Nanny share situation has ruined one of my few friendships

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I agree you were wrong, but a friend who can’t forgive the misstep is a friend who would desert you at some point anyway. I think you’re better off without the friend. The fact the nanny isn’t willing to work with the friend to find a replacement for you means the nanny wants to move on, not just from you, but from your friend as well, and that’s not your fault. I don’t believe the nanny cares whether it would be awkward between you two (why would she care about that?) she is just using it as an excuse to move on. Sorry, OP, but I think if it hadn’t been this, it would have been something else with these two.

I don’t know. It’s a pretty big deal to ruin your friend’s childcare arrangements.

I think it’s the nanny that’s ruining the childcare relationship with the friend. The nanny could just “fire” OP. The fact that she won’t means she isn’t interested in working with the friend, and that’s not OP’s fault. I think nanny would have left sooner rather than later anyway, not only because of OP.

Did you read the OP? It was long, but she did say the nanny needed the share rate and the friend couldn’t afford it.

I read it. It said that nanny wouldn’t give the friend an opportunity to find someone else to nanny share with.

Because she doesn’t need to. Experienced nannies are in demand. Better to move on and start fresh.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have never had a job where a note was requested. I am an adult and know how to manage my own illnesses and when to seek medical care. I def do not need my employer to tell me when to see a doctor. I would hate to work for you.

This. A nanny is not a fast food worker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ me back to say that you're causing people to spend $150 to go to a doctor when it isn't always necessary. Also, huge time inconvenience.

Confirming strep required a doctors appointment.

But a normal person would not think to ask their doctor for a note at the appointment where they're getting diagnosed. OP asked her to go back and get a note. Some doctors would charge for that.

You can call for a note and you can ask OP to cover the charge if there is one (I e never heard of being charged for a sick note, but who knows.)

If it’s done separately from the visit, it happens often.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's obvious to me that the note request was one of MANY things that OP has done that pissed off the nanny. This one thing wouldn't have triggered a resignation normally. OP has done things like this and pissed off the nanny many times. OP - come back and tell us what else you've done?

Well after reading DCUM nanny boards, I actually wouldn't be surprised to see this level of pettiness from the nanny. If she were sane, she would have a discussion about that particular expectation with the employer before straight up quitting.

If the employer were sane, she would have out that particular “requirement” in the contract upfront (and therefore weeded out most experienced nanny candidates, who don’t put up with being treated like teenagers slinging fast food burgers).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ me back to say that you're causing people to spend $150 to go to a doctor when it isn't always necessary. Also, huge time inconvenience.

Confirming strep required a doctors appointment.

But a normal person would not think to ask their doctor for a note at the appointment where they're getting diagnosed. OP asked her to go back and get a note. Some doctors would charge for that.

You can call for a note and you can ask OP to cover the charge if there is one (I e never heard of being charged for a sick note, but who knows.)

Most places these days there is some kind of text confirmation, portal note, etc. that you can show rather than go back to the doc. Or you can show your prescription if it was strep.

Or you can do none of those things, since OP is ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's obvious to me that the note request was one of MANY things that OP has done that pissed off the nanny. This one thing wouldn't have triggered a resignation normally. OP has done things like this and pissed off the nanny many times. OP - come back and tell us what else you've done?

Well after reading DCUM nanny boards, I actually wouldn't be surprised to see this level of pettiness from the nanny. If she were sane, she would have a discussion about that particular expectation with the employer before straight up quitting.

If the employer were sane, she would have out that particular “requirement” in the contract upfront (and therefore weeded out most experienced nanny candidates, who don’t put up with being treated like teenagers slinging fast food burgers).

I wouldn't call her insane, but I do think OP should rethink her "stick instead of carrot" philosophy when it comes to employees. People are happier and more productive when they feel trusted and part of something. If there are a few bad apples abusing their sick leave, then they should be weeded out. The answer isn't to have extra hoops for all employees to jump through.

My daughter was vomiting the other night, so I kept her home from school. A little vomiting doesn't warrant a trip to the doctor. Policies like OP's will make people choose between unnecessary trips to the doctor and just showing up for work when they're sick. It will also make them feel resentful and micro-managed. This seems like a huge overreaction on OP's part . . . she feels like some employees have bad reasons for missing work, therefore she exerts more unnecessary control. And now she's suffering the natural consequences of that philosophy in her personal life.

[Anonymous]

The responses here are very telling. Most people in life have an instinct to blame and point the finger when something goes wrong. If the friend is like most people here, so will she. If she is level headed then she will realize stuff happens.

[Anonymous]

I think this goes a lot deeper than just a doctors note, which was completely unreasonable. I think there have been other micromanaging issues in this nanny share, and this was the proverbial straw. Nanny had enough.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I am a DC native but moved across the country in 2017 to own a business with DH. We both had a really hard making friends due to some cultural differences in this part of the country. I befriended at my gym in late 2019 right before the pandemic. We created our own little pod with her and her husband and became very close. We also both got pregnant with our first within weeks of one another and both gave birth in summer 2021 within days of one another. We both stayed home for the first year and spent tons of time together and when we decided to go back to work realized that childcare was going to be a major issue. There’s a shortage of childcare options here. We couldn’t find a single decent daycare with an opening and my schedule didn’t really work well with a daycare center. I had a few babysitters and they just never worked out. Mostly college age kids who couldn’t commit. We decided to try a nanny share and posted an ad on our local Facebook childcare page and we ended up getting a response, did interviews and it was a great fit. Experienced and educated nanny, very flexible with our schedule and does a great job with two 1-year-olds. She’s been with us for about 9 months and it’s gone really well.

Here’s the issue; nanny got sick with strep last a few weeks ago and ended up missing three days. We’ve (my husband and I) have been running a business for over 5 years. It’s standard that we request doctors notes when we have numerous call ins for illness. I have gotten much pushback, I implemented it originally because we had employees who would lie about illnesses to miss significant amounts of work. That’s what was in my mind when I emailed our nanny and asked for her to bring in her doctors note when she returned. I now know this is not usually how it works with nannies, so I don’t need the lecture. However, this seemed to greatly offend her and she came in on a Monday with a doctors note and a letter of resignation. She said if we can’t trust her to be honest about her illnesses and reason for calling in then she doesn’t think we can trust her with our child so she decided it’s time to move on. She’s gave us four weeks notice.

But, she also told our share family that they also had a four weeks notice. She apparently told my friend/share family that she thinks it wouldn’t work for her to just continue working for our friends and that she needs the hourly share wage and that the hourly wage they can offer her on their own isn’t enough and she didn’t seem interested in them trying to find a different share situation with another family. She claimed she thought this was best because she “didn’t want to make things awkward” between my friend and I but only working for one family. However, now we have one week left with nanny (yes it’s been very awkward) and neither of us have found childcare alternatives. We’re having my in-laws come in for a week or so to give us more time. Our friends do not have family that can assist and that’s created a lot of tension. I offered to have my in-laws help with their LO and they declined. They don’t seem interested in trying a share again and are more serious about looking into a daycare while we still prefer another babysitter. My friend has also been super distant and I know she’s angry with me and I understand the frustration but I don’t think we’re wholly at fault.

Going back I wouldn’t have requested the doctors note but I don’t think it’s a crazy thing to request for any employee. I feel like if the nanny was willing to quit over something so small we have been unknowingly walking on eggshells with her the entire time and didn’t know it. We know she can find a job much easier than we can find a nanny because there are so many families desperate for care. She definitely has always had the upper hand.

But now I just deeply regret the nanny share idea as a whole. 9 months of childcare is not worth 3.5 years or friendship. I’m just so sad.

Sorry you haven’t found a nanny to care for your child. I see the big picture here, you came strong at your caregiver and she reacted accordingly. Cause and effect. She felt uncomfortable and didn’t appreciate your request of doctors note. Even IF you apologize or pump up her rate, once trust is broken is unrepairable. She’s not at fault of the fallout between you and friend.
I’m sure there’s a little more behind Nanny’s decision to call it quits.
Be thankful she gave you a curtesy of 4 weeks. Most Nannies give you a standard 2 weeks.

[Anonymous]

If you want to try and salvage the friendship, I would suggest an in-person heart to heart chat with your friend addressing the elephant in the room. I would also suggest not getting defensive when you hear her out.

[Anonymous]

For what it’s worth, years ago my FT nanny contracted strep from a family member and was still exhibiting symptoms the day before she was to return from vacation. I have a child with significant SN and asthma. Illness is a big, big deal for DC. I also asked for a doctor’s note since she had tested positive for strep. Fortunately, we had developed a very strong relationship up to that point and she didn’t quit although she said it was humiliating to ask for one. Ten years and a pandemic later, she is still with DC.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The responses here are very telling. Most people in life have an instinct to blame and point the finger when something goes wrong. If the friend is like most people here, so will she. If she is level headed then she will realize stuff happens.

What a hilarious response. The bolded is what *OP* is doing and you are here defending her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ me back to say that you're causing people to spend $150 to go to a doctor when it isn't always necessary. Also, huge time inconvenience.

Confirming strep required a doctors appointment.

But a normal person would not think to ask their doctor for a note at the appointment where they're getting diagnosed. OP asked her to go back and get a note. Some doctors would charge for that.

You can call for a note and you can ask OP to cover the charge if there is one (I e never heard of being charged for a sick note, but who knows.)

If it’s done separately from the visit, it happens often.

Doctors charge for everything.

[Anonymous]

Nanny shares are most often a very bad deal for the children, especially for babies.

[Anonymous]

Oof.

1. I'm a professor and I actively assert that I do NOT want to see doctors notes, because of a couple reasons: they are not equitable since not everyone can just go to the doctor, and also, they are non-sensical because sometimes you're too sick to work but don't need to go to the doctor. So that's #1 why I am super anti-doctors note requests. It's invasive and not equitable.

2. You should not have requested a doctors note from a shred employee before consulting the other family. That was out of bounds. I'd be mad too. They had no chance to weigh in.