Feel terrible about my finances after reading this site

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

OP here. I want you to think about this from a rational, logical perspective:

1. DW and I sacrificed literally everything to move to the US. We didn’t know anyone in this country when we moved here at 35, and our entire extended family lives in our home country. We did this all for DD, since growing up in USA is much better than S. Korea — by sacrificing our lives for her, we expect her to pay the favor back.

2. I literally took out a 401k loan of $30k to pay for her college. So I literally delayed my retirement for her college career.

3. I had to stay in several jobs I disliked to get a visa and then sponsorship in this country. This was all for the benefit of my daughter. A brief stint on Wall Street is nothing compared to what I endured.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

OP here. I want you to think about this from a rational, logical perspective:

1. DW and I sacrificed literally everything to move to the US. We didn’t know anyone in this country when we moved here at 35, and our entire extended family lives in our home country. We did this all for DD, since growing up in USA is much better than S. Korea — by sacrificing our lives for her, we expect her to pay the favor back.

2. I literally took out a 401k loan of $30k to pay for her college. So I literally delayed my retirement for her college career.

3. I had to stay in several jobs I disliked to get a visa and then sponsorship in this country. This was all for the benefit of my daughter. A brief stint on Wall Street is nothing compared to what I endured.

I guess the difference is that I don’t make sacrifices for my kids with the expectation that they will pay me back, nor would I want them to. I chose to have them and therefore have a responsibility to provide for them, not vice versa. And yes my husband and I have also had to work jobs we don’t enjoy and could have retired much earlier if we weren’t fully funding two kids ‘ college education, but we knew that there would be those trade offs when we decided that we wanted to become parents.

[Anonymous]

Personally, I think you are in great shape financially and you should stop worrying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Lol I love how you have a million dollar house but think you’re poor.

The mortgage on the house is huge. We have almost $400k remaining.

You own a home! You earn six figures! Stop feeling sorry for yourself!

[Anonymous]

You have 15 years to save for your retirement. I recommend selling your home, downsizing to a small apartment, cutting your expenses to the bone and start saving 30% of your gross income. If you do that, you’ll add $1M or so to your savings assuming the market gives you something back over those years. You guys have lived beyond your means for a long time. It’s time to buckle in and get savings. It’s not your daughter’s responsibility to finance your retirement.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:So sorry for your situation. Many people are in your shoes. What you read on DCUM is not reality. Many people will lie here to spook others about their finances.

My suggestion would be to create a passive income stream. Can you rent out your basement to someone?

Can your wife provide childcare to an infant at home now that she is an empty nester?

This can easily provide you $1500 - $2000 income per month.

It is fine if your DD wants to fund your retirement. I know many people from my culture who have combined household and finances with their adult children and who pitch in for childcare and household management. I have seen the multi generational model work very well.

You do not have any debt (except mortgage), your kid does not have college debt, you have a house in DMV. You are in a better shape than you know.

Good points. A couple of years ago, I looked into hosting an exchange student from my home country in our spare room. But it did not end up being possible as I use it as my office and the room is tiny.

I will bring up the childcare suggestion to my wife. I don’t think she’ll be too keen on it though. She is 52 and has back problems. And is also sick of caring for kids as she’s already raised one herself, haha.

Yes, I am expecting my DD to pitch in for retirement. She took out the FAFSA maximum in student loans to pay for her college (I think it’s around $30k), but she’ll have no problem paying that off on a Wall Street salary. I suggested to her that she live as frugally as possible in NYC and save her money while she’s working like crazy to put a down payment on a condo and later trade that in for a house in her 30s (a tip I recently learned from this site!).

I realize different cultures view this differently, but I find it really off putting that you are just expecting your daughter to bankroll your retirement because you paid for (part of) her college and blow off reasonable alternatives like your mid 50s wife (ie not that old) finding some kind of employment.

You acknowledge that your dd is already burnt out but want to further cripple her/force her to stay in a job she hates to make enough money to support you. What if she ultimately decides she wants to be a sahm (like her mom)? As you’ve probably seen on dcum this also has the potential to be a major source of tension/stressor in her marriage, particularly if her spouse is from a different culture.

OP here. I want you to think about this from a rational, logical perspective:

1. DW and I sacrificed literally everything to move to the US. We didn’t know anyone in this country when we moved here at 35, and our entire extended family lives in our home country. We did this all for DD, since growing up in USA is much better than S. Korea — by sacrificing our lives for her, we expect her to pay the favor back.

2. I literally took out a 401k loan of $30k to pay for her college. So I literally delayed my retirement for her college career.

3. I had to stay in several jobs I disliked to get a visa and then sponsorship in this country. This was all for the benefit of my daughter. A brief stint on Wall Street is nothing compared to what I endured.

Your daughter didn't ask you to do any of those things. It's entirely possible that she'd be just as happy living in S. Korea. You made those choices for how you wanted to live your life. You don't get to own her life and finances because of decisions you made without her input. Own your life choices.

Your wife was a SAHM in America. Since when is that a sacrifice? Being a SAHM is a luxury that many cannot afford. She should find a job if she's no longer raising kids and you are behind financially. It doesn't have to be a gruelling job, but she should find a way to earn an income to help out.

If you want your daughter to repay your 401k loan, then you should have had that conversation at the time you took out the loan. It's not an endless claim on her funding your retirement forever.

[Anonymous]

Native born Americans will never understand the immigrant experience. I do agree that it most people who help their parents didn’t grow up in million dollar houses. My recommendation is that you get off this site. Hopefully you will get social security and a pension. Between that and selling your house, you should be in good shape. Did your wife try to learn English? Does she have any marketable skills? What about cooking for others?

[Anonymous]

You still have more than the average American! HA!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I discovered DCUM last week and feel really terrible reading the finances section. I knew that DW and I were behind in retirement savings, but I didn’t know how behind until reading this. Here’s our situation:

DW and I are both immigrants from another continent. I was in a PhD program until my late 20s, and DW worked in a low-paying field (arts-related) until we immigrated to NoVa at the age of 35. DW’s job isn’t exactly transferable in the US, and she doesn’t speak a lot of English, so she became a SAHM to our only child. I used my PhD in Engineering to find a job as an engineer at one of the many defense companies in NoVa.

We were lucky to have no student debt (college in our home country is very cheap), but since DW stopped working when we immigrated here, our earning potential has obviously been handicapped. We are in our early 50s now and in not-great shape for retirement.

Right now our main asset is our house, which Zillow estimates at $1.1 million. I bought it for around half that price about ten years ago, and still have $380k left on the mortgage. That would make our total home equity around $700k.

I have around $400k in my 401k account, but I took out a 401k loan of $30k last year to pay for my DD’s senior year of college. Other than that, I have no savings or investments besides $20k in cash. No IRA, no Roth, no stocks besides my 401k.

Our HHI is ~$160k/year, and I don’t think it will go up. I am in my early 50s, so there’s lots of ageism against me. Plus my English is not fluent, I have an accent, and I’m very unfamiliar with American culture since I moved here when I was 35. There’s not really any chance of me moving into senior management.

I suppose my retirement plan is my daughter. The 401k loan I took out to pay for her senior year of college (at a very prestigious, elite Ivy) seems to be worth it, as she has a very high-paying job in finance now. Hopefully she will support us in our retirement! But I am worried, I think she is burning out fast and the NYC finance hours are crazy. Plus there is lots of misogyny in finance as she goes up the ladder.

If you work as an SME for a Fed contractor and aren’t on business development side, you will never make more than $200k without clearance (and even clearance will only bump to $250k and come with a bunch of hassles regarding travel). So you are doing fine for this role.

For “tech” big salaries, it’s mostly just Big Tech software. If you read up on Blind, aerospace and mech e (which make up a lot of Fed contracting roles) make “peanuts” ie nothing. So you are right on track.

You can try to see if you can get a job with some Big Tech like AWS or other Amazon devices project, but it will be different pace and more unstable so might be good to try to go graybeard as you near retirement (that’s tech slang look it up). You also could hook up with a startup as the “CTO” since you might have credentials that investors would be impressed by and get a nice bump right before retirement — but know most startups fail so it’s unlikely to be a lottery winning ticket.

[Anonymous]

I think it sounds like you are doing fine financially (and that you are both nice people and good parents). Most people in the US don’t retire until their mid to late 60s. You have a lot of time to sock away money now that you are done paying for college.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Native born Americans will never understand the immigrant experience. I do agree that it most people who help their parents didn’t grow up in million dollar houses. My recommendation is that you get off this site. Hopefully you will get social security and a pension. Between that and selling your house, you should be in good shape. Did your wife try to learn English? Does she have any marketable skills? What about cooking for others?

Haha, his experience seems more similar to my straight from Appalachia to DC experience than most things I read on DCUM.

[Anonymous]

Is this a troll? He complains about his English not being fluent but his written English is excellent.
Otherwise, I wish he’d stop complaining and making excuses.
Count your blessings. You are doing a lot better than most people in the U.S. The fact you can’t see that says a lot about your character.
I feel badly for your daughter.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a troll? He complains about his English not being fluent but his written English is excellent.
Otherwise, I wish he’d stop complaining and making excuses.
Count your blessings. You are doing a lot better than most people in the U.S. The fact you can’t see that says a lot about your character.
I feel badly for your daughter.

Was thinking the same thing.

Your wife needs to get a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Is this a troll? He complains about his English not being fluent but his written English is excellent.
Otherwise, I wish he’d stop complaining and making excuses.
Count your blessings. You are doing a lot better than most people in the U.S. The fact you can’t see that says a lot about your character.
I feel badly for your daughter.

Written expression and spoken expression are not the same thing. He writes professionally as one would expect from a professional with decades of experience in the US. But, someone who learned to speak English as an adult will always have an accent.

[Anonymous]

OP- I would just continue to save. You have another 10-15 years to work (and pay off your house). The money in your 401k will grow, you will put more into it, you can live rent- free, and you will receive social security. You may not need your daughter to help.