Reply to BIL almost hit my 6-yr-old DD

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[quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous][quote=Anonymous]
I would not want this man near my children, since clearly he can hurt them without meaning to. I have a child with special needs myself, so I understand that no blame attaches to this person. Yet the injuries a grown man can inflict on young children, especially on the head, are serious, so these behaviors actually DO need to be discussed and taken seriously. As is:

1. How often does he have tantrums like these?
2. Are there recognizable triggers?
3. When you're not around, does your husband guarantee that he will make sure his kids are never near enough to get accidentally hit?
4. Is there a better medication plan, since clearly this one is insufficient?
5. Long-term, what resources will be used to care for that BIL, and which institution will accept him?

These are hard conversations to have, but I would put my foot down and not have this person in my home until his family can give me some assurances. With my son, I am always ready to explain and discuss his needs with my family, so they feel informed and engaged. Meds are very tricky, and need constant adjustment. It's HARD. I feel for everyone involved in your situation, OP, but children's wellbeing MUST come first and you will have to defend them.

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Not all special needs are the same.

Unless you have multiple children over 18 it's best you sit this one out before you start claiming you'd be fine with your kids future spouses bannig your disabled child from their homes.[/quote]

When a kid gets hurt because there’s no plan in place or no acknowledgment that there is risk, who does that benefit? No one is saying ban him, but a couple people are saying it’s ok that children also be protected and taken care of. [/quote]

It seems that there was a plan in place and acknowledgement of the risk based on how the tantrum was handled. What would you do differently, keep him in a straight jacket?[/quote]

What I would do differently is, if a child in my family watched an adult scream, throw things, and then nearly hit them, the adults in the family would check in with the child to make sure they were ok. They would say “it’s not ok for Uncle Jim to hit or throw things,  but he isn’t able to help it just like you couldn’t when you were small”.

I would not expect children in my family (my children or nieces and nephews) to experience adult outbursts like that without making sure they felt safe afterward. That’s how children come to fear and hate holidays with extended family. [/quote]

Some of the responses on this thread concern me. There is a balance between including a person with special needs and respecting a child’s right to feeling safe and to enjoy a peaceful holiday. It’s possible to express and feel empathy for all parties involved.[/quote]

Did the OP say she didn’t address this with her kids? [/quote]

It is not the sole responsibility of OP. If the kids are going to be exposed to this routinely they need to know that every adult there is looking out for them and wants them to be ok. Because if Uncle Jim has a meltdown and one of the thrown things is something they care about, or they do get hit next time (which is possible) they can’t just be SOL because mom was getting something out of the oven and Dad had to go to the bathroom. Yes, OPs family-in-law needs to make accommodations for her BIL but they also need to make accommodations for the children who are impacted— otherwise we’ll see them on DCUM as refusing to go to family holidays because they spent their childhood holidays hoping Uncle Jim didn’t melt down while none of the adults seemed to care that they were scared the whole time. [/quote]

I guess I missed where OP said her 6 and 8 yr old experience this routinely, and [b]they’ve never had a conversation with any of the adults about it[/b]. [/quote]

Again. It isn’t “any” of the adults. Every adult there who is supporting BIL also has a responsibility to make sure the kids aren’t hurt, and the kids are getting just as much support from their family. It’s super weird you think children should watch someone throw, scream, and flail and the adults present should take no responsibility because “empathy”? Where’s your empathy for the children?[/quote]

Huh? The children weren’t even touched. The BIL was removed from the situation so he could calm down.  I don’t see how anyone did anything wrong in this situation. [/quote]

NP. That’s insane you don’t see how there’s anything wrong with this situation, but you clearly have some kind of agenda so there will be no getting through to you.

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DP. I don’t think anything is wrong with the situation so I guess I’m going to need it spelled out for me. [/quote]

Do you routinely let your children watch an adult scream and throw things while flailing? If so, that would explain why this is not registering as “wrong” for you. [/quote]

So you’re saying the appropriate response is that the kids spend 0 time with their SN uncle until they’re adults? Because they may sometimes witness behavior they find frightening? [/quote]

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