BIL almost hit my 6-yr-old DD

[Anonymous]

Wow, you sound like a real b, OP. Your kids are old enough to understand, your BIL is not cognitively able to handle himself and meant no harm.

[Anonymous]

I will say OP it would have been nice if your BILs caregiver or another adult on that side of the family— to include your husband— had checked in to make sure the kids were ok after what was probably a pretty dramatic event. That’s how we deal with hitting with toddlers, if similar cognitive ability, the attention goes to the victim not the hitter.

That said have *you* checked in with your kids? Because it’s more your responsibility than anyone else’s.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will say OP it would have been nice if your BILs caregiver or another adult on that side of the family— to include your husband— had checked in to make sure the kids were ok after what was probably a pretty dramatic event. That’s how we deal with hitting with toddlers, if similar cognitive ability, the attention goes to the victim not the hitter.

That said have *you* checked in with your kids? Because it’s more your responsibility than anyone else’s.

Have you ever dealt with a cognitively impaired grown adult? You don’t direct your energy to unharmed bystanders. You focus on getting your charge to a safe space so they can come down, which is exactly what the caretaker in this case did by leaving. OP and her husband are perfectly capable of displaying some empathy for the BIL and caretaker and handling their own children.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I will say OP it would have been nice if your BILs caregiver or another adult on that side of the family— to include your husband— had checked in to make sure the kids were ok after what was probably a pretty dramatic event. That’s how we deal with hitting with toddlers, if similar cognitive ability, the attention goes to the victim not the hitter.

That said have *you* checked in with your kids? Because it’s more your responsibility than anyone else’s.

There was no hitter. There was a flailer.

[Anonymous]

I think what OP wants is to say that the behavior was inappropriate and BIL shouldn’t be around her kids.

I think like anything else, just protect your kids. Explain the situation and don’t let them sit next to BIL in case he flails his arms again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will say OP it would have been nice if your BILs caregiver or another adult on that side of the family— to include your husband— had checked in to make sure the kids were ok after what was probably a pretty dramatic event. That’s how we deal with hitting with toddlers, if similar cognitive ability, the attention goes to the victim not the hitter.

That said have *you* checked in with your kids? Because it’s more your responsibility than anyone else’s.

There was no hitter. There was a flailer.

A flailer who “started yelling, throwing things, and waving his arms. He almost hit my 6-yr-old daughter. My 8-yr-old son hid behind my husband.”.

This would be terrifying to a six year old. Their family could validate that they’d been through something scary. The extended family acting like nothing happened isn’t fair on the children, and they’re going to resent time spent always tensed to run away at supposedly happy times.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:
My BIL is disabled both mentally and physically. He has a mental age of 3 and needs a lot of help with normal life activities.

BIL got overwhelmed at Christmas dinner and wanted to go home suddenly. He was actually staying with another BIL this weekend to give his caregiver a break (we trade off weekends). My BIL who is disabled started yelling, throwing things, and waving his arms. He almost hit my 6-yr-old daughter. My 8-yr-old son hid behind my husband.

My other BIL called an Uber and took my disabled BIL back to his house to calm down, but nobody mentioned that behavior like that is inappropriate, especially in front of kids. My DH says it would be out of place for me to say anything, but I feel something needs to be said.

BIL is on 10 mg of abilify, which does help somewhat, but clearly not enough.

You are ridiculous OP. Listen to your DH. It is his brother, right?

[Anonymous]

My uncle (on my father's side) was similarly disabled. My mother hated going to her in laws. He had epileptic seizures and was a big weird child-man. But my grandmother was great at explaining his issues and was always able to tell when he was about to have an episode. In the future, go ahead and take the kids out of the room and explain what is happening. Honestly, I was never traumatized by my uncle but in retrospect there was always an adult with him.

[Anonymous]

Have some empathy, OP. This is your husband’s brother.

What if one of your children was disabled like this? Wouldn’t you want your other child to include the disabled sibling during the holidays?

I would speak to the kids about this.

My friend, now divorced, couldn’t get over how her mentally ill disabled sister disrespected her. The family took the side of the disabled sister, including her husband.

[Anonymous]

The OP claims they trade off weekends taking care of the BIL, yet acts so removed and distant towards him. This is someone with whom OP has supposedly spent a great deal of time and would understand their triggers and behaviors. OP should not require a responsibility from the caregiver because she is one of the caregivers with joint responsibility. It would be like if OP’s SN child had a tantrum and nearly hit their sibling accidentally, and OP expected her DH to apologize to her for it.

[Anonymous]

* should not require an apology

[Anonymous]

I would not want this man near my children, since clearly he can hurt them without meaning to. I have a child with special needs myself, so I understand that no blame attaches to this person. Yet the injuries a grown man can inflict on young children, especially on the head, are serious, so these behaviors actually DO need to be discussed and taken seriously. As is:

1. How often does he have tantrums like these?
2. Are there recognizable triggers?
3. When you're not around, does your husband guarantee that he will make sure his kids are never near enough to get accidentally hit?
4. Is there a better medication plan, since clearly this one is insufficient?
5. Long-term, what resources will be used to care for that BIL, and which institution will accept him?

These are hard conversations to have, but I would put my foot down and not have this person in my home until his family can give me some assurances. With my son, I am always ready to explain and discuss his needs with my family, so they feel informed and engaged. Meds are very tricky, and need constant adjustment. It's HARD. I feel for everyone involved in your situation, OP, but children's wellbeing MUST come first and you will have to defend them.

[Anonymous]

What an opportune time to teach your children more about their uncle’s condition and some management skills. If they are upset or scared they can leave the room. If there is an accident then they can be comforted and the situation dealt with just as if it was any other situation that was beyond a person’s control. This man will be in their lives for some time. Teach them compassion.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I will say OP it would have been nice if your BILs caregiver or another adult on that side of the family— to include your husband— had checked in to make sure the kids were ok after what was probably a pretty dramatic event. That’s how we deal with hitting with toddlers, if similar cognitive ability, the attention goes to the victim not the hitter.

That said have *you* checked in with your kids? Because it’s more your responsibility than anyone else’s.

Have you ever dealt with a cognitively impaired grown adult? You don’t direct your energy to unharmed bystanders. You focus on getting your charge to a safe space so they can come down, which is exactly what the caretaker in this case did by leaving. OP and her husband are perfectly capable of displaying some empathy for the BIL and caretaker and handling their own children.

+1. Kudos to the brothers for including their sibling in Christmas dinner. He probably was so excited to attend but became overstimulated. Sounds like they took care of the situation appropriately.

[Anonymous]

I'm still trying to process the part of your post, OP, where you posit that a severely disabled adult with the cognitive capacity of a toddler should be lectured, along with his family, that his behavior is "inappropriate." Like he has any capacity to understand what that means or is making deliberate choices to engage in this behavior, and like his family hasn't been really bloody aware of this his entire life and it's agony for them.

I understand you are reacting viscerally to what you see as a threat to your children. But you're completely out in left field about every single aspect of this and you're not helping them or him. How much have you and your DH discussed his brother and his needs? It should be a lot more than it obviously has been if this is your understanding of the situation. Start there first.