Nanny share situation has ruined one of my few friendships

[Anonymous]

Did you discuss the note request with your friend? If you didn’t and you just did it on your own she has every right to be pissed.

+1

You were not the nannny''s only employer and you had no right to impose such a requirement before discussing it with your former friend. If the nanny has worked for you for 9 months and this is the first time she's missed for illness, I think the request for a doctor's note was a bit much. But if you were her sole employer, it would be your right to do this. But it is definitely not your right to impose such a requirement UNILATERALLY with no discussion with your co-employer.

You're at fault. You owe a whopping apology to your friend. I think the least you can do is offer to pay whatever you paid for the nanny share to your friend for 2 weeks after the nanny leaves to help her make alternative arrangements. 4 weeks would be better.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I think you are definitely in the wrong here. Was there anything in the nanny contract about requiring a doctors note? Did you tell the other family before you asked her to bring one in? If I were you, I would have immediately groveled to the nanny (and the other family) about how you were so out of line and you feel terrible and you didn’t mean any offense etc. You made a major misstep and don’t seem to care about apologizing. I have never been asked for a doctor’s note in my life and would be pretty angry if someone that trusted me with their kids had to gall to ask for one.

+1 You said you didn’t want a lecture, OP, and I understand that, but you also said you don’t think you’re wholly at fault. You are wholly at fault. I have trouble understanding why you didn’t realize it was completely inappropriate to ask your nanny for a doctor’s note in this scenario nor why you didn’t do everything in your power to offer a sincere apology as soon as you realized how much you’d screwed up. This person should have been treated like the rare and highly valued employee making 2 households run smoothly that she was, not some lazy, easily replaced person with a history of slacking off.

Maybe once your friend finds a good childcare situation you can share with her all your regrets about how poorly you handled the situation, how much you value her, and ask for a second chance to be a good friend. She will likely be much less stress once her kid is in good hands.

[Anonymous]

You revealed a lot about yourself by how you dealt with the nanny. If I were your nanny-share friend, I would move on not only because of what you did but more so because how it reflects on your character more broadly.

[Anonymous]

I feel bad for both of them—you still don’t understand how clueless, presumptuous and arrogant you were. PPs are right that groveling and offering a raise that you cover would be your smartest move, but I doubt you could do it sincerely.

At this point there is nothing you can do but apologize, perhaps ask for more feedback to show you’re looking inward and consider making some financial restitution to your friend to account for how much you’ve cost her family. Also, do not follow her to the daycare! And think of your child in the future: Consistent, nurturing childcare for the cost of a share is not something to trifle with.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You revealed a lot about yourself by how you dealt with the nanny. If I were your nanny-share friend, I would move on not only because of what you did but more so because how it reflects on your character more broadly.

Well that’s a bit excessive. I had a nanny who abused our generous sick leave and it was a real issue. OP has experienced the same with employees. OP was wrong the way she went about it, but she’s not a monster.

[Anonymous]

There’s basically nothing you can do now to save either your friendship or your employee, so I’d just move on and try to learn from your mistakes, which were pretty glaringly obvious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

...Going back I wouldn’t have requested the doctors note but I don’t think it’s a crazy thing to request for any employee. I feel like if the nanny was willing to quit over something so small we have been unknowingly walking on eggshells with her the entire time and didn’t know it. We know she can find a job much easier than we can find a nanny because there are so many families desperate for care. She definitely has always had the upper hand.

But now I just deeply regret the nanny share idea as a whole. 9 months of childcare is not worth 3.5 years or friendship. I’m just so sad.

It's beyond unreasonable for you to ask anyone who is out for 2-5 days for a doctor's note. I would quit too, including at your company. You're treating adults like children, so you're going to lose out on good employees plain and simple.

Your friend has a right to be pissed at you, since it sounds like you did it unilaterally. Lesson learned.

[Anonymous]

^^ me back to say that you're causing people to spend $150 to go to a doctor when it isn't always necessary. Also, huge time inconvenience.

[Anonymous]

I agree you were wrong, but a friend who can’t forgive the misstep is a friend who would desert you at some point anyway. I think you’re better off without the friend. The fact the nanny isn’t willing to work with the friend to find a replacement for you means the nanny wants to move on, not just from you, but from your friend as well, and that’s not your fault. I don’t believe the nanny cares whether it would be awkward between you two (why would she care about that?) she is just using it as an excuse to move on. Sorry, OP, but I think if it hadn’t been this, it would have been something else with these two.

[Anonymous]

The doctors note was just the straw that broke the camel’s back.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree you were wrong, but a friend who can’t forgive the misstep is a friend who would desert you at some point anyway. I think you’re better off without the friend. The fact the nanny isn’t willing to work with the friend to find a replacement for you means the nanny wants to move on, not just from you, but from your friend as well, and that’s not your fault. I don’t believe the nanny cares whether it would be awkward between you two (why would she care about that?) she is just using it as an excuse to move on. Sorry, OP, but I think if it hadn’t been this, it would have been something else with these two.

I don’t think you can judge the friend while she’s still scrambling to find childcare. I’m sure she’s at leased as stressed as angry at this point.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You revealed a lot about yourself by how you dealt with the nanny. If I were your nanny-share friend, I would move on not only because of what you did but more so because how it reflects on your character more broadly.

Well that’s a bit excessive. I had a nanny who abused our generous sick leave and it was a real issue. OP has experienced the same with employees. OP was wrong the way she went about it, but she’s not a monster.

She’s a bad employer and a worse friend. Did she run the idea of the doctors note by the other mom?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree you were wrong, but a friend who can’t forgive the misstep is a friend who would desert you at some point anyway. I think you’re better off without the friend. The fact the nanny isn’t willing to work with the friend to find a replacement for you means the nanny wants to move on, not just from you, but from your friend as well, and that’s not your fault. I don’t believe the nanny cares whether it would be awkward between you two (why would she care about that?) she is just using it as an excuse to move on. Sorry, OP, but I think if it hadn’t been this, it would have been something else with these two.

Upending a good childcare arrangement due to silly behavior is more than a “misstep”.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:^^ me back to say that you're causing people to spend $150 to go to a doctor when it isn't always necessary. Also, huge time inconvenience.

Confirming strep required a doctors appointment.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I agree you were wrong, but a friend who can’t forgive the misstep is a friend who would desert you at some point anyway. I think you’re better off without the friend. The fact the nanny isn’t willing to work with the friend to find a replacement for you means the nanny wants to move on, not just from you, but from your friend as well, and that’s not your fault. I don’t believe the nanny cares whether it would be awkward between you two (why would she care about that?) she is just using it as an excuse to move on. Sorry, OP, but I think if it hadn’t been this, it would have been something else with these two.

I don’t know. It’s a pretty big deal to ruin your friend’s childcare arrangements.