Grandma not letting young-adult grandkids use her car. Is she right?

[Anonymous]

Question for OP: What are “all the places they want to go” when they visit the grandma “ few days a few times a year”? Truly curious where they are needing to go?

[Anonymous]

It would be nice if she let them use it, but it's her car and it's reasonable to be worried about young adult drivers messing up your car. This is a situation to respect her boundaries.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All insurance is different, so it’s possible she is correct. My guess is that she is using it as an excuse because she’s having a hard time believing her young grandchildren are actually old enough to drive safely.

What you should point out to her is that the harder/more inconvenient she makes these visits, the less likely the grandchildren are to visit her in the future.

Thank you. This is a helpful perspective. -OP

OP, you may want to shelve this perspective. It's not right to make a grandmother/grandchild relationship so transactional. It's an ultimatum which no one, at any age, likes. What if your mom didn't have a car? I guess your kids wouldn't visit her at all?

What young adults that age do you know that visit their grandparents multiple times a year? That’s great that they do that and still want to do that. Why wouldn’t you want to encourage that any way you can?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All insurance is different, so it’s possible she is correct. My guess is that she is using it as an excuse because she’s having a hard time believing her young grandchildren are actually old enough to drive safely.

What you should point out to her is that the harder/more inconvenient she makes these visits, the less likely the grandchildren are to visit her in the future.

Thank you. This is a helpful perspective. -OP

OP, you may want to shelve this perspective. It's not right to make a grandmother/grandchild relationship so transactional. It's an ultimatum which no one, at any age, likes. What if your mom didn't have a car? I guess your kids wouldn't visit her at all?

What young adults that age do you know that visit their grandparents multiple times a year? That’s great that they do that and still want to do that. Why wouldn’t you want to encourage that any way you can?

Instead of thinking how great it is that the kids deign to visit maybe the kids need to think, "I am so happy grandma is still alive. I love spending time just talking and visiting with her. What a privilege it is to have such an awesome woman as part of my family."

There are plenty of kids who have this perspective and it has nothing to do with being encouraged by using her car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All insurance is different, so it’s possible she is correct. My guess is that she is using it as an excuse because she’s having a hard time believing her young grandchildren are actually old enough to drive safely.

What you should point out to her is that the harder/more inconvenient she makes these visits, the less likely the grandchildren are to visit her in the future.

Thank you. This is a helpful perspective. -OP

OP, you may want to shelve this perspective. It's not right to make a grandmother/grandchild relationship so transactional. It's an ultimatum which no one, at any age, likes. What if your mom didn't have a car? I guess your kids wouldn't visit her at all?

What young adults that age do you know that visit their grandparents multiple times a year? That’s great that they do that and still want to do that. Why wouldn’t you want to encourage that any way you can?

Instead of thinking how great it is that the kids deign to visit maybe the kids need to think, "I am so happy grandma is still alive. I love spending time just talking and visiting with her. What a privilege it is to have such an awesome woman as part of my family."

There are plenty of kids who have this perspective and it has nothing to do with being encouraged by using her car.

Ummmm… Do you know their grandma? I can tell you neither of my grandmothers were any fun to visit. They weren’t even nice to me. When I was little they expected me to sit down and shut up and when I was older, they commented on my appearance constantly. I have a hard time believing that a nice loving grandma wouldn’t let the kids use the car. I’m guessing it’s the opposite.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All insurance is different, so it’s possible she is correct. My guess is that she is using it as an excuse because she’s having a hard time believing her young grandchildren are actually old enough to drive safely.

What you should point out to her is that the harder/more inconvenient she makes these visits, the less likely the grandchildren are to visit her in the future.

Thank you. This is a helpful perspective. -OP

OP, you may want to shelve this perspective. It's not right to make a grandmother/grandchild relationship so transactional. It's an ultimatum which no one, at any age, likes. What if your mom didn't have a car? I guess your kids wouldn't visit her at all?

What young adults that age do you know that visit their grandparents multiple times a year? That’s great that they do that and still want to do that. Why wouldn’t you want to encourage that any way you can?

Instead of thinking how great it is that the kids deign to visit maybe the kids need to think, "I am so happy grandma is still alive. I love spending time just talking and visiting with her. What a privilege it is to have such an awesome woman as part of my family."

There are plenty of kids who have this perspective and it has nothing to do with being encouraged by using her car.

Ummmm… Do you know their grandma? I can tell you neither of my grandmothers were any fun to visit. They weren’t even nice to me. When I was little they expected me to sit down and shut up and when I was older, they commented on my appearance constantly. I have a hard time believing that a nice loving grandma wouldn’t let the kids use the car. I’m guessing it’s the opposite.

Ummmmm... No, I don't know their grandma. What I do know is that she is a woman who was born during the Great Depression, spent her youth during World War II, had very few rights in the workplace including equal pay, and has probably dealt with immeasurable challenges most people can imagine. She grew up in an era when loving had very little to do with material goods, especially those which she may have worked a long time to earn and which her grandchildren feel entitled to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All insurance is different, so it’s possible she is correct. My guess is that she is using it as an excuse because she’s having a hard time believing her young grandchildren are actually old enough to drive safely.

What you should point out to her is that the harder/more inconvenient she makes these visits, the less likely the grandchildren are to visit her in the future.

Thank you. This is a helpful perspective. -OP

OP, you may want to shelve this perspective. It's not right to make a grandmother/grandchild relationship so transactional. It's an ultimatum which no one, at any age, likes. What if your mom didn't have a car? I guess your kids wouldn't visit her at all?

What young adults that age do you know that visit their grandparents multiple times a year? That’s great that they do that and still want to do that. Why wouldn’t you want to encourage that any way you can?

Instead of thinking how great it is that the kids deign to visit maybe the kids need to think, "I am so happy grandma is still alive. I love spending time just talking and visiting with her. What a privilege it is to have such an awesome woman as part of my family."

There are plenty of kids who have this perspective and it has nothing to do with being encouraged by using her car.

Ummmm… Do you know their grandma? I can tell you neither of my grandmothers were any fun to visit. They weren’t even nice to me. When I was little they expected me to sit down and shut up and when I was older, they commented on my appearance constantly. I have a hard time believing that a nice loving grandma wouldn’t let the kids use the car. I’m guessing it’s the opposite.

How sad for you. These girls apparently like grandma enough to visit her as young adults, so she can't be that bad.

My grandmother rocked. I enjoyed spending time with her. I didn't expect her to let me drive her car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All insurance is different, so it’s possible she is correct. My guess is that she is using it as an excuse because she’s having a hard time believing her young grandchildren are actually old enough to drive safely.

What you should point out to her is that the harder/more inconvenient she makes these visits, the less likely the grandchildren are to visit her in the future.

Thank you. This is a helpful perspective. -OP

OP, you may want to shelve this perspective. It's not right to make a grandmother/grandchild relationship so transactional. It's an ultimatum which no one, at any age, likes. What if your mom didn't have a car? I guess your kids wouldn't visit her at all?

What young adults that age do you know that visit their grandparents multiple times a year? That’s great that they do that and still want to do that. Why wouldn’t you want to encourage that any way you can?

Instead of thinking how great it is that the kids deign to visit maybe the kids need to think, "I am so happy grandma is still alive. I love spending time just talking and visiting with her. What a privilege it is to have such an awesome woman as part of my family."

There are plenty of kids who have this perspective and it has nothing to do with being encouraged by using her car.

Ummmm… Do you know their grandma? I can tell you neither of my grandmothers were any fun to visit. They weren’t even nice to me. When I was little they expected me to sit down and shut up and when I was older, they commented on my appearance constantly. I have a hard time believing that a nice loving grandma wouldn’t let the kids use the car. I’m guessing it’s the opposite.

Ummmmm... No, I don't know their grandma. What I do know is that she is a woman who was born during the Great Depression, spent her youth during World War II, had very few rights in the workplace including equal pay, and has probably dealt with immeasurable challenges most people can imagine. She grew up in an era when loving had very little to do with material goods, especially those which she may have worked a long time to earn and which her grandchildren feel entitled to.

Do you actually know OP or are you just assuming all of this?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All insurance is different, so it’s possible she is correct. My guess is that she is using it as an excuse because she’s having a hard time believing her young grandchildren are actually old enough to drive safely.

What you should point out to her is that the harder/more inconvenient she makes these visits, the less likely the grandchildren are to visit her in the future.

Thank you. This is a helpful perspective. -OP

OP, you may want to shelve this perspective. It's not right to make a grandmother/grandchild relationship so transactional. It's an ultimatum which no one, at any age, likes. What if your mom didn't have a car? I guess your kids wouldn't visit her at all?

What young adults that age do you know that visit their grandparents multiple times a year? That’s great that they do that and still want to do that. Why wouldn’t you want to encourage that any way you can?

Instead of thinking how great it is that the kids deign to visit maybe the kids need to think, "I am so happy grandma is still alive. I love spending time just talking and visiting with her. What a privilege it is to have such an awesome woman as part of my family."

There are plenty of kids who have this perspective and it has nothing to do with being encouraged by using her car.

Ummmm… Do you know their grandma? I can tell you neither of my grandmothers were any fun to visit. They weren’t even nice to me. When I was little they expected me to sit down and shut up and when I was older, they commented on my appearance constantly. I have a hard time believing that a nice loving grandma wouldn’t let the kids use the car. I’m guessing it’s the opposite.

Ummmmm... No, I don't know their grandma. What I do know is that she is a woman who was born during the Great Depression, spent her youth during World War II, had very few rights in the workplace including equal pay, and has probably dealt with immeasurable challenges most people can imagine. She grew up in an era when loving had very little to do with material goods, especially those which she may have worked a long time to earn and which her grandchildren feel entitled to.

Do you actually know OP or are you just assuming all of this?

I'd guess the poster is assuming, but it's just as valid an assumption as the idea that grandma is mean, stingy, critical, and unloving. Maybe more so, since the granddaughters appear to voluntarily visit grandma as adults. It is kind of sad the number of people, on this thread but more generally, who think that younger people paying attention to their elderly relatives is 100 percent a favor to the old, that there's no way the young enjoy or derive any real pleasure from spending time with older relatives, and that older relatives need to become doormats if they want the visits to continue. Like, did *no one* every like spending time with their grandparents besides me?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All insurance is different, so it’s possible she is correct. My guess is that she is using it as an excuse because she’s having a hard time believing her young grandchildren are actually old enough to drive safely.

What you should point out to her is that the harder/more inconvenient she makes these visits, the less likely the grandchildren are to visit her in the future.

Thank you. This is a helpful perspective. -OP

OP, you may want to shelve this perspective. It's not right to make a grandmother/grandchild relationship so transactional. It's an ultimatum which no one, at any age, likes. What if your mom didn't have a car? I guess your kids wouldn't visit her at all?

What young adults that age do you know that visit their grandparents multiple times a year? That’s great that they do that and still want to do that. Why wouldn’t you want to encourage that any way you can?

Instead of thinking how great it is that the kids deign to visit maybe the kids need to think, "I am so happy grandma is still alive. I love spending time just talking and visiting with her. What a privilege it is to have such an awesome woman as part of my family."

There are plenty of kids who have this perspective and it has nothing to do with being encouraged by using her car.

Ummmm… Do you know their grandma? I can tell you neither of my grandmothers were any fun to visit. They weren’t even nice to me. When I was little they expected me to sit down and shut up and when I was older, they commented on my appearance constantly. I have a hard time believing that a nice loving grandma wouldn’t let the kids use the car. I’m guessing it’s the opposite.

Ummmmm... No, I don't know their grandma. What I do know is that she is a woman who was born during the Great Depression, spent her youth during World War II, had very few rights in the workplace including equal pay, and has probably dealt with immeasurable challenges most people can imagine. She grew up in an era when loving had very little to do with material goods, especially those which she may have worked a long time to earn and which her grandchildren feel entitled to.

Do you actually know OP or are you just assuming all of this?

I'd guess the poster is assuming, but it's just as valid an assumption as the idea that grandma is mean, stingy, critical, and unloving. Maybe more so, since the granddaughters appear to voluntarily visit grandma as adults. It is kind of sad the number of people, on this thread but more generally, who think that younger people paying attention to their elderly relatives is 100 percent a favor to the old, that there's no way the young enjoy or derive any real pleasure from spending time with older relatives, and that older relatives need to become doormats if they want the visits to continue. Like, did *no one* every like spending time with their grandparents besides me?

I’m glad you had great grandparents. Do you understand how many of us don’t have that? Yes, it’s sad for me, sad for my kids, but this our life.

[Anonymous]

As people get older, they get more rigid and anxious. It's very typical. Honestly, is this the hill you want to die on, OP? She said no, just accept it and move on. Grandma is not going to be around forever, why make an issue of something so silly?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All insurance is different, so it’s possible she is correct. My guess is that she is using it as an excuse because she’s having a hard time believing her young grandchildren are actually old enough to drive safely.

What you should point out to her is that the harder/more inconvenient she makes these visits, the less likely the grandchildren are to visit her in the future.

Thank you. This is a helpful perspective. -OP

OP, you may want to shelve this perspective. It's not right to make a grandmother/grandchild relationship so transactional. It's an ultimatum which no one, at any age, likes. What if your mom didn't have a car? I guess your kids wouldn't visit her at all?

What young adults that age do you know that visit their grandparents multiple times a year? That’s great that they do that and still want to do that. Why wouldn’t you want to encourage that any way you can?

Instead of thinking how great it is that the kids deign to visit maybe the kids need to think, "I am so happy grandma is still alive. I love spending time just talking and visiting with her. What a privilege it is to have such an awesome woman as part of my family."

There are plenty of kids who have this perspective and it has nothing to do with being encouraged by using her car.

Ummmm… Do you know their grandma? I can tell you neither of my grandmothers were any fun to visit. They weren’t even nice to me. When I was little they expected me to sit down and shut up and when I was older, they commented on my appearance constantly. I have a hard time believing that a nice loving grandma wouldn’t let the kids use the car. I’m guessing it’s the opposite.

Ummmmm... No, I don't know their grandma. What I do know is that she is a woman who was born during the Great Depression, spent her youth during World War II, had very few rights in the workplace including equal pay, and has probably dealt with immeasurable challenges most people can imagine. She grew up in an era when loving had very little to do with material goods, especially those which she may have worked a long time to earn and which her grandchildren feel entitled to.

Do you actually know OP or are you just assuming all of this?

I'd guess the poster is assuming, but it's just as valid an assumption as the idea that grandma is mean, stingy, critical, and unloving. Maybe more so, since the granddaughters appear to voluntarily visit grandma as adults. It is kind of sad the number of people, on this thread but more generally, who think that younger people paying attention to their elderly relatives is 100 percent a favor to the old, that there's no way the young enjoy or derive any real pleasure from spending time with older relatives, and that older relatives need to become doormats if they want the visits to continue. Like, did *no one* every like spending time with their grandparents besides me?

I’m glad you had great grandparents. Do you understand how many of us don’t have that? Yes, it’s sad for me, sad for my kids, but this our life.

Yes, I get that not everyone does. But that's totally irrelevant to whether Grandma has some obligation to let someone else drive her car, or whether OP should warn Grandma that her granddaughters won't visit as often if they can't use the car. This grandma doesn't seem to be an awful person, given that her granddaughters visit her when they don't have to.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My 84yo mom absolutely refuses to have her adult granddaughters (age 18 and 23) drive her car when they come visit for a few days a few times a year. Not to go pick up a carryout order, or drive to driveable destinations, or pick someone up at the airport, or get groceries for mom.

It's not a huge area of conflict, and they can always Metro or Uber, but it does seem like a needless restraint and a missed opportunity to have the visit be easier for everybody.

She almost never drives her car herself except to the library and grocery store and knows she cannot safely drive them all the places they want to go. Her car is very low mileage but not in pristine aesthetic condition; it has dings and dog hair and whatnot, so it's not a worry that they'll make a mess that's motivating her. The granddaughters are very responsible girls and they live in the Midwest and drive thousands of miles a year, so they're not inexperienced drivers for their age. In other words, I would not hesitate at all to let them drive MY car.

She says "my car isn't insured for younger drivers." I thought this was only an issue if a car was regularly going to be driven by a teen resident in the household over the long term.

Give me an honest opinion about whether elderly mom is being unreasonable, and whether she's correct about the insurance issue. Is she using the insurance thing as an excuse? Or is she under a misapprehension?

It's her car. If she doesn't want other people driving it, then she doesn't have to have other people driving it. You're acting like a spoiled brat. Your daughters aren't entitled to use another family member's car.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All insurance is different, so it’s possible she is correct. My guess is that she is using it as an excuse because she’s having a hard time believing her young grandchildren are actually old enough to drive safely.

What you should point out to her is that the harder/more inconvenient she makes these visits, the less likely the grandchildren are to visit her in the future.

Thank you. This is a helpful perspective. -OP

OP, you may want to shelve this perspective. It's not right to make a grandmother/grandchild relationship so transactional. It's an ultimatum which no one, at any age, likes. What if your mom didn't have a car? I guess your kids wouldn't visit her at all?

What young adults that age do you know that visit their grandparents multiple times a year? That’s great that they do that and still want to do that. Why wouldn’t you want to encourage that any way you can?

Instead of thinking how great it is that the kids deign to visit maybe the kids need to think, "I am so happy grandma is still alive. I love spending time just talking and visiting with her. What a privilege it is to have such an awesome woman as part of my family."

There are plenty of kids who have this perspective and it has nothing to do with being encouraged by using her car.

Ummmm… Do you know their grandma? I can tell you neither of my grandmothers were any fun to visit. They weren’t even nice to me. When I was little they expected me to sit down and shut up and when I was older, they commented on my appearance constantly. I have a hard time believing that a nice loving grandma wouldn’t let the kids use the car. I’m guessing it’s the opposite.

Ummmmm... No, I don't know their grandma. What I do know is that she is a woman who was born during the Great Depression, spent her youth during World War II, had very few rights in the workplace including equal pay, and has probably dealt with immeasurable challenges most people can imagine. She grew up in an era when loving had very little to do with material goods, especially those which she may have worked a long time to earn and which her grandchildren feel entitled to.

Do you actually know OP or are you just assuming all of this?

I'd guess the poster is assuming, but it's just as valid an assumption as the idea that grandma is mean, stingy, critical, and unloving. Maybe more so, since the granddaughters appear to voluntarily visit grandma as adults. It is kind of sad the number of people, on this thread but more generally, who think that younger people paying attention to their elderly relatives is 100 percent a favor to the old, that there's no way the young enjoy or derive any real pleasure from spending time with older relatives, and that older relatives need to become doormats if they want the visits to continue. Like, did *no one* every like spending time with their grandparents besides me?

I’m glad you had great grandparents. Do you understand how many of us don’t have that? Yes, it’s sad for me, sad for my kids, but this our life.

Yes, I get that not everyone does. But that's totally irrelevant to whether Grandma has some obligation to let someone else drive her car, or whether OP should warn Grandma that her granddaughters won't visit as often if they can't use the car. This grandma doesn't seem to be an awful person, given that her granddaughters visit her when they don't have to.

We’re on page 6. No one has said grandma doesn’t have the right to control her car. But yes it’s very nice for the granddaughters to visit so it would be nice if grandma helped make the visits easier. You want to assume grandma is nice bc the kids visit. Others here have called the kids entitled but I happen to think they are pretty nice for visiting. Do you know many CURRENT 18 and 23 years who visit their grandparents by themselves multiple times a year? I don’t.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:All insurance is different, so it’s possible she is correct. My guess is that she is using it as an excuse because she’s having a hard time believing her young grandchildren are actually old enough to drive safely.

What you should point out to her is that the harder/more inconvenient she makes these visits, the less likely the grandchildren are to visit her in the future.

Thank you. This is a helpful perspective. -OP

OP, you may want to shelve this perspective. It's not right to make a grandmother/grandchild relationship so transactional. It's an ultimatum which no one, at any age, likes. What if your mom didn't have a car? I guess your kids wouldn't visit her at all?

What young adults that age do you know that visit their grandparents multiple times a year? That’s great that they do that and still want to do that. Why wouldn’t you want to encourage that any way you can?

Instead of thinking how great it is that the kids deign to visit maybe the kids need to think, "I am so happy grandma is still alive. I love spending time just talking and visiting with her. What a privilege it is to have such an awesome woman as part of my family."

There are plenty of kids who have this perspective and it has nothing to do with being encouraged by using her car.

Ummmm… Do you know their grandma? I can tell you neither of my grandmothers were any fun to visit. They weren’t even nice to me. When I was little they expected me to sit down and shut up and when I was older, they commented on my appearance constantly. I have a hard time believing that a nice loving grandma wouldn’t let the kids use the car. I’m guessing it’s the opposite.

Ummmmm... No, I don't know their grandma. What I do know is that she is a woman who was born during the Great Depression, spent her youth during World War II, had very few rights in the workplace including equal pay, and has probably dealt with immeasurable challenges most people can imagine. She grew up in an era when loving had very little to do with material goods, especially those which she may have worked a long time to earn and which her grandchildren feel entitled to.

Do you actually know OP or are you just assuming all of this?

I'd guess the poster is assuming, but it's just as valid an assumption as the idea that grandma is mean, stingy, critical, and unloving. Maybe more so, since the granddaughters appear to voluntarily visit grandma as adults. It is kind of sad the number of people, on this thread but more generally, who think that younger people paying attention to their elderly relatives is 100 percent a favor to the old, that there's no way the young enjoy or derive any real pleasure from spending time with older relatives, and that older relatives need to become doormats if they want the visits to continue. Like, did *no one* every like spending time with their grandparents besides me?

I’m glad you had great grandparents. Do you understand how many of us don’t have that? Yes, it’s sad for me, sad for my kids, but this our life.

Yes, I get that not everyone does. But that's totally irrelevant to whether Grandma has some obligation to let someone else drive her car, or whether OP should warn Grandma that her granddaughters won't visit as often if they can't use the car. This grandma doesn't seem to be an awful person, given that her granddaughters visit her when they don't have to.

We’re on page 6. No one has said grandma doesn’t have the right to control her car. But yes it’s very nice for the granddaughters to visit so it would be nice if grandma helped make the visits easier. You want to assume grandma is nice bc the kids visit. Others here have called the kids entitled but I happen to think they are pretty nice for visiting. Do you know many CURRENT 18 and 23 years who visit their grandparents by themselves multiple times a year? I don’t.

Maybe Grandma makes the visits easier in other ways?