Husband who never wants to do anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: While I understand your frustration, your husband is in a high stress position as a surgeon and deserves time at home in order to relax & recharge. He earns a high income & takes your kids to practices and to sports, so he is a good provider and a good father. The issue is that he neglects you in favor of video games.

Do you have a job ? If not, that may help take your mind off of this issue while also making you more interesting to your husband. I hate to write this, but you may just have too much time on your hands.

Sometimes people grow apart and sometimes people want different things in life. Your husband's life revolves around work, taking care of the kids, and recharging at home through TV & video games. Do you ever go together to the kids practices & sports ? What do you do ?

She obviously doesn't work FT or she would have said so by now.

Oh here we go. Why does it matter whether or how much she works as it pertains to her happiness when both parents are home together on the weekends?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family growing up had this dynamic…dad with an exhausting job (not surgeon, but construction/entrepreneur who spent Sundays asleep on his recliner all afternoon. Mom was an extrovert who worked part time and wanted to go do stuff on the weekends. Including the resentment she felt for him.

My dad was doing the best he could, and so was she.

They are divorced now. He can snooze in peace on Sunday, and she’s off on a trip to Asia tomorrow. But my childhood was full of tension because she couldn’t just let him relax and he was worn to the bone from work.

If you can’t let go of the resentment it will destroy your marriage and your life. Maybe that is Ok with you, but I’d try to understand him more. Ragging on him until he gives in makes everyone miserable, including your kids. Are the activities even fun after that? They weren’t for kid-me.

Get him to agree to one big outing every other weekend that you choose and arrange. 2-3 hours, not all day and not too late at night. Try this for 6 months and see how you feel.

Why not go to some local sports games? Go to a Wizards game or U-Md basketball game. Meet him halfway. I say this as a daughter of someone who lived and breathed sports. I wish I had met him halfway. With my kids, any activity with my dad revolves around sports and going out to eat before or after. I've accepted this and will not try to change it - this is what he likes to do. The memories together are more important than what you are doing.

He is exhausted and likely depressed. Why not just ask him what he is willing to do, and how often he is willing to do it? Most men do not want to go to a pumpkin patch. They do it to keep the peace.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP: While I understand your frustration, your husband is in a high stress position as a surgeon and deserves time at home in order to relax & recharge. He earns a high income & takes your kids to practices and to sports, so he is a good provider and a good father. The issue is that he neglects you in favor of video games.

Do you have a job ? If not, that may help take your mind off of this issue while also making you more interesting to your husband. I hate to write this, but you may just have too much time on your hands.

Sometimes people grow apart and sometimes people want different things in life. Your husband's life revolves around work, taking care of the kids, and recharging at home through TV & video games. Do you ever go together to the kids practices & sports ? What do you do ?

She obviously doesn't work FT or she would have said so by now.

Oh here we go. Why does it matter whether or how much she works as it pertains to her happiness when both parents are home together on the weekends?

If you don’t understand why someone who works long hours outside the home on their feet would have a different desire on the weekends than a SAHM then I’m sure anything I can say will help you understand. OP doesn’t seem to have much empathy for her husband.

[Anonymous]

OP's husband is valid in wanting to decompress from a stressful job on the weekend. OP is valid in wanting to do more things as a family. Ideally they should both compromise because that is what happens in relationships and families...I don't think there are many families where everyone agrees all the time on what to do.

So what could this look like? Maybe activities as a family 1-2x a month. Maybe start out with simple, low key things like going to a movie. Maybe H comes for a couple of days of a vacation then goes home. OP, if your H isn't even open to going to a movie all together then I would think that depression and/or burnt out-ness could be a factor and you both should talk about how to deal. And ultimately OP you can only control yourself, not others, so you need to decide how to move forward. Good luck.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow what a sad sack of shit you married. How did you find out about this so late

Dh just took kids to play sports. Dh likes to play sports, watch sports and play video games. He also agreed to go out for lunch.

I had to have a mini fit to do this.

He has friends and colleagues who are similar. He said most men don’t want to go see Christmas lights or go to kid activities.

He said he will go away for spring break. Going to a Caribbean resort should not be such a chore.

He’s right. Most men don’t. I don’t particularly enjoy playing Candyland or dolllhouse with my pre-K kid either. We do things for the children we chose to have.

It’s called adulthood and parenting. He should try it sometime.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DH never wants to go anywhere. He doesn’t want to go out to eat. He doesn’t want to go on an outing. He just wants to sit on the couch and watch tv and play video games.

He will take kids to activities and sports when scheduled. If not, he doesn’t want to do anything.

Planning a vacation is a chore. He doesn’t want to visit my family. He doesn’t want to visit his family. He doesn’t want to do anything.

Dh does have a demanding job and earns a high income. I feel like I often give him a pass because of his job. With Covid, he has gotten so used to this do nothing lifestyle. It is such a turnoff. When I look at him, I wonder why I am married to this guy.

If you have a low energy or boring spouse, how do you handle?

I usually just take the kids to do something alone and he loves just sitting at home alone. I tried to plan something for today and he got annoyed. I said I may take kids out and he seems happy. He asked if I could bring him food since he doesn’t want to eat out with us. Just typing this makes me feel so disappointed.

Visiting family is not a vacation!!!

So you take the kids — what happens if you spend the day at home? Does he play video games with the kids? Does he ignore them and you?

I agree with Pp - how is sex life?

Better than yours

Are you OP saying you have a great sex life? What about other questions.

Would DH say it’s better, that’s who matters in this discussion (we have sex 3x week… we never have sex… we have sex 3x week… we are always having sex)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your husband sounds like a beta male

You’re lost. Go back to Parler.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband is valid in wanting to decompress from a stressful job on the weekend. OP is valid in wanting to do more things as a family. Ideally they should both compromise because that is what happens in relationships and families...I don't think there are many families where everyone agrees all the time on what to do.

So what could this look like? Maybe activities as a family 1-2x a month. Maybe start out with simple, low key things like going to a movie. Maybe H comes for a couple of days of a vacation then goes home. OP, if your H isn't even open to going to a movie all together then I would think that depression and/or burnt out-ness could be a factor and you both should talk about how to deal. And ultimately OP you can only control yourself, not others, so you need to decide how to move forward. Good luck.

Why the F do their family activities have to involve GOING somewhere.

Have takeout a family game night. Im sure he’ll participate

[Anonymous]

Does he have a strong sex drive?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. My husband is the same. Never takes any initiative to plan fun family outings and either refuses to go to anything I plan, or if he does go, it’s very begrudgingly and obvious he’s just “checking the box” and can’t wait to get back home to the couch, TV, and iPad. So no advice, only commiseration. I refuse to sit at home all weekend so I take the kids out by myself and we all have fun together. At this point I feel like it’s DH’s loss.

He didn’t want to go any fall festivals. Now he doesn’t want to do any holiday events either. He definitely does not want to go see some Xmas lights because it is only thanksgiving. Museum? No. Movies? No. Have people over? No. Everything is just a no. I guess I will put up the tree today. He will help reluctantly. Everything is just so forced.

My DH is sometimes like this. I just do it on my own, with the kids or without, and usually invite a group of friends to join me. I’m not letting DHs laziness affect the things I want to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband is valid in wanting to decompress from a stressful job on the weekend. OP is valid in wanting to do more things as a family. Ideally they should both compromise because that is what happens in relationships and families...I don't think there are many families where everyone agrees all the time on what to do.

So what could this look like? Maybe activities as a family 1-2x a month. Maybe start out with simple, low key things like going to a movie. Maybe H comes for a couple of days of a vacation then goes home. OP, if your H isn't even open to going to a movie all together then I would think that depression and/or burnt out-ness could be a factor and you both should talk about how to deal. And ultimately OP you can only control yourself, not others, so you need to decide how to move forward. Good luck.

Why the F do their family activities have to involve GOING somewhere.

Have takeout a family game night. Im sure he’ll participate

.

Thus. Would he be opposed to a family movie night or game night?

Not saying this is OP, but I think some people get caught up in doing Instagram type outings do their can post pictures of their perfect lives

.Do things at home. Save large outings for seasonal stuff and then maybe only one or two not every weekend.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Was he like this when you met him or is this a change?

DH is a surgeon so his job is demanding and stressful. He was a resident when we got married and had kids so he was kind of always like this. He would work a lot, study for boards, do research and then help out with the baby.

I also had a busy life, had lots of friends and hung out with Dh so it didn’t bother me as much. We didn’t really share the same interests but I thought we complimented one another well.

Now I purposely don’t make my own plans so we can spend time as a family but Dh just wants to sit around all day.

Stop doing that. Go back to doing things you like to do.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I'm guessing OP either does not work, works PT, or works a very low stress job.

You have no idea how draining a high stress job is OP.

I'm not OP but am in a very similar situation and I am the high earner/work most hours in the family, so no, it's not that. He's just an introvert and kind of lazy and doesn't want to do anything fun, and he doesn't have any friends.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow what a sad sack of shit you married. How did you find out about this so late

Dh just took kids to play sports. Dh likes to play sports, watch sports and play video games. He also agreed to go out for lunch.

I had to have a mini fit to do this.

He has friends and colleagues who are similar. He said most men don’t want to go see Christmas lights or go to kid activities.

He said he will go away for spring break. Going to a Caribbean resort should not be such a chore.

He’s right. Most men don’t. I don’t particularly enjoy playing Candyland or dolllhouse with my pre-K kid either. We do things for the children we chose to have.

It’s called adulthood and parenting. He should try it sometime.

+1 amazing how many men can put their young child's needs and development before their own wants to watch TV. so amazing.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:OP's husband is valid in wanting to decompress from a stressful job on the weekend. OP is valid in wanting to do more things as a family. Ideally they should both compromise because that is what happens in relationships and families...I don't think there are many families where everyone agrees all the time on what to do.

So what could this look like? Maybe activities as a family 1-2x a month. Maybe start out with simple, low key things like going to a movie. Maybe H comes for a couple of days of a vacation then goes home. OP, if your H isn't even open to going to a movie all together then I would think that depression and/or burnt out-ness could be a factor and you both should talk about how to deal. And ultimately OP you can only control yourself, not others, so you need to decide how to move forward. Good luck.

Why the F do their family activities have to involve GOING somewhere.

Have takeout a family game night. Im sure he’ll participate

.

Thus. Would he be opposed to a family movie night or game night?

Not saying this is OP, but I think some people get caught up in doing Instagram type outings do their can post pictures of their perfect lives

.Do things at home. Save large outings for seasonal stuff and then maybe only one or two not every weekend.

Staying home all the time is a missed opportunity, especially in such a cool area as washington DC.

Plus it doesn't really work well after 3rd grade as the kids want to hang out with their friends more, as they should!