Movie blow up - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Because his family sounds annoying AF and it's probably dawning on him. Who would want to watch a movie that way?

A parent who has already seen the movie might.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haven’t read all the replies but demanding subtitles (which are very distracting) and then still not being able to follow the movie and needing to stop it to discuss is extremely annoying.

You’re in the wrong here.

However, now that DH has figured out that his family is too slow and inconsiderate to watch a movie with him, he’s in the wrong if he asks again.

Eh we watch everything with sub-titles pretty much. So many movies have the sound mixed soo poorly that the explosions are super loud yet you can’t hear the dialog at all. That said this isn’t about the subtitles at all. What kind of person throws a fit during a movie that they have already seen and storms out of the room over pausing the movie a few times and asking to turn on sub-titles. Pausing the movie to ask questions or turning on subtitles is probably a level 2 or 3 out of 10, actually throwing a fit and leaving the room is 10 out of 10 bad behavior.

Because his family sounds annoying AF and it's probably dawning on him. Who would want to watch a movie that way?

Are you even a parent? There are at least 50,000 other items on the list of annoying things about being a parent that are worse than this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Don’t watch movies together. My husband likes to talk through tv shows and movies. It drives me crazy so we rarely watch them together. Subtitles are annoying. Team DH.

How can you be “Team DH” when the whole problem is him demanding that everyone watch a movie together, which no one else was inclined to do. That goes against the very first sentence of your post.

Is it a bad thing to ask your family to share a movie you really liked? And we’re not talking Tartovsky. It’s a main-stream comedy/mystery. I have no doubt OP’s DH has some issues but I also get the distinct impression that OP and her kids are annoyingly clueless. A little consideration all around would be a good idea.

DP. It's not a bad thing to ask your family to share a movie you really liked. It is a bad thing to then make it an experience they dislike. OP's DH could impose his requirements for watching a movie or accommodate his kids so that they would enjoy the movie. Sounds like he lost sight that he wanted to share something he (not they) liked. Sounds like he lost sight that one of his kids couldn't share it in the way the kid needed in order to understand it.

I get that it's annoying to have the interruptions. I have 16 yo with a processing disorder and we often have to pause movies (or rewind) in order for him to 'get' what happened. It's a small price to pay for 'sharing'.

I don't get all the hate for subtitles. I use them and I don't have a processing or hearing impairment. Sometimes it's hard to catch dialogue.

+1 to all of this. I’m the pp who posted earlier about my DH being a movie talker while I am not, and how I will indulge it only if he pauses while he talks, my kids are the same way as DH. If it’s a movie I truly care about watching without interruptions, I watch it without them first so I can fully enjoy it my own way. It would be nice if everyone watched movies the way I enjoyed them, but that’s not reality and enjoying my time with my family is more important than getting my own way all the time. If I’ve already seen a movie, I can enjoy it a second time without all the disruptions bothering me.

[Anonymous]

OP here - the kid who asked for subtitles (older, processing difference) and who *requested them initially but acquiesced to Dad's insistence of NO subtitles*, and the kid who asked to pause the movie three times upfront to ask a question are two different kids.

The given is that if Dad is present there will be no subtitles because they distract him and DC1 has to "deal with it". DC1 will acquiesce, though it makes watching certain films harder for her.

DC2 typically does not need to pause a film to ask questions. She has no learning differences and is a bright kid, so on this particular night she may have not been paying close attention, and I get that can be annoying, but not enough to storm out over.

The issue was Dad's overreaction and blow up. This comes up a lot. My kids have told me they do not like sharing certain things with their dad because it turns into an argument and he always feels the need to be right, to push and argue until everyone else either gives up or agrees with him. He has issues seeing outside his own purview a lot.

Case in point, DC1 who has depression being told taking antidepressants is a sign of weakness. Despite the fact that DH has untreated depression and is miserable. DC2 has a close friend who is trans - DH refused to call this kid by name or use preferred pronouns because he "does not agree with it". I could give a lot of examples where DH becomes confrontational or chooses to get angry over others not seeing things his way.

He perceives anyone disagreeing with him as a personal affront and stews over it. It always comes down to "if you don't agree with me, you're wrong". THAT is at the crux of the problem here, and sadly, my kids have started distancing somewhat from him.

I think at the core, it's not about the movie watching. It's about the tiptoeing around DH on not just movies but whatever it is that he doesn't "agree with".

[Anonymous]

I think of it this way - I love cooking. I am an excellent cook and have well-honed skills. When I cook with others I sometimes have to change things to accommodate their abilities so it’s still nice for all of us. I could push them out and do it alone but the way I want or I can work with them and enjoy the process together.

Your DH’s tantrum is self-absorbed and immature and he’s clearly not very considerate of others.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Haven’t read all the replies but demanding subtitles (which are very distracting) and then still not being able to follow the movie and needing to stop it to discuss is extremely annoying.

You’re in the wrong here.

However, now that DH has figured out that his family is too slow and inconsiderate to watch a movie with him, he’s in the wrong if he asks again.

Eh we watch everything with sub-titles pretty much. So many movies have the sound mixed soo poorly that the explosions are super loud yet you can’t hear the dialog at all. That said this isn’t about the subtitles at all. What kind of person throws a fit during a movie that they have already seen and storms out of the room over pausing the movie a few times and asking to turn on sub-titles. Pausing the movie to ask questions or turning on subtitles is probably a level 2 or 3 out of 10, actually throwing a fit and leaving the room is 10 out of 10 bad behavior.

Because his family sounds annoying AF and it's probably dawning on him. Who would want to watch a movie that way?

To small kids, yes. Even my much younger kids are not annoying like this. They can watch and enjoy movies with out all this nonsense.
Are you even a parent? There are at least 50,000 other items on the list of annoying things about being a parent that are worse than this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Because his family sounds annoying AF and it's probably dawning on him. Who would want to watch a movie that way?

A parent who has already seen the movie might.

No, they wouldn't. This is not appropriate movie watching behavior. These "kids" need to be more considerate of others. My mom is annoying like this. Throughout the whole movie "Who is that guy?" "Why is he doing that?" and "I thought they were married" when actually if she would shut up and just pay attention it might all make sense.

[Anonymous]

My kid with ADHD and receptive language issues also needs subtitles to be able to follow fast dialogue. It’s not uncommon. The truth is that almost everyone has some kind of quirk that others find “annoying” but if you love someone you deal with it.

The great irony of rigidity as a personality trait is that is highly heritable but that it’s unlikely offspring will be rigid about the same things in the same way. Conflict is almost inevitable.

But OP, you’ve been living this way for decades—I can’t believe people on this board would really be able to give you any real insight. At this point, the relationship pattern is largely set.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My DH has been urging myself and 2 kids to watch "Knives Out". He loved it and thought we would too. Wanted to share it with us.

Issue 1- Both kids (young adults) prefer watching movies at home with captions on. Older child is very much a visual learner and has issues with extended listening in some scenarios - ie action movies fine, in depth movies, she is a slower processor and text helps.

Issue 2 - We started the movie and several times Younger Child asked to pause it to ask a question, i.e. Which character is that? Is so and so the other character's son, etc. None of this was bothering me or other Child, we were enjoying the discussion.

DH was getting very mad. First, he insisted on no captions / subtitles onscreen - that they distract him. So they were turned off though the rest of us prefer them. "Learn to use your ears, you don't have captions in a movie theatre, deal with it" is his opinion Then anytime DD would pause the movie to ask a question, he'd get upset. "Stop pausing it, it is a MYSTERY, you're supposed to be confused, just wait and listen and you will figure it out!"

He was up and about during the movie but three times we were chastised for pausing / asking questions. The last time he got angry and stormed off to the basement because we were ruining it for him. Note - he had already seen the film.

I get that some folks do not want distraction or interruption during a film - but DH had already seen it! Afterwards kids and I talked about learning modalities and how some people are easily distracted, other need quiet, others need to verbalize, etc. Kids agreed that if we were all watching the sequel for the first time that they would refrain from conversation for DH's sake, but older child said that she could probably not enjoy that kind of film without captions or being able to stop for clarification, and might choose to bow out otherwise.

Went to talk to DH afterwards, to see if we could find a compromise and he was still angry. Said we were all smart enough to figure it out if we'd just listen, but he hates being interrupted, ever, but especially after he asked us repeatedly to be quiet.

I will say he is also depressed, not interested in counseling, and says he just doesn't fit in anywhere and should just entertain himself in the basement. Suggested playing a family game instead, but he is still smarting over the movie and feeling disrespected / out of synch with the rest of us and was not interested in coming back up. 😕

So do we just avoid movies? The kids are wary to do certain activities with Dad because they feel he can get very "my way or the highway". Sometimes he's great, other times, major friction that leaves everyone feeling bad, especially him.

Suggestions?

That’s so incredibly annoying. I would be irritated too.

[Anonymous]

It seems as though the kids agreed to watch the movie as a favor to their dad, and his way of acknowledging it was to get mad because they were doing it wrong.

What was he hoping to get out of this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I could hardly read the original posting because I almost could have wrote it. Not movies but other stuff. A husband who doesn’t want to accept or work on his own neurodiversity/mental health/relationships with others. Kids who have their own neurodiversity. A Mom who tries to reasonably work things through but isn’t a therapist and is pained to see hurt feelings.

I hate to say this OP but you have to decide if you want to battle this. Today the movies, tomorrow something else. And then you get to the point that everything is hard and frustrating. You can take a camel to water but you can’t make it drink. You want cooperative and supportive parenting but you aren’t likely to get it because the other parent is “my way or the highway” trying to shove kids into a desired mold. In the end it leaves your kids with an empty space in their hearts feeling like they are a disappointment when the reality is the parent needed to have more compassion.

At some point you will wonder if it’s all with it. I decided to shelter my kids. Single parenting is no joke and no parent should ever be bad mouthed or denied access to a child. But stop, look and listen. Would your kids be better just with you?

People can suggest therapy for DH but that only works if he’ll embrace it. Chances are he won’t. And if won’t - what does that say about his commitment to his kids? I found out it could fit in the palm on my hand.

DP. Thanks for posting. You've summed up a lot of my own thoughts. I would also like to point out that living with someone with untreated mental illness is risky for one's own mental health.

OP it’s worth telling you how it ended. It might shade your opinion but enough people I know IRL are on here so I won’t share the tale publicly. I am at [e-mail] if I want to vent. I get you.

[Anonymous]

Oh that did no look right. Was meant to address OP. That is not OP writing. Sorry OP!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP again. It is hard for us to find movies we all like. Kids have watched Marvel movies and comedies with DH with no problem. Older kid does have some special needs - (And for PP who insisted that slow processing speed is a scam - my kid has had two rounds of educational evaluations in HS - but did NOT use testing accommodations. She has more issues with auditory learning and was allowed a tape recorder to help with notes - she does not process auditorially as fast as other kids, esp in lectures. She is a fine test taker and reader.) She can watch a movie without subtitles, but for very talky films, subtitles do help.

In this situation, older kid would have appreciated having subtitles on but acquiesced to Dad's wishes. Kids find it hard to connect with Dad. For example, Dad wanted to share with them an old series he loved as a boy with them. Older DD watched it with him though it was not really her cup of tea. Dad was very bitter when younger DD bowed out of series after watching over 20 episodes. This show had almost 50 episodes and DH was very disappointed younger DD did not sit through the entire series with him. He takes that very personally.

We do not watch a lot of movies together as a family because he has different tastes - action and comedies only. If I want to see something outside that, I go alone as he is not interested. The kids do not typically pause movies to ask questions. Not sure why the younger one did with this one today, other than perhaps tiredness keeping her from following along attentively.

But both girls get frustrated with their dad's "my way or the highway" mode. They often do not like playing games with him as he is very competitive and often wants to take over when in the past we have done things like escape rooms.

He's a very black / white sort of person with not a lot of gray. For example, he cannot easily visit with his mom because they are very different politically, and he cannot just have a civil debate with her, he feels the need to win the argument and gets upset when he cannot convince her of where she is "wrong" - where I can mostly just go the "agree to disagree" or step away from it route.

I want DH to have a better relationship with our kids, because they love him but feel that his rigidity in always having to be "right" / do it his way, makes him hard to deal with.

Seems like there are many accommodations made for the children but little for DH. Why can’t the child finish the series because it would mean a lot to the dad? Why can’t grown adults hold their questions until the end of the movie to see if they actually watch it those questions would get answered instead of interrupting the movie every few minutes. You and your kids make doing things together really frustrating and want DH to do it your way all the time and if he wants to watch a move without all the drama, you call him an ahole.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP again. It is hard for us to find movies we all like. Kids have watched Marvel movies and comedies with DH with no problem. Older kid does have some special needs - (And for PP who insisted that slow processing speed is a scam - my kid has had two rounds of educational evaluations in HS - but did NOT use testing accommodations. She has more issues with auditory learning and was allowed a tape recorder to help with notes - she does not process auditorially as fast as other kids, esp in lectures. She is a fine test taker and reader.) She can watch a movie without subtitles, but for very talky films, subtitles do help.

In this situation, older kid would have appreciated having subtitles on but acquiesced to Dad's wishes. Kids find it hard to connect with Dad. For example, Dad wanted to share with them an old series he loved as a boy with them. Older DD watched it with him though it was not really her cup of tea. Dad was very bitter when younger DD bowed out of series after watching over 20 episodes. This show had almost 50 episodes and DH was very disappointed younger DD did not sit through the entire series with him. He takes that very personally.

We do not watch a lot of movies together as a family because he has different tastes - action and comedies only. If I want to see something outside that, I go alone as he is not interested. The kids do not typically pause movies to ask questions. Not sure why the younger one did with this one today, other than perhaps tiredness keeping her from following along attentively.

But both girls get frustrated with their dad's "my way or the highway" mode. They often do not like playing games with him as he is very competitive and often wants to take over when in the past we have done things like escape rooms.

He's a very black / white sort of person with not a lot of gray. For example, he cannot easily visit with his mom because they are very different politically, and he cannot just have a civil debate with her, he feels the need to win the argument and gets upset when he cannot convince her of where she is "wrong" - where I can mostly just go the "agree to disagree" or step away from it route.

I want DH to have a better relationship with our kids, because they love him but feel that his rigidity in always having to be "right" / do it his way, makes him hard to deal with.

Seems like there are many accommodations made for the children but little for DH. Why can’t the child finish the series because it would mean a lot to the dad? Why can’t grown adults hold their questions until the end of the movie to see if they actually watch it those questions would get answered instead of interrupting the movie every few minutes. You and your kids make doing things together really frustrating and want DH to do it your way all the time and if he wants to watch a move without all the drama, you call him an ahole.

Do you have children? You write like someone who does not have teens, let alone young adults. You called the children here “grown adults.” For starters why should a grown adult sit through 30 episodes of a show for a father who makes no accommodations for them?

OP, I’ve noticed that you have you not mentioned your kids ages. I suspect that’s so you don’t hear more about proper movie behavior. But it makes me think they are older and the days of you trying to manage their relationship with their father is long over. Your DH won’t change so it strikes that you are the only one who can change. Your DH sounds incredibly unpleasant and I have a hard believing he is a good spouse. But assuming you stay with him, then I think you need to find ways to keep up your relationships with your daughters when they stop coming home.

[Anonymous]

Your DH sounds like he has Asperger's or is an a-hole.

I would divorce him. What are you getting out of this relationship?