BIL almost hit my 6-yr-old DD

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
I would not want this man near my children, since clearly he can hurt them without meaning to. I have a child with special needs myself, so I understand that no blame attaches to this person. Yet the injuries a grown man can inflict on young children, especially on the head, are serious, so these behaviors actually DO need to be discussed and taken seriously. As is:

1. How often does he have tantrums like these?
2. Are there recognizable triggers?
3. When you're not around, does your husband guarantee that he will make sure his kids are never near enough to get accidentally hit?
4. Is there a better medication plan, since clearly this one is insufficient?
5. Long-term, what resources will be used to care for that BIL, and which institution will accept him?

These are hard conversations to have, but I would put my foot down and not have this person in my home until his family can give me some assurances. With my son, I am always ready to explain and discuss his needs with my family, so they feel informed and engaged. Meds are very tricky, and need constant adjustment. It's HARD. I feel for everyone involved in your situation, OP, but children's wellbeing MUST come first and you will have to defend them.

Not all special needs are the same.

Unless you have multiple children over 18 it's best you sit this one out before you start claiming you'd be fine with your kids future spouses bannig your disabled child from their homes.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What an opportune time to teach your children more about their uncle’s condition and some management skills. If they are upset or scared they can leave the room. If there is an accident then they can be comforted and the situation dealt with just as if it was any other situation that was beyond a person’s control. This man will be in their lives for some time. Teach them compassion.

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will say OP it would have been nice if your BILs caregiver or another adult on that side of the family— to include your husband— had checked in to make sure the kids were ok after what was probably a pretty dramatic event. That’s how we deal with hitting with toddlers, if similar cognitive ability, the attention goes to the victim not the hitter.

That said have *you* checked in with your kids? Because it’s more your responsibility than anyone else’s.

Have you ever dealt with a cognitively impaired grown adult? You don’t direct your energy to unharmed bystanders. You focus on getting your charge to a safe space so they can come down, which is exactly what the caretaker in this case did by leaving. OP and her husband are perfectly capable of displaying some empathy for the BIL and caretaker and handling their own children.

+1. Kudos to the brothers for including their sibling in Christmas dinner. He probably was so excited to attend but became overstimulated. Sounds like they took care of the situation appropriately.

Agree with both these posts. Also trying to figure out how OPs husband made the mistake of marrying her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would not want this man near my children, since clearly he can hurt them without meaning to. I have a child with special needs myself, so I understand that no blame attaches to this person. Yet the injuries a grown man can inflict on young children, especially on the head, are serious, so these behaviors actually DO need to be discussed and taken seriously. As is:

1. How often does he have tantrums like these?
2. Are there recognizable triggers?
3. When you're not around, does your husband guarantee that he will make sure his kids are never near enough to get accidentally hit?
4. Is there a better medication plan, since clearly this one is insufficient?
5. Long-term, what resources will be used to care for that BIL, and which institution will accept him?

These are hard conversations to have, but I would put my foot down and not have this person in my home until his family can give me some assurances. With my son, I am always ready to explain and discuss his needs with my family, so they feel informed and engaged. Meds are very tricky, and need constant adjustment. It's HARD. I feel for everyone involved in your situation, OP, but children's wellbeing MUST come first and you will have to defend them.

Not all special needs are the same.

Unless you have multiple children over 18 it's best you sit this one out before you start claiming you'd be fine with your kids future spouses bannig your disabled child from their homes.

When a kid gets hurt because there’s no plan in place or no acknowledgment that there is risk, who does that benefit? No one is saying ban him, but a couple people are saying it’s ok that children also be protected and taken care of.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would not want this man near my children, since clearly he can hurt them without meaning to. I have a child with special needs myself, so I understand that no blame attaches to this person. Yet the injuries a grown man can inflict on young children, especially on the head, are serious, so these behaviors actually DO need to be discussed and taken seriously. As is:

1. How often does he have tantrums like these?
2. Are there recognizable triggers?
3. When you're not around, does your husband guarantee that he will make sure his kids are never near enough to get accidentally hit?
4. Is there a better medication plan, since clearly this one is insufficient?
5. Long-term, what resources will be used to care for that BIL, and which institution will accept him?

These are hard conversations to have, but I would put my foot down and not have this person in my home until his family can give me some assurances. With my son, I am always ready to explain and discuss his needs with my family, so they feel informed and engaged. Meds are very tricky, and need constant adjustment. It's HARD. I feel for everyone involved in your situation, OP, but children's wellbeing MUST come first and you will have to defend them.

Not all special needs are the same.

Unless you have multiple children over 18 it's best you sit this one out before you start claiming you'd be fine with your kids future spouses bannig your disabled child from their homes.

When a kid gets hurt because there’s no plan in place or no acknowledgment that there is risk, who does that benefit? No one is saying ban him, but a couple people are saying it’s ok that children also be protected and taken care of.

It seems that there was a plan in place and acknowledgement of the risk based on how the tantrum was handled. What would you do differently, keep him in a straight jacket?

[Anonymous]

I have a similar brother. He cannot help it. Talk to your kids about being careful around him.

[Anonymous]

This has to be a troll, but for the responders that are not trolls, there is some interesting food for thought here. I have a child with profound ID. She is a teenager that is about nine months old cognitively. She also takes abilify, which was sort of a funny side note from the OP. Abilify isn’t some cure that makes someone that is cognitively a three year old function at a much older age.

Frankly, it is nuts that someone in OP’s position hasn’t already explained to their 6 year old that there is a family member that functions like a toddler. My younger daughter understood her sister was more like a baby from the time the younger kid was about 3. Her friends understood this from around age 4 or 5 as they came over for play dates. We would simply explain “this is sister. She won’t talk to you and you might notice she drinks from a sippy cup and wears diapers. She may look like a big kid, but she is more like a baby.” Some asked questions, some just observed. But they all quickly moved on and accepted the situation. I always let the parents know so that if their kid came home and asked questions, the parents would not be totally confused and would have a little background to be ready to answer. My youngest is 10 now, and her friends love to come over to our house.
None of them have ever made fun of her sister (at least not where my youngest was aware). They accept the situation and move on to having fun.

It sounds like the caregiver handled this really well. They removed the BIL from the triggering situation. It is really on OP and her husband to explain the situation and allow the 6 year old to ask questions. A 6 year old shouldn’t be terrified of a situation that they were prepped for (unless the 6 year old is particularly sensitive or anxious). It does not sound AT ALL like BIL is violent. BIL had a meltdown that was age appropriate for his cognitively ability. Someone should talk this through with the 6 year old. If the 6 year old is worried, then don’t sit them near BIL at the next family event. There are many ways to manage around this.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will say OP it would have been nice if your BILs caregiver or another adult on that side of the family— to include your husband— had checked in to make sure the kids were ok after what was probably a pretty dramatic event. That’s how we deal with hitting with toddlers, if similar cognitive ability, the attention goes to the victim not the hitter.

That said have *you* checked in with your kids? Because it’s more your responsibility than anyone else’s.

Have you ever dealt with a cognitively impaired grown adult? You don’t direct your energy to unharmed bystanders. You focus on getting your charge to a safe space so they can come down, which is exactly what the caretaker in this case did by leaving. OP and her husband are perfectly capable of displaying some empathy for the BIL and caretaker and handling their own children.

+1. Kudos to the brothers for including their sibling in Christmas dinner. He probably was so excited to attend but became overstimulated. Sounds like they took care of the situation appropriately.

I agree. I’m so impressed at how the family, other than OP, treat the disabled brother. They sound like a wonderful family.

As for OP, you don’t make decisions based on a single event that everyone was prepared to handle and were effective in handling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he has the mental age of a 3yo, and effectively had a tantrum, what good do you think saying something in the moment would have accomplished? You and your husband need to have an age appropriate conversation with your kids about the uncle’s condition and apologize that they were scared.

+1 and it doesn’t sound like bil was intentionally trying to harm your DD but it would’ve been an accident.

I don’t see anything wrong in what you’ve described and the only people who need correcting are you and DH’s parenting. Bil has always been this way and it sounds like everyone handled it.

[Anonymous]

I’ll be the outlier here.

OP, although the title of your post was poorly worded, if your instincts are telling you your daughter was in danger…trust your instincts. Regardless of the circumstances (e.g. disabled BIL, accidental hit) your daughter would have been hurt. I’m sure this was very scary for your kids. Kids come first over adults, disabled on not.

The time with this BIL would be very limited in controlled environments until the kids are older. No staying at our place on weekends. My sympathies, this is tough. But, your first responsibility is to your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he has the mental age of a 3yo, and effectively had a tantrum, what good do you think saying something in the moment would have accomplished? You and your husband need to have an age appropriate conversation with your kids about the uncle’s condition and apologize that they were scared.

+1

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:
I would not want this man near my children, since clearly he can hurt them without meaning to. I have a child with special needs myself, so I understand that no blame attaches to this person. Yet the injuries a grown man can inflict on young children, especially on the head, are serious, so these behaviors actually DO need to be discussed and taken seriously. As is:

1. How often does he have tantrums like these?
2. Are there recognizable triggers?
3. When you're not around, does your husband guarantee that he will make sure his kids are never near enough to get accidentally hit?
4. Is there a better medication plan, since clearly this one is insufficient?
5. Long-term, what resources will be used to care for that BIL, and which institution will accept him?

These are hard conversations to have, but I would put my foot down and not have this person in my home until his family can give me some assurances. With my son, I am always ready to explain and discuss his needs with my family, so they feel informed and engaged. Meds are very tricky, and need constant adjustment. It's HARD. I feel for everyone involved in your situation, OP, but children's wellbeing MUST come first and you will have to defend them.

Not all special needs are the same.

Unless you have multiple children over 18 it's best you sit this one out before you start claiming you'd be fine with your kids future spouses bannig your disabled child from their homes.

When a kid gets hurt because there’s no plan in place or no acknowledgment that there is risk, who does that benefit? No one is saying ban him, but a couple people are saying it’s ok that children also be protected and taken care of.

The parents needed to keep the kids at a safe distance from their uncle. It's not the uncle's fault. Op you're upset at yourself and your husband for putting your children in danger. Next time, YOU need to be more prepared and discuss with DH how to handle interactions with BIL safely.

Forgive yourself this lapse and plan for the future.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The OP claims they trade off weekends taking care of the BIL, yet acts so removed and distant towards him. This is someone with whom OP has supposedly spent a great deal of time and would understand their triggers and behaviors. OP should not require a responsibility from the caregiver because she is one of the caregivers with joint responsibility. It would be like if OP’s SN child had a tantrum and nearly hit their sibling accidentally, and OP expected her DH to apologize to her for it.

I was also confused about the fact that the BIL spends every other weekend at their house but their children are unfamiliar with BIL's tantrums. Is this the first time he's had a tantrum in front of them?

[Anonymous]

Okay but she DIDN’T get hit. So maybe she was scared for a couple of minutes. That’s not the end of the world. Learning experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The OP claims they trade off weekends taking care of the BIL, yet acts so removed and distant towards him. This is someone with whom OP has supposedly spent a great deal of time and would understand their triggers and behaviors. OP should not require a responsibility from the caregiver because she is one of the caregivers with joint responsibility. It would be like if OP’s SN child had a tantrum and nearly hit their sibling accidentally, and OP expected her DH to apologize to her for it.

I was also confused about the fact that the BIL spends every other weekend at their house but their children are unfamiliar with BIL's tantrums. Is this the first time he's had a tantrum in front of them?

That is why this has to be a troll. I’m the mom of the kid with profound ID. If the 6 and 8 year old spent much time with BIL, they would be fully aware of what might happen and how to handle it.

[Anonymous]

I don’t understand this OP at all. You have to accommodate disabled family members. You have to protect your kids. You can do both.

“Kids, Larlo has developmental delays that mean sometimes, he can’t control his actions. We love him and take care of him but you guys are little and I want to make sure you don’t get hurt. If Larlo gets upset, I want you to immediately move to the other side of the room. If we can’t help him calm down right away, I’m going to say “kids please wait in the family room.” If I say that, go right away to the family room and you can watch tv together until I come get you.”