Family taking advantage of beach house

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

OP, it is fine to invite just the parents, but it is not fine to invite just half of the IL's, and not the other half. That is plain rude, and I think you know that, hence your post.

Is this an annual tradition (of your family) that you are taking over? Is this a place that you prefer to go, and maybe not all of the family members? I ask because in our family, we have members from other areas (which happen to be near nice beaches) - so we understand that (other beach area) is their preference, as they grew up an hour away from that beach - so that is where they vacation. In other words, they have their own traditions that are generations longer than mine (!!!), so I respect that (if I want to be a decent IL). So, part of their limited time off (most of us are retired, but not this particular IL family), they go to see their cousins, who they actually grew up with. They have limited vacation time to work with, their kids are still in school, and there are other families involved in their planning. Part of being a good IL is being considerate, and not selfish and/or self centered.

I do know families who just think of themselves - they will ask a family "their availability" - then ignore it and do what they want. Then, if they were to "put their foot down" and ask for money, it would be kind of a joke, due to other factors (history). Plus, that particular part of the family consistently (for 20+ years) gets the least favorable accommodations (dirty diaper scented bunk beds for the adult couples, anyone??). Point being, maybe you are not doing them anyone any favors, but they are sucking it up to be together in the name of "tradition". Maybe they know the "vacation" is important to the elderly parents, for example. Or maybe they are just trying their best to do the right thing, given so little to work with. But these same people are likely damned if they do, and damned if they don't - sound familiar in any aspect, OP?

If that is the case, they really don't care if you go for two weeks and don't tell them, you have probably done so before. It is hurtful, but really, all you have to do is communicate and gently explain, you know - use your words, and explain what your expectations are, beforehand. I like the resort idea. Maybe you have to be open to more change and flexibility and inclusivity once per year, and that is perfectly okay. No one is looking to steal your crown. No one really enjoys those big, dirty beach houses all that much.

Was there a point to this gibberish? How is it at all relevant? Was it just an elaborate exercise in you projecting your own issues onto OP and her family? And what's with the snotty, "No one is looking to steal your crown"?

Why so nasty? Hit home a little too close? I was using examples of people I know. If it is not you, then don't worry about it so much. Point being, maybe not everyone "enjoys" the vacation week, it might actually be a sacrifice to some to attend. Way to totally miss the point.

Alternatively, the beach week may be a special treat for the others, and OP could be selfish, either way. Also, some families are not so great at communication, which I suspect might be the case with OP. I imagine that makes not just the beach week stressful, for OP, but perhaps the other 51 weeks of the year, as well. Some people are fine communicating to get their way, but that is the extent of their communication abilities.

So one of your theories is that OP's in-laws, who were not invited, are not paying for the house, are not contributing any food or labor, and are forcing other families to cram into a single room, really do not enjoy this vacation? Well, I have a simple solution - they should stay home.

And another theory is that OP is "selfish" because she doesn't want ot pay for her extended family's vacation, which also makes her own vacation less enjoyable, and forces her to cram her whole family into one room of a 3 BR house that she is paying for?

Either you have started drinking early, have suffered a recent head injury, or are simply too slow to be left unattended on the internet.

It seems that either the family is moochers, and/or that OP should be making alternate arrangements, such that no one is treated unequally ie: a resort.

What your issue is, is anyone's guess.

This is just too stupid for words.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they poor, though? Can you all afford nicer vacations and they cannot?

100% irrelevant.

This may not be determinative, but it's certainly relevant and what's up with you for thinking it's not? If someone doesn't have funds but could contribute in other ways -- like cooking all the meals or doing all the babysitting or certain excursions with the kids, etc -- that's certainly relevant to making the vacation a great trip after all.

This is time your kids are spending with their extended family and if the family is actually having a really great time together and creating memories that will be treasured forever down the road, and maybe cementing relationships that will last into adulthood, I'd be loathe to blow that up if the money wasn't really that important to me. That said, I see that you are also really missing out on getting your own family time together during this vacation and that it's basically being taken over by your husband's family while I suspect you personally are doing most of the work like cooking etc., which totally isn't fair.

Is the family (including your kids) really enjoying this time together or is it mostly the in laws who are enjoying freeloading off of you? And are they significantly poorer than you, or at roughly the same wealth level? If your kids are having a super great time but the wealth levels are vastly different, I'd consider proposing that you guys absorb the cost of the house (maybe with a room for your kids) rental but make it clear that the in laws are in charge of all food for the whole house, and the cooking of all meals, and see if the in laws still want to come under those conditions. jmho.

I grew up usually being poorer than the people I was vacationing with, but learned early to always offer to help out in ways I could -- cooking, doing dishes, etc -- and I always felt I was a welcome guest.

If they “don’t have the funds,” then they don’t take the trip. Simple.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Are they poor, though? Can you all afford nicer vacations and they cannot?

100% irrelevant.

This may not be determinative, but it's certainly relevant and what's up with you for thinking it's not? If someone doesn't have funds but could contribute in other ways -- like cooking all the meals or doing all the babysitting or certain excursions with the kids, etc -- that's certainly relevant to making the vacation a great trip after all.

This is time your kids are spending with their extended family and if the family is actually having a really great time together and creating memories that will be treasured forever down the road, and maybe cementing relationships that will last into adulthood, I'd be loathe to blow that up if the money wasn't really that important to me. That said, I see that you are also really missing out on getting your own family time together during this vacation and that it's basically being taken over by your husband's family while I suspect you personally are doing most of the work like cooking etc., which totally isn't fair.

Is the family (including your kids) really enjoying this time together or is it mostly the in laws who are enjoying freeloading off of you? And are they significantly poorer than you, or at roughly the same wealth level? If your kids are having a super great time but the wealth levels are vastly different, I'd consider proposing that you guys absorb the cost of the house (maybe with a room for your kids) rental but make it clear that the in laws are in charge of all food for the whole house, and the cooking of all meals, and see if the in laws still want to come under those conditions. jmho.

I grew up usually being poorer than the people I was vacationing with, but learned early to always offer to help out in ways I could -- cooking, doing dishes, etc -- and I always felt I was a welcome guest.

Just because you have less money doesn’t mean you get to horn in on someone else’s vacation.

100% agree, and in our large extended family, we are the ones who have less money.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

OP, it is fine to invite just the parents, but it is not fine to invite just half of the IL's, and not the other half. That is plain rude, and I think you know that, hence your post.

Is this an annual tradition (of your family) that you are taking over? Is this a place that you prefer to go, and maybe not all of the family members? I ask because in our family, we have members from other areas (which happen to be near nice beaches) - so we understand that (other beach area) is their preference, as they grew up an hour away from that beach - so that is where they vacation. In other words, they have their own traditions that are generations longer than mine (!!!), so I respect that (if I want to be a decent IL). So, part of their limited time off (most of us are retired, but not this particular IL family), they go to see their cousins, who they actually grew up with. They have limited vacation time to work with, their kids are still in school, and there are other families involved in their planning. Part of being a good IL is being considerate, and not selfish and/or self centered.

I do know families who just think of themselves - they will ask a family "their availability" - then ignore it and do what they want. Then, if they were to "put their foot down" and ask for money, it would be kind of a joke, due to other factors (history). Plus, that particular part of the family consistently (for 20+ years) gets the least favorable accommodations (dirty diaper scented bunk beds for the adult couples, anyone??). Point being, maybe you are not doing them anyone any favors, but they are sucking it up to be together in the name of "tradition". Maybe they know the "vacation" is important to the elderly parents, for example. Or maybe they are just trying their best to do the right thing, given so little to work with. But these same people are likely damned if they do, and damned if they don't - sound familiar in any aspect, OP?

If that is the case, they really don't care if you go for two weeks and don't tell them, you have probably done so before. It is hurtful, but really, all you have to do is communicate and gently explain, you know - use your words, and explain what your expectations are, beforehand. I like the resort idea. Maybe you have to be open to more change and flexibility and inclusivity once per year, and that is perfectly okay. No one is looking to steal your crown. No one really enjoys those big, dirty beach houses all that much.

Was there a point to this gibberish? How is it at all relevant? Was it just an elaborate exercise in you projecting your own issues onto OP and her family? And what's with the snotty, "No one is looking to steal your crown"?

Why so nasty? Hit home a little too close? I was using examples of people I know. If it is not you, then don't worry about it so much. Point being, maybe not everyone "enjoys" the vacation week, it might actually be a sacrifice to some to attend. Way to totally miss the point.

Alternatively, the beach week may be a special treat for the others, and OP could be selfish, either way. Also, some families are not so great at communication, which I suspect might be the case with OP. I imagine that makes not just the beach week stressful, for OP, but perhaps the other 51 weeks of the year, as well. Some people are fine communicating to get their way, but that is the extent of their communication abilities.

Oh, honey. Just stop. You’re embarrassing yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

OP, it is fine to invite just the parents, but it is not fine to invite just half of the IL's, and not the other half. That is plain rude, and I think you know that, hence your post.

Is this an annual tradition (of your family) that you are taking over? Is this a place that you prefer to go, and maybe not all of the family members? I ask because in our family, we have members from other areas (which happen to be near nice beaches) - so we understand that (other beach area) is their preference, as they grew up an hour away from that beach - so that is where they vacation. In other words, they have their own traditions that are generations longer than mine (!!!), so I respect that (if I want to be a decent IL). So, part of their limited time off (most of us are retired, but not this particular IL family), they go to see their cousins, who they actually grew up with. They have limited vacation time to work with, their kids are still in school, and there are other families involved in their planning. Part of being a good IL is being considerate, and not selfish and/or self centered.

I do know families who just think of themselves - they will ask a family "their availability" - then ignore it and do what they want. Then, if they were to "put their foot down" and ask for money, it would be kind of a joke, due to other factors (history). Plus, that particular part of the family consistently (for 20+ years) gets the least favorable accommodations (dirty diaper scented bunk beds for the adult couples, anyone??). Point being, maybe you are not doing them anyone any favors, but they are sucking it up to be together in the name of "tradition". Maybe they know the "vacation" is important to the elderly parents, for example. Or maybe they are just trying their best to do the right thing, given so little to work with. But these same people are likely damned if they do, and damned if they don't - sound familiar in any aspect, OP?

If that is the case, they really don't care if you go for two weeks and don't tell them, you have probably done so before. It is hurtful, but really, all you have to do is communicate and gently explain, you know - use your words, and explain what your expectations are, beforehand. I like the resort idea. Maybe you have to be open to more change and flexibility and inclusivity once per year, and that is perfectly okay. No one is looking to steal your crown. No one really enjoys those big, dirty beach houses all that much.

Was there a point to this gibberish? How is it at all relevant? Was it just an elaborate exercise in you projecting your own issues onto OP and her family? And what's with the snotty, "No one is looking to steal your crown"?

Why so nasty? Hit home a little too close? I was using examples of people I know. If it is not you, then don't worry about it so much. Point being, maybe not everyone "enjoys" the vacation week, it might actually be a sacrifice to some to attend. Way to totally miss the point.

Alternatively, the beach week may be a special treat for the others, and OP could be selfish, either way. Also, some families are not so great at communication, which I suspect might be the case with OP. I imagine that makes not just the beach week stressful, for OP, but perhaps the other 51 weeks of the year, as well. Some people are fine communicating to get their way, but that is the extent of their communication abilities.

Good grief you are awful! The OP is selfish because she doesn’t want to ruin half her vacation hosting uninvited freeloaders or wait for it..the freeloaders are the ones sacrificing to grace OP with their presence. You are a real piece of work. I can’t imagine how many things you invite yourself to and how much freeloading you partake in while rationalizing it. So gross.

Nailed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, OP, given your update and how there are still housing options, your DH should send one more message:

“Hey fam, our family is heading back to the beach this summer. It didn’t work to squeeze into our normal small house so we’ve got two options: if you all want to join us still for the weekend, you can rent a nearby condo. Here are some options. We can still gather and do meals at our house.

Or we rent a bigger house for the two weeks. Total cost is $6,000 each week and we can split it based on us taking 2 bedrooms and each of you taking one - so your share would be $1,500 each. We can sort menus and grocery plans as it gets closer.

Unless we hear from you, we are assuming you aren’t up for the larger house rental and we will hope it works out for you to rent a condo nearly and join us for part of the trip.”

I like this. Send via email so there’s no confusion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

OP, it is fine to invite just the parents, but it is not fine to invite just half of the IL's, and not the other half. That is plain rude, and I think you know that, hence your post.

Is this an annual tradition (of your family) that you are taking over? Is this a place that you prefer to go, and maybe not all of the family members? I ask because in our family, we have members from other areas (which happen to be near nice beaches) - so we understand that (other beach area) is their preference, as they grew up an hour away from that beach - so that is where they vacation. In other words, they have their own traditions that are generations longer than mine (!!!), so I respect that (if I want to be a decent IL). So, part of their limited time off (most of us are retired, but not this particular IL family), they go to see their cousins, who they actually grew up with. They have limited vacation time to work with, their kids are still in school, and there are other families involved in their planning. Part of being a good IL is being considerate, and not selfish and/or self centered.

I do know families who just think of themselves - they will ask a family "their availability" - then ignore it and do what they want. Then, if they were to "put their foot down" and ask for money, it would be kind of a joke, due to other factors (history). Plus, that particular part of the family consistently (for 20+ years) gets the least favorable accommodations (dirty diaper scented bunk beds for the adult couples, anyone??). Point being, maybe you are not doing them anyone any favors, but they are sucking it up to be together in the name of "tradition". Maybe they know the "vacation" is important to the elderly parents, for example. Or maybe they are just trying their best to do the right thing, given so little to work with. But these same people are likely damned if they do, and damned if they don't - sound familiar in any aspect, OP?

If that is the case, they really don't care if you go for two weeks and don't tell them, you have probably done so before. It is hurtful, but really, all you have to do is communicate and gently explain, you know - use your words, and explain what your expectations are, beforehand. I like the resort idea. Maybe you have to be open to more change and flexibility and inclusivity once per year, and that is perfectly okay. No one is looking to steal your crown. No one really enjoys those big, dirty beach houses all that much.

Was there a point to this gibberish? How is it at all relevant? Was it just an elaborate exercise in you projecting your own issues onto OP and her family? And what's with the snotty, "No one is looking to steal your crown"?

Why so nasty? Hit home a little too close? I was using examples of people I know. If it is not you, then don't worry about it so much. Point being, maybe not everyone "enjoys" the vacation week, it might actually be a sacrifice to some to attend. Way to totally miss the point.

Alternatively, the beach week may be a special treat for the others, and OP could be selfish, either way. Also, some families are not so great at communication, which I suspect might be the case with OP. I imagine that makes not just the beach week stressful, for OP, but perhaps the other 51 weeks of the year, as well. Some people are fine communicating to get their way, but that is the extent of their communication abilities.

After reading two completely nonsensical posts, I am 100% sure you have no standing to criticize OP’s (or anyone’s) communication skills. Yikes.

'
Whatever you say - you seem accustomed to people telling you that you are "right" (to shut you up).

Sorry not sorry it hit too close to home for you.

“Sorry not sorry?” “Hit a nerve?” Seriously, are you in 7th grade?

Next will be “I said what I said.”

[Anonymous]

Family is hard!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, OP, given your update and how there are still housing options, your DH should send one more message:

“Hey fam, our family is heading back to the beach this summer. It didn’t work to squeeze into our normal small house so we’ve got two options: if you all want to join us still for the weekend, you can rent a nearby condo. Here are some options. We can still gather and do meals at our house.

Or we rent a bigger house for the two weeks. Total cost is $6,000 each week and we can split it based on us taking 2 bedrooms and each of you taking one - so your share would be $1,500 each. We can sort menus and grocery plans as it gets closer.

Unless we hear from you, we are assuming you aren’t up for the larger house rental and we will hope it works out for you to rent a condo nearly and join us for part of the trip.”

I like this. Send via email so there’s no confusion.

I like this too.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

OP, it is fine to invite just the parents, but it is not fine to invite just half of the IL's, and not the other half. That is plain rude, and I think you know that, hence your post.

Is this an annual tradition (of your family) that you are taking over? Is this a place that you prefer to go, and maybe not all of the family members? I ask because in our family, we have members from other areas (which happen to be near nice beaches) - so we understand that (other beach area) is their preference, as they grew up an hour away from that beach - so that is where they vacation. In other words, they have their own traditions that are generations longer than mine (!!!), so I respect that (if I want to be a decent IL). So, part of their limited time off (most of us are retired, but not this particular IL family), they go to see their cousins, who they actually grew up with. They have limited vacation time to work with, their kids are still in school, and there are other families involved in their planning. Part of being a good IL is being considerate, and not selfish and/or self centered.

I do know families who just think of themselves - they will ask a family "their availability" - then ignore it and do what they want. Then, if they were to "put their foot down" and ask for money, it would be kind of a joke, due to other factors (history). Plus, that particular part of the family consistently (for 20+ years) gets the least favorable accommodations (dirty diaper scented bunk beds for the adult couples, anyone??). Point being, maybe you are not doing them anyone any favors, but they are sucking it up to be together in the name of "tradition". Maybe they know the "vacation" is important to the elderly parents, for example. Or maybe they are just trying their best to do the right thing, given so little to work with. But these same people are likely damned if they do, and damned if they don't - sound familiar in any aspect, OP?

If that is the case, they really don't care if you go for two weeks and don't tell them, you have probably done so before. It is hurtful, but really, all you have to do is communicate and gently explain, you know - use your words, and explain what your expectations are, beforehand. I like the resort idea. Maybe you have to be open to more change and flexibility and inclusivity once per year, and that is perfectly okay. No one is looking to steal your crown. No one really enjoys those big, dirty beach houses all that much.

Was there a point to this gibberish? How is it at all relevant? Was it just an elaborate exercise in you projecting your own issues onto OP and her family? And what's with the snotty, "No one is looking to steal your crown"?

Why so nasty? Hit home a little too close? I was using examples of people I know. If it is not you, then don't worry about it so much. Point being, maybe not everyone "enjoys" the vacation week, it might actually be a sacrifice to some to attend. Way to totally miss the point.

Alternatively, the beach week may be a special treat for the others, and OP could be selfish, either way. Also, some families are not so great at communication, which I suspect might be the case with OP. I imagine that makes not just the beach week stressful, for OP, but perhaps the other 51 weeks of the year, as well. Some people are fine communicating to get their way, but that is the extent of their communication abilities.

After reading two completely nonsensical posts, I am 100% sure you have no standing to criticize OP’s (or anyone’s) communication skills. Yikes.

'
Whatever you say - you seem accustomed to people telling you that you are "right" (to shut you up).

Sorry not sorry it hit too close to home for you.

“Sorry not sorry?” “Hit a nerve?” Seriously, are you in 7th grade?

Next will be “I said what I said.”

With a little “nanny nanny foo foo” thrown in. That PP (who was projecting wildly) is off her rocker.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Two summers ago DH and I decided to rent a beach house for 2 weeks in August. At the end of the trip we invited DH’s parents to come for a weekend. Overall it was a nice time. Last summer we rented the same house and in addition to DH’s parents coming, they pretty much invited his sister/BIL and their kids and everyone went from staying for a weekend to 5/6 days. It was fine, but the small house was pretty chaotic and instead of my kids having a bedroom they had to stay in the room with DH and me so his parents could have one room and his sister and her family had the other. No one offered to chip in for the most part so not only did we pay for the beach house, but we paid for most of the food too.

We were planning to rent a house again this summer and MIL already made a comment about how much fun everyone had and they can’t wait to come back. I suggested that we find a bigger house and all split it, which was pretty much met with blank stares. They pretty much just want us to foot the bill for their summer vacation.

I want to disinvite them, although let’s be clear that we have not invited them, but DH thinks that will not go over well. Can we tell them that if they want to come they need to contribute without it becoming a “thing”? I don’t see why others can’t chip in so we can get a more comfortable house. Why should we pay for the whole thing and be crammed in one bedroom, feeding everyone, etc? What would you do?

OP, it is fine to invite just the parents, but it is not fine to invite just half of the IL's, and not the other half. That is plain rude, and I think you know that, hence your post.

Is this an annual tradition (of your family) that you are taking over? Is this a place that you prefer to go, and maybe not all of the family members? I ask because in our family, we have members from other areas (which happen to be near nice beaches) - so we understand that (other beach area) is their preference, as they grew up an hour away from that beach - so that is where they vacation. In other words, they have their own traditions that are generations longer than mine (!!!), so I respect that (if I want to be a decent IL). So, part of their limited time off (most of us are retired, but not this particular IL family), they go to see their cousins, who they actually grew up with. They have limited vacation time to work with, their kids are still in school, and there are other families involved in their planning. Part of being a good IL is being considerate, and not selfish and/or self centered.

I do know families who just think of themselves - they will ask a family "their availability" - then ignore it and do what they want. Then, if they were to "put their foot down" and ask for money, it would be kind of a joke, due to other factors (history). Plus, that particular part of the family consistently (for 20+ years) gets the least favorable accommodations (dirty diaper scented bunk beds for the adult couples, anyone??). Point being, maybe you are not doing them anyone any favors, but they are sucking it up to be together in the name of "tradition". Maybe they know the "vacation" is important to the elderly parents, for example. Or maybe they are just trying their best to do the right thing, given so little to work with. But these same people are likely damned if they do, and damned if they don't - sound familiar in any aspect, OP?

If that is the case, they really don't care if you go for two weeks and don't tell them, you have probably done so before. It is hurtful, but really, all you have to do is communicate and gently explain, you know - use your words, and explain what your expectations are, beforehand. I like the resort idea. Maybe you have to be open to more change and flexibility and inclusivity once per year, and that is perfectly okay. No one is looking to steal your crown. No one really enjoys those big, dirty beach houses all that much.

Was there a point to this gibberish? How is it at all relevant? Was it just an elaborate exercise in you projecting your own issues onto OP and her family? And what's with the snotty, "No one is looking to steal your crown"?

Why so nasty? Hit home a little too close? I was using examples of people I know. If it is not you, then don't worry about it so much. Point being, maybe not everyone "enjoys" the vacation week, it might actually be a sacrifice to some to attend. Way to totally miss the point.

Alternatively, the beach week may be a special treat for the others, and OP could be selfish, either way. Also, some families are not so great at communication, which I suspect might be the case with OP. I imagine that makes not just the beach week stressful, for OP, but perhaps the other 51 weeks of the year, as well. Some people are fine communicating to get their way, but that is the extent of their communication abilities.

Oh, honey. Just stop. You’re embarrassing yourself.

\

dp It is almost like the pp is reading a totally different op and thread.

[Anonymous]

If you are ok spending the vacation with them, I would do 1 week in a small 2 bedrooms house/apartment for your nuclear family and then send out an email to MIL and BIL saying “for the week that we plan to spend together, I found this nice and bigger place. It’s $500 per family. Do you like it? Can I go ahead and book it? This is my Venmo account”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Ok, OP, given your update and how there are still housing options, your DH should send one more message:

“Hey fam, our family is heading back to the beach this summer. It didn’t work to squeeze into our normal small house so we’ve got two options: if you all want to join us still for the weekend, you can rent a nearby condo. Here are some options. We can still gather and do meals at our house.

Or we rent a bigger house for the two weeks. Total cost is $6,000 each week and we can split it based on us taking 2 bedrooms and each of you taking one - so your share would be $1,500 each. We can sort menus and grocery plans as it gets closer.

Unless we hear from you, we are assuming you aren’t up for the larger house rental and we will hope it works out for you to rent a condo nearly and join us for part of the trip.”

I like this. Send via email so there’s no confusion.

I like this too.

I like it too, but include an rsvp date where you will be booking your own place if you don’t hear from them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Ok, OP, given your update and how there are still housing options, your DH should send one more message:

“Hey fam, our family is heading back to the beach this summer. It didn’t work to squeeze into our normal small house so we’ve got two options: if you all want to join us still for the weekend, you can rent a nearby condo. Here are some options. We can still gather and do meals at our house.

Or we rent a bigger house for the two weeks. Total cost is $6,000 each week and we can split it based on us taking 2 bedrooms and each of you taking one - so your share would be $1,500 each. We can sort menus and grocery plans as it gets closer.

Unless we hear from you, we are assuming you aren’t up for the larger house rental and we will hope it works out for you to rent a condo nearly and join us for part of the trip.”

I also read your update and agree with this. I think you need to get this done ASAP rather than wait around. You should give them a deadline to reply to you so that you can move forward with renting your friends house or booking a larger home.

[Anonymous]

You can invite them over for a day visit (not an overnight) and what they do with the rest of their time is up to them.