden from everyone and wrapped in the social justice culture in our public schools. Although the intent seems correct, many people get caught up and hurt by it. For more information, please visit: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/31/style/cancel-culture.html. In my child's situation, it wasn't related to rape or anything as severe as nude, but more in the lines of having a Christian value set and experiencing blowback about that, resulting in rumors being started about them being racist and bigoted.

Oh, PLEASE. No one is buying this idiotic “oppressed Christian” BS a handful of you endlessly peddle on every thread.

It’s so typical for those types to accuse everyone else of bullying when most of the bullying and cruelty is perpetrated by the so called Christian values group. Bunch of them got together in our school and bullied entire families out of the school in the spirit self righteous entitlement that seems to accompany those “values.” Either op has made the whole thing up or just made up the Christian part in the hopes of garnering sympathy. If the girl is being bullied then I really feel for her and hope op can do better for her daughter than just trying to portray her as some kind of family values martyr in an area where most of the kids are Christian and the very idea of a group of vicious mean girls fighting for social justice by excluding Christians is an absurdity.

[Anonymous]

I'd solicit Christian high schools and explain your child is being bullied for being Christian if that's what this is about. I'd get out. A lot of people hate Christians, just look at DCUM. Christians are better off with other Christians.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love how everyone just piles on with assumptions that op’s teen dd deserved to be canceled, as if that’s a totally fine and normal thing to be happening. You people are no better than the scolds who slut-shamed girls in the past or blacklisted people from jobs because they were communists. “This is different” you say. No it’s not.

Op, I’m sorry your child is dealing with this and I would consider a fresh start at a new school for her next year. If your local public school can’t accommodate a transfer, consider private. The diocesan catholic ones are less expensive than independents, if that is something you are open to considering.

100 percent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wow you people are nasty and your kids are no different. so glad we moved abroad. what a hell hole the US has become.

Seriously. This thread is appalling. Op, I hope you’re able to take advice from the handful of people who offered it. The rest of the posters should be ashamed of themselves.

Agreed. I don't know what OP's kid has allegedly done and I don't really care. The piling on, rumor mongering, nastiness I see around kids -and their parents- is truly appalling. There is no need for any of it. If you want to "cancel" (warranted or not) do it. But the piling on and public shaming is in the VAST majority of situations, just as bad as the offense.

The schools, parents, . . . . we teach all this touchy feely, mental health protective, stuff and this is the country and community we get despite that? This country is absolutely becoming a 3d rate, sh-- hole version of its former self. We treat each other appallingly. There is no forgiveness. No grace. No kindness. And save for a few posters on here giving helpful advice, OP should ignore everyone else. And you folks should be ashamed of yourselves. If this is what you're passing on to your little darlings, then god help us all.

it's not despite it but because of it. instead of doing the hard work of being kind and tolerant people are embracing platitudes about kindness while indulging their worst instincts. it's precisely those cheap words that give them the license to be cruel.

That's just a lame excuse. Have we come to the point in society that this is how people feel? Real parents use those "platitudes" and teach their children how to be decent human beings. Others, apparently, do as you suggest.

we have evidently come to the point where, when adults hear that a mob is harassing a child, they automatically side with the mob. i teach my children to actually be kind and tolerant, not to cover their cruelty in righteousness. but for this reason, we moved away from the US. where we are now, children speak there minds freely, and while ugly words can often be heard, this is the only way to actually practice tolerance.

but don't worry about your precious platitudes. you can bathe yourself in your them and not worry about the faintest note of dissent, which is clearly so traumatizing.

This has to be THE most dramatic post ever to be written on DCUM.

PP, you've stated multiple times in this thread alone how thrilled you are to have moved away from the US and how thankful you are to be away from here.
So I'll ask you again... WHY do you still post here?

It seems you're incapable of writing a post without denigrating & disparaging the US in it... so why not move on to a message board where you live?
Why stay at a board from a country you're so critical of??
I imagine there are thousands of other message boards just like this one outside of the US - why not post there?

Are you gonna run to Jeff again to have my post removed, or are you actually going to answer the question this time like an adult?

is your jingoism so fragile you can't handle a couple of anonymous posts? why do you need to shut everybody up? i've been reading and posting on DCUM for more than 10 years. i don't do that much any more, but i still visit on occasion. i will continue to do so and you won't even know it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I love how everyone just piles on with assumptions that op’s teen dd deserved to be canceled, as if that’s a totally fine and normal thing to be happening. You people are no better than the scolds who slut-shamed girls in the past or blacklisted people from jobs because they were communists. “This is different” you say. No it’s not.

Op, I’m sorry your child is dealing with this and I would consider a fresh start at a new school for her next year. If your local public school can’t accommodate a transfer, consider private. The diocesan catholic ones are less expensive than independents, if that is something you are open to considering.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I love how everyone just piles on with assumptions that op’s teen dd deserved to be canceled, as if that’s a totally fine and normal thing to be happening. You people are no better than the scolds who slut-shamed girls in the past or blacklisted people from jobs because they were communists. “This is different” you say. No it’s not.

Op, I’m sorry your child is dealing with this and I would consider a fresh start at a new school for her next year. If your local public school can’t accommodate a transfer, consider private. The diocesan catholic ones are less expensive than independents, if that is something you are open to considering.

Yeah no slut-shaming going on at Diocesan Catholic schools. None at all.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm reaching out for advice on behalf of my teen who recently lost all their friends from elementary to middle school due to rumors and other things that resulted in them being canceled. It's been a tough time for them, and it seems like they want to start over, but the kids in their school are vicious on social media, and it seems like the rumors just won't go away.

I'm at a loss on what to do. Moving to a new school or even a new area seems like the only option, but I'm not sure if that's the right decision. I don't remember the suburb areas being this vicious when I was growing up but social medial wasn't around so things died out over time and I'm wondering if it's because of all the cancel culture stuff going on.

Has anyone else experienced this with their children or themselves? How did you handle it, and what advice would you give? Should we consider moving, or is there another solution we haven't considered yet?

I would appreciate any insight or advice you can offer. Thank you in advance for your help.

This happened to my child. I made DC apply to private for HS, but DC didn't get in. DC started seeing a therapist and eventually a psychiatrist. DC's mental health is good now, but DC still doesn't have any friends. IME, the parents were far worse than the children when it came to spreading rumors. And for the PP who said get rid of the apps, my DC didn't even have a phone when all of this went down. I agree that social media is extremely toxic, but you can't control what other people do.

[Anonymous]

All OP said was that her child has been subject to in person and online bullying and it was impacting their mental health, and somehow the thread became convinced that OP’s child was a bigot or a Christian fundamentalist who had harassed other kids. Why? I truly do not understand.

I am super far left and some of these comments scare me. Especially the assumption that if someone has been bullied or harassed, there MUST be a valid reason why. Here’s a short list of reasons kids in my high school got this treatment: they smelled bad (housing insecure or very poor, or lived/worked on a farm and smelled like it), unattractive or very unfashionably dressed, highly sensitive (prone to crying or emotional outbursts), being Muslim in an overwhelmingly Christian town, simply being weird or awkward. It’s insane to me, after seeing this in my own teenage experience, that you would assume the bullied/harassed kid DESERVED what happened to them. Teenagers Target and can be especially vicious to the kids who (1) seem the most different, and (2) seem the most vulnerable. That second part is especially frustrating— bullies target victims who are unlikely to fight back, get support from others, be believed, etc. this is how bullying works.

And yet you’ve all collectively decided that if OP’s child is going through this teenage hell, it MUST be their fault. This is a child we’re talking about. 13/14 years old. What the actual hell?

I am pro-choice, pro-LGBTQ+, anti-racist, and an advocate for sexual assault survivors and there is no justification for “cancelling” a 13 year old unless they committed a crime, and even then I’d urge rehabilitation efforts. If this child was expressing wrong-headed views, that’s a reason for conversations, not total ostracism.

Seriously: what is wrong with y’all?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All OP said was that her child has been subject to in person and online bullying and it was impacting their mental health, and somehow the thread became convinced that OP’s child was a bigot or a Christian fundamentalist who had harassed other kids. Why? I truly do not understand.

I am super far left and some of these comments scare me. Especially the assumption that if someone has been bullied or harassed, there MUST be a valid reason why. Here’s a short list of reasons kids in my high school got this treatment: they smelled bad (housing insecure or very poor, or lived/worked on a farm and smelled like it), unattractive or very unfashionably dressed, highly sensitive (prone to crying or emotional outbursts), being Muslim in an overwhelmingly Christian town, simply being weird or awkward. It’s insane to me, after seeing this in my own teenage experience, that you would assume the bullied/harassed kid DESERVED what happened to them. Teenagers Target and can be especially vicious to the kids who (1) seem the most different, and (2) seem the most vulnerable. That second part is especially frustrating— bullies target victims who are unlikely to fight back, get support from others, be believed, etc. this is how bullying works.

And yet you’ve all collectively decided that if OP’s child is going through this teenage hell, it MUST be their fault. This is a child we’re talking about. 13/14 years old. What the actual hell?

I am pro-choice, pro-LGBTQ+, anti-racist, and an advocate for sexual assault survivors and there is no justification for “cancelling” a 13 year old unless they committed a crime, and even then I’d urge rehabilitation efforts. If this child was expressing wrong-headed views, that’s a reason for conversations, not total ostracism.

Seriously: what is wrong with y’all?

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All OP said was that her child has been subject to in person and online bullying and it was impacting their mental health, and somehow the thread became convinced that OP’s child was a bigot or a Christian fundamentalist who had harassed other kids. Why? I truly do not understand.

I am super far left and some of these comments scare me. Especially the assumption that if someone has been bullied or harassed, there MUST be a valid reason why. Here’s a short list of reasons kids in my high school got this treatment: they smelled bad (housing insecure or very poor, or lived/worked on a farm and smelled like it), unattractive or very unfashionably dressed, highly sensitive (prone to crying or emotional outbursts), being Muslim in an overwhelmingly Christian town, simply being weird or awkward. It’s insane to me, after seeing this in my own teenage experience, that you would assume the bullied/harassed kid DESERVED what happened to them. Teenagers Target and can be especially vicious to the kids who (1) seem the most different, and (2) seem the most vulnerable. That second part is especially frustrating— bullies target victims who are unlikely to fight back, get support from others, be believed, etc. this is how bullying works.

And yet you’ve all collectively decided that if OP’s child is going through this teenage hell, it MUST be their fault. This is a child we’re talking about. 13/14 years old. What the actual hell?

I am pro-choice, pro-LGBTQ+, anti-racist, and an advocate for sexual assault survivors and there is no justification for “cancelling” a 13 year old unless they committed a crime, and even then I’d urge rehabilitation efforts. If this child was expressing wrong-headed views, that’s a reason for conversations, not total ostracism.

Seriously: what is wrong with y’all?

+1

+2

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All OP said was that her child has been subject to in person and online bullying and it was impacting their mental health, and somehow the thread became convinced that OP’s child was a bigot or a Christian fundamentalist who had harassed other kids. Why? I truly do not understand.

I am super far left and some of these comments scare me. Especially the assumption that if someone has been bullied or harassed, there MUST be a valid reason why. Here’s a short list of reasons kids in my high school got this treatment: they smelled bad (housing insecure or very poor, or lived/worked on a farm and smelled like it), unattractive or very unfashionably dressed, highly sensitive (prone to crying or emotional outbursts), being Muslim in an overwhelmingly Christian town, simply being weird or awkward. It’s insane to me, after seeing this in my own teenage experience, that you would assume the bullied/harassed kid DESERVED what happened to them. Teenagers Target and can be especially vicious to the kids who (1) seem the most different, and (2) seem the most vulnerable. That second part is especially frustrating— bullies target victims who are unlikely to fight back, get support from others, be believed, etc. this is how bullying works.

And yet you’ve all collectively decided that if OP’s child is going through this teenage hell, it MUST be their fault. This is a child we’re talking about. 13/14 years old. What the actual hell?

I am pro-choice, pro-LGBTQ+, anti-racist, and an advocate for sexual assault survivors and there is no justification for “cancelling” a 13 year old unless they committed a crime, and even then I’d urge rehabilitation efforts. If this child was expressing wrong-headed views, that’s a reason for conversations, not total ostracism.

Seriously: what is wrong with y’all?

YES

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:All OP said was that her child has been subject to in person and online bullying and it was impacting their mental health, and somehow the thread became convinced that OP’s child was a bigot or a Christian fundamentalist who had harassed other kids. Why? I truly do not understand.

I am super far left and some of these comments scare me. Especially the assumption that if someone has been bullied or harassed, there MUST be a valid reason why. Here’s a short list of reasons kids in my high school got this treatment: they smelled bad (housing insecure or very poor, or lived/worked on a farm and smelled like it), unattractive or very unfashionably dressed, highly sensitive (prone to crying or emotional outbursts), being Muslim in an overwhelmingly Christian town, simply being weird or awkward. It’s insane to me, after seeing this in my own teenage experience, that you would assume the bullied/harassed kid DESERVED what happened to them. Teenagers Target and can be especially vicious to the kids who (1) seem the most different, and (2) seem the most vulnerable. That second part is especially frustrating— bullies target victims who are unlikely to fight back, get support from others, be believed, etc. this is how bullying works.

And yet you’ve all collectively decided that if OP’s child is going through this teenage hell, it MUST be their fault. This is a child we’re talking about. 13/14 years old. What the actual hell?

I am pro-choice, pro-LGBTQ+, anti-racist, and an advocate for sexual assault survivors and there is no justification for “cancelling” a 13 year old unless they committed a crime, and even then I’d urge rehabilitation efforts. If this child was expressing wrong-headed views, that’s a reason for conversations, not total ostracism.

Seriously: what is wrong with y’all?

I am honestly so relieved to read this because it restores my faith in humanity after reading all those other posts.