Feel terrible about my finances after reading this site

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a troll? He complains about his English not being fluent but his written English is excellent.
Otherwise, I wish he’d stop complaining and making excuses.
Count your blessings. You are doing a lot better than most people in the U.S. The fact you can’t see that says a lot about your character.
I feel badly for your daughter.

I was thinking the same thing. Seems more like a humblebrag post more than a “woe is me” post. Many people wish they had that much saved for retirement and had a house worth over a million dollars making six figures. The OP is doing better than 97% of the rest of the country.

[Anonymous]

NP. I don’t think your wife should feel guilty at all for staying home to raise your child. But I do think she is your family’s best underutilized resource to family success. There must be something she can do that won’t hurt her back and doesn’t need English proficiency. Even working 10-20 hours a week could boost your savings, and it all could go in her tax-advantaged 401k.

Are there any telework jobs in Korea that could use her knowledge of living in the us as an asset? My sister did this (in reverse) when she moved from us to another country. American companies needed her perspectives “on the ground” to help market us products, scout stores, etc.

Could she do some sort of work for the Sourh Korean embassy or similar? There seems to always be a need to set up cultural events, exchanges, etc.

On the more practical end… could she do light delivery (like delivering flowers or something), even just a day or two a week? Or helping to set up spaces for big events where she only has to interact with a few people, not the public constantly. People in the arts tend to have a flare for events-work in my experience. Even if she is setting our name cards and folding napkins, I bet there are folks looking for people who “get” how to make this look good.

Only she knows what she is interested in, but maybe with some encouragement that she could do something fulfilling or fun a day or two a week, she might find she likes it.

[Anonymous]

Op I agree that you probably are just fine! This site is very skewed. My recommendation is to start maxing your retirement accounts. This adds up fast and you still have time. So maxing means putting the max you are allowed by the government into your 401k which for 2023 is $22,500. It may sound like a lot but since it’s tax free when it goes in (you do pay taxes when you take it out) you won’t see as big of a hit to your paycheck as you think. If you are still r eligible for an IRA, put the max in there too when you can. Now is a good time to start maxing these things as the market is lower than it’s been so when it goes back up in a few years that money will really work for you and becomes more and more. Do this every year, keep paying your mortgage, you will have a nice nest egg.

You have sacrificed a lot, that is for sure. I think the only thing I would remember is that having a pressure on your daughter and feeling like it’s tit for tat won’t be healthy for your relationship. And at the end of the day, our relationships are all we really have. So try to find a balance with those expectations that maintains a healthy relationship with your daughter. Breaking the cycle of everyone feeling like they have to constantly be in sacrifice mode can be one of the gifts of living here. Not sure that makes any sense. But it’s not the cycle you want to aim for I think. You have created the opportunity for financial freedom for your family - you’ve got this. You have a great nest egg started, you have a great salary now, now you just have to put your focus on funneling savings to retirement and then make some good choices at retirement to keep living expenses down. Remember you will also have social security coming.

This forum makes almost anyone feel behind. You got this! If you need help consult a FEE BASED financial advisor. Fee based means you pay them a small fee for some advice to make sure you’re on track etc, but not someone to manage your investments and take a cut it doesn’t sound like you need that now and it’s usually not advised (just takes from your gains) unless things are complicated.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

I cannot imagine asking my parents to take out loans in their name of any kind for me to go to college. I wouldn’t be able to live with myself. I was going into my portal and paying my own tuition bill each semester.

[Anonymous]

Most of the people here lie about their finances so I wouldn’t worry too much about it. If they had that much money, they wouldn’t be spending time on a random, low key anonymous forum and actually hustling. Easy to make something up when you have zero proof to source any of it.

[Anonymous]

Ignore the haters, OP. IMO, you’re in decent shape. You have ~$600k in equity in your home. If it’s in a desirable area I’d hold onto that as long as possible to build more equity. You’ve been paying into social security so you should get some benefit there.

Now that your daughter is finished with college it should be easier to save money. No more tuition plus other kid expenses. It’s easier to live frugally for two adults. And I’m sure your daughter will help you out when the time comes. Hopefully, she is saving a lot herself right now while her income is high.

Could your wife find a job in the Korean community? Locally or virtually? Virtual tutoring in her art field? Any way to work in that art field here? Check in with the Korean embassy?

Would she be open to any kind of work?
https://www.indeed.com/m/viewjob?jk=a05a7c9da3dc09fe

What field of engineering for you?

I would just focus on building wealth now. Then move to a less expensive area when you retire.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

OP here. I want you to think about this from a rational, logical perspective:

1. DW and I sacrificed literally everything to move to the US. We didn’t know anyone in this country when we moved here at 35, and our entire extended family lives in our home country. We did this all for DD, since growing up in USA is much better than S. Korea — by sacrificing our lives for her, we expect her to pay the favor back.

2. I literally took out a 401k loan of $30k to pay for her college. So I literally delayed my retirement for her college career.

3. I had to stay in several jobs I disliked to get a visa and then sponsorship in this country. This was all for the benefit of my daughter. A brief stint on Wall Street is nothing compared to what I endured.

If $30k in federal loans is super easy for your daughter to pay back, then $30k back into your retirement fund should be super easy for you. This has to be a troll.

[Anonymous]

OP, you're doing fine. Ignore the trolls. My parents were immigrants from Asia (not Korea) and never made more than $120k combined, and they're doing fine. Good advice here:

1. Downsize to a condo for the two of you, if possible.

2. See if your wife is willing to start some sort of work, even part-time or freelance. She might also be happy to contribute to both of your happiness and feel empowered to be able to do so, so it's not necessarily a "burden." She may have to try a few things before she finds something she likes.

3. Cut expenses where you can and save like crazy.

4. Start exploring retiring to a lower COLA area.

5. I understand that it's normal and expected in some cultures for your child to support you, but she's also American now, and it may (I'm not saying it will) build up resentment on both sides. Heck, my parents don't expect me to support them financially, but even I feel at times tied down to them and my job because I think "what if I need to pay for a nursing home? etc." and unable to fully realize my dreams (I'm in my early 40s). Your daughter has her dreams, too, and it may be much less financially lucrative than the job she has now. You want your daughter to be happy and healthy most of all, right? And that may or may not include a lucrative job. You may want to have a frank conversation with her and see if, for example, she is able to sock away $X a month just for you, so that it's not some kind of unsaid vague expectation that she feels got "sprung on her" when the time comes.

Good luck to you. Don't worry. DCUM is very very skewed.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

OP here. I want you to think about this from a rational, logical perspective:

1. DW and I sacrificed literally everything to move to the US. We didn’t know anyone in this country when we moved here at 35, and our entire extended family lives in our home country. We did this all for DD, since growing up in USA is much better than S. Korea — by sacrificing our lives for her, we expect her to pay the favor back.

2. I literally took out a 401k loan of $30k to pay for her college. So I literally delayed my retirement for her college career.

3. I had to stay in several jobs I disliked to get a visa and then sponsorship in this country. This was all for the benefit of my daughter. A brief stint on Wall Street is nothing compared to what I endured.

Stop acting like you did any of that for your child. You did it for you. It’s very common for immigrants to put the BS, “we gave it all up for you now you owe us” on their kids but it’s terrible and toxic

I assume you are 50 ish and you child is done with college.

You need to max your retirement and you wife needs to get a job.

You have 20 years of working left in you. You will from 50 to 70 end up with a paid off million $ home and about $600K+ in retirement

You daughter does not owe you a retirement.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely don’t downsize to a condo now. Very bad investment. Keep the SFH and continue to build equity. It’s your biggest asset.

When you’re ready to retire find a lower cost-of-living area and downsize then.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

+1

If your daughter marries, her spouse would need to agree.

OP’s retirement would come at the expense of his grandchildren, essentially.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP, you're doing fine. Ignore the trolls. My parents were immigrants from Asia (not Korea) and never made more than $120k combined, and they're doing fine. Good advice here:

1. Downsize to a condo for the two of you, if possible.

2. See if your wife is willing to start some sort of work, even part-time or freelance. She might also be happy to contribute to both of your happiness and feel empowered to be able to do so, so it's not necessarily a "burden." She may have to try a few things before she finds something she likes.

3. Cut expenses where you can and save like crazy.

4. Start exploring retiring to a lower COLA area.

5. I understand that it's normal and expected in some cultures for your child to support you, but she's also American now, and it may (I'm not saying it will) build up resentment on both sides. Heck, my parents don't expect me to support them financially, but even I feel at times tied down to them and my job because I think "what if I need to pay for a nursing home? etc." and unable to fully realize my dreams (I'm in my early 40s). Your daughter has her dreams, too, and it may be much less financially lucrative than the job she has now. You want your daughter to be happy and healthy most of all, right? And that may or may not include a lucrative job. You may want to have a frank conversation with her and see if, for example, she is able to sock away $X a month just for you, so that it's not some kind of unsaid vague expectation that she feels got "sprung on her" when the time comes.

Good luck to you. Don't worry. DCUM is very very skewed.

Don’t do #1 it’s bad financial advice and counter productive.

#2 … she MUST get a job no “if she is willing” no!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Absolutely don’t downsize to a condo now. Very bad investment. Keep the SFH and continue to build equity. It’s your biggest asset.

When you’re ready to retire find a lower cost-of-living area and downsize then.

This!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I discovered DCUM last week and feel really terrible reading the finances section. I knew that DW and I were behind in retirement savings, but I didn’t know how behind until reading this. Here’s our situation:

DW and I are both immigrants from another continent. I was in a PhD program until my late 20s, and DW worked in a low-paying field (arts-related) until we immigrated to NoVa at the age of 35. DW’s job isn’t exactly transferable in the US, and she doesn’t speak a lot of English, so she became a SAHM to our only child. I used my PhD in Engineering to find a job as an engineer at one of the many defense companies in NoVa.

We were lucky to have no student debt (college in our home country is very cheap), but since DW stopped working when we immigrated here, our earning potential has obviously been handicapped. We are in our early 50s now and in not-great shape for retirement.

Right now our main asset is our house, which Zillow estimates at $1.1 million. I bought it for around half that price about ten years ago, and still have $380k left on the mortgage. That would make our total home equity around $700k.

I have around $400k in my 401k account, but I took out a 401k loan of $30k last year to pay for my DD’s senior year of college. Other than that, I have no savings or investments besides $20k in cash. No IRA, no Roth, no stocks besides my 401k.

Our HHI is ~$160k/year, and I don’t think it will go up. I am in my early 50s, so there’s lots of ageism against me. Plus my English is not fluent, I have an accent, and I’m very unfamiliar with American culture since I moved here when I was 35. There’s not really any chance of me moving into senior management.

I suppose my retirement plan is my daughter. The 401k loan I took out to pay for her senior year of college (at a very prestigious, elite Ivy) seems to be worth it, as she has a very high-paying job in finance now. Hopefully she will support us in our retirement! But I am worried, I think she is burning out fast and the NYC finance hours are crazy. Plus there is lots of misogyny in finance as she goes up the ladder.

You're comparing yourself to others who lived here all their lives, or migrated here when they were much younger like me at 11 yo. You're first generation and would be same as my parents when they migrated. My mom retired after 30 years working as a social worker for the county and now has a comfortable retirement. My siblings and I have done well, I myself retired last year mid 50s. So the silver lining is that the next gen will do much better. You can count on your daughter for support somewhat but you and your wife needs to continue working if you want to increase your NW and be less of a burden to your DD in the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

OP here. I want you to think about this from a rational, logical perspective:

1. DW and I sacrificed literally everything to move to the US. We didn’t know anyone in this country when we moved here at 35, and our entire extended family lives in our home country. We did this all for DD, since growing up in USA is much better than S. Korea — by sacrificing our lives for her, we expect her to pay the favor back.

2. I literally took out a 401k loan of $30k to pay for her college. So I literally delayed my retirement for her college career.

3. I had to stay in several jobs I disliked to get a visa and then sponsorship in this country. This was all for the benefit of my daughter. A brief stint on Wall Street is nothing compared to what I endured.

Your DD didn’t ask for any of this. YOU wanted this for her. Did you make it clear to her when she was in high school that choosing the Ivy League school would mean a lifetime commitment to supporting you?

Biology flows downhill.