Grandma not letting young-adult grandkids use her car. Is she right?

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:All insurance is different, so it’s possible she is correct. My guess is that she is using it as an excuse because she’s having a hard time believing her young grandchildren are actually old enough to drive safely.

What you should point out to her is that the harder/more inconvenient she makes these visits, the less likely the grandchildren are to visit her in the future.

Thank you. This is a helpful perspective. -OP

OP, you may want to shelve this perspective. It's not right to make a grandmother/grandchild relationship so transactional. It's an ultimatum which no one, at any age, likes. What if your mom didn't have a car? I guess your kids wouldn't visit her at all?

What young adults that age do you know that visit their grandparents multiple times a year? That’s great that they do that and still want to do that. Why wouldn’t you want to encourage that any way you can?

Instead of thinking how great it is that the kids deign to visit maybe the kids need to think, "I am so happy grandma is still alive. I love spending time just talking and visiting with her. What a privilege it is to have such an awesome woman as part of my family."

There are plenty of kids who have this perspective and it has nothing to do with being encouraged by using her car.

Ummmm… Do you know their grandma? I can tell you neither of my grandmothers were any fun to visit. They weren’t even nice to me. When I was little they expected me to sit down and shut up and when I was older, they commented on my appearance constantly. I have a hard time believing that a nice loving grandma wouldn’t let the kids use the car. I’m guessing it’s the opposite.

Ummmmm... No, I don't know their grandma. What I do know is that she is a woman who was born during the Great Depression, spent her youth during World War II, had very few rights in the workplace including equal pay, and has probably dealt with immeasurable challenges most people can imagine. She grew up in an era when loving had very little to do with material goods, especially those which she may have worked a long time to earn and which her grandchildren feel entitled to.

Do you actually know OP or are you just assuming all of this?

I'd guess the poster is assuming, but it's just as valid an assumption as the idea that grandma is mean, stingy, critical, and unloving. Maybe more so, since the granddaughters appear to voluntarily visit grandma as adults. It is kind of sad the number of people, on this thread but more generally, who think that younger people paying attention to their elderly relatives is 100 percent a favor to the old, that there's no way the young enjoy or derive any real pleasure from spending time with older relatives, and that older relatives need to become doormats if they want the visits to continue. Like, did *no one* every like spending time with their grandparents besides me?

I’m glad you had great grandparents. Do you understand how many of us don’t have that? Yes, it’s sad for me, sad for my kids, but this our life.

Yes, I get that not everyone does. But that's totally irrelevant to whether Grandma has some obligation to let someone else drive her car, or whether OP should warn Grandma that her granddaughters won't visit as often if they can't use the car. This grandma doesn't seem to be an awful person, given that her granddaughters visit her when they don't have to.

We’re on page 6. No one has said grandma doesn’t have the right to control her car. But yes it’s very nice for the granddaughters to visit so it would be nice if grandma helped make the visits easier. You want to assume grandma is nice bc the kids visit. Others here have called the kids entitled but I happen to think they are pretty nice for visiting. Do you know many CURRENT 18 and 23 years who visit their grandparents by themselves multiple times a year? I don’t.

Maybe Grandma makes the visits easier in other ways?

Maybe, but I doubt it. Look at the stuff OP listed: take out and groceries. These girls are making sure grandma doesn’t have to buy food and cook for them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 84yo mom absolutely refuses to have her adult granddaughters (age 18 and 23) drive her car when they come visit for a few days a few times a year. Not to go pick up a carryout order, or drive to driveable destinations, or pick someone up at the airport, or get groceries for mom.

It's not a huge area of conflict, and they can always Metro or Uber, but it does seem like a needless restraint and a missed opportunity to have the visit be easier for everybody.

She almost never drives her car herself except to the library and grocery store and knows she cannot safely drive them all the places they want to go. Her car is very low mileage but not in pristine aesthetic condition; it has dings and dog hair and whatnot, so it's not a worry that they'll make a mess that's motivating her. The granddaughters are very responsible girls and they live in the Midwest and drive thousands of miles a year, so they're not inexperienced drivers for their age. In other words, I would not hesitate at all to let them drive MY car.

She says "my car isn't insured for younger drivers." I thought this was only an issue if a car was regularly going to be driven by a teen resident in the household over the long term.

Give me an honest opinion about whether elderly mom is being unreasonable, and whether she's correct about the insurance issue. Is she using the insurance thing as an excuse? Or is she under a misapprehension?

It's her car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Question for OP: What are “all the places they want to go” when they visit the grandma “ few days a few times a year”? Truly curious where they are needing to go?

We fly out to visit my in-laws 1-2 times a year, who live in the outer suburbs of a midwestern town. Their house is cramped and they are complete home bodies. I dread each visit, but put on a happy face because they are kind people and it’s the right thing to do. However if I wasn’t able to periodically get out of the house to go run some errands, grab a bite to eat or just get a change of scenery over a multiple day stay I would go out of my mind- and I’m a 40 something year old woman, so I can only imagine how much more stifling it would feel for a young adult..a few days a few times a year is more than many would dedicate to visiting even immediate family.

[Anonymous]

This is OP here. Grandma and granddaughters have a great relationship and it's not the kids who have complained about this. Neither the granddaughters nor the grandmother are difficult or entitled.

I am the aunt, not the mother. I was just surprised by my mom's (the grandma's) feeling about this because it seems so routine in our lives otherwise that we share cars, and that if she needs an errand done or wants a friend brought over for a visit or to be taken somewhere on an excursion, I use her car and drive them. Mom is winding down the amount of driving she does but still keeps her car, so when relatives are available to do car-based errands for her, it seems like a no-brainer to do so.

Because I do not have kids of my own I have not dealt directly with the insurance issues involved in younger drivers. Your reponses have been illuminating and generally helpful and I will drop the subject.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is OP here. Grandma and granddaughters have a great relationship and it's not the kids who have complained about this. Neither the granddaughters nor the grandmother are difficult or entitled.

I am the aunt, not the mother. I was just surprised by my mom's (the grandma's) feeling about this because it seems so routine in our lives otherwise that we share cars, and that if she needs an errand done or wants a friend brought over for a visit or to be taken somewhere on an excursion, I use her car and drive them. Mom is winding down the amount of driving she does but still keeps her car, so when relatives are available to do car-based errands for her, it seems like a no-brainer to do so.

Because I do not have kids of my own I have not dealt directly with the insurance issues involved in younger drivers. Your reponses have been illuminating and generally helpful and I will drop the subject.

Even more reason to mind your own business.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Even more reason to mind your own business.

This is OP. I asked if grandma was being reasonable. The majority of posters in this thread convinced me that she IS being reasonable and I have just explained politely that I am dropping the subject with her. You can stop being an a***ole now.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 84yo mom absolutely refuses to have her adult granddaughters (age 18 and 23) drive her car when they come visit for a few days a few times a year. Not to go pick up a carryout order, or drive to driveable destinations, or pick someone up at the airport, or get groceries for mom.

It's not a huge area of conflict, and they can always Metro or Uber, but it does seem like a needless restraint and a missed opportunity to have the visit be easier for everybody.

She almost never drives her car herself except to the library and grocery store and knows she cannot safely drive them all the places they want to go. Her car is very low mileage but not in pristine aesthetic condition; it has dings and dog hair and whatnot, so it's not a worry that they'll make a mess that's motivating her. The granddaughters are very responsible girls and they live in the Midwest and drive thousands of miles a year, so they're not inexperienced drivers for their age. In other words, I would not hesitate at all to let them drive MY car.

She says "my car isn't insured for younger drivers." I thought this was only an issue if a car was regularly going to be driven by a teen resident in the household over the long term.

Give me an honest opinion about whether elderly mom is being unreasonable, and whether she's correct about the insurance issue. Is she using the insurance thing as an excuse? Or is she under a misapprehension?

It's her car.

Gee, how did we get by for 8 pages without your incredible contribution?
It's not like this hasn't been said 100 times already... 🙄