Movie blow up - WWYD?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

My DH is very smart - off the charts IQ. Oldest is twice exceptional, very high IQ, even higher SATs than dad but slow processing. Younger is very bright, honors/AP student but a chatterbox. This is less about IQ and more about control.

DH is one to say "everything would be better if people would just listen to me!" And "I'm right, and if other people did it my way, they'd see that." He can be very rigid and is not one to want to compromise.

He does not connect well with the kids - he can be very judgy. Told older child this morning, who is on antidepressants, that drugs are a crutch and that she needs to learn to do without them. He eschews therapy. And yet he is very depressed, feels he does not connect with people - anywhere. He often complains that he is easily bored and finds socializing a chore - even with his own extended family. He complains about lack of connection but has very high expectations and is constantly disappointed with others - and himself. 😞

Oh. Do everyone is high functioning autism formerly Asperger's. This explains so much. No advice but you have my empathy

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Team DH. My DS and DH do exactly this - insist on subtitles and talk through/pause the movie. It is annoying as sh*t!! I’m sorry but barring a hearing problem, you need to just watch the movie as intended. The DH may have other issues and perhaps could have reacted better, but y’all were acting extremely vexatiously.

The DH had already seen the movie. He wanted it watched only on his terms. OP is crystal clear that one child usually wants, in fact needs, closed captioning turned on (and one does NOT have to have a "hearing problem" to need it on, despite what you think, PP). The repeated questions and stopping and starting would have irked me as well, but the DH's reaction was childish, going off in a huff, like a kid taking his toys and stalking away to play alone. He handled it immaturely and put FAR too much weight on the movie night going exactly as he had expected.

OP, he needs to accept he requires some help. You know this isn't the only example you could give. I'd use this as a way to say, our family life can't go on with you departing for the basement and insisting you'll just do everything alone, whenever our young adult children don't react exactly as you would prefer. Time for professional help for your depression and lack of flexibiility, and you will need to participate fully .in getting that help, including possibly meds. (Since you say that he's depressed but doesn't want treatment.)

to watch a movie the way the rest of the world does it (no captions, no pausing) is not “his terms”. It’s a normal expectation. If you want to watch a movie in an irritating way, you need to negotiate that ahead of time.

Even if this were about the movie (which it wasn’t), it sounds like no one else really wanted to watch it. DH was the one pushing everyone to watch the movie, knowing they like to watch movies differently than he does. He had to keep urging them to do it.

If they’re used to watching tv and movies with captions on, he’s the one asking them to make a change. My kids do the same thing. It helps them process the dialogue. Why would I want to watch a movie with someone who can’t keep up with what’s being said? Why would I urge someone to watch a movie but in a way they won’t enjoy it? That seems selfish.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

My DH is very smart - off the charts IQ. Oldest is twice exceptional, very high IQ, even higher SATs than dad but slow processing. Younger is very bright, honors/AP student but a chatterbox. This is less about IQ and more about control.

DH is one to say "everything would be better if people would just listen to me!" And "I'm right, and if other people did it my way, they'd see that." He can be very rigid and is not one to want to compromise.

He does not connect well with the kids - he can be very judgy. Told older child this morning, who is on antidepressants, that drugs are a crutch and that she needs to learn to do without them. He eschews therapy. And yet he is very depressed, feels he does not connect with people - anywhere. He often complains that he is easily bored and finds socializing a chore - even with his own extended family. He complains about lack of connection but has very high expectations and is constantly disappointed with others - and himself. 😞

Oh. Do everyone is high functioning autism formerly Asperger's. This explains so much. No advice but you have my empathy

I was thinking the same thing (sounds like my DH and DS) but no one else brought it up so I didn’t. We don’t watch a lot of movies as a family because it’s stressful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

My DH is very smart - off the charts IQ. Oldest is twice exceptional, very high IQ, even higher SATs than dad but slow processing. Younger is very bright, honors/AP student but a chatterbox. This is less about IQ and more about control.

DH is one to say "everything would be better if people would just listen to me!" And "I'm right, and if other people did it my way, they'd see that." He can be very rigid and is not one to want to compromise.

He does not connect well with the kids - he can be very judgy. Told older child this morning, who is on antidepressants, that drugs are a crutch and that she needs to learn to do without them. He eschews therapy. And yet he is very depressed, feels he does not connect with people - anywhere. He often complains that he is easily bored and finds socializing a chore - even with his own extended family. He complains about lack of connection but has very high expectations and is constantly disappointed with others - and himself. 😞

Yeah this is NOT about the movie y'all tried to watch this weekend.

Your husband sounds cold, judgmental, and humorless. It sounds like he never really learned how to participate in typical social things. Has he always been like this with the kids? What is he like with you? Has he always been like this?

It is NOT typical to insist on subtitles (with normal hearing) or to disrupt the movie by pausing or talking over it. In fact that is very rude.

I loathe having subtitles on unless I want them for some reason (like I have to keep the volume very low), but everyone here is ignoring the fact OP says one of their kids has a processing issue where reading dialogue is necessary to fully getting what's going on. I wish people would stop focusing on these kinds of details like subtitles and actually see that the issue is not the movie, the subtitles or the stopping or the questions (any of which can be very irritating). The real, larger issue is buried in the post. OP's DH has depression and doesn't want to deal with his depression. Of course he's set off by things that otherwise would be a pain. And he turned it into a big, immature hissy fit.

the “slow processing, high IQ” thing is almost always a fake to get extended testing time. It’s not an actual learning disability.

WRONG. Stop spreading lies and disinformation. It's akin to hate speech targeting individuals with special needs. You are minimizing their lived experience and denying that they have needs that must be accommodated.


My son has a processing speed measured by a Stixrud psychologist in the 4th percentile compared to the norm. FOURTH percentile. This means 96% of his peers are faster than him. We joke that he'd never get out of a burning building.
He also has an IQ of 130, which is neither here nor there, and certainly is not a consideration for giving him extended time. The determining factor is his PROCESSING SPEED, moron.
He has double time at school. Sometimes it's still not enough. You know, on account that HE'S ACTUALLY, REALLY, SLOW.

Please acquaint yourself with the term "twice exceptional", or "GT/LD" (gifted, talented and learning disabled). These are individuals who test gifted on IQ tests yet also have diagnosable disorders. They are often on the autism spectrum, and many have ADHD.

Montgomery County Public Schools has a GT/LD program, one of the only ones in the country. My son would not be as successful and confident today as a graduating high school senior had we not found the GT/LD program.

SHAME ON YOU.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP here.

My DH is very smart - off the charts IQ. Oldest is twice exceptional, very high IQ, even higher SATs than dad but slow processing. Younger is very bright, honors/AP student but a chatterbox. This is less about IQ and more about control.

DH is one to say "everything would be better if people would just listen to me!" And "I'm right, and if other people did it my way, they'd see that." He can be very rigid and is not one to want to compromise.

He does not connect well with the kids - he can be very judgy. Told older child this morning, who is on antidepressants, that drugs are a crutch and that she needs to learn to do without them. He eschews therapy. And yet he is very depressed, feels he does not connect with people - anywhere. He often complains that he is easily bored and finds socializing a chore - even with his own extended family. He complains about lack of connection but has very high expectations and is constantly disappointed with others - and himself. 😞

Yeah this is NOT about the movie y'all tried to watch this weekend.

Your husband sounds cold, judgmental, and humorless. It sounds like he never really learned how to participate in typical social things. Has he always been like this with the kids? What is he like with you? Has he always been like this?

It is NOT typical to insist on subtitles (with normal hearing) or to disrupt the movie by pausing or talking over it. In fact that is very rude.

I loathe having subtitles on unless I want them for some reason (like I have to keep the volume very low), but everyone here is ignoring the fact OP says one of their kids has a processing issue where reading dialogue is necessary to fully getting what's going on. I wish people would stop focusing on these kinds of details like subtitles and actually see that the issue is not the movie, the subtitles or the stopping or the questions (any of which can be very irritating). The real, larger issue is buried in the post. OP's DH has depression and doesn't want to deal with his depression. Of course he's set off by things that otherwise would be a pain. And he turned it into a big, immature hissy fit.

the “slow processing, high IQ” thing is almost always a fake to get extended testing time. It’s not an actual learning disability.

You have no idea what you’re talking about. Slow processing speed is a very real issue and it has an enormous impact on someone’s life way beyond the tests you think they are trying to game. Seriously, educate yourself.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Also Team DH. If someone in the room kept pausing the movie for anything other than a bathroom emergency, they'd get the remote smacked out of their hand. It does appear nobody else in the room was at all interested in watching the movie that this DH really likes which explains the extreme disappointment. It was obvious that no fun was going to happen from screening this movie.

People have different movie-watching styles. Some want complete silence and no interruptions. For others, talking about the movie as it’s going (and perhaps even pausing/rewinding) is part of the viewing experience. Same with subtitles. Some people can’t stand them, some people need them to follow a movie well (even without an actual hearing impairment), some are indifferent.

When watching a movie in one’s own home, there is no “right” way, there’s just the way each person enjoys it best. If you are going to rigidly insist on watching a movie one way, then you need to accept that it may mean not watching a movie with someone who enjoys movies differently. And that is the problem here - the DH insisted that they all had to watch it together even though they have very different viewing styles, and then threw a tantrum that everyone didn’t enjoy watching it his way.

I also think his expectations for the 11 yo were unrealistic. Just because a movie is rated PG-13 doesn’t mean an 11 yo is going to understand it. The 11yo kept pausing it to ask questions because he wasn’t able to follow it on his own. Dad put him in an impossible situation where he could only fail because dad was demanding that he watch and enjoy a movie that was too sophisticated for him without giving him the opportunity to have it explained to him as it went along. What was the kid supposed to do with that?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You and the kids are super high maintenance. Just watch the movie - like you are in a theatre.. No barking stupid questions. Just watch the movie.

Why even do it together then? The fun part is interacting!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You and the kids are super high maintenance. Just watch the movie - like you are in a theatre.. No barking stupid questions. Just watch the movie.

Why even do it together then? The fun part is interacting!!

+1. If everyone is going to have an isolated move-watching experience, there is no point in insisting everyone do it together. Let them watch it on their own time when they are interested.

[Anonymous]

Maybe next time approach it like a book club! Everybody watch the movie on their own time and however they like, and then later you all get together and discuss it when everybody is in a good mood.

[Anonymous]

This is not about the movie. The solution to this specific issue is that you don’t ever watch movies with DH! I also prefer subtitles and being able to pause. It’s a matter of preference, not one ‘right’ or ‘wrong’ way. It sounds like DH needs therapy, but since he refuses to get it, good luck to you! Hopefully the kids are out of the house now or soon and away from his hateful comments about meds and his temper tantrums.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Also Team DH. If someone in the room kept pausing the movie for anything other than a bathroom emergency, they'd get the remote smacked out of their hand. It does appear nobody else in the room was at all interested in watching the movie that this DH really likes which explains the extreme disappointment. It was obvious that no fun was going to happen from screening this movie.

People have different movie-watching styles. Some want complete silence and no interruptions. For others, talking about the movie as it’s going (and perhaps even pausing/rewinding) is part of the viewing experience. Same with subtitles. Some people can’t stand them, some people need them to follow a movie well (even without an actual hearing impairment), some are indifferent.

When watching a movie in one’s own home, there is no “right” way, there’s just the way each person enjoys it best. If you are going to rigidly insist on watching a movie one way, then you need to accept that it may mean not watching a movie with someone who enjoys movies differently. And that is the problem here - the DH insisted that they all had to watch it together even though they have very different viewing styles, and then threw a tantrum that everyone didn’t enjoy watching it his way.

I also think his expectations for the 11 yo were unrealistic. Just because a movie is rated PG-13 doesn’t mean an 11 yo is going to understand it. The 11yo kept pausing it to ask questions because he wasn’t able to follow it on his own. Dad put him in an impossible situation where he could only fail because dad was demanding that he watch and enjoy a movie that was too sophisticated for him without giving him the opportunity to have it explained to him as it went along. What was the kid supposed to do with that?

There was no 11 year old. OP stated both children are adults and no adult should expect to freely pause and rewind a movie that other people are watching. Allowing that is beyond indulgent. It's not a football game.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m just guessing here, but it seems like dad is disappointed his family isn’t as intelligent as he hoped.

Exactly! I wrote the same on pages 1 and 2

[Anonymous]

OP again. It is hard for us to find movies we all like. Kids have watched Marvel movies and comedies with DH with no problem. Older kid does have some special needs - (And for PP who insisted that slow processing speed is a scam - my kid has had two rounds of educational evaluations in HS - but did NOT use testing accommodations. She has more issues with auditory learning and was allowed a tape recorder to help with notes - she does not process auditorially as fast as other kids, esp in lectures. She is a fine test taker and reader.) She can watch a movie without subtitles, but for very talky films, subtitles do help.

In this situation, older kid would have appreciated having subtitles on but acquiesced to Dad's wishes. Kids find it hard to connect with Dad. For example, Dad wanted to share with them an old series he loved as a boy with them. Older DD watched it with him though it was not really her cup of tea. Dad was very bitter when younger DD bowed out of series after watching over 20 episodes. This show had almost 50 episodes and DH was very disappointed younger DD did not sit through the entire series with him. He takes that very personally.

We do not watch a lot of movies together as a family because he has different tastes - action and comedies only. If I want to see something outside that, I go alone as he is not interested. The kids do not typically pause movies to ask questions. Not sure why the younger one did with this one today, other than perhaps tiredness keeping her from following along attentively.

But both girls get frustrated with their dad's "my way or the highway" mode. They often do not like playing games with him as he is very competitive and often wants to take over when in the past we have done things like escape rooms.

He's a very black / white sort of person with not a lot of gray. For example, he cannot easily visit with his mom because they are very different politically, and he cannot just have a civil debate with her, he feels the need to win the argument and gets upset when he cannot convince her of where she is "wrong" - where I can mostly just go the "agree to disagree" or step away from it route.

I want DH to have a better relationship with our kids, because they love him but feel that his rigidity in always having to be "right" / do it his way, makes him hard to deal with.

[Anonymous]

It's too late now, but your dh should have taken a parenting class so he wpukd have known to lower his expectations when dealing with kuds, understandvthe world from their perspective, know to drop his rigid "my way or the highway" mentality.

[Anonymous]

Husband sounds like a d*ck but I would be annoyed with the constant pausing and asking questions too.