How many parents still financially support their middle age adult children?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is common in MoCo. Lots of money.

By "supported," do you mean 80-100% support? Or do you mean paying for fancy vacations and private school?

We had some help paying for private school and then some expenses here and there that my parents offered to pay for. I never asked. They wanted to help. However, I also have a friend with a trust fund (never had to work but chose to) and a friend who has been under-employed and probably receives quite a bit from the parents. The ILs have put a lot of money into a 529. So we have had help, but we don't have a fancy house, live in a wonderful neighborhood or drive new cars.

The spectrum of support really doesn't matter nor does if you request it or not: aspects of your lifestyle have been supported by your parents. Just own it and stop rationalizing it.

What is there to own?!?!?! Do you really sit around with your friends discussing who is "making it on their own" vs "who has help from family"? How does it matter to you? Majority of people who have family who "can help them" recognize the privilege and aren't going around bragging about how well off they are. If those are your friends, perhaps you need to look really hard at who you are friends with.

I get no help from family---we are the ones helping them. We took parents with us on vacations when they were able to travel (we paid). I don't begrudge friends who have family who can help them. It's really not something we talk about, heck even my spouse and I don't discuss that.

NP here. I think some posters are saying that it is hard to respect a grown adult who needs so much help from their parents.

Why is it hard to respect them? Majority could live just fine without that "help" and would adjust their lifestyles accordingly. But if the parents have the money to "help" and want to help in whatever way, why do you loose respect for someone? It sounds more like a "you" problem and a jealously problem.


Most of those people wouldn't do private schools without the grandparent's helping, or they would have to live in a different area/home in order to afford private school. Most would have a budget and live within their means, and make choices not to have "so many things".
But why would they not accept help from the grandparents? We are wealthy, and if my kids and their partners desire to send their kids to private schools, we will certainly help out. Giving them that money when the family is young/kids are young will have a much greater impact than when the grandkids are 25. Yes, it's a privilege. My kids are quite capable of providing for themselves and their eventual families. But who would not want to give their kids/grandkids the best, especially for education and the neighborhood you live in---shorter commute means more expensive home but perhaps an extra hour with your family each day. My millions will do more while I"m alive than when my kids are 50-60 and GK are 20-30.

Ultimately, it seems like people complaining about lack of respect are just jealous.

Myself, I would personally wonder about a grown ass adult/grandparent who has millions who doesn't invest part of it in their own family (kids/grandkids)---can't imagine telling my kids to "pay for college themselves, mommy and daddy are going to Europe/australia/hawaii on many vacations with the money instead". Same for grandkids---we want them to have the best opportunities to succeed in life and if we have the resources we will provide.
I grew up poor, I know what it's like to struggle. I wouldn't wish that on anyone---my kids are financially aware and one is downright frugal. They recognize their privilege and volunteer and give back to their communities (during HS/College/after graduation). They know how to budget and live within a budget based on their salary.

You know when you lose respect? When they act like authorities on how the country should be run, how everyone should be non paid advocate and protest all day long, how us and our kids should be saving the whales instead of "working for the man", how we should live in certain neighborhoods or towns because of the GREAT public schools and EVERYONE should go to public schools and eat organic and blah blah blah. When they say who should be taxed and how much despite getting thousands of untaxed $ in their account every month.

THAT's when I lose respect. A lot of it!!

you have some issues, you really need to get yourself some help.

[Anonymous]

My MIL helps my SIL who is in her 50's. It's really quite sad.

[Anonymous]

Some people live together and are financially independent.
I lived with my parents. More like they lived with me. I paid for everything and they paid for what old people pay for-fun times with other seniors, food, recreational things.

It works until you have to marry. Then, no body get along. It's best to be independent.
Also, I'm Asian so it's not a big deal to have 3 generations in one house. But, like I said, it's all good until you want to get married!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Some people live together and are financially independent.
I lived with my parents. More like they lived with me. I paid for everything and they paid for what old people pay for-fun times with other seniors, food, recreational things.

It works until you have to marry. Then, no body get along. It's best to be independent.
Also, I'm Asian so it's not a big deal to have 3 generations in one house. But, like I said, it's all good until you want to get married!

My Asian friend in this situation had a huge blowout with her Caucasian spouse over this when he learned she was continuing to subsidize her parents somewhat lavish retirement/lifestyle after they got married. There was just a giant culture clash between the families and it brought up all kinds of issues, like why her parents were living larger than his because she was subsidizing them and he wasn't, and then they had a kid and he was angry she wanted to send her parents money and not help him save for their kid's private school and college fund. He ended up putting all his savings into a trust for their child with a friend as the trustee as he was so worried if it went to her she'd spend it all on her extended family and their child wouldn't have anything left.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Some people live together and are financially independent.
I lived with my parents. More like they lived with me. I paid for everything and they paid for what old people pay for-fun times with other seniors, food, recreational things.

It works until you have to marry. Then, no body get along. It's best to be independent.
Also, I'm Asian so it's not a big deal to have 3 generations in one house. But, like I said, it's all good until you want to get married!

My Asian friend in this situation had a huge blowout with her Caucasian spouse over this when he learned she was continuing to subsidize her parents somewhat lavish retirement/lifestyle after they got married. There was just a giant culture clash between the families and it brought up all kinds of issues, like why her parents were living larger than his because she was subsidizing them and he wasn't, and then they had a kid and he was angry she wanted to send her parents money and not help him save for their kid's private school and college fund. He ended up putting all his savings into a trust for their child with a friend as the trustee as he was so worried if it went to her she'd spend it all on her extended family and their child wouldn't have anything left.

yikes!

[Anonymous]

There is support because your kid isn't self-sufficient and then there is transferring assets because you don't need the money and your kids will inherit it eventually anyway.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There is support because your kid isn't self-sufficient and then there is transferring assets because you don't need the money and your kids will inherit it eventually anyway.

Exactly! Most on this site seem to be jealous of those in the 2nd position.

[Anonymous]

One of my friends lives with her parents and has a child. She wants to live a life of luxury but can't survive on her own. She has a job but doesn't make much and doesn't have a real career. She will probably live with her parents until at least 40-45. I'm sorry but I can't imagine raising a child and living 2 feet from my parents room.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is support because your kid isn't self-sufficient and then there is transferring assets because you don't need the money and your kids will inherit it eventually anyway.

Exactly! Most on this site seem to be jealous of those in the 2nd position.

Yeah, some are jealous and others simply do not like when those receiving asset transfers are unwilling to acknowledge that is a form of support.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:There is support because your kid isn't self-sufficient and then there is transferring assets because you don't need the money and your kids will inherit it eventually anyway.

Exactly! Most on this site seem to be jealous of those in the 2nd position.

Yeah, some are jealous and others simply do not like when those receiving asset transfers are unwilling to acknowledge that is a form of support.

DP - I think it’s ridiculous to criticize people for being jealous of those who receive a lot of financial support in adulthood. Who wouldn’t want extra money you didn’t earn? I’d love some.

That being said, it generally doesn’t bother me on a daily basis; DH and I and our family earn plenty. But when people try to insist that they’re not being supported by their parents, when they actually are, it’s annoying. Most of my friends receive some kind of financial assistance from their parents; very few claim it’s not actually helpful. That takes a special kind of obnoxious.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
Estate planning.

Taxes are the enemy of generational wealth.

Instead of waiting for a taxable inheritance, money is shunted down the generations throughout the decades.

It's the RESPONSIBLE thing to do.

I am not in that situation, but if I were, I would absolutely do the same thing!!!

This. Parents who do this are not cutting back. They have a lot and they use it wisely. At some point it is only 50 cents on the dollar or less with estate taxes if they just kept it until death.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Estate planning.

Taxes are the enemy of generational wealth.

Instead of waiting for a taxable inheritance, money is shunted down the generations throughout the decades.

It's the RESPONSIBLE thing to do.

I am not in that situation, but if I were, I would absolutely do the same thing!!!

This. Parents who do this are not cutting back. They have a lot and they use it wisely. At some point it is only 50 cents on the dollar or less with estate taxes if they just kept it until death.

+100

Kids and grandkids will also benefit much more from having it now than when they are 60 (kids) or 30 (GK). I'd much rather ensure my kids do not take on debt to attend college or graduate school if I can afford it. Same for Grandkids. It's perhaps the single largest "gift" you can give---free education to set yourself up for a great future without loan payments.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Estate planning.

Taxes are the enemy of generational wealth.

Instead of waiting for a taxable inheritance, money is shunted down the generations throughout the decades.

It's the RESPONSIBLE thing to do.

I am not in that situation, but if I were, I would absolutely do the same thing!!!

This. Parents who do this are not cutting back. They have a lot and they use it wisely. At some point it is only 50 cents on the dollar or less with estate taxes if they just kept it until death.

+100

Kids and grandkids will also benefit much more from having it now than when they are 60 (kids) or 30 (GK). I'd much rather ensure my kids do not take on debt to attend college or graduate school if I can afford it. Same for Grandkids. It's perhaps the single largest "gift" you can give---free education to set yourself up for a great future without loan payments.

It's a great gift but most of the people I know in these situations aren't even hitting six figures. One of my friends is like this and she is so underemployed and dependent on her parents. It's kind of pathetic. Your parents have paid for school, wedding, cars etc. and you still can't figure out how to make decent money. Ridiculous.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
Estate planning.

Taxes are the enemy of generational wealth.

Instead of waiting for a taxable inheritance, money is shunted down the generations throughout the decades.

It's the RESPONSIBLE thing to do.

I am not in that situation, but if I were, I would absolutely do the same thing!!!

This. Parents who do this are not cutting back. They have a lot and they use it wisely. At some point it is only 50 cents on the dollar or less with estate taxes if they just kept it until death.

+100

Kids and grandkids will also benefit much more from having it now than when they are 60 (kids) or 30 (GK). I'd much rather ensure my kids do not take on debt to attend college or graduate school if I can afford it. Same for Grandkids. It's perhaps the single largest "gift" you can give---free education to set yourself up for a great future without loan payments.

DH grew up in much better circumstances than me. While there have not been many cash transfers from his parents, they paid for his college, most of his grad school, and provided cash gifts to him when he married and bought a house. We are now much more financially flush (if anything, they appear to be blowing through their money and we now wonder if we will be supporting them). When we met recently with a new lawyer to update our will (we relocated about ten years ago and hadn't done so), I persuaded him that it would make more sense to provide money to our kids at a few intervals (late 20s onwards), then to wait till our death beds. My main argument was that this money might make a difference in being able to buy a house, in which school district, etc. He slowly came around to it, so that's our new plan. Still ten years or so before that would happen, but I feel better about having that in place.

[Anonymous]

We get annual gifts from 5k - 17k/yr from my in-laws. They also contribute to our kids' 529 plans.

We are in our 30s and make $600k/yr and clearly don't need the support but it definitely is fantastic and a smart strategy since their estate will be taxable on the state (and maybe federal level.)

It allows us to upgrade our home, treat our kids, etc. We are very grateful.