Feel terrible about my finances after reading this site

[Anonymous]

Your daughter is an American. She won't be helping you and isn't your retirement plan. She'll likely barely survive and support a family. Just realities of being a young person in the US.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I agree that you probably are just fine! This site is very skewed. My recommendation is to start maxing your retirement accounts. This adds up fast and you still have time. So maxing means putting the max you are allowed by the government into your 401k which for 2023 is $22,500. It may sound like a lot but since it’s tax free when it goes in (you do pay taxes when you take it out) you won’t see as big of a hit to your paycheck as you think. If you are still r eligible for an IRA, put the max in there too when you can. Now is a good time to start maxing these things as the market is lower than it’s been so when it goes back up in a few years that money will really work for you and becomes more and more. Do this every year, keep paying your mortgage, you will have a nice nest egg.

You have sacrificed a lot, that is for sure. I think the only thing I would remember is that having a pressure on your daughter and feeling like it’s tit for tat won’t be healthy for your relationship. And at the end of the day, our relationships are all we really have. So try to find a balance with those expectations that maintains a healthy relationship with your daughter. Breaking the cycle of everyone feeling like they have to constantly be in sacrifice mode can be one of the gifts of living here. Not sure that makes any sense. But it’s not the cycle you want to aim for I think. You have created the opportunity for financial freedom for your family - you’ve got this. You have a great nest egg started, you have a great salary now, now you just have to put your focus on funneling savings to retirement and then make some good choices at retirement to keep living expenses down. Remember you will also have social security coming.

This forum makes almost anyone feel behind. You got this! If you need help consult a FEE BASED financial advisor. Fee based means you pay them a small fee for some advice to make sure you’re on track etc, but not someone to manage your investments and take a cut it doesn’t sound like you need that now and it’s usually not advised (just takes from your gains) unless things are complicated.

I don’t understand this. I sacrificed for my daughter so I expect her to as well.

Then you shouldn’t have brought her to the US where we don’t condone treating children like indentured servants.

Troll

DP but that poster is not a troll. Money flows down generations in this country, not up. All of his daughters friends will be receiving parental help, not giving it. How will she feel then? Resentful.

The vast majority of Americans do not receive parental help after college.

And some don’t even get that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I agree that you probably are just fine! This site is very skewed. My recommendation is to start maxing your retirement accounts. This adds up fast and you still have time. So maxing means putting the max you are allowed by the government into your 401k which for 2023 is $22,500. It may sound like a lot but since it’s tax free when it goes in (you do pay taxes when you take it out) you won’t see as big of a hit to your paycheck as you think. If you are still r eligible for an IRA, put the max in there too when you can. Now is a good time to start maxing these things as the market is lower than it’s been so when it goes back up in a few years that money will really work for you and becomes more and more. Do this every year, keep paying your mortgage, you will have a nice nest egg.

You have sacrificed a lot, that is for sure. I think the only thing I would remember is that having a pressure on your daughter and feeling like it’s tit for tat won’t be healthy for your relationship. And at the end of the day, our relationships are all we really have. So try to find a balance with those expectations that maintains a healthy relationship with your daughter. Breaking the cycle of everyone feeling like they have to constantly be in sacrifice mode can be one of the gifts of living here. Not sure that makes any sense. But it’s not the cycle you want to aim for I think. You have created the opportunity for financial freedom for your family - you’ve got this. You have a great nest egg started, you have a great salary now, now you just have to put your focus on funneling savings to retirement and then make some good choices at retirement to keep living expenses down. Remember you will also have social security coming.

This forum makes almost anyone feel behind. You got this! If you need help consult a FEE BASED financial advisor. Fee based means you pay them a small fee for some advice to make sure you’re on track etc, but not someone to manage your investments and take a cut it doesn’t sound like you need that now and it’s usually not advised (just takes from your gains) unless things are complicated.

I don’t understand this. I sacrificed for my daughter so I expect her to as well.

Then you shouldn’t have brought her to the US where we don’t condone treating children like indentured servants.

Troll

DP but that poster is not a troll. Money flows down generations in this country, not up. All of his daughters friends will be receiving parental help, not giving it. How will she feel then? Resentful.

The vast majority of Americans do not receive parental help after college.

Ivy education Wall Street bankers are not “the majority of Americans.”

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is a troll - they say they are not fluent in English but their posts read fluent.

Not that weird. I can write much more fluently in a second language than I can speak it.

But probably not with the colloquialisms that OP has been using. He is either a troll or it's a daughter pretending to be her parents to stir up the argument around supporting them in retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP is a troll - they say they are not fluent in English but their posts read fluent.

Not that weird. I can write much more fluently in a second language than I can speak it.

This person also has a PhD. Pretty much every foreign PhD I've ever met can write in English fine.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

I cannot imagine asking my parents to take out loans in their name of any kind for me to go to college. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I was going into my portal and paying my own tuition bill each semester.

Thank you. Yes, taking out a 401k loan means that my daughter has at least some obligation to support me in retirement.

I don’t understand? You said you took out a 30k loan. That is such a small amount. If she is working on Wall Street she can pay that back quickly.If coming out of you 401k then she pays you and you put in another savings vehicle. I don’t see why this small amount makes her obligated to support you in retirement? I read where people use all of their home equity or drain accounts for 100-200k but 30k seems quite small to make much difference in retirement, and where others have said if your wife did something she could easily make 10k a year and in 3 yrs you would have the 30k back.

Well, you also have to consider the huge loss in earning potential we made when we moved to America and sacrificed everything (such as the upper end of my salary potential or my wife’s salary) just for my daughter.

Your wife did not have to give up working. Tons of immigrant women who don’t speak English work full time, including when they have small children. That was beneath your wife, but it make no mistake, it was a choice. It IS still a choice.

[Anonymous]

As your daughter I’d write you a check for $33K (maybe $40K so you can’t whine about interest) and then change my phone number and never speak to you again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As your daughter I’d write you a check for $33K (maybe $40K so you can’t whine about interest) and then change my phone number and never speak to you again.

Same but I’m sure she suffers from a lifetime of guilt and brainwashing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I agree that you probably are just fine! This site is very skewed. My recommendation is to start maxing your retirement accounts. This adds up fast and you still have time. So maxing means putting the max you are allowed by the government into your 401k which for 2023 is $22,500. It may sound like a lot but since it’s tax free when it goes in (you do pay taxes when you take it out) you won’t see as big of a hit to your paycheck as you think. If you are still r eligible for an IRA, put the max in there too when you can. Now is a good time to start maxing these things as the market is lower than it’s been so when it goes back up in a few years that money will really work for you and becomes more and more. Do this every year, keep paying your mortgage, you will have a nice nest egg.

You have sacrificed a lot, that is for sure. I think the only thing I would remember is that having a pressure on your daughter and feeling like it’s tit for tat won’t be healthy for your relationship. And at the end of the day, our relationships are all we really have. So try to find a balance with those expectations that maintains a healthy relationship with your daughter. Breaking the cycle of everyone feeling like they have to constantly be in sacrifice mode can be one of the gifts of living here. Not sure that makes any sense. But it’s not the cycle you want to aim for I think. You have created the opportunity for financial freedom for your family - you’ve got this. You have a great nest egg started, you have a great salary now, now you just have to put your focus on funneling savings to retirement and then make some good choices at retirement to keep living expenses down. Remember you will also have social security coming.

This forum makes almost anyone feel behind. You got this! If you need help consult a FEE BASED financial advisor. Fee based means you pay them a small fee for some advice to make sure you’re on track etc, but not someone to manage your investments and take a cut it doesn’t sound like you need that now and it’s usually not advised (just takes from your gains) unless things are complicated.

I don’t understand this. I sacrificed for my daughter so I expect her to as well.

Then you shouldn’t have brought her to the US where we don’t condone treating children like indentured servants.

Troll

DP but that poster is not a troll. Money flows down generations in this country, not up. All of his daughters friends will be receiving parental help, not giving it. How will she feel then? Resentful.

Obviously that person is a troll. “Indentured servants” “slaves”

Many people in the US support their aging parents. It’s not unique to immigrants.

My parents sacrificed for my education and I’m doing what I can to help them today.

But did you choose to do so of your own free will or did your parents inform you that because they had helped pay for your college you were now obligated to support both of them indefinitely in their retirement? Sounds a lot like indentured servitude to me. Not a troll at all just disgusted by op and any parent who goes into a relationship with their children with a quid pro quo mentality.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As your daughter I’d write you a check for $33K (maybe $40K so you can’t whine about interest) and then change my phone number and never speak to you again.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you retire to your home country? Will the cost of living there be less expensive where you can buy something outright with the proceeds from your home here and live off of social security? If your kid was born and raised in the US, it is not customary here for kids to pay for parents living expenses in retirement, so you cannot count on her paying those expenses.

You also have about 20 years to now concentrate on putting away money for your own retirement. In your situation you do not get to retire at 60. Max out everything you can for now and continue living frugally.

My home country is S. Korea. Anyone who knows the situation there understands that it’s a terrible place to retire.

Sure, it’s not expected for white Americans to pay for their parents retirement. But most Koreans do. Including the second-gen Korean-Americans we know in the DMV.

why is S. Korea a terrible place to retire? I'm curious.

I'm Korean American, but I came to the US as a baby so I have no clue what S. Korea is really like. I have never been there since. But, from what my friends/family who have been there have told me, S. Korea can be a great place to retire for Koreans. Housing in Seoul is expensive, but not in other cities. Why can't you retire in a lcol in S. Korea?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

I cannot imagine asking my parents to take out loans in their name of any kind for me to go to college. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I was going into my portal and paying my own tuition bill each semester.

Thank you. Yes, taking out a 401k loan means that my daughter has at least some obligation to support me in retirement.

I don’t understand? You said you took out a 30k loan. That is such a small amount. If she is working on Wall Street she can pay that back quickly.If coming out of you 401k then she pays you and you put in another savings vehicle. I don’t see why this small amount makes her obligated to support you in retirement? I read where people use all of their home equity or drain accounts for 100-200k but 30k seems quite small to make much difference in retirement, and where others have said if your wife did something she could easily make 10k a year and in 3 yrs you would have the 30k back.

Well, you also have to consider the huge loss in earning potential we made when we moved to America and sacrificed everything (such as the upper end of my salary potential or my wife’s salary) just for my daughter.

If you had such a great life and earning potential in S Korea you wouldn’t have moved to the us in the first place or be so against the idea of moving back for retirement. You did it for yourself and you sound like a terrible parent.

[Anonymous]

You are full of excuses for both you and your wife not making a true effort to earn and save as needed. Have you considered your child may be full of excuses as to why she will not save her earnings to support your wishes.

[Anonymous]

Op, you are fine. You have options. I find it funny that young Americans want their parents to help them for child raising, money for college, etc, but are horrified when they have to take care of parents,

Financial help us a two way street. Parents help their young kids, adult children help their elderly parents. That is normal around the world but not in US.

[Anonymous]

This is between you and your daughter.

Are you going to receive social security?