How many parents still financially support their middle age adult children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:That’s not “support,” OP. That’s estate planning. I’m not dependent on my parents, but I am lucky to receive gifts and other advantages (like not worrying about retirement). No, they are not making any sacrifices to make those gifts. Realistically, close-in DC suburbs mean very high income or generational wealth. Your neighbors could surely afford to pay their own way, they would just live somewhere else.

Same for me with the bolded. I graduated without debt, had the wedding and honeymoon of a lifetime, etc. My great-grandkids will never have to work. Money is distributed slowly, and you get more the more schooling you get so our family is incentivized to become educated. We are encouraged to serve on non-profits, do philanthropy, and yes, work. DH and I each have full time jobs.

No way! You have full-time jobs as adults? Wow! Here’s a cookie.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

but I try to focus on what I can control.

you can. Tell your husband no dice.

Hahahaha. Aww, you’re cute.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My hubby got nothing but their debt and expenses, some parents are in position to spoil grown children, some grown children are in position to spoil parents.

Exactly! My mom agrees (from her floor of our house). 😀. But yeah.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are broke. I know plenty of wildly successful fully grown adults who are getting money from rich parents. My view is that independence is overrated. They’re just as hardworking and successful as me, but with better vacations.

I agree with you but I don't think Independence is overrated.

I think the meaning of independence is subjective.

Nah. You’re not really independent if you have generational wealth or intergenerational gifts. It’s great for you, and enjoy it, but own it.

Meh. You're not really independent if your parents paid for college and you graduated debt free.


Meh. You're not really independent if your parents paid for an expensive k-12 .


Meh. You're not really independent if your parents moved you to the best school district, in a safe neighborhood, always had healthy food on the table, loved you and supported your mental, physical and emotional growth.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are broke. I know plenty of wildly successful fully grown adults who are getting money from rich parents. My view is that independence is overrated. They’re just as hardworking and successful as me, but with better vacations.

I agree with you but I don't think Independence is overrated.

I think the meaning of independence is subjective.

Nah. You’re not really independent if you have generational wealth or intergenerational gifts. It’s great for you, and enjoy it, but own it.

Meh. You're not really independent if your parents paid for college and you graduated debt free.


Meh. You're not really independent if your parents paid for an expensive k-12 .


Meh. You're not really independent if your parents moved you to the best school district, in a safe neighborhood, always had healthy food on the table, loved you and supported your mental, physical and emotional growth.

Triggered much? Lol

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know lots of my friend's wealthier parents helped them constantly until the parents died.

And why wouldn't you if you had the funds? We are UHNW. We will help our kids as long as they are working hard/contributing to society (ie....they need a 40 hour/week job and be working hard to better themselves---not an issue one has graduated college already and gainfully employed, other is in college doing well). But why wouldn't we help them fully fund their IRA/401k? and pay for family vacations (they are both single)

They know any future grandkids will have fully funded 529s, and we will help with house downpayment when they are ready to settle into a specific area.

So yes, that's helping, but only for extras. They still live "within their means" for everything else, meaning they can afford the basics in life.
I would much rather see my kids/their future spouse and grandkids enjoy the money while I"m alive, than have them wait until they are 50-60+ and inherit it. And if they truly wanted to go into a field with low pay, but a field that truly helps/contributes to society, they know we would help support them in order to do so. Just seems silly to make them wait until we die to enjoy the $$.

I think it's really sweet of you to offer your kids this much financial support (I would love it if my parents were in a position to do as much not going to lie). But please stop saying that paying a big chunk toward their housing and kids' college funds is an "extra." Housing and education are two of the most basic, expensive things people have to budget for. They're not "extra." Vacations, expensive clothes, private school could be counted as "extras" (and no shame if you want to gift them either!) but housing, food, and education are basics.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are broke. I know plenty of wildly successful fully grown adults who are getting money from rich parents. My view is that independence is overrated. They’re just as hardworking and successful as me, but with better vacations.

I agree with you but I don't think Independence is overrated.

I think the meaning of independence is subjective.

Nah. You’re not really independent if you have generational wealth or intergenerational gifts. It’s great for you, and enjoy it, but own it.

Meh. You're not really independent if your parents paid for college and you graduated debt free.


Meh. You're not really independent if your parents paid for an expensive k-12 .


Meh. You're not really independent if your parents moved you to the best school district, in a safe neighborhood, always had healthy food on the table, loved you and supported your mental, physical and emotional growth.

+1

Most people with generational wealth are independent. They can support themselves, it just might be at a level slightly lower than what they get with the family money.

Our oldest graduated college, started work 2 weeks later, we helped set up the apartment (IKEA furniture that we spent 2 days assembling ourselves), paid the deposit and first months rent (they hadn't started their job yet), gifted them the basic car they'd been driving since 16, paid the first year auto insurance and they are functioning on their own. They pay their bills with their salary. They save in their IRA and 401K. They have a budget to be able to do all of this. They are saving any extra money and have learned to cut back their entertainment (visiting bars with friends) to save more. They are an adult, living within their means. Nobody at their work would have any clue that they come from money.

Now, we are rich so we choose to pay for vacations that they come on with us and trips to "home" (they are 3K away so it's a plane ride each time), we also gift them the amount for IRA and 401k as a "match", but the fact is they would still do that contribution and can afford it even if we don't because they want live within their own means.
They are living in a decent, modern apartment, but definately not the nicest (they could have easily spent $500--600 more for a much nicer place with a pool and all the amenities)---because it's not needed and it would be a stretch on their budget that includes retirement savings. They are an adult and do NOT need assistance from their parents. In fact, they want to do it "on their own".

Sure, they know that when they want to settle down and purchase a home/condo/townhouse, we will likely help them. But they are already saving towards this goal at 24.

The other poster(s) are either trolls or just green with envy.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I know lots of my friend's wealthier parents helped them constantly until the parents died.

And why wouldn't you if you had the funds? We are UHNW. We will help our kids as long as they are working hard/contributing to society (ie....they need a 40 hour/week job and be working hard to better themselves---not an issue one has graduated college already and gainfully employed, other is in college doing well). But why wouldn't we help them fully fund their IRA/401k? and pay for family vacations (they are both single)

They know any future grandkids will have fully funded 529s, and we will help with house downpayment when they are ready to settle into a specific area.

So yes, that's helping, but only for extras. They still live "within their means" for everything else, meaning they can afford the basics in life.
I would much rather see my kids/their future spouse and grandkids enjoy the money while I"m alive, than have them wait until they are 50-60+ and inherit it. And if they truly wanted to go into a field with low pay, but a field that truly helps/contributes to society, they know we would help support them in order to do so. Just seems silly to make them wait until we die to enjoy the $$.

I think it's really sweet of you to offer your kids this much financial support (I would love it if my parents were in a position to do as much not going to lie). But please stop saying that paying a big chunk toward their housing and kids' college funds is an "extra." Housing and education are two of the most basic, expensive things people have to budget for. They're not "extra." Vacations, expensive clothes, private school could be counted as "extras" (and no shame if you want to gift them either!) but housing, food, and education are basics.

Obviously housing food and education are basics. But the "big chunk towards housing" will be to give them better housing. They will still be able to afford to live very nicely at Upper middle class lifestyle with their own income, without any assistance from us---because they dont' expect to get this stuff. They worked hard in college and are thriving at their first job. They are 24 making $85K in a MCOL/LCOL area. On their own, they will be able to own a condo/townhome by the time they are 26 with a 20% downpayment from their own savings--they already have the 20% saved, even if you discount any of our assistance (beyond the getting your apartment set up when you graduate college). Assuming they marry someone who makes at least $50K, they will be able to provide well for a family on their own. And yes, private schools are "extras". I attended public schools, often not in the best areas---I grew up poor. Yet, somehow I turned out fine and very successful. And their kids would be able to attend college, my kid would be able to save for that on their own, it just might be State U rather than T10.

So yes, they are privileged, but they are still working hard to provide well for themselves and future family (if that happens). Yes, they will live nicer because they don't have to stress about how to pay for college, but they will be making an income that would allow them to save if needed. And they live rather modestly already.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are broke. I know plenty of wildly successful fully grown adults who are getting money from rich parents. My view is that independence is overrated. They’re just as hardworking and successful as me, but with better vacations.

I agree with you but I don't think Independence is overrated.

I think the meaning of independence is subjective.

Nah. You’re not really independent if you have generational wealth or intergenerational gifts. It’s great for you, and enjoy it, but own it.

Meh. You're not really independent if your parents paid for college and you graduated debt free.


Meh. You're not really independent if your parents paid for an expensive k-12 .


Meh. You're not really independent if your parents moved you to the best school district, in a safe neighborhood, always had healthy food on the table, loved you and supported your mental, physical and emotional growth.

+1

Most people with generational wealth are independent. They can support themselves, it just might be at a level slightly lower than what they get with the family money.

Our oldest graduated college, started work 2 weeks later, we helped set up the apartment (IKEA furniture that we spent 2 days assembling ourselves), paid the deposit and first months rent (they hadn't started their job yet), gifted them the basic car they'd been driving since 16, paid the first year auto insurance and they are functioning on their own. They pay their bills with their salary. They save in their IRA and 401K. They have a budget to be able to do all of this. They are saving any extra money and have learned to cut back their entertainment (visiting bars with friends) to save more. They are an adult, living within their means. Nobody at their work would have any clue that they come from money.

Now, we are rich so we choose to pay for vacations that they come on with us and trips to "home" (they are 3K away so it's a plane ride each time), we also gift them the amount for IRA and 401k as a "match", but the fact is they would still do that contribution and can afford it even if we don't because they want live within their own means.
They are living in a decent, modern apartment, but definately not the nicest (they could have easily spent $500--600 more for a much nicer place with a pool and all the amenities)---because it's not needed and it would be a stretch on their budget that includes retirement savings. They are an adult and do NOT need assistance from their parents. In fact, they want to do it "on their own".

Sure, they know that when they want to settle down and purchase a home/condo/townhouse, we will likely help them. But they are already saving towards this goal at 24.

The other poster(s) are either trolls or just green with envy.

The fact that you were able to do the bold - both the time and money to do so - is a privilege so so many do not have.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are broke. I know plenty of wildly successful fully grown adults who are getting money from rich parents. My view is that independence is overrated. They’re just as hardworking and successful as me, but with better vacations.

I agree with you but I don't think Independence is overrated.

I think the meaning of independence is subjective.

Nah. You’re not really independent if you have generational wealth or intergenerational gifts. It’s great for you, and enjoy it, but own it.

Meh. You're not really independent if your parents paid for college and you graduated debt free.


Meh. You're not really independent if your parents paid for an expensive k-12 .


Meh. You're not really independent if your parents moved you to the best school district, in a safe neighborhood, always had healthy food on the table, loved you and supported your mental, physical and emotional growth.

+1

Most people with generational wealth are independent. They can support themselves, it just might be at a level slightly lower than what they get with the family money.

Our oldest graduated college, started work 2 weeks later, we helped set up the apartment (IKEA furniture that we spent 2 days assembling ourselves), paid the deposit and first months rent (they hadn't started their job yet), gifted them the basic car they'd been driving since 16, paid the first year auto insurance and they are functioning on their own. They pay their bills with their salary. They save in their IRA and 401K. They have a budget to be able to do all of this. They are saving any extra money and have learned to cut back their entertainment (visiting bars with friends) to save more. They are an adult, living within their means. Nobody at their work would have any clue that they come from money.

Now, we are rich so we choose to pay for vacations that they come on with us and trips to "home" (they are 3K away so it's a plane ride each time), we also gift them the amount for IRA and 401k as a "match", but the fact is they would still do that contribution and can afford it even if we don't because they want live within their own means.
They are living in a decent, modern apartment, but definately not the nicest (they could have easily spent $500--600 more for a much nicer place with a pool and all the amenities)---because it's not needed and it would be a stretch on their budget that includes retirement savings. They are an adult and do NOT need assistance from their parents. In fact, they want to do it "on their own".

Sure, they know that when they want to settle down and purchase a home/condo/townhouse, we will likely help them. But they are already saving towards this goal at 24.

The other poster(s) are either trolls or just green with envy.

The fact that you were able to do the bold - both the time and money to do so - is a privilege so so many do not have.

obviously, we recognize that and our kids do as well. They have not grown up "Spoiled" or entitled. They recognize their privilege.

We started from nothing---both came from poor families. Worked out asses off to go to college, lived like poor college students to pay off $80k in student loans (lived on 1 salary for 2.5 years, yes we are engineers, so we had a decent salary once we got out of our masters), and then started saving to buy first home with 10% down. Bought a home we could easily afford, rather than what the banks said we could---would we have liked nicer, sure, but we knew it was better to buy what we could easily afford on only a SINGLE salary so we could keep saving. Drove our first "basic cars" for 8-10 years, saving so we could pay cash for all future cars. We made decent money and we worked hard to advance our careers and save at the same time.

We have taught our kids the same---they know they have to work hard and they do. Yes, they are very privileged. They know that and work hard as well as give back to their communities.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are broke. I know plenty of wildly successful fully grown adults who are getting money from rich parents. My view is that independence is overrated. They’re just as hardworking and successful as me, but with better vacations.

I agree with you but I don't think Independence is overrated.

I think the meaning of independence is subjective.

Nah. You’re not really independent if you have generational wealth or intergenerational gifts. It’s great for you, and enjoy it, but own it.

Meh. You're not really independent if your parents paid for college and you graduated debt free.


Meh. You're not really independent if your parents paid for an expensive k-12 .


Meh. You're not really independent if your parents moved you to the best school district, in a safe neighborhood, always had healthy food on the table, loved you and supported your mental, physical and emotional growth.

+1

Most people with generational wealth are independent. They can support themselves, it just might be at a level slightly lower than what they get with the family money.

Our oldest graduated college, started work 2 weeks later, we helped set up the apartment (IKEA furniture that we spent 2 days assembling ourselves), paid the deposit and first months rent (they hadn't started their job yet), gifted them the basic car they'd been driving since 16, paid the first year auto insurance and they are functioning on their own. They pay their bills with their salary. They save in their IRA and 401K. They have a budget to be able to do all of this. They are saving any extra money and have learned to cut back their entertainment (visiting bars with friends) to save more. They are an adult, living within their means. Nobody at their work would have any clue that they come from money.

Now, we are rich so we choose to pay for vacations that they come on with us and trips to "home" (they are 3K away so it's a plane ride each time), we also gift them the amount for IRA and 401k as a "match", but the fact is they would still do that contribution and can afford it even if we don't because they want live within their own means.
They are living in a decent, modern apartment, but definately not the nicest (they could have easily spent $500--600 more for a much nicer place with a pool and all the amenities)---because it's not needed and it would be a stretch on their budget that includes retirement savings. They are an adult and do NOT need assistance from their parents. In fact, they want to do it "on their own".

Sure, they know that when they want to settle down and purchase a home/condo/townhouse, we will likely help them. But they are already saving towards this goal at 24.

The other poster(s) are either trolls or just green with envy.

The fact that you were able to do the bold - both the time and money to do so - is a privilege so so many do not have.

obviously, we recognize that and our kids do as well. They have not grown up "Spoiled" or entitled. They recognize their privilege.

We started from nothing---both came from poor families. Worked out asses off to go to college, lived like poor college students to pay off $80k in student loans (lived on 1 salary for 2.5 years, yes we are engineers, so we had a decent salary once we got out of our masters), and then started saving to buy first home with 10% down. Bought a home we could easily afford, rather than what the banks said we could---would we have liked nicer, sure, but we knew it was better to buy what we could easily afford on only a SINGLE salary so we could keep saving. Drove our first "basic cars" for 8-10 years, saving so we could pay cash for all future cars. We made decent money and we worked hard to advance our careers and save at the same time.

We have taught our kids the same---they know they have to work hard and they do. Yes, they are very privileged. They know that and work hard as well as give back to their communities.

I'm the PP of that post and grew up the same, though I had no one but myself to pay off the loans. Eventually married DH, who did not have loans, but always good about living well below his income. We still live way below even though our assets and annual HHI probably put us in the top 1-3%.

Our kids are also very privileged, work hard, give back, etc but I am under no illusion that they fully understand their privilege in the way that I do. I just don't see how they can. I do appreciate that they appear pretty mindful that they are full pay college students and know that some of their friends receive substantial financial aid. They also realized this in HS, but seems even greater now in college than it was then.

Still thinking our kids are going to have to figure out their housing, including furnishings, after college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are broke. I know plenty of wildly successful fully grown adults who are getting money from rich parents. My view is that independence is overrated. They’re just as hardworking and successful as me, but with better vacations.

I agree with you but I don't think Independence is overrated.

I think the meaning of independence is subjective.

Nah. You’re not really independent if you have generational wealth or intergenerational gifts. It’s great for you, and enjoy it, but own it.

Meh. You're not really independent if your parents paid for college and you graduated debt free.


Meh. You're not really independent if your parents paid for an expensive k-12 .


Meh. You're not really independent if your parents moved you to the best school district, in a safe neighborhood, always had healthy food on the table, loved you and supported your mental, physical and emotional growth.

+1

Most people with generational wealth are independent. They can support themselves, it just might be at a level slightly lower than what they get with the family money.

Our oldest graduated college, started work 2 weeks later, we helped set up the apartment (IKEA furniture that we spent 2 days assembling ourselves), paid the deposit and first months rent (they hadn't started their job yet), gifted them the basic car they'd been driving since 16, paid the first year auto insurance and they are functioning on their own. They pay their bills with their salary. They save in their IRA and 401K. They have a budget to be able to do all of this. They are saving any extra money and have learned to cut back their entertainment (visiting bars with friends) to save more. They are an adult, living within their means. Nobody at their work would have any clue that they come from money.

Now, we are rich so we choose to pay for vacations that they come on with us and trips to "home" (they are 3K away so it's a plane ride each time), we also gift them the amount for IRA and 401k as a "match", but the fact is they would still do that contribution and can afford it even if we don't because they want live within their own means.
They are living in a decent, modern apartment, but definately not the nicest (they could have easily spent $500--600 more for a much nicer place with a pool and all the amenities)---because it's not needed and it would be a stretch on their budget that includes retirement savings. They are an adult and do NOT need assistance from their parents. In fact, they want to do it "on their own".

Sure, they know that when they want to settle down and purchase a home/condo/townhouse, we will likely help them. But they are already saving towards this goal at 24.

The other poster(s) are either trolls or just green with envy.

The fact that you were able to do the bold - both the time and money to do so - is a privilege so so many do not have.

obviously, we recognize that and our kids do as well. They have not grown up "Spoiled" or entitled. They recognize their privilege.

We started from nothing---both came from poor families. Worked out asses off to go to college, lived like poor college students to pay off $80k in student loans (lived on 1 salary for 2.5 years, yes we are engineers, so we had a decent salary once we got out of our masters), and then started saving to buy first home with 10% down. Bought a home we could easily afford, rather than what the banks said we could---would we have liked nicer, sure, but we knew it was better to buy what we could easily afford on only a SINGLE salary so we could keep saving. Drove our first "basic cars" for 8-10 years, saving so we could pay cash for all future cars. We made decent money and we worked hard to advance our careers and save at the same time.

We have taught our kids the same---they know they have to work hard and they do. Yes, they are very privileged. They know that and work hard as well as give back to their communities.

I'm the PP of that post and grew up the same, though I had no one but myself to pay off the loans. Eventually married DH, who did not have loans, but always good about living well below his income. We still live way below even though our assets and annual HHI probably put us in the top 1-3%.

Our kids are also very privileged, work hard, give back, etc but I am under no illusion that they fully understand their privilege in the way that I do. I just don't see how they can. I do appreciate that they appear pretty mindful that they are full pay college students and know that some of their friends receive substantial financial aid. They also realized this in HS, but seems even greater now in college than it was then.

Still thinking our kids are going to have to figure out their housing, including furnishings, after college.

I agree that our kids will never fully understand their privilege like we do (those of us who grew up with much less).


How much you help your kids out is obviously up to you. But we don't see a need to let our kid(s) struggle when initially starting out. And without a full time job previously, how does one easily come up with deposit, first month rent and furnish an apartment? Obviously most kids struggle to do that. Sure that might build a bit of character. I could have let them move in on their own, figure it all out (the logistics and the finances) but I'd prefer my kid have a bed a couch, a tv, pots and pans, and basic kitchen supplies to start out with. Pretty sure assisting with that (if you can afford it) is not going to stunt your kid for the future or lessen their character. After that, they have been managing on their own and consulting with me as they formulate a budget and learn about real choices (can I afford to do X this month if I also want to do Y)
It brings us joy to help as requested, especially when they are making good choices and could do it all on their own.
We'd prefer they not be living on an air-mattress as their bed and couch for the first 2-3 months or putting stuff on CC and figuring out how to pay for it. They also needed some new clothes for work---sports shorts, sweatpants and t shirts is a bit too casual.
IMO, this is what we save for---can't take it all with us when we die. So why not distribute it smartly while we get to see it bring joy to those we love and to charities we treasure as well

[Anonymous]

"Shirtsleeves to shirtsleeves in three generations."

There is a reason this is a legendary cross-cultural warning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I live in a close in Montgomery County suburb and it seems pretty clear that several of my neighbors are still being supported financially by their parents. These are people in their 40s who have multiple children. I feel like if you haven't figured out how to be financially independent by the time you are in your 40s, it is very unlikely you ever will. Is being supported financially forever part of these people's life plan?

If you support your children financially when they are middle age, do you feel good about it? It seems like parents in this situation must have to worry not only about whether their retirement savings will be enough to support themselves until they are 100, but if their savings are enough to support their children until they are 100!

I guess I'm just jealous and bitter!

In my younger days, I would've been jealous too but when you experience life you learn not to be jealous of anyone as you know that life is fairly unfair to all. However, if their parents have extra money, they'll leave it for them anyways so why not help while still alive to see the benefits.

+1 I did not get anything from mine (who died years ago). Dh’s mom is very comfortable and provides a lot of support to his sister who does not earn a lot. It used to bother him but we may end up doing the same for our kids so I think it has given him some perspective. His mom has not given us the same level of support - but at the same time we (i) fortunately did not need it and (ii) have not been subject to the same level of control as his sister. She did contribute to 529’s for our kids which are currently being utilized and are much appreciated.

I hope that later we can assist our kids if they need it. We are already funding Roth IRA’s to the extent they have earned income and other things to help get them ahead. Things both of our parents never would have thought of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What does financial support mean to you? My parents are wealthy and pay for family vacations and my kid's private school tuition. DH and I have good jobs and pay our bills and save appropriately. I wouldn't say my parents support us although we would make some different decisions if they didn't help with those things.

No they definitely support you.