We can’t afford it but she wants it. What do I say?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to show her the actual numbers. You have to be prepared with your own financial bottom line on retirement, emergency savings, and college savings.

People like your wife are "fuzzy thinkers" about money. You cannot let their fuzziness, denial, and wishful thinking ruin your own finances.

Sorry to say you'll just have to be very assertive and put your foot down.

If she insists, you may have no other option than to separate finances, if you don't already. That is, you get your own bank account, and your paycheck goes there. You contribute 50% of the joint expenses, and then what you have decided into retirement, emergency savings, and college fund. If she thinks she can pay for private school entirely out of her own money, then she can do that. But I assume she cannot.

I know this sounds harsh, but you can't let her ruin your and your children's economic futures.

It’s doesn’t sound harsh, it sounds clueless. What are you 80? Put the little woman in her place…
Follow this advice, Op, and it won’t end well.

PP here. I am actually in this scenario with the genders reversed, so. It is actually MORE crucial for women to operate this way if there are intractable disagreements about money.

Regardless of gender, I'm not sure what you think a financial partner is supposed to do when the other party wants to spend money the partnership does not have or that creates financial risk. The "separate finances" approach is not fairy tale, but (short of divorce) it's the best way to manage a financially irresponsible partner.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Public schools often do a better job in college admissions than privates. Spend extra money on tutors and extracurricular academic programs which will be a tiny amount compared to private school. Your kids will be top dogs at the public and have great college options, including for merit aid.

Focus on math, writing, and science tutoring.

Everybody wins and you can still save for college and retirement.

This is inaccurate in my experience. Public schools do not do better in college admission. Not by a long shot. My kids graduated with 4.7 GPA, so many APs, leadership, ACT of 35 and ended up at a state college. I’m just not sure what you mean. College advising is essentially not offered. In the well regarded public schools here, it is much more difficult to stand out as a superstar academically.

Asian or white male. these are run-of-the-mill stats.

[Anonymous]

What exactly is it that she likes about private? What exactly is wrong with the public schools your kids could go to? Is this just a vague--it sounds better/more status symbol thing for them to go private or is there a legitimate reason?

I went to bad public schools in middle and high school, a great SLAC, got a good career and have become a successful adult. My parents could've afforded private school for me but if they had, they wouldn't have been able to fully fund for my college tuition and I would've had to take out loans for college. As it was, I didn't have any loans and graduated from both college and grad school debt free, which was such a privilege.

Sure, I want my kids to get a great education but I think that unless the public schools near you are just abysmal or unsafe, the best thing to do is send your kids to public and save that money to supplement w/ private tutoring and camps and extracurriculars and then focus on getting them into good colleges. If you send them to private, you won't have enough money to cover college costs and they'll likely wind up in a less than ideal school for college. Think long term. You don't want to focus so much on your kids' middle-high school that you forgo the potential for them to have a great college experience.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:DW wants to send our kids to private schools (HS and MS). The publics near us are okay but not great. I would like to send them to private too but it would put a lot of pressure on our finances. We definitely don’t qualify for financial aid. Even if we tighten our budget (and reduce our savings contribution to zero) we would still be short every month (around $500 to $1k depending on how much we tighten). We have a decent e-fund but I’d like to save it for emergencies and not covering any gaps that might come from this.

When I brought these concerns up, she said she would take money out of their college fund to cover it, which isn’t as robust as it should be, and even reduce her retirement savings. She also seems to assuming we’re going to be making more in later years. This just concerns me on so many levels, esp if something unexpected were to happen (job loss, car breakdown, etc.) I don’t want to jeopardize our finances but not sure how to help her see how this could impacts us. Help!

It's too hard to tell from your post if you really can't afford it or not.
What does cutting savings down to zero really mean? To some people that actually means a nominal amount of 5 - 10% per paycheck. They make so much that such amount feels to them like zero.
How much do you already have in savings? Are you talking like 2 years of living expenses for emergency funds? Where are those savings? Are they liquid or does it mean you have to cash something in and might take a tax hit?
You are right - you can't bank on the idea that you will definitely make more in later years.
No college savings might or might not be a problem. How much do you already have saved for college?
Would you still be putting thousands each year towards vacations? Gifts?
I wouldn't waste the money on private middle school but consider private high school but know why. Do you think it will give your kid a leg up in college admissions? Make sure to check where students are going to college. Many times the local private schools have a lot of kids going to the same colleges as the run of the mill public high school.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Public schools often do a better job in college admissions than privates. Spend extra money on tutors and extracurricular academic programs which will be a tiny amount compared to private school. Your kids will be top dogs at the public and have great college options, including for merit aid.

Focus on math, writing, and science tutoring.

Everybody wins and you can still save for college and retirement.

+1. We have a high HHI of $600K, can afford private (not in DC area), kids go to a good public school (not the best in the area). We spend a ton of money on enrichment, tutoring. Feels like we get better ROI vs. paying for privates.

[Anonymous]

We planned to send all our children to private school. When our last pregnancy ended up being twins and we had only budgeted for one more in private we decided to send them to the good (not great) public school.

We do a lot of enrichment with a private tutor and extracurriculars that enhance their education and social skills.

I suggest you try the public school with enrichment. If you find that it's not working for your family then you can consider private.

[Anonymous]

Go to a financial advisor and let them tell you if you can afford it or not.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:DW wants to send our kids to private schools (HS and MS). The publics near us are okay but not great. I would like to send them to private too but it would put a lot of pressure on our finances. We definitely don’t qualify for financial aid. Even if we tighten our budget (and reduce our savings contribution to zero) we would still be short every month (around $500 to $1k depending on how much we tighten). We have a decent e-fund but I’d like to save it for emergencies and not covering any gaps that might come from this.

When I brought these concerns up, she said she would take money out of their college fund to cover it, which isn’t as robust as it should be, and even reduce her retirement savings. She also seems to assuming we’re going to be making more in later years. This just concerns me on so many levels, esp if something unexpected were to happen (job loss, car breakdown, etc.) I don’t want to jeopardize our finances but not sure how to help her see how this could impacts us. Help!

It's too hard to tell from your post if you really can't afford it or not.
What does cutting savings down to zero really mean? To some people that actually means a nominal amount of 5 - 10% per paycheck. They make so much that such amount feels to them like zero.
How much do you already have in savings? Are you talking like 2 years of living expenses for emergency funds? Where are those savings? Are they liquid or does it mean you have to cash something in and might take a tax hit?
You are right - you can't bank on the idea that you will definitely make more in later years.
No college savings might or might not be a problem. How much do you already have saved for college?
Would you still be putting thousands each year towards vacations? Gifts?
I wouldn't waste the money on private middle school but consider private high school but know why. Do you think it will give your kid a leg up in college admissions? Make sure to check where students are going to college. Many times the local private schools have a lot of kids going to the same colleges as the run of the mill public high school.

I mean, their HHI is 220k and they have TWO kids that the wife wants to put in private. Most of us at that HHI don’t have an extra $50-80k in the budget.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Go to a financial advisor and let them tell you if you can afford it or not.

which will cost several thousand dollars …

[Anonymous]

How many years do you have until MS? Do a practice year. Open a separate account (maybe at an e bank). Project how much private achool would be per month and put all that money in there, live on the rest. Do it for 6-12 months and see how its going.

[Anonymous]

Don’t forget some tangential costs that can pop up… they could still need tutoring, sports, etc. that all can cost money beyond tuition. In addition, the student body will be wealthier and will influence what your kids may want to feel like they fit in.

Def don’t sacrifice college (I would argue even grad school) for college. My private school network was not as helpful as on campus recruiting in getting a job.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You have to show her the actual numbers. You have to be prepared with your own financial bottom line on retirement, emergency savings, and college savings.

People like your wife are "fuzzy thinkers" about money. You cannot let their fuzziness, denial, and wishful thinking ruin your own finances.

Sorry to say you'll just have to be very assertive and put your foot down.

If she insists, you may have no other option than to separate finances, if you don't already. That is, you get your own bank account, and your paycheck goes there. You contribute 50% of the joint expenses, and then what you have decided into retirement, emergency savings, and college fund. If she thinks she can pay for private school entirely out of her own money, then she can do that. But I assume she cannot.

I know this sounds harsh, but you can't let her ruin your and your children's economic futures.

It’s doesn’t sound harsh, it sounds clueless. What are you 80? Put the little woman in her place…
Follow this advice, Op, and it won’t end well.

PP here. I am actually in this scenario with the genders reversed, so. It is actually MORE crucial for women to operate this way if there are intractable disagreements about money.

Regardless of gender, I'm not sure what you think a financial partner is supposed to do when the other party wants to spend money the partnership does not have or that creates financial risk. The "separate finances" approach is not fairy tale, but (short of divorce) it's the best way to manage a financially irresponsible partner.

They need to put their heads together and find something that's agreeable. Only send for high school and keep them in public for the middle school. Look for a cheaper alternative. Cut out vacations.
Marriages don't work out to just say - nope - we'll do separate finances and that's that. There is some middle ground that you need to find.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Remember that tuition will go up every year. I would budget 4-5% each year. Not sure how much you think your income will go up but if your just thinking normal raises not promotion type raises the increase in tuition will probably at least match those raises.

This is a very good point. Also, HS tuition at most privates is more than MS to start with. My DC started in private ES at @ $20k (15 years ago) and his tuition was $35k+ 6 years later. It really adds up.

[Anonymous]

Solely based on finances I wouldn’t do it. I mean, during HS years, one of my kids needed expensive medical treatment that wasn’t covered by insurance. I Would have hated not to be able to give that to my kid. Emergencies are real.

But also, I thought/think HS years with my kids are so much fun. I wouldn’t want to say no to vacations, sports, fancy clothes for hoco and prom, an extra family car for the kids, car insurance for the kids, and all that other stuff you can’t do when you’re too busy borrowing $1k a month for something I can get for free. our schools are still some of the best in the country.

[Anonymous]

I wish I knew you wanted me