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Movie blow up - WWYD?
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Anonymous
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My DH has been urging myself and 2 kids to watch "Knives Out". He loved it and thought we would too. Wanted to share it with us.
Issue 1- Both kids (young adults) prefer watching movies at home with captions on. Older child is very much a visual learner and has issues with extended listening in some scenarios - ie action movies fine, in depth movies, she is a slower processor and text helps. Issue 2 - We started the movie and several times Younger Child asked to pause it to ask a question, i.e. Which character is that? Is so and so the other character's son, etc. None of this was bothering me or other Child, we were enjoying the discussion. DH was getting very mad. First, he insisted on no captions / subtitles onscreen - that they distract him. So they were turned off though the rest of us prefer them. "Learn to use your ears, you don't have captions in a movie theatre, deal with it" is his opinion Then anytime DD would pause the movie to ask a question, he'd get upset. "Stop pausing it, it is a MYSTERY, you're supposed to be confused, just wait and listen and you will figure it out!" He was up and about during the movie but three times we were chastised for pausing / asking questions. The last time he got angry and stormed off to the basement because we were ruining it for him. Note - he had already seen the film. I get that some folks do not want distraction or interruption during a film - but DH had already seen it! Afterwards kids and I talked about learning modalities and how some people are easily distracted, other need quiet, others need to verbalize, etc. Kids agreed that if we were all watching the sequel for the first time that they would refrain from conversation for DH's sake, but older child said that she could probably not enjoy that kind of film without captions or being able to stop for clarification, and might choose to bow out otherwise. Went to talk to DH afterwards, to see if we could find a compromise and he was still angry. Said we were all smart enough to figure it out if we'd just listen, but he hates being interrupted, ever, but especially after he asked us repeatedly to be quiet. I will say he is also depressed, not interested in counseling, and says he just doesn't fit in anywhere and should just entertain himself in the basement. Suggested playing a family game instead, but he is still smarting over the movie and feeling disrespected / out of synch with the rest of us and was not interested in coming back up. 😕 So do we just avoid movies? The kids are wary to do certain activities with Dad because they feel he can get very "my way or the highway". Sometimes he's great, other times, major friction that leaves everyone feeling bad, especially him. Suggestions? |
Anonymous
| OP, this isn’t about the movie. My kid was like this- he would build up a playdate in his mind and when it didn’t go exactly as planned he would get upset and storm off in a huff. Things that helped were meds for ADHD and weekly therapy. |
Anonymous
| This has nothing to do with the movie and has to do with the fact that the entire family is walking on eggshells around your husband. He needs help - he's wound too tight. Maybe a good family activity would be getting high together. |
Anonymous
| Can the captions people watch together on their own device while in the same room? That way you can still watch together. Save questions for the end please. |
Anonymous
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This is a symptom, not the problem. He needs help. He isn't coping with life and is struggling. He is disconnecting, low simmering frustration, no tolerance - it sounds like depression.
Has he spoken to a doctor? He may need meds. He definitely needs an assessment. |
Anonymous
| The stopping the movie to inquire about the plot every few minutes would drive me crazy too, but your husband didn't need to act so hysterical about it. Has he never watched a movie with these two before? |
Anonymous
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Your husband has anger management and impulsivity issues which stem from his ADHD. He needs to talk to a psychiatrist and accept his diagnosis. He may want to try meds, or at least develop self-awareness that he’s being aggressive and irrational when it happens
ADHD is a highly heritable disorder, so please stay attuned to your children’s development. |
Anonymous
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OP, surely this isn't the first time you've watched a movie as a family. Has there ever been a time in the past when your husband as recommended/requested a movie and then watched it with you and the kids? How does he feel about talking during movies in general?
It sounds to me like he had a lot of expectations about this family movie night that included all of you in rapt, silent attention on the movie without talking to each other at all until afterward. Those are really rigid expectations and there was pretty much no way for you and the kids to win. Zooming way out though? It really sounds like your husband IS isolated/isolating in your family. It sounds like YOU are the one doing stuff with your kids, while he shows up when he wants to (which sometimes goes badly). Has he always been disengaged from family life like that? |
Anonymous
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You and the kids are super high maintenance. Just watch the movie - like you are in a theatre.. No barking stupid questions. Just watch the movie.
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Anonymous
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How old are the kids?
It is a fast paced movie with rich dialogue and requires intellect, maturity, and high verbal processing speed to enjoy. Maybe your kids are too young or maybe they aren’t verbally gifted enough (which is fine!) but your DH felt out of sync because there is no one in your family like him. He should share his passion for bon mot and quick wit with his friends! that said, one of the most useful things my mom told me was: just keep watching, we have seen the same you have seen, and you will figure it out eventually as will we! that made me realize they (parents) consider me their equal in terms of intellect and that it is no big deal to be confused at times! |
Anonymous
| NP. My dh and I almost always use subtitles so I don't think that's a big deal, but if someone kept pausing the movie for discussion, I'd probably lose my stuff, too. It would be one thing if they were kids who couldn't easily sit and watch for two hours, but young adults should know better and be able to watch the movie without pausing it. Personally, if that happened in my house I would concede that people were just not in a movie-watching mood and suggest we do it another day. |
Anonymous
OP said the kids are young adults. I figure they are 18-25. |
Anonymous
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Op days the kids are young adults so to me that means 18 + years old.
The pausing the movie to ask questions is super annoying. It seems to me that you have been overly accommodating to the kids such that they have never learned things like talking over a movie is annoying. Your husband's reaction was really over the top and clearly symptomatic of something larger a minimum of his ADHD not being managed |
Anonymous
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OP here.
My DH is very smart - off the charts IQ. Oldest is twice exceptional, very high IQ, even higher SATs than dad but slow processing. Younger is very bright, honors/AP student but a chatterbox. This is less about IQ and more about control. DH is one to say "everything would be better if people would just listen to me!" And "I'm right, and if other people did it my way, they'd see that." He can be very rigid and is not one to want to compromise. He does not connect well with the kids - he can be very judgy. Told older child this morning, who is on antidepressants, that drugs are a crutch and that she needs to learn to do without them. He eschews therapy. And yet he is very depressed, feels he does not connect with people - anywhere. He often complains that he is easily bored and finds socializing a chore - even with his own extended family. He complains about lack of connection but has very high expectations and is constantly disappointed with others - and himself. 😞 |
Anonymous
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As someone with a child who isn’t like me in many aspects I know how frustrating it is, and that it takes time to accept them for who they are.
Dad should just let go of his idea of having a family intellectual movie night |