BIL almost hit my 6-yr-old DD

[Anonymous]

My BIL is disabled both mentally and physically. He has a mental age of 3 and needs a lot of help with normal life activities.

BIL got overwhelmed at Christmas dinner and wanted to go home suddenly. He was actually staying with another BIL this weekend to give his caregiver a break (we trade off weekends). My BIL who is disabled started yelling, throwing things, and waving his arms. He almost hit my 6-yr-old daughter. My 8-yr-old son hid behind my husband.

My other BIL called an Uber and took my disabled BIL back to his house to calm down, but nobody mentioned that behavior like that is inappropriate, especially in front of kids. My DH says it would be out of place for me to say anything, but I feel something needs to be said.

BIL is on 10 mg of abilify, which does help somewhat, but clearly not enough.

[Anonymous]

Does BIL stay with you normally? I wouldn’t want him near my kids. But I assume there is plenty of backstory and family dynamics from your DH’s side that make this complicated.

[Anonymous]

If he has the mental age of a 3yo, and effectively had a tantrum, what good do you think saying something in the moment would have accomplished? You and your husband need to have an age appropriate conversation with your kids about the uncle’s condition and apologize that they were scared.

[Anonymous]

It sounds like he was waving his arms and his arms happened to be close to your daughter. He wasn't trying to hit her.

I agree with PP -- explain the situation to your kids about BIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he has the mental age of a 3yo, and effectively had a tantrum, what good do you think saying something in the moment would have accomplished? You and your husband need to have an age appropriate conversation with your kids about the uncle’s condition and apologize that they were scared.

+1. You are expecting more of a person with the mental capacity of a 3 year old than is reasonable, OP. Notably, you seem to be expecting more than you do of a person with the mental capacity of a 6 year old.

[Anonymous]

You don’t need your husband’s permission to talk with your children:

“Hey, I wanted to check in with you about what happened at dinner. Uncle Billy got really upset. It’s difficult for him to control himself sometimes. It was intense. How are you feeling about it? What questions might you have?”

[Anonymous]

Do you mean that it needs to be said to the BIL who is disabled? Sounds like he doesn't have the ability to control his behavior in these kind of situations. Do you think he reacted the way he did simply because no one has ever told him to behave appropriately?? Seems like big family holiday celebrations are too overwhelming and you should not expect him to participate in these kinds of events.

[Anonymous]

What a clickbait post title. Are you a troll?

If not, you have kids, so you presumably understand the futility of explaining appropriate behavior to an upset three year old.

The man was not trying to hurt your child. This would be a non-issue to me.

[Anonymous]

I'll try to say this gently because you're upset and angry and very understandably feeling that "mama bear" defensiveness re: your child:

If your BIL's mental age is 3, what would be the result of someone saying "behavior like that is inappropriate, especially in front of kids"? Your disabled BIL is, like a 3-year-old, not going to take that in, particularly if it's said to him while he's in the throes of a tantrum like the one you describe.

And saying that to whichever relative is charge of his care in that moment will not help the situation as it's happening, either. He got overwhelmed, he was removed (as quickly as possible in the situation, it seems, which is good).

Afterward maybe you can ask what can be done to help him not get so overwhelmed if there's a next time. Maybe the family and the regular caregiver--who might have seen this coming on and removed him sooner, maybe?-- can discuss if there are lessons like not having him at larger family events for more than a very limited time (so he doesn't get overwhelmed), or having someone with a car there be responsible for removing him if things get bad (so there's no waiting for an Uber or whatever).

I would focus instead on reassuring your own children. They will be around this relative all their lives and the family can come up with ways to talk about him that help them understand he's not an adult, though he looks like one. They may be too young to fully "get" that he doesn't control himself like their brains assume he should, based on their experience of people his age and size. Does he go to any programs for people with his disabilities? Programs that might be able to give you some resources for explaining to kids about people with his isssue?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he has the mental age of a 3yo, and effectively had a tantrum, what good do you think saying something in the moment would have accomplished? You and your husband need to have an age appropriate conversation with your kids about the uncle’s condition and apologize that they were scared.

+1. You are expecting more of a person with the mental capacity of a 3 year old than is reasonable, OP. Notably, you seem to be expecting more than you do of a person with the mental capacity of a 6 year old.

+2 seems like things were handled well on all sides. I’m sure it was scary OP, but that doesn’t mean it was avoidable or inappropriately handled.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My BIL is disabled both mentally and physically. He has a mental age of 3 and needs a lot of help with normal life activities.

BIL got overwhelmed at Christmas dinner and wanted to go home suddenly. He was actually staying with another BIL this weekend to give his caregiver a break (we trade off weekends). My BIL who is disabled started yelling, throwing things, and waving his arms. He almost hit my 6-yr-old daughter. My 8-yr-old son hid behind my husband.

My other BIL called an Uber and took my disabled BIL back to his house to calm down, but nobody mentioned that behavior like that is inappropriate, especially in front of kids. My DH says it would be out of place for me to say anything, but I feel something needs to be said.

BIL is on 10 mg of abilify, which does help somewhat, but clearly not enough.

He didn't try to hit your child. He had a meltdown as he is mentally disabled and physically disabled adn cannot control his body. You are absurd.

[Anonymous]

Op is trolling

[Anonymous]

OP, assuming you are not a sad, sad troll, have you not already discussed their uncle’s situation with your kids? If not, why not?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:If he has the mental age of a 3yo, and effectively had a tantrum, what good do you think saying something in the moment would have accomplished? You and your husband need to have an age appropriate conversation with your kids about the uncle’s condition and apologize that they were scared.

This.

[Anonymous]

Your post title is misleading and you sound like you have zero empathy whatsoever. It’s Christmas, be kind.