We can’t afford it but she wants it. What do I say?

[Anonymous]

I really don't see how this is possible on an income of $220k.

Also, the advice that if you can't agree, you do private was backwards, obviously. If you can't agree, you do the free option that doesn't put you in the red.

I'm another poster with a high HHI ($750k) and we are public all the way. I would do private if I had a child with a special need that wasn't being accommodated, but not just because I'm afraid of the public schools. Usually our biases about things like that are based on little more than hearsay. I thought the local middle school couldn't be good because it's not accredited. Well, it's not accredited because one of the feeder schools is very high poverty. But it's an amazing school with enthusiastic teachers, school spirit, etc. If I had gone on gossip and test scores I would have missed something really special. And now we have more money for travel, extracurriculars, etc.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to show her the actual numbers. You have to be prepared with your own financial bottom line on retirement, emergency savings, and college savings.

People like your wife are "fuzzy thinkers" about money. You cannot let their fuzziness, denial, and wishful thinking ruin your own finances.

Sorry to say you'll just have to be very assertive and put your foot down.

If she insists, you may have no other option than to separate finances, if you don't already. That is, you get your own bank account, and your paycheck goes there. You contribute 50% of the joint expenses, and then what you have decided into retirement, emergency savings, and college fund. If she thinks she can pay for private school entirely out of her own money, then she can do that. But I assume she cannot.

I know this sounds harsh, but you can't let her ruin your and your children's economic futures.

It’s doesn’t sound harsh, it sounds clueless. What are you 80? Put the little woman in her place…
Follow this advice, Op, and it won’t end well.

PP here. I am actually in this scenario with the genders reversed, so. It is actually MORE crucial for women to operate this way if there are intractable disagreements about money.

Regardless of gender, I'm not sure what you think a financial partner is supposed to do when the other party wants to spend money the partnership does not have or that creates financial risk. The "separate finances" approach is not fairy tale, but (short of divorce) it's the best way to manage a financially irresponsible partner.

They need to put their heads together and find something that's agreeable. Only send for high school and keep them in public for the middle school. Look for a cheaper alternative. Cut out vacations.
Marriages don't work out to just say - nope - we'll do separate finances and that's that. There is some middle ground that you need to find.

Ideally that’s how it works. But if one spouse is financially irresponsible or exploitative, the other spouse has to protect themselves. OP’s wife is trying to pressure him into pretty seriously prejudicing his finances in an irrational way.

[Anonymous]

i want to meet this wife! sounds like a keeper to me!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to show her the actual numbers. You have to be prepared with your own financial bottom line on retirement, emergency savings, and college savings.

People like your wife are "fuzzy thinkers" about money. You cannot let their fuzziness, denial, and wishful thinking ruin your own finances.

Sorry to say you'll just have to be very assertive and put your foot down.

If she insists, you may have no other option than to separate finances, if you don't already. That is, you get your own bank account, and your paycheck goes there. You contribute 50% of the joint expenses, and then what you have decided into retirement, emergency savings, and college fund. If she thinks she can pay for private school entirely out of her own money, then she can do that. But I assume she cannot.

I know this sounds harsh, but you can't let her ruin your and your children's economic futures.

It’s doesn’t sound harsh, it sounds clueless. What are you 80? Put the little woman in her place…
Follow this advice, Op, and it won’t end well.

PP here. I am actually in this scenario with the genders reversed, so. It is actually MORE crucial for women to operate this way if there are intractable disagreements about money.

Regardless of gender, I'm not sure what you think a financial partner is supposed to do when the other party wants to spend money the partnership does not have or that creates financial risk. The "separate finances" approach is not fairy tale, but (short of divorce) it's the best way to manage a financially irresponsible partner.

They need to put their heads together and find something that's agreeable. Only send for high school and keep them in public for the middle school. Look for a cheaper alternative. Cut out vacations.
Marriages don't work out to just say - nope - we'll do separate finances and that's that. There is some middle ground that you need to find.

Ideally that’s how it works. But if one spouse is financially irresponsible or exploitative, the other spouse has to protect themselves. OP’s wife is trying to pressure him into pretty seriously prejudicing his finances in an irrational way.

OPs wife could say he doesn’t care about their education. We’re not there yet - there is still time to come to a mutual agreement.

[Anonymous]

No…

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW wants to send our kids to private schools (HS and MS). The publics near us are okay but not great. I would like to send them to private too but it would put a lot of pressure on our finances. We definitely don’t qualify for financial aid. Even if we tighten our budget (and reduce our savings contribution to zero) we would still be short every month (around $500 to $1k depending on how much we tighten). We have a decent e-fund but I’d like to save it for emergencies and not covering any gaps that might come from this.

When I brought these concerns up, she said she would take money out of their college fund to cover it, which isn’t as robust as it should be, and even reduce her retirement savings. She also seems to assuming we’re going to be making more in later years. This just concerns me on so many levels, esp if something unexpected were to happen (job loss, car breakdown, etc.) I don’t want to jeopardize our finances but not sure how to help her see how this could impacts us. Help!

It's too hard to tell from your post if you really can't afford it or not.
What does cutting savings down to zero really mean? To some people that actually means a nominal amount of 5 - 10% per paycheck. They make so much that such amount feels to them like zero.
How much do you already have in savings? Are you talking like 2 years of living expenses for emergency funds? Where are those savings? Are they liquid or does it mean you have to cash something in and might take a tax hit?
You are right - you can't bank on the idea that you will definitely make more in later years.
No college savings might or might not be a problem. How much do you already have saved for college?
Would you still be putting thousands each year towards vacations? Gifts?
I wouldn't waste the money on private middle school but consider private high school but know why. Do you think it will give your kid a leg up in college admissions? Make sure to check where students are going to college. Many times the local private schools have a lot of kids going to the same colleges as the run of the mill public high school.

I mean, their HHI is 220k and they have TWO kids that the wife wants to put in private. Most of us at that HHI don’t have an extra $50-80k in the budget.

That's our HHI and we've hesitated adopting a second dog because of the vet bills, to put it in perspective. It would be very hard to add $80k of expenses to our budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Public schools often do a better job in college admissions than privates. Spend extra money on tutors and extracurricular academic programs which will be a tiny amount compared to private school. Your kids will be top dogs at the public and have great college options, including for merit aid.

Focus on math, writing, and science tutoring.

Everybody wins and you can still save for college and retirement.

+1. We have a high HHI of $600K, can afford private (not in DC area), kids go to a good public school (not the best in the area). We spend a ton of money on enrichment, tutoring. Feels like we get better ROI vs. paying for privates.

+1. We are in the same boat. Applied to private last year but turned it down bc the $50K/year is just stupid. Instead, we save money, spend on enrichment and live a stress-free life. It is so nice to not worry about a tuition bill that would hamstring us.

OP, I went to a fancy private school. I had a wonderful experience and credit a lot of my life experiences to that private school. However, my younger sibling who went to a public school is pretty on par with salary and career as myself. I make $450K (attorney) and he makes $450K (doctor). One in private and the other in public. WE also both went to the same state flagship school.

I think way too much stock is put in private school. If your kid is in a good public with parents who support and foster education, your DC will be just fine. Save the money,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Public schools often do a better job in college admissions than privates. Spend extra money on tutors and extracurricular academic programs which will be a tiny amount compared to private school. Your kids will be top dogs at the public and have great college options, including for merit aid.

Focus on math, writing, and science tutoring.

Everybody wins and you can still save for college and retirement.

+1. We have a high HHI of $600K, can afford private (not in DC area), kids go to a good public school (not the best in the area). We spend a ton of money on enrichment, tutoring. Feels like we get better ROI vs. paying for privates.

+1. We are in the same boat. Applied to private last year but turned it down bc the $50K/year is just stupid. Instead, we save money, spend on enrichment and live a stress-free life. It is so nice to not worry about a tuition bill that would hamstring us.

OP, I went to a fancy private school. I had a wonderful experience and credit a lot of my life experiences to that private school. However, my younger sibling who went to a public school is pretty on par with salary and career as myself. I make $450K (attorney) and he makes $450K (doctor). One in private and the other in public. WE also both went to the same state flagship school.

I think way too much stock is put in private school. If your kid is in a good public with parents who support and foster education, your DC will be just fine. Save the money,

This just occurred to me, reading your post. I wonder if a family with a $900k HHI feels less pressure to go to private because you've already proved your worth and you might not have class anxiety. I wonder if OP's wife doesn't feel as secure, and so she's pushing to send the kids to private because she feels she needs the validation of the kids being in private - and also I wonder if she feels the kids need to be socialized around the super rich kids in a way you don't because you're so wealthy.

Sort of the same way that rich people can bang around in a sh***y car because they don't have to prove anything to anyone, but someone who is more middle class feels the need to drive a good car in order to prove they belong.

(And I believe anyone with a HHI of $220k is doing awesome and should feel very good about what they've gotten in this hard life, but it may be that OP's wife feels like she wants to open up a different world to her kids or feels some class anxiety.)

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP here- we both work. HHI around $220k. We drive older cars hence my car breakdown concerns. We refinanced during the pandemic but it’s now on a 15 year and there’s no way we’d refinance to a 30 year now. (Clearly weren’t anticipating this). We are otherwise fairly conservative on spending- but the DC area is still what it is. The schools being considered are on the cheaper side for private— around $35k for the HS. We may be able to compromise and send them to only HS, but I haven’t approached that yet.

No way I would do this ...personally I do not see the benefit of private unless you plan to make connections to benefit your career or your kids.

What school district are you in? if this were me id sell and rent in better school district.

personally public plus tutors is better than private.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Public schools often do a better job in college admissions than privates. Spend extra money on tutors and extracurricular academic programs which will be a tiny amount compared to private school. Your kids will be top dogs at the public and have great college options, including for merit aid.

Focus on math, writing, and science tutoring.

Everybody wins and you can still save for college and retirement.

+1. We have a high HHI of $600K, can afford private (not in DC area), kids go to a good public school (not the best in the area). We spend a ton of money on enrichment, tutoring. Feels like we get better ROI vs. paying for privates.

+1. We are in the same boat. Applied to private last year but turned it down bc the $50K/year is just stupid. Instead, we save money, spend on enrichment and live a stress-free life. It is so nice to not worry about a tuition bill that would hamstring us.

OP, I went to a fancy private school. I had a wonderful experience and credit a lot of my life experiences to that private school. However, my younger sibling who went to a public school is pretty on par with salary and career as myself. I make $450K (attorney) and he makes $450K (doctor). One in private and the other in public. WE also both went to the same state flagship school.

I think way too much stock is put in private school. If your kid is in a good public with parents who support and foster education, your DC will be just fine. Save the money,

This just occurred to me, reading your post. I wonder if a family with a $900k HHI feels less pressure to go to private because you've already proved your worth and you might not have class anxiety. I wonder if OP's wife doesn't feel as secure, and so she's pushing to send the kids to private because she feels she needs the validation of the kids being in private - and also I wonder if she feels the kids need to be socialized around the super rich kids in a way you don't because you're so wealthy.

Sort of the same way that rich people can bang around in a sh***y car because they don't have to prove anything to anyone, but someone who is more middle class feels the need to drive a good car in order to prove they belong.

(And I believe anyone with a HHI of $220k is doing awesome and should feel very good about what they've gotten in this hard life, but it may be that OP's wife feels like she wants to open up a different world to her kids or feels some class anxiety.)

Just to correct, our HHI is not $900K - it's about $650K. The $450 and $450K was the example of how my younger brother and I - despite going to private v public school - both make the same salary.

That said, I recognize that at $650HHI we still likely feel less pressure to validate our decisions and/or standing. 6 years ago, our HHI was around $200K and I did struggle with public v private - in part because it seemed like the shiny, out of reach option that we could not afford. After we went through the application process and I realized that private schools were not what I thought they were, I feel a bit more confident in our decision. Plus, the benefit of time and experience is that you see how things are turning out. My DD in 8th is doing great and the math enrichments have really paid off.

All that said, OP's wife should not bankrupt them for private school. It's a long road and hopefully they can gain wealth through savings and come out ahead.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Public schools often do a better job in college admissions than privates. Spend extra money on tutors and extracurricular academic programs which will be a tiny amount compared to private school. Your kids will be top dogs at the public and have great college options, including for merit aid.

Focus on math, writing, and science tutoring.

Everybody wins and you can still save for college and retirement.

+1. We have a high HHI of $600K, can afford private (not in DC area), kids go to a good public school (not the best in the area). We spend a ton of money on enrichment, tutoring. Feels like we get better ROI vs. paying for privates.

+1. We are in the same boat. Applied to private last year but turned it down bc the $50K/year is just stupid. Instead, we save money, spend on enrichment and live a stress-free life. It is so nice to not worry about a tuition bill that would hamstring us.

OP, I went to a fancy private school. I had a wonderful experience and credit a lot of my life experiences to that private school. However, my younger sibling who went to a public school is pretty on par with salary and career as myself. I make $450K (attorney) and he makes $450K (doctor). One in private and the other in public. WE also both went to the same state flagship school.

I think way too much stock is put in private school. If your kid is in a good public with parents who support and foster education, your DC will be just fine. Save the money,

This just occurred to me, reading your post. I wonder if a family with a $900k HHI feels less pressure to go to private because you've already proved your worth and you might not have class anxiety. I wonder if OP's wife doesn't feel as secure, and so she's pushing to send the kids to private because she feels she needs the validation of the kids being in private - and also I wonder if she feels the kids need to be socialized around the super rich kids in a way you don't because you're so wealthy.

Sort of the same way that rich people can bang around in a sh***y car because they don't have to prove anything to anyone, but someone who is more middle class feels the need to drive a good car in order to prove they belong.

(And I believe anyone with a HHI of $220k is doing awesome and should feel very good about what they've gotten in this hard life, but it may be that OP's wife feels like she wants to open up a different world to her kids or feels some class anxiety.)

Just to correct, our HHI is not $900K - it's about $650K. The $450 and $450K was the example of how my younger brother and I - despite going to private v public school - both make the same salary.

That said, I recognize that at $650HHI we still likely feel less pressure to validate our decisions and/or standing. 6 years ago, our HHI was around $200K and I did struggle with public v private - in part because it seemed like the shiny, out of reach option that we could not afford. After we went through the application process and I realized that private schools were not what I thought they were, I feel a bit more confident in our decision. Plus, the benefit of time and experience is that you see how things are turning out. My DD in 8th is doing great and the math enrichments have really paid off.

All that said, OP's wife should not bankrupt them for private school. It's a long road and hopefully they can gain wealth through savings and come out ahead.

Ah sorry, I read your post too quickly. But I do wonder if that idea stands - that someone with a very high HHI is free of class anxiety in a way that someone like OP's wife is not.

And again, $200k is a very very very nice HHI - but maybe the thing is it's just on the cusp of wealthy, and that provokes some of this stuff OP and his wife are going through.

Then again I can easily picture someone with an HHI of $900k feeling anxiety that they aren't bringing in a million, and needing to prove themselves to THAT group of people or whatever.

[Anonymous]

what do the kids want? have either of them expressed an interest in private school, and why? and have they expressed an interest in a specific school, or do they just want to be in a different school due to cliques or bullying?

bankrupting yourselves in order to completely upend your kids social lives in middle and high school, while also not saving for college is likely to be rewarded with a lot of resentments, some lifelong.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’m in the same boat brother. Wife rules the roost on this. I see no benefit in private

The private school obsession mania is driven by the mothers. Not the fathers.

THis phenomenon needs to be stupid. More often than not mothers dont even bring in the income to afford it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:i want to meet this wife! sounds like a keeper to me!

LOL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’m in the same boat brother. Wife rules the roost on this. I see no benefit in private

The private school obsession mania is driven by the mothers. Not the fathers.

THis phenomenon needs to be stupid. More often than not mothers dont even bring in the income to afford it.

+1

Social climbing wives.

Next up: Country Club Hell.

"Because she deserves it!!!"

LOL.

One question - do your parents have money, OP? Is that way the wife thinks you can supposedly "afford it"??

You might be in for a wild ride, and NOT the good kind.