Feel terrible about my finances after reading this site

[Anonymous]

You have $700k equity and $400k in a retirement fund and still at least 10 to 15 years that you can work/ keep saving. That seems fine for a modest retirement. DCUM is not realistic and you will find that many people are exaggerating about their finances. Now that your daughter is grown, your wife can work doing something.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I agree that you probably are just fine! This site is very skewed. My recommendation is to start maxing your retirement accounts. This adds up fast and you still have time. So maxing means putting the max you are allowed by the government into your 401k which for 2023 is $22,500. It may sound like a lot but since it’s tax free when it goes in (you do pay taxes when you take it out) you won’t see as big of a hit to your paycheck as you think. If you are still r eligible for an IRA, put the max in there too when you can. Now is a good time to start maxing these things as the market is lower than it’s been so when it goes back up in a few years that money will really work for you and becomes more and more. Do this every year, keep paying your mortgage, you will have a nice nest egg.

You have sacrificed a lot, that is for sure. I think the only thing I would remember is that having a pressure on your daughter and feeling like it’s tit for tat won’t be healthy for your relationship. And at the end of the day, our relationships are all we really have. So try to find a balance with those expectations that maintains a healthy relationship with your daughter. Breaking the cycle of everyone feeling like they have to constantly be in sacrifice mode can be one of the gifts of living here. Not sure that makes any sense. But it’s not the cycle you want to aim for I think. You have created the opportunity for financial freedom for your family - you’ve got this. You have a great nest egg started, you have a great salary now, now you just have to put your focus on funneling savings to retirement and then make some good choices at retirement to keep living expenses down. Remember you will also have social security coming.

This forum makes almost anyone feel behind. You got this! If you need help consult a FEE BASED financial advisor. Fee based means you pay them a small fee for some advice to make sure you’re on track etc, but not someone to manage your investments and take a cut it doesn’t sound like you need that now and it’s usually not advised (just takes from your gains) unless things are complicated.

I don’t understand this. I sacrificed for my daughter so I expect her to as well.

Pp here. We have different perspectives, that’s ok I understand I can’t begin to understand your experience and what you gave up to come here. I guess my perspective is just on how to build family wealth and I think you could do that and set your family up for generations by using the nest egg you have and building on it over the next 10 years and then living a decent retirment off of it rather than adding that pressure to your daughter even if she may be of course willing to sacrifice for you. I’m sure she will in many ways to take care of you, I’m just talking about financially.

Also the reason you are getting different responses on how much you should save because everyone will have different expenses in retirement and therefore different amounts they need to save. The pp that said you should try to map out your expenses is spot on. Once you know what expenses will be in retirement you can plan better from there what you’ll need. Also do it listen to the guy that said downsize to the condo. They are not good investments and at this time your home is a great asset. I was trying to be supportive but it seems you only took the part where I had a different perspective on one aspect. I hope you can take some of the helpful parts of the advice given on this thread and leave the parts you disagree with

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Op, you are fine. You have options. I find it funny that young Americans want their parents to help them for child raising, money for college, etc, but are horrified when they have to take care of parents,

Financial help us a two way street. Parents help their young kids, adult children help their elderly parents. That is normal around the world but not in US.

Yes, exactly. Kids are obligated to support their parents, especially if they took out a loan to pay for their kid’s college.

Again, most second-gen Korean-Americans in this area support their parents in retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is between you and your daughter.

Are you going to receive social security?

Yes, I will be. But won’t that run out by the time I’m in retirement?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As your daughter I’d write you a check for $33K (maybe $40K so you can’t whine about interest) and then change my phone number and never speak to you again.

Same but I’m sure she suffers from a lifetime of guilt and brainwashing.

Americans are so strange and silly. In most cultures around the world, children pay it back by supporting their elderly parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Can you retire to your home country? Will the cost of living there be less expensive where you can buy something outright with the proceeds from your home here and live off of social security? If your kid was born and raised in the US, it is not customary here for kids to pay for parents living expenses in retirement, so you cannot count on her paying those expenses.

You also have about 20 years to now concentrate on putting away money for your own retirement. In your situation you do not get to retire at 60. Max out everything you can for now and continue living frugally.

My home country is S. Korea. Anyone who knows the situation there understands that it’s a terrible place to retire.

Sure, it’s not expected for white Americans to pay for their parents retirement. But most Koreans do. Including the second-gen Korean-Americans we know in the DMV.

why is S. Korea a terrible place to retire? I'm curious.

I'm Korean American, but I came to the US as a baby so I have no clue what S. Korea is really like. I have never been there since. But, from what my friends/family who have been there have told me, S. Korea can be a great place to retire for Koreans. Housing in Seoul is expensive, but not in other cities. Why can't you retire in a lcol in S. Korea?

I'm Korean American and have gone back to live in Korea for periods of time. It's an amazing country! I prefer many things about it to the U.S., to be honest, though agree the school situation is challenging for kids so it was probably a smart move to come here.

But for retirement, I think it would be great! In fact I remember somewhere on this site there was a thread by someone asking if they should go back to Korea to retire and they got some good info, if you want to search for it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op, you are fine. You have options. I find it funny that young Americans want their parents to help them for child raising, money for college, etc, but are horrified when they have to take care of parents,

Financial help us a two way street. Parents help their young kids, adult children help their elderly parents. That is normal around the world but not in US.

Yes, exactly. Kids are obligated to support their parents, especially if they took out a loan to pay for their kid’s college.

Again, most second-gen Korean-Americans in this area support their parents in retirement.

I think it depends. I know many Korean American families where the parents who immigrated 30-40 years ago are now quite well off with their houses they bought in Bethesda or wherever that are now worth $2+ million, and they are now helping their grandchildren paying for private school, etc.

But agree in general it is cultural for Asians to take care of their parents if needed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

I cannot imagine asking my parents to take out loans in their name of any kind for me to go to college. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I was going into my portal and paying my own tuition bill each semester.

Thank you. Yes, taking out a 401k loan means that my daughter has at least some obligation to support me in retirement.

I don’t understand? You said you took out a 30k loan. That is such a small amount. If she is working on Wall Street she can pay that back quickly.If coming out of you 401k then she pays you and you put in another savings vehicle. I don’t see why this small amount makes her obligated to support you in retirement? I read where people use all of their home equity or drain accounts for 100-200k but 30k seems quite small to make much difference in retirement, and where others have said if your wife did something she could easily make 10k a year and in 3 yrs you would have the 30k back.

Well, you also have to consider the huge loss in earning potential we made when we moved to America and sacrificed everything (such as the upper end of my salary potential or my wife’s salary) just for my daughter.

If you had such a great life and earning potential in S Korea you wouldn’t have moved to the us in the first place or be so against the idea of moving back for retirement. You did it for yourself and you sound like a terrible parent.

I don’t think that OP is a terrible parent. I think most people cannot comprehend how immigrants have to struggle here. Especially if you are white collar worker who is being exploited due to h 1 b visa. Years working for subsistence pay and unable to work to supplement income puts people in terrible economic situation.

Op, you have done great. Obviously your kid is very successful, you have equity, a good income and no debt. With social security, toh will be able to live quite well. I know so many retirees who have bought houses in Potomac with their adult children and have improved their finances. You must look at opportunities that can be a win-win for your entire family. Your grandkids included. You are in the right trajectory. The fact that you were exploited and underpaid should not make you sad. Lots of Scientists, researchers, engineers from Asia get similarly exploited here. But, your kid is doing well and your kid and you, together leapfrog into generational wealth in another 10 years if you plan correctly.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Stop reading this website, it's not realistic. Go read CNBC or something else and you'll see you're far better off than the vast majority of people in this country.

DP. The vast majority of the country lives in places that are cheaper than here. Also, just because the vast majority are going to be screwed in retirement, that isn't the standard I want to measure myself by.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:This is between you and your daughter.

Are you going to receive social security?

Yes, I will be. But won’t that run out by the time I’m in retirement?

No.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As your daughter I’d write you a check for $33K (maybe $40K so you can’t whine about interest) and then change my phone number and never speak to you again.

Same but I’m sure she suffers from a lifetime of guilt and brainwashing.

Americans are so strange and silly. In most cultures around the world, children pay it back by supporting their elderly parents.

And no one forced op to move to America.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

I cannot imagine asking my parents to take out loans in their name of any kind for me to go to college. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I was going into my portal and paying my own tuition bill each semester.

Thank you. Yes, taking out a 401k loan means that my daughter has at least some obligation to support me in retirement.

I don’t understand? You said you took out a 30k loan. That is such a small amount. If she is working on Wall Street she can pay that back quickly.If coming out of you 401k then she pays you and you put in another savings vehicle. I don’t see why this small amount makes her obligated to support you in retirement? I read where people use all of their home equity or drain accounts for 100-200k but 30k seems quite small to make much difference in retirement, and where others have said if your wife did something she could easily make 10k a year and in 3 yrs you would have the 30k back.

Well, you also have to consider the huge loss in earning potential we made when we moved to America and sacrificed everything (such as the upper end of my salary potential or my wife’s salary) just for my daughter.

Your wife did not have to give up working. Tons of immigrant women who don’t speak English work full time, including when they have small children. That was beneath your wife, but it make no mistake, it was a choice. It IS still a choice.

This is the part that I don't understand. Why doesn't your wife want to work? What has she been doing all day since your daughter left for college? I would think it would be boring and isolating to be home all day if OP is at work and she doesn't speak English.

Getting even a part-time "fun" kind of retail job could be a good chance to learn more English in addition to earning some money! Seriously, what else is she doing with her time?

[Anonymous]

Didn’t read all replies. But ask your employer for a Market Salary Adjustment. TODAY. they we will evaluate what your peers are earning vs you, based on your experience and education. You have more leverage than you realize.

Don’t let the people who are lying about their income bring you down. And don’t sit back and let your company take advantage of you. They’ve made a lot of $$$ on you over the years. Don’t feel indebted to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

OP here. I want you to think about this from a rational, logical perspective:

1. DW and I sacrificed literally everything to move to the US. We didn’t know anyone in this country when we moved here at 35, and our entire extended family lives in our home country. We did this all for DD, since growing up in USA is much better than S. Korea — by sacrificing our lives for her, we expect her to pay the favor back.

2. I literally took out a 401k loan of $30k to pay for her college. So I literally delayed my retirement for her college career.

3. I had to stay in several jobs I disliked to get a visa and then sponsorship in this country. This was all for the benefit of my daughter. A brief stint on Wall Street is nothing compared to what I endured.

OP, here is some logical perspective. My mom moved here at 45, gave up her job as an engineer in the home country and started out by cleaning other peoples houses, yes, toilets too. She did it for us, my brother and I, but never ever she as much as hinted that we owe her something for that. Unlike your lazy wife who has been sitting on her butt for the last 15 years, mom eventually found a blue color union job, worked for 20 years and retired with pension. She owns a condo and between her pension and her part time job (which she does because she really wants to) she completely supports herself. I am curious, since your wife has never really worked a demanding job, why does she think your daughter should? And if she does think so, why isn't she leading by example? Princess got tired from raising one kid?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I discovered DCUM last week and feel really terrible reading the finances section. I knew that DW and I were behind in retirement savings, but I didn’t know how behind until reading this. Here’s our situation:

DW and I are both immigrants from another continent. I was in a PhD program until my late 20s, and DW worked in a low-paying field (arts-related) until we immigrated to NoVa at the age of 35. DW’s job isn’t exactly transferable in the US, and she doesn’t speak a lot of English, so she became a SAHM to our only child. I used my PhD in Engineering to find a job as an engineer at one of the many defense companies in NoVa.

We were lucky to have no student debt (college in our home country is very cheap), but since DW stopped working when we immigrated here, our earning potential has obviously been handicapped. We are in our early 50s now and in not-great shape for retirement.

Right now our main asset is our house, which Zillow estimates at $1.1 million. I bought it for around half that price about ten years ago, and still have $380k left on the mortgage. That would make our total home equity around $700k.

I have around $400k in my 401k account, but I took out a 401k loan of $30k last year to pay for my DD’s senior year of college. Other than that, I have no savings or investments besides $20k in cash. No IRA, no Roth, no stocks besides my 401k.

Our HHI is ~$160k/year, and I don’t think it will go up. I am in my early 50s, so there’s lots of ageism against me. Plus my English is not fluent, I have an accent, and I’m very unfamiliar with American culture since I moved here when I was 35. There’s not really any chance of me moving into senior management.

I suppose my retirement plan is my daughter. The 401k loan I took out to pay for her senior year of college (at a very prestigious, elite Ivy) seems to be worth it, as she has a very high-paying job in finance now. Hopefully she will support us in our retirement! But I am worried, I think she is burning out fast and the NYC finance hours are crazy. Plus there is lots of misogyny in finance as she goes up the ladder.

You are fine financially. Your retirement plan should be to continue saving as much as possible and sell your house and move to a lower cost of living area when you retire. I suggest Durham, NC. That way you can cash out a million dollars when needed and live on that which along with social security and your 401K will get you through. You've done fine so far and will likely continue to do so.