BIL almost hit my 6-yr-old DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would not want this man near my children, since clearly he can hurt them without meaning to. I have a child with special needs myself, so I understand that no blame attaches to this person. Yet the injuries a grown man can inflict on young children, especially on the head, are serious, so these behaviors actually DO need to be discussed and taken seriously. As is:

1. How often does he have tantrums like these?
2. Are there recognizable triggers?
3. When you're not around, does your husband guarantee that he will make sure his kids are never near enough to get accidentally hit?
4. Is there a better medication plan, since clearly this one is insufficient?
5. Long-term, what resources will be used to care for that BIL, and which institution will accept him?

These are hard conversations to have, but I would put my foot down and not have this person in my home until his family can give me some assurances. With my son, I am always ready to explain and discuss his needs with my family, so they feel informed and engaged. Meds are very tricky, and need constant adjustment. It's HARD. I feel for everyone involved in your situation, OP, but children's wellbeing MUST come first and you will have to defend them.

Not all special needs are the same.

Unless you have multiple children over 18 it's best you sit this one out before you start claiming you'd be fine with your kids future spouses bannig your disabled child from their homes.

When a kid gets hurt because there’s no plan in place or no acknowledgment that there is risk, who does that benefit? No one is saying ban him, but a couple people are saying it’s ok that children also be protected and taken care of.

It seems that there was a plan in place and acknowledgement of the risk based on how the tantrum was handled. What would you do differently, keep him in a straight jacket?

What I would do differently is, if a child in my family watched an adult scream, throw things, and then nearly hit them, the adults in the family would check in with the child to make sure they were ok. They would say “it’s not ok for Uncle Jim to hit or throw things, but he isn’t able to help it just like you couldn’t when you were small”.

I would not expect children in my family (my children or nieces and nephews) to experience adult outbursts like that without making sure they felt safe afterward. That’s how children come to fear and hate holidays with extended family.

+1

Some of the responses on this thread concern me. There is a balance between including a person with special needs and respecting a child’s right to feeling safe and to enjoy a peaceful holiday. It’s possible to express and feel empathy for all parties involved.

Did the OP say she didn’t address this with her kids?

It is not the sole responsibility of OP. If the kids are going to be exposed to this routinely they need to know that every adult there is looking out for them and wants them to be ok. Because if Uncle Jim has a meltdown and one of the thrown things is something they care about, or they do get hit next time (which is possible) they can’t just be SOL because mom was getting something out of the oven and Dad had to go to the bathroom. Yes, OPs family-in-law needs to make accommodations for her BIL but they also need to make accommodations for the children who are impacted— otherwise we’ll see them on DCUM as refusing to go to family holidays because they spent their childhood holidays hoping Uncle Jim didn’t melt down while none of the adults seemed to care that they were scared the whole time.

I guess I missed where OP said her 6 and 8 yr old experience this routinely, and they’ve never had a conversation with any of the adults about it.

Again. It isn’t “any” of the adults. Every adult there who is supporting BIL also has a responsibility to make sure the kids aren’t hurt, and the kids are getting just as much support from their family. It’s super weird you think children should watch someone throw, scream, and flail and the adults present should take no responsibility because “empathy”? Where’s your empathy for the children?

Huh? The children weren’t even touched. The BIL was removed from the situation so he could calm down. I don’t see how anyone did anything wrong in this situation.

NP. That’s insane you don’t see how there’s anything wrong with this situation, but you clearly have some kind of agenda so there will be no getting through to you.

DP. I don’t think anything is wrong with the situation so I guess I’m going to need it spelled out for me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would not want this man near my children, since clearly he can hurt them without meaning to. I have a child with special needs myself, so I understand that no blame attaches to this person. Yet the injuries a grown man can inflict on young children, especially on the head, are serious, so these behaviors actually DO need to be discussed and taken seriously. As is:

1. How often does he have tantrums like these?
2. Are there recognizable triggers?
3. When you're not around, does your husband guarantee that he will make sure his kids are never near enough to get accidentally hit?
4. Is there a better medication plan, since clearly this one is insufficient?
5. Long-term, what resources will be used to care for that BIL, and which institution will accept him?

These are hard conversations to have, but I would put my foot down and not have this person in my home until his family can give me some assurances. With my son, I am always ready to explain and discuss his needs with my family, so they feel informed and engaged. Meds are very tricky, and need constant adjustment. It's HARD. I feel for everyone involved in your situation, OP, but children's wellbeing MUST come first and you will have to defend them.

Not all special needs are the same.

Unless you have multiple children over 18 it's best you sit this one out before you start claiming you'd be fine with your kids future spouses bannig your disabled child from their homes.

When a kid gets hurt because there’s no plan in place or no acknowledgment that there is risk, who does that benefit? No one is saying ban him, but a couple people are saying it’s ok that children also be protected and taken care of.

It seems that there was a plan in place and acknowledgement of the risk based on how the tantrum was handled. What would you do differently, keep him in a straight jacket?

What I would do differently is, if a child in my family watched an adult scream, throw things, and then nearly hit them, the adults in the family would check in with the child to make sure they were ok. They would say “it’s not ok for Uncle Jim to hit or throw things, but he isn’t able to help it just like you couldn’t when you were small”.

I would not expect children in my family (my children or nieces and nephews) to experience adult outbursts like that without making sure they felt safe afterward. That’s how children come to fear and hate holidays with extended family.

+1

Some of the responses on this thread concern me. There is a balance between including a person with special needs and respecting a child’s right to feeling safe and to enjoy a peaceful holiday. It’s possible to express and feel empathy for all parties involved.

Did the OP say she didn’t address this with her kids?

It is not the sole responsibility of OP. If the kids are going to be exposed to this routinely they need to know that every adult there is looking out for them and wants them to be ok. Because if Uncle Jim has a meltdown and one of the thrown things is something they care about, or they do get hit next time (which is possible) they can’t just be SOL because mom was getting something out of the oven and Dad had to go to the bathroom. Yes, OPs family-in-law needs to make accommodations for her BIL but they also need to make accommodations for the children who are impacted— otherwise we’ll see them on DCUM as refusing to go to family holidays because they spent their childhood holidays hoping Uncle Jim didn’t melt down while none of the adults seemed to care that they were scared the whole time.

I guess I missed where OP said her 6 and 8 yr old experience this routinely, and they’ve never had a conversation with any of the adults about it.

Again. It isn’t “any” of the adults. Every adult there who is supporting BIL also has a responsibility to make sure the kids aren’t hurt, and the kids are getting just as much support from their family. It’s super weird you think children should watch someone throw, scream, and flail and the adults present should take no responsibility because “empathy”? Where’s your empathy for the children?

They did take responsibility, by removing BIL. There seems to be some belief here that this situation should not just have been reacted to (it was) but prevented. How? All BIL’s support network can do is react to the situation in the interest of safety. The only way to be sure the kids are never frightened is to prevent them from ever being with BIL, which isn’t reasonable.

That isn’t what I’m saying and I’m the poster who you’re responding to.

My point is that reacting is part one, and checking in with the children who have been scared is part two. That’s every adults responsibility in the same way it would be every adults responsibility to keep BIL from hurting himself. Once BIL is safe, every adult at some point should say to the children “Larla/Larlo, it’s not OK that uncle bill yelled and threw that plate, but uncle bill doesn’t understand that. We’re always here to make sure you’re safe, and if you ever feel scared it always ok to tell us.”

In my opinion that is what was missing from OPs experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would not want this man near my children, since clearly he can hurt them without meaning to. I have a child with special needs myself, so I understand that no blame attaches to this person. Yet the injuries a grown man can inflict on young children, especially on the head, are serious, so these behaviors actually DO need to be discussed and taken seriously. As is:

1. How often does he have tantrums like these?
2. Are there recognizable triggers?
3. When you're not around, does your husband guarantee that he will make sure his kids are never near enough to get accidentally hit?
4. Is there a better medication plan, since clearly this one is insufficient?
5. Long-term, what resources will be used to care for that BIL, and which institution will accept him?

These are hard conversations to have, but I would put my foot down and not have this person in my home until his family can give me some assurances. With my son, I am always ready to explain and discuss his needs with my family, so they feel informed and engaged. Meds are very tricky, and need constant adjustment. It's HARD. I feel for everyone involved in your situation, OP, but children's wellbeing MUST come first and you will have to defend them.

Not all special needs are the same.

Unless you have multiple children over 18 it's best you sit this one out before you start claiming you'd be fine with your kids future spouses bannig your disabled child from their homes.

When a kid gets hurt because there’s no plan in place or no acknowledgment that there is risk, who does that benefit? No one is saying ban him, but a couple people are saying it’s ok that children also be protected and taken care of.

It seems that there was a plan in place and acknowledgement of the risk based on how the tantrum was handled. What would you do differently, keep him in a straight jacket?

What I would do differently is, if a child in my family watched an adult scream, throw things, and then nearly hit them, the adults in the family would check in with the child to make sure they were ok. They would say “it’s not ok for Uncle Jim to hit or throw things, but he isn’t able to help it just like you couldn’t when you were small”.

I would not expect children in my family (my children or nieces and nephews) to experience adult outbursts like that without making sure they felt safe afterward. That’s how children come to fear and hate holidays with extended family.

+1

Some of the responses on this thread concern me. There is a balance between including a person with special needs and respecting a child’s right to feeling safe and to enjoy a peaceful holiday. It’s possible to express and feel empathy for all parties involved.

Did the OP say she didn’t address this with her kids?

It is not the sole responsibility of OP. If the kids are going to be exposed to this routinely they need to know that every adult there is looking out for them and wants them to be ok. Because if Uncle Jim has a meltdown and one of the thrown things is something they care about, or they do get hit next time (which is possible) they can’t just be SOL because mom was getting something out of the oven and Dad had to go to the bathroom. Yes, OPs family-in-law needs to make accommodations for her BIL but they also need to make accommodations for the children who are impacted— otherwise we’ll see them on DCUM as refusing to go to family holidays because they spent their childhood holidays hoping Uncle Jim didn’t melt down while none of the adults seemed to care that they were scared the whole time.

I guess I missed where OP said her 6 and 8 yr old experience this routinely, and they’ve never had a conversation with any of the adults about it.

Again. It isn’t “any” of the adults. Every adult there who is supporting BIL also has a responsibility to make sure the kids aren’t hurt, and the kids are getting just as much support from their family. It’s super weird you think children should watch someone throw, scream, and flail and the adults present should take no responsibility because “empathy”? Where’s your empathy for the children?

Huh? The children weren’t even touched. The BIL was removed from the situation so he could calm down. I don’t see how anyone did anything wrong in this situation.

NP. That’s insane you don’t see how there’s anything wrong with this situation, but you clearly have some kind of agenda so there will be no getting through to you.

DP. I don’t think anything is wrong with the situation so I guess I’m going to need it spelled out for me.

Do you routinely let your children watch an adult scream and throw things while flailing? If so, that would explain why this is not registering as “wrong” for you.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would not want this man near my children, since clearly he can hurt them without meaning to. I have a child with special needs myself, so I understand that no blame attaches to this person. Yet the injuries a grown man can inflict on young children, especially on the head, are serious, so these behaviors actually DO need to be discussed and taken seriously. As is:

1. How often does he have tantrums like these?
2. Are there recognizable triggers?
3. When you're not around, does your husband guarantee that he will make sure his kids are never near enough to get accidentally hit?
4. Is there a better medication plan, since clearly this one is insufficient?
5. Long-term, what resources will be used to care for that BIL, and which institution will accept him?

These are hard conversations to have, but I would put my foot down and not have this person in my home until his family can give me some assurances. With my son, I am always ready to explain and discuss his needs with my family, so they feel informed and engaged. Meds are very tricky, and need constant adjustment. It's HARD. I feel for everyone involved in your situation, OP, but children's wellbeing MUST come first and you will have to defend them.

Not all special needs are the same.

Unless you have multiple children over 18 it's best you sit this one out before you start claiming you'd be fine with your kids future spouses bannig your disabled child from their homes.

When a kid gets hurt because there’s no plan in place or no acknowledgment that there is risk, who does that benefit? No one is saying ban him, but a couple people are saying it’s ok that children also be protected and taken care of.

It seems that there was a plan in place and acknowledgement of the risk based on how the tantrum was handled. What would you do differently, keep him in a straight jacket?

What I would do differently is, if a child in my family watched an adult scream, throw things, and then nearly hit them, the adults in the family would check in with the child to make sure they were ok. They would say “it’s not ok for Uncle Jim to hit or throw things, but he isn’t able to help it just like you couldn’t when you were small”.

I would not expect children in my family (my children or nieces and nephews) to experience adult outbursts like that without making sure they felt safe afterward. That’s how children come to fear and hate holidays with extended family.

+1

Some of the responses on this thread concern me. There is a balance between including a person with special needs and respecting a child’s right to feeling safe and to enjoy a peaceful holiday. It’s possible to express and feel empathy for all parties involved.

Did the OP say she didn’t address this with her kids?

It is not the sole responsibility of OP. If the kids are going to be exposed to this routinely they need to know that every adult there is looking out for them and wants them to be ok. Because if Uncle Jim has a meltdown and one of the thrown things is something they care about, or they do get hit next time (which is possible) they can’t just be SOL because mom was getting something out of the oven and Dad had to go to the bathroom. Yes, OPs family-in-law needs to make accommodations for her BIL but they also need to make accommodations for the children who are impacted— otherwise we’ll see them on DCUM as refusing to go to family holidays because they spent their childhood holidays hoping Uncle Jim didn’t melt down while none of the adults seemed to care that they were scared the whole time.

I guess I missed where OP said her 6 and 8 yr old experience this routinely, and they’ve never had a conversation with any of the adults about it.

Again. It isn’t “any” of the adults. Every adult there who is supporting BIL also has a responsibility to make sure the kids aren’t hurt, and the kids are getting just as much support from their family. It’s super weird you think children should watch someone throw, scream, and flail and the adults present should take no responsibility because “empathy”? Where’s your empathy for the children?

They did take responsibility, by removing BIL. There seems to be some belief here that this situation should not just have been reacted to (it was) but prevented. How? All BIL’s support network can do is react to the situation in the interest of safety. The only way to be sure the kids are never frightened is to prevent them from ever being with BIL, which isn’t reasonable.

Who is the kids’ support network? Why is it unreasonable they wouldn’t be exposed to frightening situations where they could also be potentially hurt?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would not want this man near my children, since clearly he can hurt them without meaning to. I have a child with special needs myself, so I understand that no blame attaches to this person. Yet the injuries a grown man can inflict on young children, especially on the head, are serious, so these behaviors actually DO need to be discussed and taken seriously. As is:

1. How often does he have tantrums like these?
2. Are there recognizable triggers?
3. When you're not around, does your husband guarantee that he will make sure his kids are never near enough to get accidentally hit?
4. Is there a better medication plan, since clearly this one is insufficient?
5. Long-term, what resources will be used to care for that BIL, and which institution will accept him?

These are hard conversations to have, but I would put my foot down and not have this person in my home until his family can give me some assurances. With my son, I am always ready to explain and discuss his needs with my family, so they feel informed and engaged. Meds are very tricky, and need constant adjustment. It's HARD. I feel for everyone involved in your situation, OP, but children's wellbeing MUST come first and you will have to defend them.

Not all special needs are the same.

Unless you have multiple children over 18 it's best you sit this one out before you start claiming you'd be fine with your kids future spouses bannig your disabled child from their homes.

When a kid gets hurt because there’s no plan in place or no acknowledgment that there is risk, who does that benefit? No one is saying ban him, but a couple people are saying it’s ok that children also be protected and taken care of.

It seems that there was a plan in place and acknowledgement of the risk based on how the tantrum was handled. What would you do differently, keep him in a straight jacket?

What I would do differently is, if a child in my family watched an adult scream, throw things, and then nearly hit them, the adults in the family would check in with the child to make sure they were ok. They would say “it’s not ok for Uncle Jim to hit or throw things, but he isn’t able to help it just like you couldn’t when you were small”.

I would not expect children in my family (my children or nieces and nephews) to experience adult outbursts like that without making sure they felt safe afterward. That’s how children come to fear and hate holidays with extended family.

+1

Some of the responses on this thread concern me. There is a balance between including a person with special needs and respecting a child’s right to feeling safe and to enjoy a peaceful holiday. It’s possible to express and feel empathy for all parties involved.

Did the OP say she didn’t address this with her kids?

It is not the sole responsibility of OP. If the kids are going to be exposed to this routinely they need to know that every adult there is looking out for them and wants them to be ok. Because if Uncle Jim has a meltdown and one of the thrown things is something they care about, or they do get hit next time (which is possible) they can’t just be SOL because mom was getting something out of the oven and Dad had to go to the bathroom. Yes, OPs family-in-law needs to make accommodations for her BIL but they also need to make accommodations for the children who are impacted— otherwise we’ll see them on DCUM as refusing to go to family holidays because they spent their childhood holidays hoping Uncle Jim didn’t melt down while none of the adults seemed to care that they were scared the whole time.

I guess I missed where OP said her 6 and 8 yr old experience this routinely, and they’ve never had a conversation with any of the adults about it.

Again. It isn’t “any” of the adults. Every adult there who is supporting BIL also has a responsibility to make sure the kids aren’t hurt, and the kids are getting just as much support from their family. It’s super weird you think children should watch someone throw, scream, and flail and the adults present should take no responsibility because “empathy”? Where’s your empathy for the children?

Huh? The children weren’t even touched. The BIL was removed from the situation so he could calm down. I don’t see how anyone did anything wrong in this situation.

NP. That’s insane you don’t see how there’s anything wrong with this situation, but you clearly have some kind of agenda so there will be no getting through to you.

DP. I don’t think anything is wrong with the situation so I guess I’m going to need it spelled out for me.

Do you routinely let your children watch an adult scream and throw things while flailing? If so, that would explain why this is not registering as “wrong” for you.

There is no point, PP. The person you’re trying to reason with is as bad as a far-right Trumper, but just equally as far as the other end of the spectrum.

[Anonymous]

Great troll post Op!!

Nearly 8 pages, a misleading post title, and not returning to answer or clarify 7 pages of questions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would not want this man near my children, since clearly he can hurt them without meaning to. I have a child with special needs myself, so I understand that no blame attaches to this person. Yet the injuries a grown man can inflict on young children, especially on the head, are serious, so these behaviors actually DO need to be discussed and taken seriously. As is:

1. How often does he have tantrums like these?
2. Are there recognizable triggers?
3. When you're not around, does your husband guarantee that he will make sure his kids are never near enough to get accidentally hit?
4. Is there a better medication plan, since clearly this one is insufficient?
5. Long-term, what resources will be used to care for that BIL, and which institution will accept him?

These are hard conversations to have, but I would put my foot down and not have this person in my home until his family can give me some assurances. With my son, I am always ready to explain and discuss his needs with my family, so they feel informed and engaged. Meds are very tricky, and need constant adjustment. It's HARD. I feel for everyone involved in your situation, OP, but children's wellbeing MUST come first and you will have to defend them.

Not all special needs are the same.

Unless you have multiple children over 18 it's best you sit this one out before you start claiming you'd be fine with your kids future spouses bannig your disabled child from their homes.

When a kid gets hurt because there’s no plan in place or no acknowledgment that there is risk, who does that benefit? No one is saying ban him, but a couple people are saying it’s ok that children also be protected and taken care of.

It seems that there was a plan in place and acknowledgement of the risk based on how the tantrum was handled. What would you do differently, keep him in a straight jacket?

What I would do differently is, if a child in my family watched an adult scream, throw things, and then nearly hit them, the adults in the family would check in with the child to make sure they were ok. They would say “it’s not ok for Uncle Jim to hit or throw things, but he isn’t able to help it just like you couldn’t when you were small”.

I would not expect children in my family (my children or nieces and nephews) to experience adult outbursts like that without making sure they felt safe afterward. That’s how children come to fear and hate holidays with extended family.

+1

Some of the responses on this thread concern me. There is a balance between including a person with special needs and respecting a child’s right to feeling safe and to enjoy a peaceful holiday. It’s possible to express and feel empathy for all parties involved.

Did the OP say she didn’t address this with her kids?

It is not the sole responsibility of OP. If the kids are going to be exposed to this routinely they need to know that every adult there is looking out for them and wants them to be ok. Because if Uncle Jim has a meltdown and one of the thrown things is something they care about, or they do get hit next time (which is possible) they can’t just be SOL because mom was getting something out of the oven and Dad had to go to the bathroom. Yes, OPs family-in-law needs to make accommodations for her BIL but they also need to make accommodations for the children who are impacted— otherwise we’ll see them on DCUM as refusing to go to family holidays because they spent their childhood holidays hoping Uncle Jim didn’t melt down while none of the adults seemed to care that they were scared the whole time.

I guess I missed where OP said her 6 and 8 yr old experience this routinely, and they’ve never had a conversation with any of the adults about it.

Again. It isn’t “any” of the adults. Every adult there who is supporting BIL also has a responsibility to make sure the kids aren’t hurt, and the kids are getting just as much support from their family. It’s super weird you think children should watch someone throw, scream, and flail and the adults present should take no responsibility because “empathy”? Where’s your empathy for the children?

They did take responsibility, by removing BIL. There seems to be some belief here that this situation should not just have been reacted to (it was) but prevented. How? All BIL’s support network can do is react to the situation in the interest of safety. The only way to be sure the kids are never frightened is to prevent them from ever being with BIL, which isn’t reasonable.

That isn’t what I’m saying and I’m the poster who you’re responding to.

My point is that reacting is part one, and checking in with the children who have been scared is part two. That’s every adults responsibility in the same way it would be every adults responsibility to keep BIL from hurting himself. Once BIL is safe, every adult at some point should say to the children “Larla/Larlo, it’s not OK that uncle bill yelled and threw that plate, but uncle bill doesn’t understand that. We’re always here to make sure you’re safe, and if you ever feel scared it always ok to tell us.”

In my opinion that is what was missing from OPs experience.

I just don’t get why anyone other than the kids’ parents needs to do this. Surely those are the people best situated to do it. Who else needs to participate in it and why?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would not want this man near my children, since clearly he can hurt them without meaning to. I have a child with special needs myself, so I understand that no blame attaches to this person. Yet the injuries a grown man can inflict on young children, especially on the head, are serious, so these behaviors actually DO need to be discussed and taken seriously. As is:

1. How often does he have tantrums like these?
2. Are there recognizable triggers?
3. When you're not around, does your husband guarantee that he will make sure his kids are never near enough to get accidentally hit?
4. Is there a better medication plan, since clearly this one is insufficient?
5. Long-term, what resources will be used to care for that BIL, and which institution will accept him?

These are hard conversations to have, but I would put my foot down and not have this person in my home until his family can give me some assurances. With my son, I am always ready to explain and discuss his needs with my family, so they feel informed and engaged. Meds are very tricky, and need constant adjustment. It's HARD. I feel for everyone involved in your situation, OP, but children's wellbeing MUST come first and you will have to defend them.

Not all special needs are the same.

Unless you have multiple children over 18 it's best you sit this one out before you start claiming you'd be fine with your kids future spouses bannig your disabled child from their homes.

When a kid gets hurt because there’s no plan in place or no acknowledgment that there is risk, who does that benefit? No one is saying ban him, but a couple people are saying it’s ok that children also be protected and taken care of.

It seems that there was a plan in place and acknowledgement of the risk based on how the tantrum was handled. What would you do differently, keep him in a straight jacket?

What I would do differently is, if a child in my family watched an adult scream, throw things, and then nearly hit them, the adults in the family would check in with the child to make sure they were ok. They would say “it’s not ok for Uncle Jim to hit or throw things, but he isn’t able to help it just like you couldn’t when you were small”.

I would not expect children in my family (my children or nieces and nephews) to experience adult outbursts like that without making sure they felt safe afterward. That’s how children come to fear and hate holidays with extended family.

+1

Some of the responses on this thread concern me. There is a balance between including a person with special needs and respecting a child’s right to feeling safe and to enjoy a peaceful holiday. It’s possible to express and feel empathy for all parties involved.

Did the OP say she didn’t address this with her kids?

It is not the sole responsibility of OP. If the kids are going to be exposed to this routinely they need to know that every adult there is looking out for them and wants them to be ok. Because if Uncle Jim has a meltdown and one of the thrown things is something they care about, or they do get hit next time (which is possible) they can’t just be SOL because mom was getting something out of the oven and Dad had to go to the bathroom. Yes, OPs family-in-law needs to make accommodations for her BIL but they also need to make accommodations for the children who are impacted— otherwise we’ll see them on DCUM as refusing to go to family holidays because they spent their childhood holidays hoping Uncle Jim didn’t melt down while none of the adults seemed to care that they were scared the whole time.

I guess I missed where OP said her 6 and 8 yr old experience this routinely, and they’ve never had a conversation with any of the adults about it.

Again. It isn’t “any” of the adults. Every adult there who is supporting BIL also has a responsibility to make sure the kids aren’t hurt, and the kids are getting just as much support from their family. It’s super weird you think children should watch someone throw, scream, and flail and the adults present should take no responsibility because “empathy”? Where’s your empathy for the children?

Huh? The children weren’t even touched. The BIL was removed from the situation so he could calm down. I don’t see how anyone did anything wrong in this situation.

NP. That’s insane you don’t see how there’s anything wrong with this situation, but you clearly have some kind of agenda so there will be no getting through to you.

DP. I don’t think anything is wrong with the situation so I guess I’m going to need it spelled out for me.

Do you routinely let your children watch an adult scream and throw things while flailing? If so, that would explain why this is not registering as “wrong” for you.

So you’re saying the appropriate response is that the kids spend 0 time with their SN uncle until they’re adults? Because they may sometimes witness behavior they find frightening?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would not want this man near my children, since clearly he can hurt them without meaning to. I have a child with special needs myself, so I understand that no blame attaches to this person. Yet the injuries a grown man can inflict on young children, especially on the head, are serious, so these behaviors actually DO need to be discussed and taken seriously. As is:

1. How often does he have tantrums like these?
2. Are there recognizable triggers?
3. When you're not around, does your husband guarantee that he will make sure his kids are never near enough to get accidentally hit?
4. Is there a better medication plan, since clearly this one is insufficient?
5. Long-term, what resources will be used to care for that BIL, and which institution will accept him?

These are hard conversations to have, but I would put my foot down and not have this person in my home until his family can give me some assurances. With my son, I am always ready to explain and discuss his needs with my family, so they feel informed and engaged. Meds are very tricky, and need constant adjustment. It's HARD. I feel for everyone involved in your situation, OP, but children's wellbeing MUST come first and you will have to defend them.

Not all special needs are the same.

Unless you have multiple children over 18 it's best you sit this one out before you start claiming you'd be fine with your kids future spouses bannig your disabled child from their homes.

When a kid gets hurt because there’s no plan in place or no acknowledgment that there is risk, who does that benefit? No one is saying ban him, but a couple people are saying it’s ok that children also be protected and taken care of.

It seems that there was a plan in place and acknowledgement of the risk based on how the tantrum was handled. What would you do differently, keep him in a straight jacket?

What I would do differently is, if a child in my family watched an adult scream, throw things, and then nearly hit them, the adults in the family would check in with the child to make sure they were ok. They would say “it’s not ok for Uncle Jim to hit or throw things, but he isn’t able to help it just like you couldn’t when you were small”.

I would not expect children in my family (my children or nieces and nephews) to experience adult outbursts like that without making sure they felt safe afterward. That’s how children come to fear and hate holidays with extended family.

+1

Some of the responses on this thread concern me. There is a balance between including a person with special needs and respecting a child’s right to feeling safe and to enjoy a peaceful holiday. It’s possible to express and feel empathy for all parties involved.

Did the OP say she didn’t address this with her kids?

It is not the sole responsibility of OP. If the kids are going to be exposed to this routinely they need to know that every adult there is looking out for them and wants them to be ok. Because if Uncle Jim has a meltdown and one of the thrown things is something they care about, or they do get hit next time (which is possible) they can’t just be SOL because mom was getting something out of the oven and Dad had to go to the bathroom. Yes, OPs family-in-law needs to make accommodations for her BIL but they also need to make accommodations for the children who are impacted— otherwise we’ll see them on DCUM as refusing to go to family holidays because they spent their childhood holidays hoping Uncle Jim didn’t melt down while none of the adults seemed to care that they were scared the whole time.

I guess I missed where OP said her 6 and 8 yr old experience this routinely, and they’ve never had a conversation with any of the adults about it.

Again. It isn’t “any” of the adults. Every adult there who is supporting BIL also has a responsibility to make sure the kids aren’t hurt, and the kids are getting just as much support from their family. It’s super weird you think children should watch someone throw, scream, and flail and the adults present should take no responsibility because “empathy”? Where’s your empathy for the children?

Huh? The children weren’t even touched. The BIL was removed from the situation so he could calm down. I don’t see how anyone did anything wrong in this situation.

NP. That’s insane you don’t see how there’s anything wrong with this situation, but you clearly have some kind of agenda so there will be no getting through to you.

DP. I don’t think anything is wrong with the situation so I guess I’m going to need it spelled out for me.

Do you routinely let your children watch an adult scream and throw things while flailing? If so, that would explain why this is not registering as “wrong” for you.

There is no point, PP. The person you’re trying to reason with is as bad as a far-right Trumper, but just equally as far as the other end of the spectrum.

DP. What a weird response.

[Anonymous]

OP - your kids are going to encounter people different from them in life. Some of those people might have physical or mental differences that make them move or act out in unpredictable, inconvenient, and even dangerous ways.

You can talk to your kids about this in a way that is factual, acknowledges their fear or curiosity, and shows empathy for your BIL. They should know how to keep themselves safe and that you will keep them safe, but also that BIL is not fully able to control his emotions and actions like most adults they know. My 8yr old is in a mixed special needs and gen Ed classroom with a teacher, a SN teacher, and push in aides. Some kids in his class need a lot of support. I was worried it would scare him because he’s shy and doesn’t like loud noises. It has been better than fine. He has a lot more empathy and understanding for his peers who have challenges that I expected or knew was possible for a kid his age.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would not want this man near my children, since clearly he can hurt them without meaning to. I have a child with special needs myself, so I understand that no blame attaches to this person. Yet the injuries a grown man can inflict on young children, especially on the head, are serious, so these behaviors actually DO need to be discussed and taken seriously. As is:

1. How often does he have tantrums like these?
2. Are there recognizable triggers?
3. When you're not around, does your husband guarantee that he will make sure his kids are never near enough to get accidentally hit?
4. Is there a better medication plan, since clearly this one is insufficient?
5. Long-term, what resources will be used to care for that BIL, and which institution will accept him?

These are hard conversations to have, but I would put my foot down and not have this person in my home until his family can give me some assurances. With my son, I am always ready to explain and discuss his needs with my family, so they feel informed and engaged. Meds are very tricky, and need constant adjustment. It's HARD. I feel for everyone involved in your situation, OP, but children's wellbeing MUST come first and you will have to defend them.

Not all special needs are the same.

Unless you have multiple children over 18 it's best you sit this one out before you start claiming you'd be fine with your kids future spouses bannig your disabled child from their homes.

When a kid gets hurt because there’s no plan in place or no acknowledgment that there is risk, who does that benefit? No one is saying ban him, but a couple people are saying it’s ok that children also be protected and taken care of.

It seems that there was a plan in place and acknowledgement of the risk based on how the tantrum was handled. What would you do differently, keep him in a straight jacket?

What I would do differently is, if a child in my family watched an adult scream, throw things, and then nearly hit them, the adults in the family would check in with the child to make sure they were ok. They would say “it’s not ok for Uncle Jim to hit or throw things, but he isn’t able to help it just like you couldn’t when you were small”.

I would not expect children in my family (my children or nieces and nephews) to experience adult outbursts like that without making sure they felt safe afterward. That’s how children come to fear and hate holidays with extended family.

+1

Some of the responses on this thread concern me. There is a balance between including a person with special needs and respecting a child’s right to feeling safe and to enjoy a peaceful holiday. It’s possible to express and feel empathy for all parties involved.

Did the OP say she didn’t address this with her kids?

It is not the sole responsibility of OP. If the kids are going to be exposed to this routinely they need to know that every adult there is looking out for them and wants them to be ok. Because if Uncle Jim has a meltdown and one of the thrown things is something they care about, or they do get hit next time (which is possible) they can’t just be SOL because mom was getting something out of the oven and Dad had to go to the bathroom. Yes, OPs family-in-law needs to make accommodations for her BIL but they also need to make accommodations for the children who are impacted— otherwise we’ll see them on DCUM as refusing to go to family holidays because they spent their childhood holidays hoping Uncle Jim didn’t melt down while none of the adults seemed to care that they were scared the whole time.

I guess I missed where OP said her 6 and 8 yr old experience this routinely, and they’ve never had a conversation with any of the adults about it.

Again. It isn’t “any” of the adults. Every adult there who is supporting BIL also has a responsibility to make sure the kids aren’t hurt, and the kids are getting just as much support from their family. It’s super weird you think children should watch someone throw, scream, and flail and the adults present should take no responsibility because “empathy”? Where’s your empathy for the children?

They did take responsibility, by removing BIL. There seems to be some belief here that this situation should not just have been reacted to (it was) but prevented. How? All BIL’s support network can do is react to the situation in the interest of safety. The only way to be sure the kids are never frightened is to prevent them from ever being with BIL, which isn’t reasonable.

That isn’t what I’m saying and I’m the poster who you’re responding to.

My point is that reacting is part one, and checking in with the children who have been scared is part two. That’s every adults responsibility in the same way it would be every adults responsibility to keep BIL from hurting himself. Once BIL is safe, every adult at some point should say to the children “Larla/Larlo, it’s not OK that uncle bill yelled and threw that plate, but uncle bill doesn’t understand that. We’re always here to make sure you’re safe, and if you ever feel scared it always ok to tell us.”

In my opinion that is what was missing from OPs experience.

I just don’t get why anyone other than the kids’ parents needs to do this. Surely those are the people best situated to do it. Who else needs to participate in it and why?

All of the related adults present. Because if this uncle is going to be a long term part of their lives as I hope he will be, their safety cannot depend on whether mom is holding boiling water or dad is currently restraining their uncle. They need to be comfortable going to another relative to say “hey I’m scared”. They also need to feel like they are safe to go to any of the other relatives if, for example, they see BIL doing something dangerous and their parents don’t happen to be the closest adult to them at the moment— they need to feel comfortable saying “hey uncle bill is really close to the pool” or whatever, not going to look for their parents as the sole adults who care about them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would not want this man near my children, since clearly he can hurt them without meaning to. I have a child with special needs myself, so I understand that no blame attaches to this person. Yet the injuries a grown man can inflict on young children, especially on the head, are serious, so these behaviors actually DO need to be discussed and taken seriously. As is:

1. How often does he have tantrums like these?
2. Are there recognizable triggers?
3. When you're not around, does your husband guarantee that he will make sure his kids are never near enough to get accidentally hit?
4. Is there a better medication plan, since clearly this one is insufficient?
5. Long-term, what resources will be used to care for that BIL, and which institution will accept him?

These are hard conversations to have, but I would put my foot down and not have this person in my home until his family can give me some assurances. With my son, I am always ready to explain and discuss his needs with my family, so they feel informed and engaged. Meds are very tricky, and need constant adjustment. It's HARD. I feel for everyone involved in your situation, OP, but children's wellbeing MUST come first and you will have to defend them.

Not all special needs are the same.

Unless you have multiple children over 18 it's best you sit this one out before you start claiming you'd be fine with your kids future spouses bannig your disabled child from their homes.

When a kid gets hurt because there’s no plan in place or no acknowledgment that there is risk, who does that benefit? No one is saying ban him, but a couple people are saying it’s ok that children also be protected and taken care of.

It seems that there was a plan in place and acknowledgement of the risk based on how the tantrum was handled. What would you do differently, keep him in a straight jacket?

What I would do differently is, if a child in my family watched an adult scream, throw things, and then nearly hit them, the adults in the family would check in with the child to make sure they were ok. They would say “it’s not ok for Uncle Jim to hit or throw things, but he isn’t able to help it just like you couldn’t when you were small”.

I would not expect children in my family (my children or nieces and nephews) to experience adult outbursts like that without making sure they felt safe afterward. That’s how children come to fear and hate holidays with extended family.

+1

Some of the responses on this thread concern me. There is a balance between including a person with special needs and respecting a child’s right to feeling safe and to enjoy a peaceful holiday. It’s possible to express and feel empathy for all parties involved.

Did the OP say she didn’t address this with her kids?

It is not the sole responsibility of OP. If the kids are going to be exposed to this routinely they need to know that every adult there is looking out for them and wants them to be ok. Because if Uncle Jim has a meltdown and one of the thrown things is something they care about, or they do get hit next time (which is possible) they can’t just be SOL because mom was getting something out of the oven and Dad had to go to the bathroom. Yes, OPs family-in-law needs to make accommodations for her BIL but they also need to make accommodations for the children who are impacted— otherwise we’ll see them on DCUM as refusing to go to family holidays because they spent their childhood holidays hoping Uncle Jim didn’t melt down while none of the adults seemed to care that they were scared the whole time.

I guess I missed where OP said her 6 and 8 yr old experience this routinely, and they’ve never had a conversation with any of the adults about it.

Again. It isn’t “any” of the adults. Every adult there who is supporting BIL also has a responsibility to make sure the kids aren’t hurt, and the kids are getting just as much support from their family. It’s super weird you think children should watch someone throw, scream, and flail and the adults present should take no responsibility because “empathy”? Where’s your empathy for the children?

They did take responsibility, by removing BIL. There seems to be some belief here that this situation should not just have been reacted to (it was) but prevented. How? All BIL’s support network can do is react to the situation in the interest of safety. The only way to be sure the kids are never frightened is to prevent them from ever being with BIL, which isn’t reasonable.

That isn’t what I’m saying and I’m the poster who you’re responding to.

My point is that reacting is part one, and checking in with the children who have been scared is part two. That’s every adults responsibility in the same way it would be every adults responsibility to keep BIL from hurting himself. Once BIL is safe, every adult at some point should say to the children “Larla/Larlo, it’s not OK that uncle bill yelled and threw that plate, but uncle bill doesn’t understand that. We’re always here to make sure you’re safe, and if you ever feel scared it always ok to tell us.”

In my opinion that is what was missing from OPs experience.

So it’s not enough that the adults actually kept the kids safe, and it’s not enough that the kids’ parents reassured them. In addition, every adult in the house was supposed to come up individually and reassure the kids?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would not want this man near my children, since clearly he can hurt them without meaning to. I have a child with special needs myself, so I understand that no blame attaches to this person. Yet the injuries a grown man can inflict on young children, especially on the head, are serious, so these behaviors actually DO need to be discussed and taken seriously. As is:

1. How often does he have tantrums like these?
2. Are there recognizable triggers?
3. When you're not around, does your husband guarantee that he will make sure his kids are never near enough to get accidentally hit?
4. Is there a better medication plan, since clearly this one is insufficient?
5. Long-term, what resources will be used to care for that BIL, and which institution will accept him?

These are hard conversations to have, but I would put my foot down and not have this person in my home until his family can give me some assurances. With my son, I am always ready to explain and discuss his needs with my family, so they feel informed and engaged. Meds are very tricky, and need constant adjustment. It's HARD. I feel for everyone involved in your situation, OP, but children's wellbeing MUST come first and you will have to defend them.

Not all special needs are the same.

Unless you have multiple children over 18 it's best you sit this one out before you start claiming you'd be fine with your kids future spouses bannig your disabled child from their homes.

When a kid gets hurt because there’s no plan in place or no acknowledgment that there is risk, who does that benefit? No one is saying ban him, but a couple people are saying it’s ok that children also be protected and taken care of.

It seems that there was a plan in place and acknowledgement of the risk based on how the tantrum was handled. What would you do differently, keep him in a straight jacket?

What I would do differently is, if a child in my family watched an adult scream, throw things, and then nearly hit them, the adults in the family would check in with the child to make sure they were ok. They would say “it’s not ok for Uncle Jim to hit or throw things, but he isn’t able to help it just like you couldn’t when you were small”.

I would not expect children in my family (my children or nieces and nephews) to experience adult outbursts like that without making sure they felt safe afterward. That’s how children come to fear and hate holidays with extended family.

+1

Some of the responses on this thread concern me. There is a balance between including a person with special needs and respecting a child’s right to feeling safe and to enjoy a peaceful holiday. It’s possible to express and feel empathy for all parties involved.

Did the OP say she didn’t address this with her kids?

It is not the sole responsibility of OP. If the kids are going to be exposed to this routinely they need to know that every adult there is looking out for them and wants them to be ok. Because if Uncle Jim has a meltdown and one of the thrown things is something they care about, or they do get hit next time (which is possible) they can’t just be SOL because mom was getting something out of the oven and Dad had to go to the bathroom. Yes, OPs family-in-law needs to make accommodations for her BIL but they also need to make accommodations for the children who are impacted— otherwise we’ll see them on DCUM as refusing to go to family holidays because they spent their childhood holidays hoping Uncle Jim didn’t melt down while none of the adults seemed to care that they were scared the whole time.

I guess I missed where OP said her 6 and 8 yr old experience this routinely, and they’ve never had a conversation with any of the adults about it.

Again. It isn’t “any” of the adults. Every adult there who is supporting BIL also has a responsibility to make sure the kids aren’t hurt, and the kids are getting just as much support from their family. It’s super weird you think children should watch someone throw, scream, and flail and the adults present should take no responsibility because “empathy”? Where’s your empathy for the children?

Huh? The children weren’t even touched. The BIL was removed from the situation so he could calm down. I don’t see how anyone did anything wrong in this situation.

NP. That’s insane you don’t see how there’s anything wrong with this situation, but you clearly have some kind of agenda so there will be no getting through to you.

DP. I don’t think anything is wrong with the situation so I guess I’m going to need it spelled out for me.

Do you routinely let your children watch an adult scream and throw things while flailing? If so, that would explain why this is not registering as “wrong” for you.

So you’re saying the appropriate response is that the kids spend 0 time with their SN uncle until they’re adults? Because they may sometimes witness behavior they find frightening?

No, I’ve explained the appropriate response— an acknowledgement And validation from the other adults— about six times now. At no point have I said they shouldn’t see their uncle.

For whatever it’s worth I’m not pulling this from nowhere. My grandmother started to experience cognitive decline in a way that was often scary for me and my sister. My aunts and uncles all made a point of telling us things like yes, this is scary, and Grandma shouldn’t say that but she doesn’t know better right now” and that was a big part in people feeling comfortable still letting their kids around Grandma.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would not want this man near my children, since clearly he can hurt them without meaning to. I have a child with special needs myself, so I understand that no blame attaches to this person. Yet the injuries a grown man can inflict on young children, especially on the head, are serious, so these behaviors actually DO need to be discussed and taken seriously. As is:

1. How often does he have tantrums like these?
2. Are there recognizable triggers?
3. When you're not around, does your husband guarantee that he will make sure his kids are never near enough to get accidentally hit?
4. Is there a better medication plan, since clearly this one is insufficient?
5. Long-term, what resources will be used to care for that BIL, and which institution will accept him?

These are hard conversations to have, but I would put my foot down and not have this person in my home until his family can give me some assurances. With my son, I am always ready to explain and discuss his needs with my family, so they feel informed and engaged. Meds are very tricky, and need constant adjustment. It's HARD. I feel for everyone involved in your situation, OP, but children's wellbeing MUST come first and you will have to defend them.

Not all special needs are the same.

Unless you have multiple children over 18 it's best you sit this one out before you start claiming you'd be fine with your kids future spouses bannig your disabled child from their homes.

When a kid gets hurt because there’s no plan in place or no acknowledgment that there is risk, who does that benefit? No one is saying ban him, but a couple people are saying it’s ok that children also be protected and taken care of.

It seems that there was a plan in place and acknowledgement of the risk based on how the tantrum was handled. What would you do differently, keep him in a straight jacket?

What I would do differently is, if a child in my family watched an adult scream, throw things, and then nearly hit them, the adults in the family would check in with the child to make sure they were ok. They would say “it’s not ok for Uncle Jim to hit or throw things, but he isn’t able to help it just like you couldn’t when you were small”.

I would not expect children in my family (my children or nieces and nephews) to experience adult outbursts like that without making sure they felt safe afterward. That’s how children come to fear and hate holidays with extended family.

+1

Some of the responses on this thread concern me. There is a balance between including a person with special needs and respecting a child’s right to feeling safe and to enjoy a peaceful holiday. It’s possible to express and feel empathy for all parties involved.

Did the OP say she didn’t address this with her kids?

It is not the sole responsibility of OP. If the kids are going to be exposed to this routinely they need to know that every adult there is looking out for them and wants them to be ok. Because if Uncle Jim has a meltdown and one of the thrown things is something they care about, or they do get hit next time (which is possible) they can’t just be SOL because mom was getting something out of the oven and Dad had to go to the bathroom. Yes, OPs family-in-law needs to make accommodations for her BIL but they also need to make accommodations for the children who are impacted— otherwise we’ll see them on DCUM as refusing to go to family holidays because they spent their childhood holidays hoping Uncle Jim didn’t melt down while none of the adults seemed to care that they were scared the whole time.

I guess I missed where OP said her 6 and 8 yr old experience this routinely, and they’ve never had a conversation with any of the adults about it.

Again. It isn’t “any” of the adults. Every adult there who is supporting BIL also has a responsibility to make sure the kids aren’t hurt, and the kids are getting just as much support from their family. It’s super weird you think children should watch someone throw, scream, and flail and the adults present should take no responsibility because “empathy”? Where’s your empathy for the children?

Huh? The children weren’t even touched. The BIL was removed from the situation so he could calm down. I don’t see how anyone did anything wrong in this situation.

NP. That’s insane you don’t see how there’s anything wrong with this situation, but you clearly have some kind of agenda so there will be no getting through to you.

DP. I don’t think anything is wrong with the situation so I guess I’m going to need it spelled out for me.

Do you routinely let your children watch an adult scream and throw things while flailing? If so, that would explain why this is not registering as “wrong” for you.

So you’re saying the appropriate response is that the kids spend 0 time with their SN uncle until they’re adults? Because they may sometimes witness behavior they find frightening?

No, I’ve explained the appropriate response— an acknowledgement And validation from the other adults— about six times now. At no point have I said they shouldn’t see their uncle.

For whatever it’s worth I’m not pulling this from nowhere. My grandmother started to experience cognitive decline in a way that was often scary for me and my sister. My aunts and uncles all made a point of telling us things like yes, this is scary, and Grandma shouldn’t say that but she doesn’t know better right now” and that was a big part in people feeling comfortable still letting their kids around Grandma.

DP. I think people are confusing you with the poster who said things like he’s lost his right to sit at the table or he should be in a institution that can handle him. You guys have very similar writing styles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would not want this man near my children, since clearly he can hurt them without meaning to. I have a child with special needs myself, so I understand that no blame attaches to this person. Yet the injuries a grown man can inflict on young children, especially on the head, are serious, so these behaviors actually DO need to be discussed and taken seriously. As is:

1. How often does he have tantrums like these?
2. Are there recognizable triggers?
3. When you're not around, does your husband guarantee that he will make sure his kids are never near enough to get accidentally hit?
4. Is there a better medication plan, since clearly this one is insufficient?
5. Long-term, what resources will be used to care for that BIL, and which institution will accept him?

These are hard conversations to have, but I would put my foot down and not have this person in my home until his family can give me some assurances. With my son, I am always ready to explain and discuss his needs with my family, so they feel informed and engaged. Meds are very tricky, and need constant adjustment. It's HARD. I feel for everyone involved in your situation, OP, but children's wellbeing MUST come first and you will have to defend them.

Not all special needs are the same.

Unless you have multiple children over 18 it's best you sit this one out before you start claiming you'd be fine with your kids future spouses bannig your disabled child from their homes.

When a kid gets hurt because there’s no plan in place or no acknowledgment that there is risk, who does that benefit? No one is saying ban him, but a couple people are saying it’s ok that children also be protected and taken care of.

It seems that there was a plan in place and acknowledgement of the risk based on how the tantrum was handled. What would you do differently, keep him in a straight jacket?

What I would do differently is, if a child in my family watched an adult scream, throw things, and then nearly hit them, the adults in the family would check in with the child to make sure they were ok. They would say “it’s not ok for Uncle Jim to hit or throw things, but he isn’t able to help it just like you couldn’t when you were small”.

I would not expect children in my family (my children or nieces and nephews) to experience adult outbursts like that without making sure they felt safe afterward. That’s how children come to fear and hate holidays with extended family.

+1

Some of the responses on this thread concern me. There is a balance between including a person with special needs and respecting a child’s right to feeling safe and to enjoy a peaceful holiday. It’s possible to express and feel empathy for all parties involved.

Did the OP say she didn’t address this with her kids?

It is not the sole responsibility of OP. If the kids are going to be exposed to this routinely they need to know that every adult there is looking out for them and wants them to be ok. Because if Uncle Jim has a meltdown and one of the thrown things is something they care about, or they do get hit next time (which is possible) they can’t just be SOL because mom was getting something out of the oven and Dad had to go to the bathroom. Yes, OPs family-in-law needs to make accommodations for her BIL but they also need to make accommodations for the children who are impacted— otherwise we’ll see them on DCUM as refusing to go to family holidays because they spent their childhood holidays hoping Uncle Jim didn’t melt down while none of the adults seemed to care that they were scared the whole time.

I guess I missed where OP said her 6 and 8 yr old experience this routinely, and they’ve never had a conversation with any of the adults about it.

Again. It isn’t “any” of the adults. Every adult there who is supporting BIL also has a responsibility to make sure the kids aren’t hurt, and the kids are getting just as much support from their family. It’s super weird you think children should watch someone throw, scream, and flail and the adults present should take no responsibility because “empathy”? Where’s your empathy for the children?

Huh? The children weren’t even touched. The BIL was removed from the situation so he could calm down. I don’t see how anyone did anything wrong in this situation.

NP. That’s insane you don’t see how there’s anything wrong with this situation, but you clearly have some kind of agenda so there will be no getting through to you.

DP. I don’t think anything is wrong with the situation so I guess I’m going to need it spelled out for me.

Do you routinely let your children watch an adult scream and throw things while flailing? If so, that would explain why this is not registering as “wrong” for you.

So you’re saying the appropriate response is that the kids spend 0 time with their SN uncle until they’re adults? Because they may sometimes witness behavior they find frightening?

No, I’ve explained the appropriate response— an acknowledgement And validation from the other adults— about six times now. At no point have I said they shouldn’t see their uncle.

For whatever it’s worth I’m not pulling this from nowhere. My grandmother started to experience cognitive decline in a way that was often scary for me and my sister. My aunts and uncles all made a point of telling us things like yes, this is scary, and Grandma shouldn’t say that but she doesn’t know better right now” and that was a big part in people feeling comfortable still letting their kids around Grandma.

DP. I think people are confusing you with the poster who said things like he’s lost his right to sit at the table or he should be in an institution that can handle him. You guys have very similar writing styles.

Oh. Fair enough. Ok I am not at All in favor of banishing the BIL I am only in favor of everyone looking out for the physical and emotional safety of the kids. Knowing my family was looking out for my kids would help me make sure my kids maintained a relationship with that side of the family and BIL because I would be able to do things like “go to the bathroom” or “speak to another adult” and not need to make sure never to let my eyes off two children in a house full of adults.