Feel terrible about my finances after reading this site

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He also doesn’t think his wife should have to work at all, but his daughter should support him and his able-bodied non-working wife, plus her own family?

+1. Once the daughter has her own family, shouldn’t she also have the right to retire like OP’s wife did and raise her kids? How will she support OP and his wife then?

No only his wife may stay home. His daughter must be a slave.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

I cannot imagine asking my parents to take out loans in their name of any kind for me to go to college. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I was going into my portal and paying my own tuition bill each semester.

Thank you. Yes, taking out a 401k loan means that my daughter has at least some obligation to support me in retirement.

Actually it doesn’t- certainly not in any legal sense. I honestly hope your daughter cuts herself free from you and your horrible guilt trips. You own a million dollar house- you can afford to pay 30k towards her college. Are you next going to claim that she owes you money for her clothing and meals growing up?

Are you jealous that OP has a “million dollar house”? Is that why you’re being such a dick?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

I cannot imagine asking my parents to take out loans in their name of any kind for me to go to college. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I was going into my portal and paying my own tuition bill each semester.

Thank you. Yes, taking out a 401k loan means that my daughter has at least some obligation to support me in retirement.

Good.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I agree that you probably are just fine! This site is very skewed. My recommendation is to start maxing your retirement accounts. This adds up fast and you still have time. So maxing means putting the max you are allowed by the government into your 401k which for 2023 is $22,500. It may sound like a lot but since it’s tax free when it goes in (you do pay taxes when you take it out) you won’t see as big of a hit to your paycheck as you think. If you are still r eligible for an IRA, put the max in there too when you can. Now is a good time to start maxing these things as the market is lower than it’s been so when it goes back up in a few years that money will really work for you and becomes more and more. Do this every year, keep paying your mortgage, you will have a nice nest egg.

You have sacrificed a lot, that is for sure. I think the only thing I would remember is that having a pressure on your daughter and feeling like it’s tit for tat won’t be healthy for your relationship. And at the end of the day, our relationships are all we really have. So try to find a balance with those expectations that maintains a healthy relationship with your daughter. Breaking the cycle of everyone feeling like they have to constantly be in sacrifice mode can be one of the gifts of living here. Not sure that makes any sense. But it’s not the cycle you want to aim for I think. You have created the opportunity for financial freedom for your family - you’ve got this. You have a great nest egg started, you have a great salary now, now you just have to put your focus on funneling savings to retirement and then make some good choices at retirement to keep living expenses down. Remember you will also have social security coming.

This forum makes almost anyone feel behind. You got this! If you need help consult a FEE BASED financial advisor. Fee based means you pay them a small fee for some advice to make sure you’re on track etc, but not someone to manage your investments and take a cut it doesn’t sound like you need that now and it’s usually not advised (just takes from your gains) unless things are complicated.

I don’t understand this. I sacrificed for my daughter so I expect her to as well.

Then you shouldn’t have brought her to the US where we don’t condone treating children like indentured servants.

Troll

DP but that poster is not a troll. Money flows down generations in this country, not up. All of his daughters friends will be receiving parental help, not giving it. How will she feel then? Resentful.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, we have a similar story as you where DH was stuck in a very low paying job because the company was sponsoring his green card. I could not work because I did not have a work permit and could not go to school because did not have money.

First of all, do not try and explain your thinking, experience and culture to people here. They will never understand what it means to be a poorly paid white collar immigrant from Asia who gets stuck in the ech-one-bee visa limbo land for years.

Take a deep breath. You are doing ok. You have another 10 years to save. Your big asset is your house (even if you are still paying mortgage), your 401K and a debt free college for your kid. You will also get some social security.

You and your wife must make over your health. Because the biggest problem for people above 50 is usually health related. Be very vigilant about health, medical checkups, nutrition, sleep, managing stress and exercise.

Support your daughter. She has a lot of stress on her as she is an only child, working in Wall Street and knowing that she has to take care of her parents. Remember that her mental and physical welfare is also important. She is a young person, a female minority, and does not have family money to fall back on.

Remember, you are better off financially than most people here. You have set up your daughter for success by not burdening her with student debt.

Thank you. This is the post that I relate to the most. The other commenters have really have no idea what it’s like. I wish all the non-immigrants here would stop commenting.

I don’t understand, however, why you’d think that my daughter has a lot of stress on her. Shouldn’t being an only child be stress relieving since she has to take out less student loans? And working on Wall Street as a female minority is a lot less stressful than many working situations, including the one I was in where my employer was underpaying me because they were sponsoring my visa.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP, we have a similar story as you where DH was stuck in a very low paying job because the company was sponsoring his green card. I could not work because I did not have a work permit and could not go to school because did not have money.

First of all, do not try and explain your thinking, experience and culture to people here. They will never understand what it means to be a poorly paid white collar immigrant from Asia who gets stuck in the ech-one-bee visa limbo land for years.

Take a deep breath. You are doing ok. You have another 10 years to save. Your big asset is your house (even if you are still paying mortgage), your 401K and a debt free college for your kid. You will also get some social security.

You and your wife must make over your health. Because the biggest problem for people above 50 is usually health related. Be very vigilant about health, medical checkups, nutrition, sleep, managing stress and exercise.

Support your daughter. She has a lot of stress on her as she is an only child, working in Wall Street and knowing that she has to take care of her parents. Remember that her mental and physical welfare is also important. She is a young person, a female minority, and does not have family money to fall back on.

Remember, you are better off financially than most people here. You have set up your daughter for success by not burdening her with student debt.

Thank you. This is the post that I relate to the most. The other commenters have really have no idea what it’s like. I wish all the non-immigrants here would stop commenting.

I don’t understand, however, why you’d think that my daughter has a lot of stress on her. Shouldn’t being an only child be stress relieving since she has to take out less student loans? And working on Wall Street as a female minority is a lot less stressful than many working situations, including the one I was in where my employer was underpaying me because they were sponsoring my visa.

The stress is you and your wife! You are a huge ball and chain around her. Her future earnings don’t even belong to her, according to you!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

I cannot imagine asking my parents to take out loans in their name of any kind for me to go to college. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I was going into my portal and paying my own tuition bill each semester.

Thank you. Yes, taking out a 401k loan means that my daughter has at least some obligation to support me in retirement.

Actually it doesn’t- certainly not in any legal sense. I honestly hope your daughter cuts herself free from you and your horrible guilt trips. You own a million dollar house- you can afford to pay 30k towards her college. Are you next going to claim that she owes you money for her clothing and meals growing up?

Are you jealous that OP has a “million dollar house”? Is that why you’re being such a dick?

DP here. There is only one “dick” here and it’s OP.

[Anonymous]

Stop reading this website, it's not realistic. Go read CNBC or something else and you'll see you're far better off than the vast majority of people in this country.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I agree that you probably are just fine! This site is very skewed. My recommendation is to start maxing your retirement accounts. This adds up fast and you still have time. So maxing means putting the max you are allowed by the government into your 401k which for 2023 is $22,500. It may sound like a lot but since it’s tax free when it goes in (you do pay taxes when you take it out) you won’t see as big of a hit to your paycheck as you think. If you are still r eligible for an IRA, put the max in there too when you can. Now is a good time to start maxing these things as the market is lower than it’s been so when it goes back up in a few years that money will really work for you and becomes more and more. Do this every year, keep paying your mortgage, you will have a nice nest egg.

You have sacrificed a lot, that is for sure. I think the only thing I would remember is that having a pressure on your daughter and feeling like it’s tit for tat won’t be healthy for your relationship. And at the end of the day, our relationships are all we really have. So try to find a balance with those expectations that maintains a healthy relationship with your daughter. Breaking the cycle of everyone feeling like they have to constantly be in sacrifice mode can be one of the gifts of living here. Not sure that makes any sense. But it’s not the cycle you want to aim for I think. You have created the opportunity for financial freedom for your family - you’ve got this. You have a great nest egg started, you have a great salary now, now you just have to put your focus on funneling savings to retirement and then make some good choices at retirement to keep living expenses down. Remember you will also have social security coming.

This forum makes almost anyone feel behind. You got this! If you need help consult a FEE BASED financial advisor. Fee based means you pay them a small fee for some advice to make sure you’re on track etc, but not someone to manage your investments and take a cut it doesn’t sound like you need that now and it’s usually not advised (just takes from your gains) unless things are complicated.

I don’t understand this. I sacrificed for my daughter so I expect her to as well.

Then you shouldn’t have brought her to the US where we don’t condone treating children like indentured servants.

Troll

DP but that poster is not a troll. Money flows down generations in this country, not up. All of his daughters friends will be receiving parental help, not giving it. How will she feel then? Resentful.

The vast majority of Americans do not receive parental help after college.

[Anonymous]

OP is a troll - they say they are not fluent in English but their posts read fluent.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

I cannot imagine asking my parents to take out loans in their name of any kind for me to go to college. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I was going into my portal and paying my own tuition bill each semester.

Thank you. Yes, taking out a 401k loan means that my daughter has at least some obligation to support me in retirement.

I don’t understand? You said you took out a 30k loan. That is such a small amount. If she is working on Wall Street she can pay that back quickly.If coming out of you 401k then she pays you and you put in another savings vehicle. I don’t see why this small amount makes her obligated to support you in retirement? I read where people use all of their home equity or drain accounts for 100-200k but 30k seems quite small to make much difference in retirement, and where others have said if your wife did something she could easily make 10k a year and in 3 yrs you would have the 30k back.

Well, you also have to consider the huge loss in earning potential we made when we moved to America and sacrificed everything (such as the upper end of my salary potential or my wife’s salary) just for my daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Op I agree that you probably are just fine! This site is very skewed. My recommendation is to start maxing your retirement accounts. This adds up fast and you still have time. So maxing means putting the max you are allowed by the government into your 401k which for 2023 is $22,500. It may sound like a lot but since it’s tax free when it goes in (you do pay taxes when you take it out) you won’t see as big of a hit to your paycheck as you think. If you are still r eligible for an IRA, put the max in there too when you can. Now is a good time to start maxing these things as the market is lower than it’s been so when it goes back up in a few years that money will really work for you and becomes more and more. Do this every year, keep paying your mortgage, you will have a nice nest egg.

You have sacrificed a lot, that is for sure. I think the only thing I would remember is that having a pressure on your daughter and feeling like it’s tit for tat won’t be healthy for your relationship. And at the end of the day, our relationships are all we really have. So try to find a balance with those expectations that maintains a healthy relationship with your daughter. Breaking the cycle of everyone feeling like they have to constantly be in sacrifice mode can be one of the gifts of living here. Not sure that makes any sense. But it’s not the cycle you want to aim for I think. You have created the opportunity for financial freedom for your family - you’ve got this. You have a great nest egg started, you have a great salary now, now you just have to put your focus on funneling savings to retirement and then make some good choices at retirement to keep living expenses down. Remember you will also have social security coming.

This forum makes almost anyone feel behind. You got this! If you need help consult a FEE BASED financial advisor. Fee based means you pay them a small fee for some advice to make sure you’re on track etc, but not someone to manage your investments and take a cut it doesn’t sound like you need that now and it’s usually not advised (just takes from your gains) unless things are complicated.

I don’t understand this. I sacrificed for my daughter so I expect her to as well.

Then you shouldn’t have brought her to the US where we don’t condone treating children like indentured servants.

Troll

DP but that poster is not a troll. Money flows down generations in this country, not up. All of his daughters friends will be receiving parental help, not giving it. How will she feel then? Resentful.

Obviously that person is a troll. “Indentured servants” “slaves”

Many people in the US support their aging parents. It’s not unique to immigrants.

My parents sacrificed for my education and I’m doing what I can to help them today.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Is this a troll? He complains about his English not being fluent but his written English is excellent.
Otherwise, I wish he’d stop complaining and making excuses.
Count your blessings. You are doing a lot better than most people in the U.S. The fact you can’t see that says a lot about your character.
I feel badly for your daughter.

Written expression and spoken expression are not the same thing. He writes professionally as one would expect from a professional with decades of experience in the US. But, someone who learned to speak English as an adult will always have an accent.

My parents immigrated from the U.S. 50 years ago and my father is literally world-renowned in his field and has worked at two of the best universities in the country, consulted for the U.S. and other governments as well as private sector companies, and his written English still isn't as good as OP's.

[Anonymous]

You opted to bring her into this world. Until adulthood she was your responsibility. You are adults. At no time should she be responsible for you. That is a horrible burden to place on an only child.

Downsize, move to a different area, cut back, save more, work more, there are many options for you to explore beyond making yourselves a burden on others. You have time. Be responsible.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP is a troll - they say they are not fluent in English but their posts read fluent.

Not that weird. I can write much more fluently in a second language than I can speak it.