How to help teen who lost all their elem-mid school friends because of rumors and bullying, canceled

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Jeff says here that OP wrote the “Christian values” posts: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/weblog/2023/04/07/update040723

I think Jeff, like some of the posters on the thread, is confused. Because the Christian values poster explicitly did not identify themselves as OP — they presented themself as another poster. So if it was OP, that would be sock puppeting, which would get the thread shut down and/or lead to Jeff banning the OP, at least temporarily. He did neither (thread is still open and OP returned later to offer more context, still never mentioning Christian values), so I think he read the comments asserting OP was claiming her child was canceled for Christian values and believes them.

All of which is an amazing object lesson in how a misunderstanding or even intentional misreading of a person’s actions or beliefs can be twisted and then repeated enough times that even supposedly unbiased authority figures will believe the misunderstanding/lie and perpetuate it, giving it further strength.

Somehow, based on behavior in this thread, I think this object lesson will be missed by many.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh Good Lord. It's so easy to get canceled. My daughter was called a fascist because she said she wants to be a prosecutor. She isn't on social media so she wasn't publicly called out, but she was dropped from the group chat. For saying she wanting to be a prosecutor.

So don't assume OP's kid did something heinous. It could have been something as subtle as expressing the wrong political opinion or accidentally misgendering someone.

There is a difference between getting dropped from a group chat and getting dropped by every one of your friends

So your position is that if op’s child is being ostracized by her friend group, she must have done something to deserve it?

My position is that the OP says her child was "canceled" for "Christian values set" commentary, so yes. My assumption is that the OP's child said something perceived by their non-bigot friends as bigoted and offensive and those friends have dropped the child as a result.

If it was some innocuous thing or overblown social justice thing like "called a fascist bc wanted to be a prosecutor" I strongly suspect that the OP would have outlined that, rather than vaguely talking about values and cancel culture articles from 2019.

I also do not believe that this would be a family that would "accidentally" misgender someone. But I guess that makes ME intolerant for assuming that OP is bigoted in that specific way!

That was a DP who said they have Christian values as a family, not OP. You are conflating.

[Anonymous]

Just read Jeff's post, is OP trolling?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh Good Lord. It's so easy to get canceled. My daughter was called a fascist because she said she wants to be a prosecutor. She isn't on social media so she wasn't publicly called out, but she was dropped from the group chat. For saying she wanting to be a prosecutor.

So don't assume OP's kid did something heinous. It could have been something as subtle as expressing the wrong political opinion or accidentally misgendering someone.

There is a difference between getting dropped from a group chat and getting dropped by every one of your friends

So your position is that if op’s child is being ostracized by her friend group, she must have done something to deserve it?

My position is that the OP says her child was "canceled" for "Christian values set" commentary, so yes. My assumption is that the OP's child said something perceived by their non-bigot friends as bigoted and offensive and those friends have dropped the child as a result.

If it was some innocuous thing or overblown social justice thing like "called a fascist bc wanted to be a prosecutor" I strongly suspect that the OP would have outlined that, rather than vaguely talking about values and cancel culture articles from 2019.

I also do not believe that this would be a family that would "accidentally" misgender someone. But I guess that makes ME intolerant for assuming that OP is bigoted in that specific way!

That was a DP who said they have Christian values as a family, not OP. You are conflating.

Jeff confirmed it was the same poster in his daily write up. They did not self-identify.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh Good Lord. It's so easy to get canceled. My daughter was called a fascist because she said she wants to be a prosecutor. She isn't on social media so she wasn't publicly called out, but she was dropped from the group chat. For saying she wanting to be a prosecutor.

So don't assume OP's kid did something heinous. It could have been something as subtle as expressing the wrong political opinion or accidentally misgendering someone.

There is a difference between getting dropped from a group chat and getting dropped by every one of your friends

So your position is that if op’s child is being ostracized by her friend group, she must have done something to deserve it?

My position is that the OP says her child was "canceled" for "Christian values set" commentary, so yes. My assumption is that the OP's child said something perceived by their non-bigot friends as bigoted and offensive and those friends have dropped the child as a result.

If it was some innocuous thing or overblown social justice thing like "called a fascist bc wanted to be a prosecutor" I strongly suspect that the OP would have outlined that, rather than vaguely talking about values and cancel culture articles from 2019.

I also do not believe that this would be a family that would "accidentally" misgender someone. But I guess that makes ME intolerant for assuming that OP is bigoted in that specific way!

That was a DP who said they have Christian values as a family, not OP. You are conflating.

Jeff confirmed it was the same poster in his daily write up. They did not self-identify.

No he didn’t. Look at 14:07 and read his post— he is assuming they are the same but I think it’s because he skimmed the thread and saw people saying that the OP was the Cristian values poster. I think if he’d actually looked to verify that they are the same, he would have to ban OP for sock puppeting.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh Good Lord. It's so easy to get canceled. My daughter was called a fascist because she said she wants to be a prosecutor. She isn't on social media so she wasn't publicly called out, but she was dropped from the group chat. For saying she wanting to be a prosecutor.

So don't assume OP's kid did something heinous. It could have been something as subtle as expressing the wrong political opinion or accidentally misgendering someone.

There is a difference between getting dropped from a group chat and getting dropped by every one of your friends

So your position is that if op’s child is being ostracized by her friend group, she must have done something to deserve it?

My position is that the OP says her child was "canceled" for "Christian values set" commentary, so yes. My assumption is that the OP's child said something perceived by their non-bigot friends as bigoted and offensive and those friends have dropped the child as a result.

If it was some innocuous thing or overblown social justice thing like "called a fascist bc wanted to be a prosecutor" I strongly suspect that the OP would have outlined that, rather than vaguely talking about values and cancel culture articles from 2019.

I also do not believe that this would be a family that would "accidentally" misgender someone. But I guess that makes ME intolerant for assuming that OP is bigoted in that specific way!

That was a DP who said they have Christian values as a family, not OP. You are conflating.

Jeff confirmed it was the same poster in his daily write up. They did not self-identify.

No he didn’t. Look at 14:07 and read his post— he is assuming they are the same but I think it’s because he skimmed the thread and saw people saying that the OP was the Cristian values poster. I think if he’d actually looked to verify that they are the same, he would have to ban OP for sock puppeting.

It’s kind of irrelevant because there is no way anyone in the dmv would be “canceled” for Christian values. If anything it’s the opposite. One is much more likely to be bullied for not being Christian or not agreeing with them. So I call bs on OP’s claim. If someone is abandoned by friends then it’s either typical mean girl behavior and unrelated to ideology, or they were so completely inappropriate about pushing some strange or radical beliefs or judging or badmouthing others that they effectively canceled themselves.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Oh Good Lord. It's so easy to get canceled. My daughter was called a fascist because she said she wants to be a prosecutor. She isn't on social media so she wasn't publicly called out, but she was dropped from the group chat. For saying she wanting to be a prosecutor.

So don't assume OP's kid did something heinous. It could have been something as subtle as expressing the wrong political opinion or accidentally misgendering someone.

There is a difference between getting dropped from a group chat and getting dropped by every one of your friends

So your position is that if op’s child is being ostracized by her friend group, she must have done something to deserve it?

My position is that the OP says her child was "canceled" for "Christian values set" commentary, so yes. My assumption is that the OP's child said something perceived by their non-bigot friends as bigoted and offensive and those friends have dropped the child as a result.

If it was some innocuous thing or overblown social justice thing like "called a fascist bc wanted to be a prosecutor" I strongly suspect that the OP would have outlined that, rather than vaguely talking about values and cancel culture articles from 2019.

I also do not believe that this would be a family that would "accidentally" misgender someone. But I guess that makes ME intolerant for assuming that OP is bigoted in that specific way!

That was a DP who said they have Christian values as a family, not OP. You are conflating.

Jeff confirmed it was the same poster in his daily write up. They did not self-identify.

No he didn’t. Look at 14:07 and read his post— he is assuming they are the same but I think it’s because he skimmed the thread and saw people saying that the OP was the Cristian values poster. I think if he’d actually looked to verify that they are the same, he would have to ban OP for sock puppeting.

Jeff has access to IP addresses, so he’s usually pretty accurate. I don’t think that post would qualify as sock puppeting anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, wish I had good advice but I don’t. Just tons of sympathy. It happened to my kid in 7th grade when the most popular girl in school (who went on to become a model, which tells you something), cancelled her and got all of her friends to shut her out.
We didn’t know the extent of it until a year later but so much was on Snapchat and had since been erased. We went to the school and they said they could open an investigation but most of the kids had probably moved on and it would just bring the issue back to the surface. We decided it was not worth doing. And, I should add, what the bully did was actually criminal. But again, a police investigation would have just reopened the wound and there was no longer proof.
We ended up moving her to private school for HS. I still see the bully at HS events b/c my younger child now goes to the same HS as her and I want to kill the girl or at least hand her a bill for $130,000.
On the bright side, my DD is now a senior is HS and completely recovered. She rolls her eyes when I say I want to harm the girl and tells me to get over it.
Hang in there. It’s so so tough.

Yikes.
There's venting and then there's the extreme.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Jeff says here that OP wrote the “Christian values” posts: https://www.dcurbanmom.com/weblog/2023/04/07/update040723

I think Jeff, like some of the posters on the thread, is confused. Because the Christian values poster explicitly did not identify themselves as OP — they presented themself as another poster. So if it was OP, that would be sock puppeting, which would get the thread shut down and/or lead to Jeff banning the OP, at least temporarily. He did neither (thread is still open and OP returned later to offer more context, still never mentioning Christian values), so I think he read the comments asserting OP was claiming her child was canceled for Christian values and believes them.

All of which is an amazing object lesson in how a misunderstanding or even intentional misreading of a person’s actions or beliefs can be twisted and then repeated enough times that even supposedly unbiased authority figures will believe the misunderstanding/lie and perpetuate it, giving it further strength.

Somehow, based on behavior in this thread, I think this object lesson will be missed by many.

Are you saying there is something wrong with cancelling Christian kids ?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:wow you people are nasty and your kids are no different. so glad we moved abroad. what a hell hole the US has become.

Seriously. This thread is appalling. Op, I hope you’re able to take advice from the handful of people who offered it. The rest of the posters should be ashamed of themselves.

Agreed. I don't know what OP's kid has allegedly done and I don't really care. The piling on, rumor mongering, nastiness I see around kids -and their parents- is truly appalling. There is no need for any of it. If you want to "cancel" (warranted or not) do it. But the piling on and public shaming is in the VAST majority of situations, just as bad as the offense.

The schools, parents, . . . . we teach all this touchy feely, mental health protective, stuff and this is the country and community we get despite that? This country is absolutely becoming a 3d rate, sh-- hole version of its former self. We treat each other appallingly. There is no forgiveness. No grace. No kindness. And save for a few posters on here giving helpful advice, OP should ignore everyone else. And you folks should be ashamed of yourselves. If this is what you're passing on to your little darlings, then god help us all.

it's not despite it but because of it. instead of doing the hard work of being kind and tolerant people are embracing platitudes about kindness while indulging their worst instincts. it's precisely those cheap words that give them the license to be cruel.

That's just a lame excuse. Have we come to the point in society that this is how people feel? Real parents use those "platitudes" and teach their children how to be decent human beings. Others, apparently, do as you suggest.

we have evidently come to the point where, when adults hear that a mob is harassing a child, they automatically side with the mob. i teach my children to actually be kind and tolerant, not to cover their cruelty in righteousness. but for this reason, we moved away from the US. where we are now, children speak there minds freely, and while ugly words can often be heard, this is the only way to actually practice tolerance.

but don't worry about your precious platitudes. you can bathe yourself in your them and not worry about the faintest note of dissent, which is clearly so traumatizing.

This has to be THE most dramatic post ever to be written on DCUM.

PP, you've stated multiple times in this thread alone how thrilled you are to have moved away from the US and how thankful you are to be away from here.
So I'll ask you again... WHY do you still post here?

It seems you're incapable of writing a post without denigrating & disparaging the US in it... so why not move on to a message board where you live?
Why stay at a board from a country you're so critical of??
I imagine there are thousands of other message boards just like this one outside of the US - why not post there?

Are you gonna run to Jeff again to have my post removed, or are you actually going to answer the question this time like an adult?

[Anonymous]

I find it so frustrating that kids who say or do something offensive get their lives turned upside down on social media and are made into pariahs, instead of being given an opportunity to rectify their mistakes and learn where they went wrong so they can become better people.

Meanwhile, kids who murder people (two girls who stole the food delivery man’s car and killed him), nearly kill them (six year old who shot his teacher), bullies who push kids to commit suicide (the bullies filmed beating the girl in NJ up who killed herself) have their identifies protected and have an opportunity to come out with a clean slate.

The mob mentality is truly terrifying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm reaching out for advice on behalf of my teen who recently lost all their friends from elementary to middle school due to rumors and other things that resulted in them being canceled. It's been a tough time for them, and it seems like they want to start over, but the kids in their school are vicious on social media, and it seems like the rumors just won't go away.

I'm at a loss on what to do. Moving to a new school or even a new area seems like the only option, but I'm not sure if that's the right decision. I don't remember the suburb areas being this vicious when I was growing up but social medial wasn't around so things died out over time and I'm wondering if it's because of all the cancel culture stuff going on.

Has anyone else experienced this with their children or themselves? How did you handle it, and what advice would you give? Should we consider moving, or is there another solution we haven't considered yet?

I would appreciate any insight or advice you can offer. Thank you in advance for your help.

The pronouns are a problem?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This culture is alive in schools, it's just hidden from everyone and wrapped in the social justice culture in our public schools. Although the intent seems correct, many people get caught up and hurt by it. For more information, please visit: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/31/style/cancel-culture.html. In my child's situation, it wasn't related to rape or anything as severe as nude, but more in the lines of having a Christian value set and experiencing blowback about that, resulting in rumors being started about them being racist and bigoted.

Oh, PLEASE. No one is buying this idiotic “oppressed Christian” BS a handful of you endlessly peddle on every thread.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This culture is alive in schools, it's just hidden from everyone and wrapped in the social justice culture in our public schools. Although the intent seems correct, many people get caught up and hurt by it. For more information, please visit: https://www.nytimes.com/2019/10/31/style/cancel-culture.html. In my child's situation, it wasn't related to rape or anything as severe as nude, but more in the lines of having a Christian value set and experiencing blowback about that, resulting in rumors being started about them being racist and bigoted.

Well, there are a lot of "Christian value set" people who are, in fact, racist and bigoted. I don't support children being "canceled" because their parents (you) taught them to be bigots, but this should be a wakeup call for your child that the beliefs they learned at home are not socially acceptable.

Perhaps teach your kid that in America we have freedom of speech, and faith. Trying to make everyone believe just like you is bigoted.

Nobody’s stopping you from believing what you want. When you open your yap and spew homophobia, for instance, then scream “HELP! I’M BEING PERSECUTED FOR BEING CHRISTIAN!!!” no amount of “free speech” protects you from the richly deserved consequences you receive from others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:wow you people are nasty and your kids are no different. so glad we moved abroad. what a hell hole the US has become.

Seriously. This thread is appalling. Op, I hope you’re able to take advice from the handful of people who offered it. The rest of the posters should be ashamed of themselves.

+1

This thread is horrifying. I have new insight into where bullies come from, I guess.

+2

Horrid.

Why do you think you can force people to like you, be friends with you or be in group chats with you?

Thankfully we have anti-bullying laws to protect against violent horror shows like you.

“Anti-bullying laws” have nothing to do with forcing people to like you, be friends with you or be in group chats with you,” so your attempt at a snappy little comeback fell on its face. So sad for you.