Nanny share situation has ruined one of my few friendships

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This entire thread is why having a nanny makes me so uncomfortable. Yes, OP is 100% in the wrong, but it’s a little scary to be so dependent am on employee that you don’t feel like you can hold them accountable.

“Hold them accountable” you mean force them to work for you?

People have the right to quit without reason here. Are you saying nanny should be forced to stay because it inconveniences the family?

[Anonymous]

I have never had a job where a note was requested. I am an adult and know how to manage my own illnesses and when to seek medical care. I def do not need my employer to tell me when to see a doctor. I would hate to work for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are multiple indirect signs that you lack social skills, at best, or have some type of high-functioning autism, at worse. Not to worry, plenty of gainfully employed adults have HFA, it just makes interpersonal relationships a little harder. My husband and son have HFA, and they don't have friends. My husband has had multiple conflicts at work due to his poor reading of colleagues and bosses. He's very rigid and tries to apply rules to every situation, which is also how you came a cropper. You must be less affected if you do have friends, which is a relief. Perhaps your husband can take the lead in social situations.

As a “high functioning” autistic person I’m pretty offended you seem to think my diagnosis is the worst case scenario. I’m also beyond irritated when someone acts entitled or like a total @$$h*le and people guess it could be autism. Some people are just self absorbed jerks. I would never pull this on our nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Nanny here - I don’t think it’s unreasonable to require a note for 3 days of illness, if it’s paid time off. I think this was the last straw for your nanny. Two weeks be year olds are a lot of work. Things were much easier before the babies were mobile and I suspect your nanny was looking for a way out, and you gave it to her.

If my employer required a note for illness I wouldn’t accept the job. Sorry. Not all illnesses require a doctors note and honestly why someone misses work isn’t their employers business as long as it’s not excessive and 3 days after 9 months isn’t excessive.

[Anonymous]

Sorry OP but you seriously screwed up. I can't believe you asked your NANNY for a doctor's note. WTF is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ me back to say that you're causing people to spend $150 to go to a doctor when it isn't always necessary. Also, huge time inconvenience.

Confirming strep required a doctors appointment.

But a normal person would not think to ask their doctor for a note at the appointment where they're getting diagnosed. OP asked her to go back and get a note. Some doctors would charge for that.

[Anonymous]

I don’t have a nanny, but I think the people who are drawing comparisons to their own jobs not requiring a note are not making a correct analogy. If I’m sick, not much at my job is affected - basically I need to work twice as hard when I get back to make up the work. I’m an attorney but either the work can wait or one of my colleagues can fill in if it’s an emergency. If i use my sick leave, nothing much happens. A nanny is a much more critical function, in the scheme of things, because the “work” can’t be rescheduled and there isn’t necessarily anyone who can cover. Let’s imagine for example that OP was scheduled to perform a surgery. I might think about having different rules for a key employee like that and asking for a note after 3 days doesn’t seem unreasonable. It’s not the first day. Or the second day. But I think that should be communicated and negotiated ahead of time.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ me back to say that you're causing people to spend $150 to go to a doctor when it isn't always necessary. Also, huge time inconvenience.

Confirming strep required a doctors appointment.

But a normal person would not think to ask their doctor for a note at the appointment where they're getting diagnosed. OP asked her to go back and get a note. Some doctors would charge for that.

You can call for a note and you can ask OP to cover the charge if there is one (I e never heard of being charged for a sick note, but who knows.)

[Anonymous]

It's obvious to me that the note request was one of MANY things that OP has done that pissed off the nanny. This one thing wouldn't have triggered a resignation normally. OP has done things like this and pissed off the nanny many times. OP - come back and tell us what else you've done?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:It's obvious to me that the note request was one of MANY things that OP has done that pissed off the nanny. This one thing wouldn't have triggered a resignation normally. OP has done things like this and pissed off the nanny many times. OP - come back and tell us what else you've done?

Well after reading DCUM nanny boards, I actually wouldn't be surprised to see this level of pettiness from the nanny. If she were sane, she would have a discussion about that particular expectation with the employer before straight up quitting.

[Anonymous]

I can’t imagine asking our nanny for a note. I tried my best to have a close, caring relationship, even though it’s not my strong suit. A nanny isn’t a normal employee. She’s basically your family for a time (although she may not feel the same), and you need to treat her with the same respect and care. I wouldn’t ask my family for a doctors note. I’d say I’m so sorry they’re feeling sick and see if there’s anything I can do to help.

You’re trusting a nanny with your kids. If you don’t trust that she’s using her leave responsibly, then you should probably just start looking for a new nanny.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:It's obvious to me that the note request was one of MANY things that OP has done that pissed off the nanny. This one thing wouldn't have triggered a resignation normally. OP has done things like this and pissed off the nanny many times. OP - come back and tell us what else you've done?

Well after reading DCUM nanny boards, I actually wouldn't be surprised to see this level of pettiness from the nanny. If she were sane, she would have a discussion about that particular expectation with the employer before straight up quitting.

Why should she? She can easily get a new job (and probably more money) anytime she wants, so why put up with a wacko like OP? I know I wouldn’t.

[Anonymous]

I’m sorry. I don’t think a new friendship will be able to bounce back from the choice you made and the impact of it. A true full apology without criticism of the nanny, acknowledging this impacted care of their child and ability for them to work will be needed. Then give it time.

[Anonymous]

I haven't read the comments so sorry if I'm reiterating what others have said, but I was a full time nanny for 15 years and am now an MB. Here's my thoughts:
-Nanny shares are not fun for nannies. You have 2 families requirements and expectations to juggle (this is a perfect example) and 4 bosses instead of 2. Typically, the only reason a nanny does a share is for the increased pay rate. If I was with a family almost a year and never took off then got sick and they asked for a doctors note to "prove" it, I would also be inclined to resign. If they don't trust me to be truthful about an illness, what would happen if their kid got hurt on my watch? I had a child get a minor fracture under my care when she tripped in her living room and landed awkwardly on her arm. The family never questioned me and I was a wonderful employee to them for 6 years. I'd imagine a family that asked me to prove the validity of my need for sick days would have ruined my career over that trip and fall. I wouldn't feel safe working for them.

-Does your nanny have health insurance as a benefit? If not, did you just assume she has coverage? There was a period when I was nannying after I aged out of my parents coverage and before I was married where I didn't have health insurance. I was very sick once and had to go to urgent care and the bill was almost a week of my pay and that was the only time in my life I was late on rent that month. It was extremely stressful for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:^^ me back to say that you're causing people to spend $150 to go to a doctor when it isn't always necessary. Also, huge time inconvenience.

Confirming strep required a doctors appointment.

But a normal person would not think to ask their doctor for a note at the appointment where they're getting diagnosed. OP asked her to go back and get a note. Some doctors would charge for that.

You can call for a note and you can ask OP to cover the charge if there is one (I e never heard of being charged for a sick note, but who knows.)

Most places these days there is some kind of text confirmation, portal note, etc. that you can show rather than go back to the doc. Or you can show your prescription if it was strep.