Grandma not letting young-adult grandkids use her car. Is she right?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 84yo mom absolutely refuses to have her adult granddaughters (age 18 and 23) drive her car when they come visit for a few days a few times a year. Not to go pick up a carryout order, or drive to driveable destinations, or pick someone up at the airport, or get groceries for mom.

It's not a huge area of conflict, and they can always Metro or Uber, but it does seem like a needless restraint and a missed opportunity to have the visit be easier for everybody.

She almost never drives her car herself except to the library and grocery store and knows she cannot safely drive them all the places they want to go. Her car is very low mileage but not in pristine aesthetic condition; it has dings and dog hair and whatnot, so it's not a worry that they'll make a mess that's motivating her. The granddaughters are very responsible girls and they live in the Midwest and drive thousands of miles a year, so they're not inexperienced drivers for their age. In other words, I would not hesitate at all to let them drive MY car.

She says "my car isn't insured for younger drivers." I thought this was only an issue if a car was regularly going to be driven by a teen resident in the household over the long term.

Give me an honest opinion about whether elderly mom is being unreasonable, and whether she's correct about the insurance issue. Is she using the insurance thing as an excuse? Or is she under a misapprehension?

If her car is old it can be easily totaled. That means that the replacement value she’ll get from the insurance will be less than what she’d have to spend to get another car. It works for the insurance, but it may not work for her. So, the insurance will give her x amount, because that’s the value, but she can’t actually find another car like hers for that value. So she’d have to spend more on a better car, that she doesn’t need.

Leave her alone. It’s her car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 84yo mom absolutely refuses to have her adult granddaughters (age 18 and 23) drive her car when they come visit for a few days a few times a year. Not to go pick up a carryout order, or drive to driveable destinations, or pick someone up at the airport, or get groceries for mom.

It's not a huge area of conflict, and they can always Metro or Uber, but it does seem like a needless restraint and a missed opportunity to have the visit be easier for everybody.

She almost never drives her car herself except to the library and grocery store and knows she cannot safely drive them all the places they want to go. Her car is very low mileage but not in pristine aesthetic condition; it has dings and dog hair and whatnot, so it's not a worry that they'll make a mess that's motivating her. The granddaughters are very responsible girls and they live in the Midwest and drive thousands of miles a year, so they're not inexperienced drivers for their age. In other words, I would not hesitate at all to let them drive MY car.

She says "my car isn't insured for younger drivers." I thought this was only an issue if a car was regularly going to be driven by a teen resident in the household over the long term.

Give me an honest opinion about whether elderly mom is being unreasonable, and whether she's correct about the insurance issue. Is she using the insurance thing as an excuse? Or is she under a misapprehension?

Sounds like the question is why is she driving if she can't drive safely?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My 84yo mom absolutely refuses to have her adult granddaughters (age 18 and 23) drive her car when they come visit for a few days a few times a year. Not to go pick up a carryout order, or drive to driveable destinations, or pick someone up at the airport, or get groceries for mom.

It's not a huge area of conflict, and they can always Metro or Uber, but it does seem like a needless restraint and a missed opportunity to have the visit be easier for everybody.

She almost never drives her car herself except to the library and grocery store and knows she cannot safely drive them all the places they want to go. Her car is very low mileage but not in pristine aesthetic condition; it has dings and dog hair and whatnot, so it's not a worry that they'll make a mess that's motivating her. The granddaughters are very responsible girls and they live in the Midwest and drive thousands of miles a year, so they're not inexperienced drivers for their age. In other words, I would not hesitate at all to let them drive MY car.

She says "my car isn't insured for younger drivers." I thought this was only an issue if a car was regularly going to be driven by a teen resident in the household over the long term.

Give me an honest opinion about whether elderly mom is being unreasonable, and whether she's correct about the insurance issue. Is she using the insurance thing as an excuse? Or is she under a misapprehension?

If her car is old it can be easily totaled. That means that the replacement value she’ll get from the insurance will be less than what she’d have to spend to get another car. It works for the insurance, but it may not work for her. So, the insurance will give her x amount, because that’s the value, but she can’t actually find another car like hers for that value. So she’d have to spend more on a better car, that she doesn’t need.

Leave her alone. It’s her car.

+1
She might also have canceled comp and collision insurance, because you're not required to have those on a car you own outright and it reduces the premium to reduce that coverage. So her insurance payout is not going to pay to replace her car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 84yo mom absolutely refuses to have her adult granddaughters (age 18 and 23) drive her car when they come visit for a few days a few times a year. Not to go pick up a carryout order, or drive to driveable destinations, or pick someone up at the airport, or get groceries for mom.

It's not a huge area of conflict, and they can always Metro or Uber, but it does seem like a needless restraint and a missed opportunity to have the visit be easier for everybody.

She almost never drives her car herself except to the library and grocery store and knows she cannot safely drive them all the places they want to go. Her car is very low mileage but not in pristine aesthetic condition; it has dings and dog hair and whatnot, so it's not a worry that they'll make a mess that's motivating her. The granddaughters are very responsible girls and they live in the Midwest and drive thousands of miles a year, so they're not inexperienced drivers for their age. In other words, I would not hesitate at all to let them drive MY car.

She says "my car isn't insured for younger drivers." I thought this was only an issue if a car was regularly going to be driven by a teen resident in the household over the long term.

Give me an honest opinion about whether elderly mom is being unreasonable, and whether she's correct about the insurance issue. Is she using the insurance thing as an excuse? Or is she under a misapprehension?

(1) Honest opinion: Grandma gets to decide who drives the car. This is true for EVERY individual in the USA, including yourself. The owner decides who drives, no questions asked.
(2) We just had a conversation with our auto insurance agent about "the insurance issue." Agent said that the driver's insurance would be primary, and then the car owner's insurance would be secondary. Of course, every policy may differ. I have no idea. This was my insurance.
(3) Is she using insurance as an excuse? I don't know. You'll need to ask her.
(4) Is she under a "misapprehension"? I don't know. You'll need to ask her.

Also, don't have this battle with your mom. You should accept her answer "NO" and tell your kids to figure out another means of transportation.

Also, be happy your mother is alive and your kids have a relationship with her. Don't screw this up.

[Anonymous]

Grandma has every right to not allow them to drive her car. It could be any of the reasons that have been covered in this thread. It could also be a misunderstanding of her insurance coverage. Thinking back 25 years to when I was in college and would go visit my grandmother I was allowed to drive her car BUT my cousin that was the same age was not. At first this caused issues because my cousin was insulted. Grandma was spry enough to sit him down and tell him that this was her rule because I had never been in an accident while he had caused 2. So she didn't trust him with her car. Maybe grandma doesn't want someone else to drive her car and feels the easiest rule is no one drives her car.

[Anonymous]

Grandma is in the right. And if the grandkids are visiting, why do they have a need to drive anywhere? They go to visit grandma only to not spend time
With her?

[Anonymous]

You can't reason with older people. Stop trying to understand and do what you can to keep the peace.

[Anonymous]

It’s her car. I visit lots of family. Sure, it’s be nice and easier on my wallet if everyone chauffeured me around or let me borrow their car. Some do, some don’t. I would never expect it!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You can't reason with older people. Stop trying to understand and do what you can to keep the peace.

The reasons posters have given above seem extremely valid. Financial/insurance concerns + ability to get the car set back up for her as the driver (getting the seat back in the right position, mirrors where she needs them to be etc). I know the latter seems easy to most of us but for an elderly person who is already uncomfortable driving, safety is the main priority and these little things impact that and can be overwhelming and challenging.

This is just to say, she may be a stubborn old person but, in this case, she has good reason to be. .

[Anonymous]

Is it possible she has been in a car with your daughters driving and simply doesn’t think they are responsible drivers?

[Anonymous]

Yet another thread overrun by the DCUM harpies making wild assumptions.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Excuse me, it's HER car. It doesn't matter what reasons she gives, it's her right to say grandkids can't drive it. The sense of entitlement on this site astounds me sometimes.

+1

[Anonymous]

OP - how long are the visits and how often?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 84yo mom absolutely refuses to have her adult granddaughters (age 18 and 23) drive her car when they come visit for a few days a few times a year. Not to go pick up a carryout order, or drive to driveable destinations, or pick someone up at the airport, or get groceries for mom.

It's not a huge area of conflict, and they can always Metro or Uber, but it does seem like a needless restraint and a missed opportunity to have the visit be easier for everybody.

She almost never drives her car herself except to the library and grocery store and knows she cannot safely drive them all the places they want to go. Her car is very low mileage but not in pristine aesthetic condition; it has dings and dog hair and whatnot, so it's not a worry that they'll make a mess that's motivating her. The granddaughters are very responsible girls and they live in the Midwest and drive thousands of miles a year, so they're not inexperienced drivers for their age. In other words, I would not hesitate at all to let them drive MY car.

She says "my car isn't insured for younger drivers." I thought this was only an issue if a car was regularly going to be driven by a teen resident in the household over the long term.

Give me an honest opinion about whether elderly mom is being unreasonable, and whether she's correct about the insurance issue. Is she using the insurance thing as an excuse? Or is she under a misapprehension?

Grandma is right. Her car. Her rules

[Anonymous]

She’s 84, if this is her most unreasonable thing, she’s doing great. She’s right - the process of dealing with an accident would be a huge PITA for her and possibly beyond her capabilities.