Movie blow up - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. It is hard for us to find movies we all like. Kids have watched Marvel movies and comedies with DH with no problem. Older kid does have some special needs - (And for PP who insisted that slow processing speed is a scam - my kid has had two rounds of educational evaluations in HS - but did NOT use testing accommodations. She has more issues with auditory learning and was allowed a tape recorder to help with notes - she does not process auditorially as fast as other kids, esp in lectures. She is a fine test taker and reader.) She can watch a movie without subtitles, but for very talky films, subtitles do help.

In this situation, older kid would have appreciated having subtitles on but acquiesced to Dad's wishes. Kids find it hard to connect with Dad. For example, Dad wanted to share with them an old series he loved as a boy with them. Older DD watched it with him though it was not really her cup of tea. Dad was very bitter when younger DD bowed out of series after watching over 20 episodes. This show had almost 50 episodes and DH was very disappointed younger DD did not sit through the entire series with him. He takes that very personally.

We do not watch a lot of movies together as a family because he has different tastes - action and comedies only. If I want to see something outside that, I go alone as he is not interested. The kids do not typically pause movies to ask questions. Not sure why the younger one did with this one today, other than perhaps tiredness keeping her from following along attentively.

But both girls get frustrated with their dad's "my way or the highway" mode. They often do not like playing games with him as he is very competitive and often wants to take over when in the past we have done things like escape rooms.

He's a very black / white sort of person with not a lot of gray. For example, he cannot easily visit with his mom because they are very different politically, and he cannot just have a civil debate with her, he feels the need to win the argument and gets upset when he cannot convince her of where she is "wrong" - where I can mostly just go the "agree to disagree" or step away from it route.

I want DH to have a better relationship with our kids, because they love him but feel that his rigidity in always having to be "right" / do it his way, makes him hard to deal with.

Seems like there are many accommodations made for the children but little for DH. Why can’t the child finish the series because it would mean a lot to the dad? Why can’t grown adults hold their questions until the end of the movie to see if they actually watch it those questions would get answered instead of interrupting the movie every few minutes. You and your kids make doing things together really frustrating and want DH to do it your way all the time and if he wants to watch a move without all the drama, you call him an ahole.

Do you have children? You write like someone who does not have teens, let alone young adults. You called the children here “grown adults.” For starters why should a grown adult sit through 30 episodes of a show for a father who makes no accommodations for them?

OP, I’ve noticed that you have you not mentioned your kids ages. I suspect that’s so you don’t hear more about proper movie behavior. But it makes me think they are older and the days of you trying to manage their relationship with their father is long over. Your DH won’t change so it strikes that you are the only one who can change. Your DH sounds incredibly unpleasant and I have a hard believing he is a good spouse. But assuming you stay with him, then I think you need to find ways to keep up your relationships with your daughters when they stop coming home.

Read the OP. These are young adults, as clearly stated. Stop interrupting this thread asking idiotic questions when you didn't even read the OP. You're being as annoying as these young adult "kids" who can't sit through a movie because they are too slow to keep up.

You seem nice.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. It is hard for us to find movies we all like. Kids have watched Marvel movies and comedies with DH with no problem. Older kid does have some special needs - (And for PP who insisted that slow processing speed is a scam - my kid has had two rounds of educational evaluations in HS - but did NOT use testing accommodations. She has more issues with auditory learning and was allowed a tape recorder to help with notes - she does not process auditorially as fast as other kids, esp in lectures. She is a fine test taker and reader.) She can watch a movie without subtitles, but for very talky films, subtitles do help.

In this situation, older kid would have appreciated having subtitles on but acquiesced to Dad's wishes. Kids find it hard to connect with Dad. For example, Dad wanted to share with them an old series he loved as a boy with them. Older DD watched it with him though it was not really her cup of tea. Dad was very bitter when younger DD bowed out of series after watching over 20 episodes. This show had almost 50 episodes and DH was very disappointed younger DD did not sit through the entire series with him. He takes that very personally.

We do not watch a lot of movies together as a family because he has different tastes - action and comedies only. If I want to see something outside that, I go alone as he is not interested. The kids do not typically pause movies to ask questions. Not sure why the younger one did with this one today, other than perhaps tiredness keeping her from following along attentively.

But both girls get frustrated with their dad's "my way or the highway" mode. They often do not like playing games with him as he is very competitive and often wants to take over when in the past we have done things like escape rooms.

He's a very black / white sort of person with not a lot of gray. For example, he cannot easily visit with his mom because they are very different politically, and he cannot just have a civil debate with her, he feels the need to win the argument and gets upset when he cannot convince her of where she is "wrong" - where I can mostly just go the "agree to disagree" or step away from it route.

I want DH to have a better relationship with our kids, because they love him but feel that his rigidity in always having to be "right" / do it his way, makes him hard to deal with.

Seems like there are many accommodations made for the children but little for DH. Why can’t the child finish the series because it would mean a lot to the dad? Why can’t grown adults hold their questions until the end of the movie to see if they actually watch it those questions would get answered instead of interrupting the movie every few minutes. You and your kids make doing things together really frustrating and want DH to do it your way all the time and if he wants to watch a move without all the drama, you call him an ahole.

Do you have children? You write like someone who does not have teens, let alone young adults. You called the children here “grown adults.” For starters why should a grown adult sit through 30 episodes of a show for a father who makes no accommodations for them?

OP, I’ve noticed that you have you not mentioned your kids ages. I suspect that’s so you don’t hear more about proper movie behavior. But it makes me think they are older and the days of you trying to manage their relationship with their father is long over. Your DH won’t change so it strikes that you are the only one who can change. Your DH sounds incredibly unpleasant and I have a hard believing he is a good spouse. But assuming you stay with him, then I think you need to find ways to keep up your relationships with your daughters when they stop coming home.

Read the OP. These are young adults, as clearly stated. Stop interrupting this thread asking idiotic questions when you didn't even read the OP. You're being as annoying as these young adult "kids" who can't sit through a movie because they are too slow to keep up.

You seem nice.

Give me a break. People who chastise other people for their own inability to read and comprehend threads should just not post.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here - the kid who asked for subtitles (older, processing difference) and who *requested them initially but acquiesced to Dad's insistence of NO subtitles*, and the kid who asked to pause the movie three times upfront to ask a question are two different kids.

The given is that if Dad is present there will be no subtitles because they distract him and DC1 has to "deal with it". DC1 will acquiesce, though it makes watching certain films harder for her.

DC2 typically does not need to pause a film to ask questions. She has no learning differences and is a bright kid, so on this particular night she may have not been paying close attention, and I get that can be annoying, but not enough to storm out over.

The issue was Dad's overreaction and blow up. This comes up a lot. My kids have told me they do not like sharing certain things with their dad because it turns into an argument and he always feels the need to be right, to push and argue until everyone else either gives up or agrees with him. He has issues seeing outside his own purview a lot.

Case in point, DC1 who has depression being told taking antidepressants is a sign of weakness. Despite the fact that DH has untreated depression and is miserable. DC2 has a close friend who is trans - DH refused to call this kid by name or use preferred pronouns because he "does not agree with it". I could give a lot of examples where DH becomes confrontational or chooses to get angry over others not seeing things his way.

He perceives anyone disagreeing with him as a personal affront and stews over it. It always comes down to "if you don't agree with me, you're wrong". THAT is at the crux of the problem here, and sadly, my kids have started distancing somewhat from him.

I think at the core, it's not about the movie watching. It's about the tiptoeing around DH on not just movies but whatever it is that he doesn't "agree with".

OP - I posted earlier re: your husband telling one of your kids the anti-depressant was a crutch. You have a DH problem, not a kid problem. Maybe he's neurodivergent, but he's definitely a jerk.

We have a lot/some of the same dynamic. I long ago sided with the kids. Which doesn't mean that we don't have good family times, etc., but when he's going off the rails I don't try to placate or fix things for him. But going off the rails for my husband is explosive anger. I tell him his behavior is not acceptable and remove myself (and kids) from the situation.

I decided many years ago that the relationship I prioritize is the one with my kids. My marriage may or may not last, but I would like to still be involved in my children's lives when they are older. Because at some point they are going to realize that they don't actually HAVE TO spend time with their parents. I have talked until I was blue in the face to my husband about developing relationships with the kids. I have suggested a zillion different opportunities for them to spend time and bond. I finally decided that his relationship with them is his business and not mine to manage.

Your kids are young adults. It's not your responsibility to fix your husband's issues. Prioritize your relationship with your kids and let the chips fall where they may.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here - the kid who asked for subtitles (older, processing difference) and who *requested them initially but acquiesced to Dad's insistence of NO subtitles*, and the kid who asked to pause the movie three times upfront to ask a question are two different kids.

The given is that if Dad is present there will be no subtitles because they distract him and DC1 has to "deal with it". DC1 will acquiesce, though it makes watching certain films harder for her.

DC2 typically does not need to pause a film to ask questions. She has no learning differences and is a bright kid, so on this particular night she may have not been paying close attention, and I get that can be annoying, but not enough to storm out over.

The issue was Dad's overreaction and blow up. This comes up a lot. My kids have told me they do not like sharing certain things with their dad because it turns into an argument and he always feels the need to be right, to push and argue until everyone else either gives up or agrees with him. He has issues seeing outside his own purview a lot.

Case in point, DC1 who has depression being told taking antidepressants is a sign of weakness. Despite the fact that DH has untreated depression and is miserable. DC2 has a close friend who is trans - DH refused to call this kid by name or use preferred pronouns because he "does not agree with it". I could give a lot of examples where DH becomes confrontational or chooses to get angry over others not seeing things his way.

He perceives anyone disagreeing with him as a personal affront and stews over it. It always comes down to "if you don't agree with me, you're wrong". THAT is at the crux of the problem here, and sadly, my kids have started distancing somewhat from him.

I think at the core, it's not about the movie watching. It's about the tiptoeing around DH on not just movies but whatever it is that he doesn't "agree with".

OP - I posted earlier re: your husband telling one of your kids the anti-depressant was a crutch. You have a DH problem, not a kid problem. Maybe he's neurodivergent, but he's definitely a jerk.

We have a lot/some of the same dynamic. I long ago sided with the kids. Which doesn't mean that we don't have good family times, etc., but when he's going off the rails I don't try to placate or fix things for him. But going off the rails for my husband is explosive anger. I tell him his behavior is not acceptable and remove myself (and kids) from the situation.

I decided many years ago that the relationship I prioritize is the one with my kids. My marriage may or may not last, but I would like to still be involved in my children's lives when they are older. Because at some point they are going to realize that they don't actually HAVE TO spend time with their parents. I have talked until I was blue in the face to my husband about developing relationships with the kids. I have suggested a zillion different opportunities for them to spend time and bond. I finally decided that his relationship with them is his business and not mine to manage.

Your kids are young adults. It's not your responsibility to fix your husband's issues. Prioritize your relationship with your kids and let the chips fall where they may.

I'm not sure I agree OP should priortize adult kids over the spouse. The kids will soon be prioritizing their own significant others over their parents.
Seems it would be unhealthy and then OP would be the MIL from hell if the adults had mom enmeshed. Now's the time to focus on the marriage as an empty nester or soon to be.

[Anonymous]

OP here.

First, to the PP above, thank you for your insightful response. You make some very important points. And thank you to those who answered and shared opinions without resorting to insults. This board has always had its trolls.

To answer the prior question - DCs are both home from college. DC1 is 21 and lives happily out of state in a house with 4 other college students who rent together. A very easy going and gentle kid who gets along well with housemates, they work with each other and no problems. Other than minor auditory accommodations and some depression, has always done well at school. Non confrontational and kind to others, but has literally had to remove herself from dinner table when DH goes on a rant in the past.

DC2 is 18, new college student, no special needs. While talkative by nature, the chatty interruptions during the film were not typical for her. She has sat through long epic films and watched Shakespeare with no issues, so the question asking as the movie started is not something she does a lot. An off day maybe. She is more one to pick apart a film after it is over.

But after DH's blow up, neither felt inclined to chase after him. And they are both conciliatory kids who have no trouble apologizing or trying to work to an amenable compromise. But they are tired of the blow ups and their dad's moodiness. I am tired of trying to be the peacemaker.

Both kids, I have noticed, reach their limit being home over breaks because we have all had to tiptoe around DH at times. A PP mentioned that they may reach the point where they feel less willing to visit. I can see this becoming an issue, but I cannot change DH. I will maintain my relationship with those kids no matter where they go. But I see already that they do not have the kind of close relationship they would like with him.

Older DD has said to me, "There are some things I will never share with Dad. Because you cannot have an honest conversation with him. He is not interested in listening, or understanding, or compromising. He is only interested in being right."

And that is a choice, but may make for a very lonely one.

If this was a one time incident over movie chatter, I probably would have looked at this differently, but I can see it goes much deeper than that. Thank you to those who gave thoughtful responses. We all have accommodations to make for others. I may reach out to PP who kindly left their email address. That was very much appreciated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

First, to the PP above, thank you for your insightful response. You make some very important points. And thank you to those who answered and shared opinions without resorting to insults. This board has always had its trolls.

To answer the prior question - DCs are both home from college. DC1 is 21 and lives happily out of state in a house with 4 other college students who rent together. A very easy going and gentle kid who gets along well with housemates, they work with each other and no problems. Other than minor auditory accommodations and some depression, has always done well at school. Non confrontational and kind to others, but has literally had to remove herself from dinner table when DH goes on a rant in the past.

DC2 is 18, new college student, no special needs. While talkative by nature, the chatty interruptions during the film were not typical for her. She has sat through long epic films and watched Shakespeare with no issues, so the question asking as the movie started is not something she does a lot. An off day maybe. She is more one to pick apart a film after it is over.

But after DH's blow up, neither felt inclined to chase after him. And they are both conciliatory kids who have no trouble apologizing or trying to work to an amenable compromise. But they are tired of the blow ups and their dad's moodiness. I am tired of trying to be the peacemaker.

Both kids, I have noticed, reach their limit being home over breaks because we have all had to tiptoe around DH at times. A PP mentioned that they may reach the point where they feel less willing to visit. I can see this becoming an issue, but I cannot change DH. I will maintain my relationship with those kids no matter where they go. But I see already that they do not have the kind of close relationship they would like with him.

Older DD has said to me, "There are some things I will never share with Dad. Because you cannot have an honest conversation with him. He is not interested in listening, or understanding, or compromising. He is only interested in being right."

And that is a choice, but may make for a very lonely one.

If this was a one time incident over movie chatter, I probably would have looked at this differently, but I can see it goes much deeper than that. Thank you to those who gave thoughtful responses. We all have accommodations to make for others. I may reach out to PP who kindly left their email address. That was very much appreciated.

Do in response to their father being a jerk. The " kids" decided to act like jerks instead of saying that they weren't interested in the movie or address dad's inappropriate behavior directly . Instead they decided to behave passive aggressively and be deliberately atagonistic
Encouraged by you.

While your husband may have been wrong in the past. And I don't doubt that the " kids" will have to work to establish healthy boundaries with him

In the movie situation all 3 were wrong.

[Anonymous]

But after DH's blow up, neither felt inclined to chase after him. And they are both conciliatory kids who have no trouble apologizing or trying to work to an amenable compromise. But they are tired of the blow ups and their dad's moodiness. I am tired of trying to be the peacemaker.

Both kids, I have noticed, reach their limit being home over breaks because we have all had to tiptoe around DH at times. A PP mentioned that they may reach the point where they feel less willing to visit. I can see this becoming an issue, but I cannot change DH. I will maintain my relationship with those kids no matter where they go. But I see already that they do not have the kind of close relationship they would like with him.

Older DD has said to me, "There are some things I will never share with Dad. Because you cannot have an honest conversation with him. He is not interested in listening, or understanding, or compromising. He is only interested in being right."

PP here. My kids are younger but this is very familiar territory, especially the bolded. My younger one in particular is hurt by not having the type of father she observes that her friends have. I feel incredible guilt over that.

Best of luck to you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

First, to the PP above, thank you for your insightful response. You make some very important points. And thank you to those who answered and shared opinions without resorting to insults. This board has always had its trolls.

To answer the prior question - DCs are both home from college. DC1 is 21 and lives happily out of state in a house with 4 other college students who rent together. A very easy going and gentle kid who gets along well with housemates, they work with each other and no problems. Other than minor auditory accommodations and some depression, has always done well at school. Non confrontational and kind to others, but has literally had to remove herself from dinner table when DH goes on a rant in the past.

DC2 is 18, new college student, no special needs. While talkative by nature, the chatty interruptions during the film were not typical for her. She has sat through long epic films and watched Shakespeare with no issues, so the question asking as the movie started is not something she does a lot. An off day maybe. She is more one to pick apart a film after it is over.

But after DH's blow up, neither felt inclined to chase after him. And they are both conciliatory kids who have no trouble apologizing or trying to work to an amenable compromise. But they are tired of the blow ups and their dad's moodiness. I am tired of trying to be the peacemaker.

Both kids, I have noticed, reach their limit being home over breaks because we have all had to tiptoe around DH at times. A PP mentioned that they may reach the point where they feel less willing to visit. I can see this becoming an issue, but I cannot change DH. I will maintain my relationship with those kids no matter where they go. But I see already that they do not have the kind of close relationship they would like with him.

Older DD has said to me, "There are some things I will never share with Dad. Because you cannot have an honest conversation with him. He is not interested in listening, or understanding, or compromising. He is only interested in being right."

And that is a choice, but may make for a very lonely one.

If this was a one time incident over movie chatter, I probably would have looked at this differently, but I can see it goes much deeper than that. Thank you to those who gave thoughtful responses. We all have accommodations to make for others. I may reach out to PP who kindly left their email address. That was very much appreciated.

Do in response to their father being a jerk. The " kids" decided to act like jerks instead of saying that they weren't interested in the movie or address dad's inappropriate behavior directly . Instead they decided to behave passive aggressively and be deliberately atagonistic
Encouraged by you.

While your husband may have been wrong in the past. And I don't doubt that the " kids" will have to work to establish healthy boundaries with him

In the movie situation all 3 were wrong.

You, clearly, have no experience with having to walk on eggshells around someone. These 'kids' have been well conditioned by their father and mother to accommodate him. That won't change overnight.

[Anonymous]

To your DH - if you want them to enjoy it then you have to let them experience it in a way that works for them. Doing it "your way or no way" means while they'll sit through it, they won't understand it and likely won't enjoy it. And that utterly negates the whole purpose of sharing something you want them to like.

[Anonymous]

He needs a vacation, but sounds like one to not enjoy himself on vacation anyway. He needs a huge life wakeup call if that is the case. You can't provide that, but maybe a close friend (or his mom and dad) can talk to him?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. It is hard for us to find movies we all like. Kids have watched Marvel movies and comedies with DH with no problem. Older kid does have some special needs - (And for PP who insisted that slow processing speed is a scam - my kid has had two rounds of educational evaluations in HS - but did NOT use testing accommodations. She has more issues with auditory learning and was allowed a tape recorder to help with notes - she does not process auditorially as fast as other kids, esp in lectures. She is a fine test taker and reader.) She can watch a movie without subtitles, but for very talky films, subtitles do help.

In this situation, older kid would have appreciated having subtitles on but acquiesced to Dad's wishes. Kids find it hard to connect with Dad. For example, Dad wanted to share with them an old series he loved as a boy with them. Older DD watched it with him though it was not really her cup of tea. Dad was very bitter when younger DD bowed out of series after watching over 20 episodes. This show had almost 50 episodes and DH was very disappointed younger DD did not sit through the entire series with him. He takes that very personally.

We do not watch a lot of movies together as a family because he has different tastes - action and comedies only. If I want to see something outside that, I go alone as he is not interested. The kids do not typically pause movies to ask questions. Not sure why the younger one did with this one today, other than perhaps tiredness keeping her from following along attentively.

But both girls get frustrated with their dad's "my way or the highway" mode. They often do not like playing games with him as he is very competitive and often wants to take over when in the past we have done things like escape rooms.

He's a very black / white sort of person with not a lot of gray. For example, he cannot easily visit with his mom because they are very different politically, and he cannot just have a civil debate with her, he feels the need to win the argument and gets upset when he cannot convince her of where she is "wrong" - where I can mostly just go the "agree to disagree" or step away from it route.

I want DH to have a better relationship with our kids, because they love him but feel that his rigidity in always having to be "right" / do it his way, makes him hard to deal with.

Seems like there are many accommodations made for the children but little for DH. Why can’t the child finish the series because it would mean a lot to the dad? Why can’t grown adults hold their questions until the end of the movie to see if they actually watch it those questions would get answered instead of interrupting the movie every few minutes. You and your kids make doing things together really frustrating and want DH to do it your way all the time and if he wants to watch a move without all the drama, you call him an ahole.

Um, I would call watching 20 episodes of a tv show you’re not interested in an accommodation, even if you don’t watch the other 30.

[Anonymous]

So the therapy he has not had won't work but the things he is (not) doing don't work, either and so the status quo, which he is not happy about, continues.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

First, to the PP above, thank you for your insightful response. You make some very important points. And thank you to those who answered and shared opinions without resorting to insults. This board has always had its trolls.

To answer the prior question - DCs are both home from college. DC1 is 21 and lives happily out of state in a house with 4 other college students who rent together. A very easy going and gentle kid who gets along well with housemates, they work with each other and no problems. Other than minor auditory accommodations and some depression, has always done well at school. Non confrontational and kind to others, but has literally had to remove herself from dinner table when DH goes on a rant in the past.

DC2 is 18, new college student, no special needs. While talkative by nature, the chatty interruptions during the film were not typical for her. She has sat through long epic films and watched Shakespeare with no issues, so the question asking as the movie started is not something she does a lot. An off day maybe. She is more one to pick apart a film after it is over.

But after DH's blow up, neither felt inclined to chase after him. And they are both conciliatory kids who have no trouble apologizing or trying to work to an amenable compromise. But they are tired of the blow ups and their dad's moodiness. I am tired of trying to be the peacemaker.

Both kids, I have noticed, reach their limit being home over breaks because we have all had to tiptoe around DH at times. A PP mentioned that they may reach the point where they feel less willing to visit. I can see this becoming an issue, but I cannot change DH. I will maintain my relationship with those kids no matter where they go. But I see already that they do not have the kind of close relationship they would like with him.

Older DD has said to me, "There are some things I will never share with Dad. Because you cannot have an honest conversation with him. He is not interested in listening, or understanding, or compromising. He is only interested in being right."

And that is a choice, but may make for a very lonely one.

If this was a one time incident over movie chatter, I probably would have looked at this differently, but I can see it goes much deeper than that. Thank you to those who gave thoughtful responses. We all have accommodations to make for others. I may reach out to PP who kindly left their email address. That was very much appreciated.

Do in response to their father being a jerk. The " kids" decided to act like jerks instead of saying that they weren't interested in the movie or address dad's inappropriate behavior directly . Instead they decided to behave passive aggressively and be deliberately atagonistic
Encouraged by you.

While your husband may have been wrong in the past. And I don't doubt that the " kids" will have to work to establish healthy boundaries with him

In the movie situation all 3 were wrong.

You, clearly, have no experience with having to walk on eggshells around someone. These 'kids' have been well conditioned by their father and mother to accommodate him. That won't change overnight.

I actually do and I recall being the college age kid with some newly found confidence ring purposely antagonistic in situations I didn't need to be to stick it to them to get back at them for all their past tantrums.
It wasn't effective and actually pretty toxic an extension of a toxic dynamic. I eventually learned to stand up for myself and establish boundaries with out stoopiing to that pers level.

Hopefully ops kid do too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

First, to the PP above, thank you for your insightful response. You make some very important points. And thank you to those who answered and shared opinions without resorting to insults. This board has always had its trolls.

To answer the prior question - DCs are both home from college. DC1 is 21 and lives happily out of state in a house with 4 other college students who rent together. A very easy going and gentle kid who gets along well with housemates, they work with each other and no problems. Other than minor auditory accommodations and some depression, has always done well at school. Non confrontational and kind to others, but has literally had to remove herself from dinner table when DH goes on a rant in the past.

DC2 is 18, new college student, no special needs. While talkative by nature, the chatty interruptions during the film were not typical for her. She has sat through long epic films and watched Shakespeare with no issues, so the question asking as the movie started is not something she does a lot. An off day maybe. She is more one to pick apart a film after it is over.

But after DH's blow up, neither felt inclined to chase after him. And they are both conciliatory kids who have no trouble apologizing or trying to work to an amenable compromise. But they are tired of the blow ups and their dad's moodiness. I am tired of trying to be the peacemaker.

Both kids, I have noticed, reach their limit being home over breaks because we have all had to tiptoe around DH at times. A PP mentioned that they may reach the point where they feel less willing to visit. I can see this becoming an issue, but I cannot change DH. I will maintain my relationship with those kids no matter where they go. But I see already that they do not have the kind of close relationship they would like with him.

Older DD has said to me, "There are some things I will never share with Dad. Because you cannot have an honest conversation with him. He is not interested in listening, or understanding, or compromising. He is only interested in being right."

And that is a choice, but may make for a very lonely one.

If this was a one time incident over movie chatter, I probably would have looked at this differently, but I can see it goes much deeper than that. Thank you to those who gave thoughtful responses. We all have accommodations to make for others. I may reach out to PP who kindly left their email address. That was very much appreciated.

OP, in your first post, you asked for suggestions but did not indicate what options you were willing to consider. You cannot force your DH to get effective mental health treatment. You cannot force him to act a certain way with your kids, nor can you force them to respond to your husband any other way. All you can do is decide which of these dynamics you are willing to accept, and which you are not. If you are willing to accept a dynamic, then you need to make peace with those dynamics, including any consequences they may have for your relationship with your kids, instead of expecting them to change. If you cannot make peace with that, then you will need to decide what changes have to be made. Therapy may help you sort through all of that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

First, to the PP above, thank you for your insightful response. You make some very important points. And thank you to those who answered and shared opinions without resorting to insults. This board has always had its trolls.

To answer the prior question - DCs are both home from college. DC1 is 21 and lives happily out of state in a house with 4 other college students who rent together. A very easy going and gentle kid who gets along well with housemates, they work with each other and no problems. Other than minor auditory accommodations and some depression, has always done well at school. Non confrontational and kind to others, but has literally had to remove herself from dinner table when DH goes on a rant in the past.

DC2 is 18, new college student, no special needs. While talkative by nature, the chatty interruptions during the film were not typical for her. She has sat through long epic films and watched Shakespeare with no issues, so the question asking as the movie started is not something she does a lot. An off day maybe. She is more one to pick apart a film after it is over.

But after DH's blow up, neither felt inclined to chase after him. And they are both conciliatory kids who have no trouble apologizing or trying to work to an amenable compromise. But they are tired of the blow ups and their dad's moodiness. I am tired of trying to be the peacemaker.

Both kids, I have noticed, reach their limit being home over breaks because we have all had to tiptoe around DH at times. A PP mentioned that they may reach the point where they feel less willing to visit. I can see this becoming an issue, but I cannot change DH. I will maintain my relationship with those kids no matter where they go. But I see already that they do not have the kind of close relationship they would like with him.

Older DD has said to me, "There are some things I will never share with Dad. Because you cannot have an honest conversation with him. He is not interested in listening, or understanding, or compromising. He is only interested in being right."

And that is a choice, but may make for a very lonely one.

If this was a one time incident over movie chatter, I probably would have looked at this differently, but I can see it goes much deeper than that. Thank you to those who gave thoughtful responses. We all have accommodations to make for others. I may reach out to PP who kindly left their email address. That was very much appreciated.

Do in response to their father being a jerk. The " kids" decided to act like jerks instead of saying that they weren't interested in the movie or address dad's inappropriate behavior directly . Instead they decided to behave passive aggressively and be deliberately atagonistic
Encouraged by you.

While your husband may have been wrong in the past. And I don't doubt that the " kids" will have to work to establish healthy boundaries with him

In the movie situation all 3 were wrong.

You, clearly, have no experience with having to walk on eggshells around someone. These 'kids' have been well conditioned by their father and mother to accommodate him. That won't change overnight.

I actually do and I recall being the college age kid with some newly found confidence ring purposely antagonistic in situations I didn't need to be to stick it to them to get back at them for all their past tantrums.
It wasn't effective and actually pretty toxic an extension of a toxic dynamic. I eventually learned to stand up for myself and establish boundaries with out stoopiing to that pers level.

Hopefully ops kid do too

So, you went from being passive and conciliatory to full of confidence and able to directly address your parent's unacceptable behavior head on? Good for you. Most people don't get there that fast or that young. By letting their father storm off and not placate him, OP's kids are on the right path. In fact, it is not their responsibility to 'train' their father on how to appropriate express frustration. If they do nothing other than just let him go off, that would be fine. He should be smart enough to figure out why they avoid him.


But after DH's blow up, neither felt inclined to chase after him. And they are both conciliatory kids who have no trouble apologizing or trying to work to an amenable compromise. But they are tired of the blow ups and their dad's moodiness. I am tired of trying to be the peacemaker.