Nanny share situation has ruined one of my few friendships

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You revealed a lot about yourself by how you dealt with the nanny. If I were your nanny-share friend, I would move on not only because of what you did but more so because how it reflects on your character more broadly.

Oof. Sharp and too the point but I agree, I’d be upset at the treatment too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree you were wrong, but a friend who can’t forgive the misstep is a friend who would desert you at some point anyway. I think you’re better off without the friend. The fact the nanny isn’t willing to work with the friend to find a replacement for you means the nanny wants to move on, not just from you, but from your friend as well, and that’s not your fault. I don’t believe the nanny cares whether it would be awkward between you two (why would she care about that?) she is just using it as an excuse to move on. Sorry, OP, but I think if it hadn’t been this, it would have been something else with these two.

Op showed us her personality. She is a hot reactor and felt justified in making a a very poor decision unilaterally that affected another family. I would never be in a nanny share or reliant upon with someone like that. I'd also bet she's overbearing in other ways.

Op you are wholly at fault. It says a lot about you that you don't admit that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree you were wrong, but a friend who can’t forgive the misstep is a friend who would desert you at some point anyway. I think you’re better off without the friend. The fact the nanny isn’t willing to work with the friend to find a replacement for you means the nanny wants to move on, not just from you, but from your friend as well, and that’s not your fault. I don’t believe the nanny cares whether it would be awkward between you two (why would she care about that?) she is just using it as an excuse to move on. Sorry, OP, but I think if it hadn’t been this, it would have been something else with these two.

I don’t know. It’s a pretty big deal to ruin your friend’s childcare arrangements.

I think it’s the nanny that’s ruining the childcare relationship with the friend. The nanny could just “fire” OP. The fact that she won’t means she isn’t interested in working with the friend, and that’s not OP’s fault. I think nanny would have left sooner rather than later anyway, not only because of OP.

The nanny will not be making the same salary. Do you not get that? You expect people who work these jobs to be slaves?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ me back to say that you're causing people to spend $150 to go to a doctor when it isn't always necessary. Also, huge time inconvenience.

Confirming strep required a doctors appointment.

get out of here. This is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What kind of company do you run? I’ve never ever had to provide a doctors note to any employee. Even when working in customer service.

Days off are days off. It doesn’t matter why, as long as it’s not excessive it’s truly not your business.

I work for a F500, any sick day absence beyond 3 days requires a note. I’ve never taken 3 days off in a row, so never had to get one, but it’s not some totally alien ask.

I've worked 40 years for the govt, in defense, the private sector, and in health care. I have never once been asked for a doctor's note. I've had several surgeries and other illnesses. I'd bet most of us have never been asked for one.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a DC native but moved across the country in 2017 to own a business with DH. We both had a really hard making friends due to some cultural differences in this part of the country. I befriended at my gym in late 2019 right before the pandemic. We created our own little pod with her and her husband and became very close. We also both got pregnant with our first within weeks of one another and both gave birth in summer 2021 within days of one another. We both stayed home for the first year and spent tons of time together and when we decided to go back to work realized that childcare was going to be a major issue. There’s a shortage of childcare options here. We couldn’t find a single decent daycare with an opening and my schedule didn’t really work well with a daycare center. I had a few babysitters and they just never worked out. Mostly college age kids who couldn’t commit. We decided to try a nanny share and posted an ad on our local Facebook childcare page and we ended up getting a response, did interviews and it was a great fit. Experienced and educated nanny, very flexible with our schedule and does a great job with two 1-year-olds. She’s been with us for about 9 months and it’s gone really well.

Here’s the issue; nanny got sick with strep last a few weeks ago and ended up missing three days. We’ve (my husband and I) have been running a business for over 5 years. It’s standard that we request doctors notes when we have numerous call ins for illness. I have gotten much pushback, I implemented it originally because we had employees who would lie about illnesses to miss significant amounts of work. That’s what was in my mind when I emailed our nanny and asked for her to bring in her doctors note when she returned. I now know this is not usually how it works with nannies, so I don’t need the lecture. However, this seemed to greatly offend her and she came in on a Monday with a doctors note and a letter of resignation. She said if we can’t trust her to be honest about her illnesses and reason for calling in then she doesn’t think we can trust her with our child so she decided it’s time to move on. She’s gave us four weeks notice.

But, she also told our share family that they also had a four weeks notice. She apparently told my friend/share family that she thinks it wouldn’t work for her to just continue working for our friends and that she needs the hourly share wage and that the hourly wage they can offer her on their own isn’t enough and she didn’t seem interested in them trying to find a different share situation with another family. She claimed she thought this was best because she “didn’t want to make things awkward” between my friend and I but only working for one family. However, now we have one week left with nanny (yes it’s been very awkward) and neither of us have found childcare alternatives. We’re having my in-laws come in for a week or so to give us more time. Our friends do not have family that can assist and that’s created a lot of tension. I offered to have my in-laws help with their LO and they declined. They don’t seem interested in trying a share again and are more serious about looking into a daycare while we still prefer another babysitter. My friend has also been super distant and I know she’s angry with me and I understand the frustration but I don’t think we’re wholly at fault.

Going back I wouldn’t have requested the doctors note but I don’t think it’s a crazy thing to request for any employee. I feel like if the nanny was willing to quit over something so small we have been unknowingly walking on eggshells with her the entire time and didn’t know it. We know she can find a job much easier than we can find a nanny because there are so many families desperate for care. She definitely has always had the upper hand.

But now I just deeply regret the nanny share idea as a whole. 9 months of childcare is not worth 3.5 years or friendship. I’m just so sad.

This is exactly why your calculus was wrong. You (and your friend) needed her a lot more than she needed your employment. The odds of your nanny (who had been a stellar employee for 9 months) turning out to be a sickness-policy-abuser were slim, and so the chances that your action were actually heading off this unlikely threat were low, but the chances that your action would offend her and make her feel untrusted were high. Even if trust doesn't come naturally to you, this should have been obvious to you. And if you were just risking your own relationship, fine, but you risked and ruined your friend's as well. And so saying, "Well I could have handled it better but I wasn't totally wrong either" might be technically true, but it (again) seems to miss what is really important here.

What is really important is . . . people. Your people. And your very important employee, and your very important friend, are not feeling very valued by you right now. I hope this situation leads to some introspection for you . . . what is it about the way you view other people that made you miss how this would play out? Why, when you were losing things that were important to you, were you not able to muster more remorse and empathy? Empathy is a muscle that you can work out and build up. Start by really sitting in how rude, entitled, and oblivious your actions felt to these other women.

[Anonymous]

I think she may cool off in a year or so but I would back off and give space because they are dealing with fallout right now and until it’s al sorted they will probably resent you.

I give you credit for offering your in laws you tried to help at least.

But you need to stop making excuses about experience running a business and employees, etc. it makes it clear you don’t have not really sincerely regret what you did just the outcome. Also, sending the request without discussing it with the other family was a betrayal of their trust in you. If you acted unilaterally in other ways in the nanny share I would not be surprised if the relationship is gone for good. Give it some thought and make sure there is not more you could learn from/apologize for.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If she doesn't regularly take off and really flexible, you should not have asked for a doctors note or say, I'm sorry that you aren't feeling well, would you like us to pay the co-pay and ask for a receipt? If she constantly took off, yes, it's ok to ask for a note, but this isn't the situation.

Fix it by offering a pay raise, apologizing and asking if there is anything you can do to fix the situation.

Are you kidding?! Just reread OP's original post and nanny would never return for any amount of money,.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never had a job where a note was requested. I am an adult and know how to manage my own illnesses and when to seek medical care. I def do not need my employer to tell me when to see a doctor. I would hate to work for you.

I do wonder what kind of business OP runs where she can’t trust her employees to not steal from her. If she can’t trust them to be sick, she can’t trust them with clients, inventory, cash, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The doctors note was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

This, plus household employees are generally super sensitive about things like strict rules, average pay, lack of autonomy. They are generally looking for the least amount of work for the greatest amount of money, as well as for the families that give them very broad autonomy and don’t micromanage.
They know someone who appreciates them and treats them with general respect and trust.

I know because my neighbor works in caregiving, and she has a ton of offers but it is very hard to make her stick to one. If her charge is difficult or annoying, she quits. If the relatives are cheap, she quits.
If extra duties are piled up on her without extra pay - she quits.
She has one stable job where she is a live in, rules the roost, the daughter of the woman pays her a decent salary and a decent amount of food money, never really visits, her charge is immobile and has a cheerful personality etc.
Its a skill to be able to retain a low pay employee with a good choice of other positions

Ooof, yes, this is why we ended up tolerating a great deal of lying/fake sick days from our nanny. I was MOSTLY confident in her ability to care for our child, but never totally happy with it. I guess I figured it was better that her flaws be up front, and I knew she really did like my kid.

I don't get why parents somehow believe that nannies and childcare providers are somehow like Mary Poppins are are not human. Most humans call in sick and use their allotted sick days. Sick might be I'm hung over, could be a mental health day, could be strep throat. This is the way of the world. If you want someone to never need a personal day, never get sick, and be available to you at all times, no matter what, you are looking for someone called a slave. Because the only way to get anything resembling that otherwise, is to pay far more than market rate. Unless you are doing that, everyone needs to accept that folks are going to phone it in sometimes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a DC native but moved across the country in 2017 to own a business with DH. We both had a really hard making friends due to some cultural differences in this part of the country. I befriended at my gym in late 2019 right before the pandemic. We created our own little pod with her and her husband and became very close. We also both got pregnant with our first within weeks of one another and both gave birth in summer 2021 within days of one another. We both stayed home for the first year and spent tons of time together and when we decided to go back to work realized that childcare was going to be a major issue. There’s a shortage of childcare options here. We couldn’t find a single decent daycare with an opening and my schedule didn’t really work well with a daycare center. I had a few babysitters and they just never worked out. Mostly college age kids who couldn’t commit. We decided to try a nanny share and posted an ad on our local Facebook childcare page and we ended up getting a response, did interviews and it was a great fit. Experienced and educated nanny, very flexible with our schedule and does a great job with two 1-year-olds. She’s been with us for about 9 months and it’s gone really well.

Here’s the issue; nanny got sick with strep last a few weeks ago and ended up missing three days. We’ve (my husband and I) have been running a business for over 5 years. It’s standard that we request doctors notes when we have numerous call ins for illness. I have gotten much pushback, I implemented it originally because we had employees who would lie about illnesses to miss significant amounts of work. That’s what was in my mind when I emailed our nanny and asked for her to bring in her doctors note when she returned. I now know this is not usually how it works with nannies, so I don’t need the lecture. However, this seemed to greatly offend her and she came in on a Monday with a doctors note and a letter of resignation. She said if we can’t trust her to be honest about her illnesses and reason for calling in then she doesn’t think we can trust her with our child so she decided it’s time to move on. She’s gave us four weeks notice.

But, she also told our share family that they also had a four weeks notice. She apparently told my friend/share family that she thinks it wouldn’t work for her to just continue working for our friends and that she needs the hourly share wage and that the hourly wage they can offer her on their own isn’t enough and she didn’t seem interested in them trying to find a different share situation with another family. She claimed she thought this was best because she “didn’t want to make things awkward” between my friend and I but only working for one family. However, now we have one week left with nanny (yes it’s been very awkward) and neither of us have found childcare alternatives. We’re having my in-laws come in for a week or so to give us more time. Our friends do not have family that can assist and that’s created a lot of tension. I offered to have my in-laws help with their LO and they declined. They don’t seem interested in trying a share again and are more serious about looking into a daycare while we still prefer another babysitter. My friend has also been super distant and I know she’s angry with me and I understand the frustration but I don’t think we’re wholly at fault.

Going back I wouldn’t have requested the doctors note but I don’t think it’s a crazy thing to request for any employee. I feel like if the nanny was willing to quit over something so small we have been unknowingly walking on eggshells with her the entire time and didn’t know it. We know she can find a job much easier than we can find a nanny because there are so many families desperate for care. She definitely has always had the upper hand.

But now I just deeply regret the nanny share idea as a whole. 9 months of childcare is not worth 3.5 years or friendship. I’m just so sad.

I mean, clearly you. You may not WANT the lecture, but you need it. Wow.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Welp, you made your bed, now lie in it. I don’t blame the nanny at all. If she’s not one to frequently call out sick, you should have let it be. You seem incredibly awkward at almost all types of relationship, to be honest. I’m amazed you’re married.

These comments are always so ridiculous and unhelpful to the conversation at hand.

People can’t help but be mean. I have no idea why anyone comes here for support because they won’t ever find it.

They get support when their behavior is WORTHY of support. OP’s behavior was a joke, she 100% caused her own problem and she comes on here still saying “I don’t think it’s totally my fault.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You revealed a lot about yourself by how you dealt with the nanny. If I were your nanny-share friend, I would move on not only because of what you did but more so because how it reflects on your character more broadly.

Well that’s a bit excessive. I had a nanny who abused our generous sick leave and it was a real issue. OP has experienced the same with employees. OP was wrong the way she went about it, but she’s not a monster.

No one said she’s a monster. She’s a bad employer.

And the kicker is that if the nanny has strep, she likely DID go to a doctor/urgent care to be diagnosed and get meds, but since OP was so ridiculously presumptuous, she lost her childcare anyway. Good. Deservedly so. The nanny will have another job within days if she wants one, without the ridiculously controlling and inflexible parents.

[Anonymous]

I’ve worked for companies who require sick notes, and others that don’t. The culture at the former is often terrible, and the money is the only thing preventing extremely high turnover. At the latter, the culture is more trusting, give people the benefit of the doubt and assume good intentions. Of course, if someone abuses it they are let go.

My guess is OP (and maybe her friend too) instituted a culture with a lack of trust. They treated the nanny like a hired hand instead of a valued partner who cares for the most precious things in their lives. The nanny was probably unhappy with their attitudes before, but stayed because she liked the kids or out of inertia. This was the straw that broke the camel’s back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny sounds entitled. When you have a job you do what’s requested of you by your employer. If she doesn’t like it she can start her own company and do as she likes.

Ha! You’re delusional.