Husband who never wants to do anything

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Wow what a sad sack of shit you married. How did you find out about this so late

Some of his friends just point blank won’t go. Dh will go eventually…

A few years ago before Covid, I was so fed up that I took the kids solo on a trip but didn’t tell him where I was going. He woke up and was good for a while and then Covid happened. Dh is not a lazy person but his most preferred state is to do nothing, look at his phone, watch sports or play video games. He is willing and enjoys playing sports with our kids and his own friends. I think he does it for exercise purposes.

I guess he will give in occasionally thinking it is better than divorce.

He does let me do whatever I want as long as I take the kids.

I work at a hospital, OP. Covid has been brutal on the clinical staff. He sounds like he got burned out and hasn’t been able to reset.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m sorry, OP. My husband is the same. Never takes any initiative to plan fun family outings and either refuses to go to anything I plan, or if he does go, it’s very begrudgingly and obvious he’s just “checking the box” and can’t wait to get back home to the couch, TV, and iPad. So no advice, only commiseration. I refuse to sit at home all weekend so I take the kids out by myself and we all have fun together. At this point I feel like it’s DH’s loss.

He didn’t want to go any fall festivals. Now he doesn’t want to do any holiday events either. He definitely does not want to go see some Xmas lights because it is only thanksgiving. Museum? No. Movies? No. Have people over? No. Everything is just a no. I guess I will put up the tree today. He will help reluctantly. Everything is just so forced.

These festivals and holiday events are fun for some but others really don’t enjoy. Just like some people loooove Disney and others find it fake/crowded/overpriced. Some people are just more homebodies. It’s not a virtue to be running around to places all the time. If you enjoy them that’s great, but obviously he doesn’t. Your way isn’t better. The issue is that he isn’t being flexible and compromising to join you sometimes to keep you company because it means a lot to you. He’s not ever going to want to go to these places, but it would be kind and nice if he could sometimes participate in spite of his personal preference to stay home.

I mean, I am naturally lazy and would rather curl up on the couch and watch Netflix, but I take my kids to fall festivals (and for hikes, to the playground etc.) because it is good for them and me to be physically active outdoors. That’s what being a parent is about.

You sound like you have very small children and you have found that for your family these activities burn off energy and give you the right balance. That’s great. Not all families are the same as you. Gasp, many have parents who work weekends or night shifts, or need to help elderly family members etc etc. Not everyone can spend the weekend traipsing through crowded pumpkin patches and hiking with toddlers and feel re-charged to go be a freakin surgeon during the week. It is not bad parenting to spend time at home with your family, dutifully take your kids to activities, etc.

A “freakin surgeon” LOL. Half my family is surgeons, they are not gods and there is no need to deify them. There are plenty of stressful jobs out there. But if you sign up to be a parent then you need to be a parent. Sorry but you will never convince me that a weekend of vegging in front of screens is as good as getting outside. Doesn’t have to be a structured event or festival, can be a hike.

She didn’t say he was a sloth in front of a screen. You assumed that. He could be playing soccer in the backyard with the kids or washing the car in the driveway or shooting hoops. But it sounds like these activities aren’t parenting because they aren’t insta worthy or whatever narrow definition you have of outdoorsy virtue that must take place off the household premises. No one called a surgeon a god. The point was that it is a job that clearly requires sustained focus, and a lack thereof can have high level consequences. It is different than a lot of lower pressure jobs and you know that.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband isn’t a couch potato but has no interest in Instagram family events like fall festivals, holiday lights tours, etc.

Nailed it. Instagram has come to define family life and women have bought into it much more than men. Taking your kids to festivals (of consumption) isn’t “being a parent.” It’s consuming in a way that society has taught you is virtuous (and screen free!)

It’s sad that Instagram has come to define so much of your life, that you demean activities simply because they are “Instagrammable”. Do you also refuse to decorate the tree and go on vacation because those are Instagrammable moments?

DP but yes I refuse to decorate “the tree.” Because I don’t celebrate Christmas.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband isn’t a couch potato but has no interest in Instagram family events like fall festivals, holiday lights tours, etc.

Nailed it. Instagram has come to define family life and women have bought into it much more than men. Taking your kids to festivals (of consumption) isn’t “being a parent.” It’s consuming in a way that society has taught you is virtuous (and screen free!)

It’s sad that Instagram has come to define so much of your life, that you demean activities simply because they are “Instagrammable”. Do you also refuse to decorate the tree and go on vacation because those are Instagrammable moments?

DP but yes I refuse to decorate “the tree.” Because I don’t celebrate Christmas.

Indian?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:If he is working 60 hours a week and makes over 500k as a surgeon, then live with it and don’t complain. Think about how many women would love this arrangement. 500k income from spouse and the spouse takes kids to practices and sports. I woukd love it if my wife made 500k.

Low standards? My DH is an entrepreneur and is making close a million this year. He is a homebody and doesn’t plan outings. But he willingly joins when I plan. Also when he is home he doesn’t play video games because he is a grown man. Some occasional TV after the kids are in bed. When the kids are awake, either playing with them, getting things done around the house, or working from his home office if there is something urgent.

OP, your DH sounds depressed. He needs medication.

That's a petty and narrow minded view of the world. Plenty of grown men and women play video games. Why do people act like it's so different from watching TV?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m so sorry you married a guy a demanding job, who takes the kids to their activities, and wants to relax at home during his downtime. We share your bitter disappointment, and our thoughts are with you during these trying times. Hugs.

Seriously!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband isn’t a couch potato but has no interest in Instagram family events like fall festivals, holiday lights tours, etc.

Nailed it. Instagram has come to define family life and women have bought into it much more than men. Taking your kids to festivals (of consumption) isn’t “being a parent.” It’s consuming in a way that society has taught you is virtuous (and screen free!)

It’s sad that Instagram has come to define so much of your life, that you demean activities simply because they are “Instagrammable”. Do you also refuse to decorate the tree and go on vacation because those are Instagrammable moments?

DP but yes I refuse to decorate “the tree.” Because I don’t celebrate Christmas.

Indian?

Because Indians are the only people who don’t celebrate Christmas?

[Anonymous]

Your husband is most likely dealing with depression.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Could working during Covid as a surgeon for the past three years have anything to do with exhaustion and just wanting to rest OP?

I'm amazed at how many of you don't have any empathy for someone who is obviously exhausted and depressed. Also, surgeons tend to have really early hours, don't they?

OP, can you ask him to do one thing per month, to start, and plan ahead of time. That may be al he can take right now.

This.

Depression is right in front of Op's face.

[Anonymous]

This was my DH ten years ago. I didn't see it at the time, but he was depressed. Things came to a head at a certain point and he admitted he was having trouble dealing with things and talked to a therapist. Things have been so much better since. I honestly didn't think he was depressed, but in retrospect, it was pretty obvious something was not right.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband isn’t a couch potato but has no interest in Instagram family events like fall festivals, holiday lights tours, etc.

Nailed it. Instagram has come to define family life and women have bought into it much more than men. Taking your kids to festivals (of consumption) isn’t “being a parent.” It’s consuming in a way that society has taught you is virtuous (and screen free!)

It’s sad that Instagram has come to define so much of your life, that you demean activities simply because they are “Instagrammable”. Do you also refuse to decorate the tree and go on vacation because those are Instagrammable moments?

Not on Instagram.

Just decorated the tree and might go to tree lighting in town if I feel like it. It’s ok if I don’t!

Thanks for your concern.

[Anonymous]

SAHM’s (or women with hobby jobs) and high earning extremely busy husbands tout this as their preferred division of household labor. For some people it works.

But this is the downside. If OP and her husband each worked a “normal” job he’d probably have more energy for family life. Instead he chose to kill himself at work while she stays home. She will never understand his stress and exhaustion, and she doesn’t understand why her friends’ husbands who do software sales or whatever have plenty of energy come the weekend.

[Anonymous]

My family growing up had this dynamic…dad with an exhausting job (not surgeon, but construction/entrepreneur who spent Sundays asleep on his recliner all afternoon. Mom was an extrovert who worked part time and wanted to go do stuff on the weekends. Including the resentment she felt for him.

My dad was doing the best he could, and so was she.

They are divorced now. He can snooze in peace on Sunday, and she’s off on a trip to Asia tomorrow. But my childhood was full of tension because she couldn’t just let him relax and he was worn to the bone from work.

If you can’t let go of the resentment it will destroy your marriage and your life. Maybe that is Ok with you, but I’d try to understand him more. Ragging on him until he gives in makes everyone miserable, including your kids. Are the activities even fun after that? They weren’t for kid-me.

Get him to agree to one big outing every other weekend that you choose and arrange. 2-3 hours, not all day and not too late at night. Try this for 6 months and see how you feel.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My family growing up had this dynamic…dad with an exhausting job (not surgeon, but construction/entrepreneur who spent Sundays asleep on his recliner all afternoon. Mom was an extrovert who worked part time and wanted to go do stuff on the weekends. Including the resentment she felt for him.

My dad was doing the best he could, and so was she.

They are divorced now. He can snooze in peace on Sunday, and she’s off on a trip to Asia tomorrow. But my childhood was full of tension because she couldn’t just let him relax and he was worn to the bone from work.

If you can’t let go of the resentment it will destroy your marriage and your life. Maybe that is Ok with you, but I’d try to understand him more. Ragging on him until he gives in makes everyone miserable, including your kids. Are the activities even fun after that? They weren’t for kid-me.

Get him to agree to one big outing every other weekend that you choose and arrange. 2-3 hours, not all day and not too late at night. Try this for 6 months and see how you feel.

Me again. Get him to agree that you won’t rag on him to do it, and he will participate gracefully. That’s essential.

[Anonymous]

NP here ~ The Above is such good advice