How many parents still financially support their middle age adult children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are broke. I know plenty of wildly successful fully grown adults who are getting money from rich parents. My view is that independence is overrated. They’re just as hardworking and successful as me, but with better vacations.

I agree with you but I don't think Independence is overrated.

I think the meaning of independence is subjective.

Nah. You’re not really independent if you have generational wealth or intergenerational gifts. It’s great for you, and enjoy it, but own it.

Meh. You're not really independent if your parents paid for college and you graduated debt free.


Meh. You're not really independent if your parents paid for an expensive k-12 .


Meh. You're not really independent if your parents moved you to the best school district, in a safe neighborhood, always had healthy food on the table, loved you and supported your mental, physical and emotional growth.

+1

Most people with generational wealth are independent. They can support themselves, it just might be at a level slightly lower than what they get with the family money.

Our oldest graduated college, started work 2 weeks later, we helped set up the apartment (IKEA furniture that we spent 2 days assembling ourselves), paid the deposit and first months rent (they hadn't started their job yet), gifted them the basic car they'd been driving since 16, paid the first year auto insurance and they are functioning on their own. They pay their bills with their salary. They save in their IRA and 401K. They have a budget to be able to do all of this. They are saving any extra money and have learned to cut back their entertainment (visiting bars with friends) to save more. They are an adult, living within their means. Nobody at their work would have any clue that they come from money.

Now, we are rich so we choose to pay for vacations that they come on with us and trips to "home" (they are 3K away so it's a plane ride each time), we also gift them the amount for IRA and 401k as a "match", but the fact is they would still do that contribution and can afford it even if we don't because they want live within their own means.
They are living in a decent, modern apartment, but definately not the nicest (they could have easily spent $500--600 more for a much nicer place with a pool and all the amenities)---because it's not needed and it would be a stretch on their budget that includes retirement savings. They are an adult and do NOT need assistance from their parents. In fact, they want to do it "on their own".

Sure, they know that when they want to settle down and purchase a home/condo/townhouse, we will likely help them. But they are already saving towards this goal at 24.

The other poster(s) are either trolls or just green with envy.

The fact that you were able to do the bold - both the time and money to do so - is a privilege so so many do not have.

It’s also kind of crappy they did that IMO. I so enjoyed feeling like a adult graduating college, paying my security deposit and first and last month’s rent (with the money I earned from college internships and jobs) on my first apartment, buying Walmart furniture and setting it up with roommates. Having my parents do all that for me would have felt so infantilizing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are broke. I know plenty of wildly successful fully grown adults who are getting money from rich parents. My view is that independence is overrated. They’re just as hardworking and successful as me, but with better vacations.

I agree with you but I don't think Independence is overrated.

I think the meaning of independence is subjective.

Nah. You’re not really independent if you have generational wealth or intergenerational gifts. It’s great for you, and enjoy it, but own it.

Meh. You're not really independent if your parents paid for college and you graduated debt free.


Meh. You're not really independent if your parents paid for an expensive k-12 .


Meh. You're not really independent if your parents moved you to the best school district, in a safe neighborhood, always had healthy food on the table, loved you and supported your mental, physical and emotional growth.

Dumb argument but not unexpected from a beneficiary of wealth.

Next you’re going to say, you’re not really independent if your mother didn’t drink during pregnancy and you weren’t born with FAS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are broke. I know plenty of wildly successful fully grown adults who are getting money from rich parents. My view is that independence is overrated. They’re just as hardworking and successful as me, but with better vacations.

I agree with you but I don't think Independence is overrated.

I think the meaning of independence is subjective.

Nah. You’re not really independent if you have generational wealth or intergenerational gifts. It’s great for you, and enjoy it, but own it.

Meh. You're not really independent if your parents paid for college and you graduated debt free.


Meh. You're not really independent if your parents paid for an expensive k-12 .


Meh. You're not really independent if your parents moved you to the best school district, in a safe neighborhood, always had healthy food on the table, loved you and supported your mental, physical and emotional growth.

+1

Most people with generational wealth are independent. They can support themselves, it just might be at a level slightly lower than what they get with the family money.

Our oldest graduated college, started work 2 weeks later, we helped set up the apartment (IKEA furniture that we spent 2 days assembling ourselves), paid the deposit and first months rent (they hadn't started their job yet), gifted them the basic car they'd been driving since 16, paid the first year auto insurance and they are functioning on their own. They pay their bills with their salary. They save in their IRA and 401K. They have a budget to be able to do all of this. They are saving any extra money and have learned to cut back their entertainment (visiting bars with friends) to save more. They are an adult, living within their means. Nobody at their work would have any clue that they come from money.

Now, we are rich so we choose to pay for vacations that they come on with us and trips to "home" (they are 3K away so it's a plane ride each time), we also gift them the amount for IRA and 401k as a "match", but the fact is they would still do that contribution and can afford it even if we don't because they want live within their own means.
They are living in a decent, modern apartment, but definately not the nicest (they could have easily spent $500--600 more for a much nicer place with a pool and all the amenities)---because it's not needed and it would be a stretch on their budget that includes retirement savings. They are an adult and do NOT need assistance from their parents. In fact, they want to do it "on their own".

Sure, they know that when they want to settle down and purchase a home/condo/townhouse, we will likely help them. But they are already saving towards this goal at 24.

The other poster(s) are either trolls or just green with envy.

The fact that you were able to do the bold - both the time and money to do so - is a privilege so so many do not have.

It’s also kind of crappy they did that IMO. I so enjoyed feeling like a adult graduating college, paying my security deposit and first and last month’s rent (with the money I earned from college internships and jobs) on my first apartment, buying Walmart furniture and setting it up with roommates. Having my parents do all that for me would have felt so infantilizing!

Strange that you would feel infantilized by having your parents/family help you move to a new town and start your adult career. I'm 30+ years out of college and still enjoy doing things with my parents.

Appears you launched yourself in a city where you already knew people. My kid was in a town where they knew nobody and was 3K miles from home, excited to start their new job and life out of college. They knew that future trips would be them visiting us at "home" so they can also see their siblings and extended family. So yeah, I'm proud that my kid wanted me along to help them setup their first apartment and get them settled. Just because my kid turned 22 and graduated college does not mean they are no longer my kid and no longer someone I want to have in my life. Moved them in, and haven't been back to their new town since---we see our kid when they come home for long weekends or at the holidays or we meet them somewhere on a trip

My kid already learned how to do stuff independently in college, as due to covid they moved themselves into their rental house/apartment which was not furnished and acquired furniture/mattress/kitchen supplies themselves junior year, all without having a vehicle either. So they got the experience you "wish they had" a few years earlier.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have friends whose parents pay for kids tuition, college funds, fronted house down payment, etc. I'm incredibly jealous because I feel like these types of people must have no worries in life. That may not be entirely true but, man, when you have no financial worries what else is there??

A friend told me that she would rather share her wealth with children while she was living rather than have them count the days until her death. The idea being it'd be better (and more financially advantageous) to spend together.

I totally understand that. Wish it were me!

So true! At least she doesn't feel entitled to someone else's money, like an IL that she hates.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are broke. I know plenty of wildly successful fully grown adults who are getting money from rich parents. My view is that independence is overrated. They’re just as hardworking and successful as me, but with better vacations.

I agree with you but I don't think Independence is overrated.

I think the meaning of independence is subjective.

Nah. You’re not really independent if you have generational wealth or intergenerational gifts. It’s great for you, and enjoy it, but own it.

Meh. You're not really independent if your parents paid for college and you graduated debt free.


Meh. You're not really independent if your parents paid for an expensive k-12 .


Meh. You're not really independent if your parents moved you to the best school district, in a safe neighborhood, always had healthy food on the table, loved you and supported your mental, physical and emotional growth.

+1

Most people with generational wealth are independent. They can support themselves, it just might be at a level slightly lower than what they get with the family money.

Our oldest graduated college, started work 2 weeks later, we helped set up the apartment (IKEA furniture that we spent 2 days assembling ourselves), paid the deposit and first months rent (they hadn't started their job yet), gifted them the basic car they'd been driving since 16, paid the first year auto insurance and they are functioning on their own. They pay their bills with their salary. They save in their IRA and 401K. They have a budget to be able to do all of this. They are saving any extra money and have learned to cut back their entertainment (visiting bars with friends) to save more. They are an adult, living within their means. Nobody at their work would have any clue that they come from money.

Now, we are rich so we choose to pay for vacations that they come on with us and trips to "home" (they are 3K away so it's a plane ride each time), we also gift them the amount for IRA and 401k as a "match", but the fact is they would still do that contribution and can afford it even if we don't because they want live within their own means.
They are living in a decent, modern apartment, but definately not the nicest (they could have easily spent $500--600 more for a much nicer place with a pool and all the amenities)---because it's not needed and it would be a stretch on their budget that includes retirement savings. They are an adult and do NOT need assistance from their parents. In fact, they want to do it "on their own".

Sure, they know that when they want to settle down and purchase a home/condo/townhouse, we will likely help them. But they are already saving towards this goal at 24.

The other poster(s) are either trolls or just green with envy.

The fact that you were able to do the bold - both the time and money to do so - is a privilege so so many do not have.

It’s also kind of crappy they did that IMO. I so enjoyed feeling like a adult graduating college, paying my security deposit and first and last month’s rent (with the money I earned from college internships and jobs) on my first apartment, buying Walmart furniture and setting it up with roommates. Having my parents do all that for me would have felt so infantilizing!

Strange that you would feel infantilized by having your parents/family help you move to a new town and start your adult career. I'm 30+ years out of college and still enjoy doing things with my parents.

Appears you launched yourself in a city where you already knew people. My kid was in a town where they knew nobody and was 3K miles from home, excited to start their new job and life out of college. They knew that future trips would be them visiting us at "home" so they can also see their siblings and extended family. So yeah, I'm proud that my kid wanted me along to help them setup their first apartment and get them settled. Just because my kid turned 22 and graduated college does not mean they are no longer my kid and no longer someone I want to have in my life. Moved them in, and haven't been back to their new town since---we see our kid when they come home for long weekends or at the holidays or we meet them somewhere on a trip

My kid already learned how to do stuff independently in college, as due to covid they moved themselves into their rental house/apartment which was not furnished and acquired furniture/mattress/kitchen supplies themselves junior year, all without having a vehicle either. So they got the experience you "wish they had" a few years earlier.

Can't help but say that there is a certain smugness in your posts, not realizing that you describe a lot of scaffolding.

TBH, I may very well Ikea-out my kid's rental if we were going to spend some time together before they launch off into adulthood. If they continue on their current path, then probably yes. But perhaps not if I sensed a softness, dependence, and/or an unwillingness to grasp the more demanding aspects of adulthood.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have several friends who receive money from parents who choose to gift it during life rather than leave it until death. None of these friends need it for basic support but they spend it on themselves and their kids just as the parents intend. If I had money to leave my kids, I would certainly rather see them vacationing and doing fun things during my (and their) life than giving them a lump sum when I die.

I agree. This is why I do it.

OP, MYOB.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We do. Or did until recently. We had to cut back when I found out my DIL was going on 3 vacations a year and lied about it. Not to mention the shopping sprees, taking friends and her mother eat out every weekend. My sister does social media and asked me about some pictures my DIL posted on Facebook. To say I was shocked is an understatement. Not mad just disappointed at misappropriated money that was supposed to go to needs not wants. I guess she flaunted her good times thinking I wouldn't find out. Our son is more to blame than her. He knowingly took advantage of us. His new I found God did not play well with us. Don't live like the devil then say you are following the golden rule. FAKE FAKE FAKE. It hurt me more than it did my husband. I feel very used. If they had saved some of what we gave I probably wouldn't care but they saved none of the money.
Now we have to babysit them meaning I will order whatever you need, give egiftcards for food and gas. I can no longer trust them. Son and DIL know they did wrong. She recently got a second job. Good. Now she can play on her own dime.
Don't tell me you love me then do something like that. It was so wrong.

Gifts should not come with strings attached. I give what I want to my kids and it’s theirs to spend as they want. I do not care.

[Anonymous]

I prefer to give to kids when we are alive.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does financial support mean to you? My parents are wealthy and pay for family vacations and my kid's private school tuition. DH and I have good jobs and pay our bills and save appropriately. I wouldn't say my parents support us although we would make some different decisions if they didn't help with those things.

No they definitely support you.

+1

When you *don’t* have support like this, you see it clearly for what it is.

Direct financial support like this would be nice, but what I really crave is knowing that there’s some kind of safety net beyond me and DH. We’ve built our own through expensive life insurance, but the people I know with wealthy extended family are secure in a way that I’ll never be. Win some, lose some.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are broke. I know plenty of wildly successful fully grown adults who are getting money from rich parents. My view is that independence is overrated. They’re just as hardworking and successful as me, but with better vacations.

I agree with you but I don't think Independence is overrated.

I think the meaning of independence is subjective.

Nah. You’re not really independent if you have generational wealth or intergenerational gifts. It’s great for you, and enjoy it, but own it.

Meh. You're not really independent if your parents paid for college and you graduated debt free.


Meh. You're not really independent if your parents paid for an expensive k-12 .


Meh. You're not really independent if your parents moved you to the best school district, in a safe neighborhood, always had healthy food on the table, loved you and supported your mental, physical and emotional growth.

+1

Most people with generational wealth are independent. They can support themselves, it just might be at a level slightly lower than what they get with the family money.

Our oldest graduated college, started work 2 weeks later, we helped set up the apartment (IKEA furniture that we spent 2 days assembling ourselves), paid the deposit and first months rent (they hadn't started their job yet), gifted them the basic car they'd been driving since 16, paid the first year auto insurance and they are functioning on their own. They pay their bills with their salary. They save in their IRA and 401K. They have a budget to be able to do all of this. They are saving any extra money and have learned to cut back their entertainment (visiting bars with friends) to save more. They are an adult, living within their means. Nobody at their work would have any clue that they come from money.

Now, we are rich so we choose to pay for vacations that they come on with us and trips to "home" (they are 3K away so it's a plane ride each time), we also gift them the amount for IRA and 401k as a "match", but the fact is they would still do that contribution and can afford it even if we don't because they want live within their own means.
They are living in a decent, modern apartment, but definately not the nicest (they could have easily spent $500--600 more for a much nicer place with a pool and all the amenities)---because it's not needed and it would be a stretch on their budget that includes retirement savings. They are an adult and do NOT need assistance from their parents. In fact, they want to do it "on their own".

Sure, they know that when they want to settle down and purchase a home/condo/townhouse, we will likely help them. But they are already saving towards this goal at 24.

The other poster(s) are either trolls or just green with envy.

The fact that you were able to do the bold - both the time and money to do so - is a privilege so so many do not have.

It’s also kind of crappy they did that IMO. I so enjoyed feeling like a adult graduating college, paying my security deposit and first and last month’s rent (with the money I earned from college internships and jobs) on my first apartment, buying Walmart furniture and setting it up with roommates. Having my parents do all that for me would have felt so infantilizing!

Strange that you would feel infantilized by having your parents/family help you move to a new town and start your adult career. I'm 30+ years out of college and still enjoy doing things with my parents.

Appears you launched yourself in a city where you already knew people. My kid was in a town where they knew nobody and was 3K miles from home, excited to start their new job and life out of college. They knew that future trips would be them visiting us at "home" so they can also see their siblings and extended family. So yeah, I'm proud that my kid wanted me along to help them setup their first apartment and get them settled. Just because my kid turned 22 and graduated college does not mean they are no longer my kid and no longer someone I want to have in my life. Moved them in, and haven't been back to their new town since---we see our kid when they come home for long weekends or at the holidays or we meet them somewhere on a trip

My kid already learned how to do stuff independently in college, as due to covid they moved themselves into their rental house/apartment which was not furnished and acquired furniture/mattress/kitchen supplies themselves junior year, all without having a vehicle either. So they got the experience you "wish they had" a few years earlier.

Can't help but say that there is a certain smugness in your posts, not realizing that you describe a lot of scaffolding.

TBH, I may very well Ikea-out my kid's rental if we were going to spend some time together before they launch off into adulthood. If they continue on their current path, then probably yes. But perhaps not if I sensed a softness, dependence, and/or an unwillingness to grasp the more demanding aspects of adulthood.

well that's a given to not provide too much assistance if it's taken for granted/kid shows signs of not progressing to adulthood. My kid is well on their way to adulting---they learned those skills while growing up and in HS. College reinforced them. Btw, every kid is different in their maturation process. My kid has anxiety, ADHD, virtually non-existent executive functioning, etc... so definately not 100% neurotypical. They are more mature and independent than 95% of people their age, and given their "issues",doing 1000x better than we ever expected----majority of people would have no clue they have these issues, because they have done the hard work to overcome/deal with these issues, with some guidance from parents along the way. They are a well adjusted young adult.

So if by "scaffolding" you mean I have provided the right set of assistance at each level of their progression in life, why yes I think I have. That's the goal of raising kids---to ultimately have a full fledged adult who contributes to society and is well adjusted on all levels. Our job as parents is to provide assistance along the way to help this happen---and adjust as needed for each kid's individual needs.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My parents are broke. I know plenty of wildly successful fully grown adults who are getting money from rich parents. My view is that independence is overrated. They’re just as hardworking and successful as me, but with better vacations.

I agree with you but I don't think Independence is overrated.

I think the meaning of independence is subjective.

Nah. You’re not really independent if you have generational wealth or intergenerational gifts. It’s great for you, and enjoy it, but own it.

Meh. You're not really independent if your parents paid for college and you graduated debt free.


Meh. You're not really independent if your parents paid for an expensive k-12 .


Meh. You're not really independent if your parents moved you to the best school district, in a safe neighborhood, always had healthy food on the table, loved you and supported your mental, physical and emotional growth.

+1

Most people with generational wealth are independent. They can support themselves, it just might be at a level slightly lower than what they get with the family money.

Our oldest graduated college, started work 2 weeks later, we helped set up the apartment (IKEA furniture that we spent 2 days assembling ourselves), paid the deposit and first months rent (they hadn't started their job yet), gifted them the basic car they'd been driving since 16, paid the first year auto insurance and they are functioning on their own. They pay their bills with their salary. They save in their IRA and 401K. They have a budget to be able to do all of this. They are saving any extra money and have learned to cut back their entertainment (visiting bars with friends) to save more. They are an adult, living within their means. Nobody at their work would have any clue that they come from money.

Now, we are rich so we choose to pay for vacations that they come on with us and trips to "home" (they are 3K away so it's a plane ride each time), we also gift them the amount for IRA and 401k as a "match", but the fact is they would still do that contribution and can afford it even if we don't because they want live within their own means.
They are living in a decent, modern apartment, but definately not the nicest (they could have easily spent $500--600 more for a much nicer place with a pool and all the amenities)---because it's not needed and it would be a stretch on their budget that includes retirement savings. They are an adult and do NOT need assistance from their parents. In fact, they want to do it "on their own".

Sure, they know that when they want to settle down and purchase a home/condo/townhouse, we will likely help them. But they are already saving towards this goal at 24.

The other poster(s) are either trolls or just green with envy.

The fact that you were able to do the bold - both the time and money to do so - is a privilege so so many do not have.

It’s also kind of crappy they did that IMO. I so enjoyed feeling like a adult graduating college, paying my security deposit and first and last month’s rent (with the money I earned from college internships and jobs) on my first apartment, buying Walmart furniture and setting it up with roommates. Having my parents do all that for me would have felt so infantilizing!

Strange that you would feel infantilized by having your parents/family help you move to a new town and start your adult career. I'm 30+ years out of college and still enjoy doing things with my parents.

Appears you launched yourself in a city where you already knew people. My kid was in a town where they knew nobody and was 3K miles from home, excited to start their new job and life out of college. They knew that future trips would be them visiting us at "home" so they can also see their siblings and extended family. So yeah, I'm proud that my kid wanted me along to help them setup their first apartment and get them settled. Just because my kid turned 22 and graduated college does not mean they are no longer my kid and no longer someone I want to have in my life. Moved them in, and haven't been back to their new town since---we see our kid when they come home for long weekends or at the holidays or we meet them somewhere on a trip

My kid already learned how to do stuff independently in college, as due to covid they moved themselves into their rental house/apartment which was not furnished and acquired furniture/mattress/kitchen supplies themselves junior year, all without having a vehicle either. So they got the experience you "wish they had" a few years earlier.

Can't help but say that there is a certain smugness in your posts, not realizing that you describe a lot of scaffolding.

TBH, I may very well Ikea-out my kid's rental if we were going to spend some time together before they launch off into adulthood. If they continue on their current path, then probably yes. But perhaps not if I sensed a softness, dependence, and/or an unwillingness to grasp the more demanding aspects of adulthood.

well that's a given to not provide too much assistance if it's taken for granted/kid shows signs of not progressing to adulthood. My kid is well on their way to adulting---they learned those skills while growing up and in HS. College reinforced them. Btw, every kid is different in their maturation process. My kid has anxiety, ADHD, virtually non-existent executive functioning, etc... so definately not 100% neurotypical. They are more mature and independent than 95% of people their age, and given their "issues",doing 1000x better than we ever expected----majority of people would have no clue they have these issues, because they have done the hard work to overcome/deal with these issues, with some guidance from parents along the way. They are a well adjusted young adult.

So if by "scaffolding" you mean I have provided the right set of assistance at each level of their progression in life, why yes I think I have. That's the goal of raising kids---to ultimately have a full fledged adult who contributes to society and is well adjusted on all levels. Our job as parents is to provide assistance along the way to help this happen---and adjust as needed for each kid's individual needs.

You seem insufferable. Maybe it's just the topic, but you come across that way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does financial support mean to you? My parents are wealthy and pay for family vacations and my kid's private school tuition. DH and I have good jobs and pay our bills and save appropriately. I wouldn't say my parents support us although we would make some different decisions if they didn't help with those things.

No they definitely support you.

+1

When you *don’t* have support like this, you see it clearly for what it is.

Direct financial support like this would be nice, but what I really crave is knowing that there’s some kind of safety net beyond me and DH. We’ve built our own through expensive life insurance, but the people I know with wealthy extended family are secure in a way that I’ll never be. Win some, lose some.

PP, you make so much sense. I grew up working class and could never gamble on a job, follow my dreams, etc, because I was my only source of support. Yes, if I had asked my parents for $300, they would have scrounged it together. But they could have never subsidized my rent, etc. month over month while I "found myself."

We are fortunate that we have earned enough money to be financially secure for our remaining days and ideally leave our kids in some semblance of those circumstances (though they will need to earn an income - the money is not endless).

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:What does financial support mean to you? My parents are wealthy and pay for family vacations and my kid's private school tuition. DH and I have good jobs and pay our bills and save appropriately. I wouldn't say my parents support us although we would make some different decisions if they didn't help with those things.

No they definitely support you.

+1

When you *don’t* have support like this, you see it clearly for what it is.

Direct financial support like this would be nice, but what I really crave is knowing that there’s some kind of safety net beyond me and DH. We’ve built our own through expensive life insurance, but the people I know with wealthy extended family are secure in a way that I’ll never be. Win some, lose some.

PP, you make so much sense. I grew up working class and could never gamble on a job, follow my dreams, etc, because I was my only source of support. Yes, if I had asked my parents for $300, they would have scrounged it together. But they could have never subsidized my rent, etc. month over month while I "found myself."

We are fortunate that we have earned enough money to be financially secure for our remaining days and ideally leave our kids in some semblance of those circumstances (though they will need to earn an income - the money is not endless).

Thanks, PP - glad to know I’m not the only one who feels this way.

Massive props to both of us for building these stable lives, of course, but man… It literally never occurred to me to NOT fully support myself, you know? That was never an option.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We have several friends who receive money from parents who choose to gift it during life rather than leave it until death. None of these friends need it for basic support but they spend it on themselves and their kids just as the parents intend. If I had money to leave my kids, I would certainly rather see them vacationing and doing fun things during my (and their) life than giving them a lump sum when I die.

If my parents had given me money in my 40s, I would have spent it on charity, not on my family.

I think it's incredibly infantalizing for parents to continue to support their children in their 40s.

I have a very very rich friend who told her children from the get-go that they were always welcome to live with them, but that they need to make their own way in the world, and that after college, they were on their own.

The kids have turned out really well, unlike the trust-fund babies that end up having pretty worthless lives. They are independent and live within their means. They know their parents will support them if they are in a crisis, but they were raised to behave like adults and support themselves. One child asked her parents to pay for grad school, and the parents agreed because the child laid out a very good reason for wanting to go (to the #1 program in her field).

We've told our children the same thing: they are on their own after college unless they want to live with us. Two are living on their own and are successful (for a person in their 20s). The youngest two are in college, but they've heard the message loud and clear.

I have trust fund baby friends, and I feel kind of sorry for them because none has ever cut the apron strings, even long after their parents have died. They still live on mom and dad's money. They've never learned how to live within their means because they've never had to. One friend made very stupid financial decisions after he inherited a big pile of money from his dad because he had no idea how to budget his money, had never learned how to invest, how to take care of his finances. He just put his hand out, and his dad wrote a check. That's not how the real world works, and it's kind of pathetic.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Yep, my friend readily admits in-laws purchased their home, pay for kids private school tuition, take them on annual vacations abroad, pay for kids summer camps, plan to pay for kids college, give them weekly $ for dinners out, and even let them use their Netllix/Apple TV passwords, etc. My friend is a SAHM and husband is a fed. There is no way they could afford their lifestyle on their income alone. I think there are a lot of families in the DMV like this.

I would feel "owned" if my parents did this. No thanks.

The PP sounds like she never grew up.

Giving adult children for unnecessary things like weekly dinners out, vacations abroad, private school tuition, etc. is just sad.

My parents died when I was in my late 20s, so I inherited a lot of money way too young. It was not a good thing, but fortunately, I have a great older half-brother who advised me what to do with the money (put it away for retirement and forget it exists), which is what I did.

I think if I'd gone out and spent the money it would have felt dishonest. If I wanted to make money with my education, I had that choice, but I chose to enter a lower-paying field, and I'm happy with that choice. No, I don't live in a fancy house or vacation abroad, but I have a lifestyle that's appropriate to my income. And I keep my head up and feel proud of what I do and have and that I'm an independent adult.