Sibling Wedding: WWYD

[Anonymous]

I would fly if possible, leave the kids and spouse at home.

I'd be mortified if my brother didn't invite my kids to his wedding. In fact, my own brother is getting married in December, pretty far away from here, and he reached out to me to ask me about dates in advance. (Second wedding, too -- which IMO makes zero difference to any of this.)

Money for gifts is *very* culturally defined. I would not give a family member a cash gift; my spouse is from the NE and cash gifts are the norm. The amount you spend also varies a good deal. Look to your own family circle for guidance, not to strangers on the internet.

[Anonymous]

Damn. People are such cheap as*es.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would fly if possible, leave the kids and spouse at home.

I'd be mortified if my brother didn't invite my kids to his wedding. In fact, my own brother is getting married in December, pretty far away from here, and he reached out to me to ask me about dates in advance. (Second wedding, too -- which IMO makes zero difference to any of this.)

Money for gifts is *very* culturally defined. I would not give a family member a cash gift; my spouse is from the NE and cash gifts are the norm. The amount you spend also varies a good deal. Look to your own family circle for guidance, not to strangers on the internet.

Exactly this. I am also from the NE, everyone gives money. Dh is from the south, I was warned by my SIL that if the guests don't approve of your registry selection they'll get buy a random crystal dish instead. And that's exactly what happened!

And agree on the amount too- my extended family is generally middle class, anything above $150 would be outside the norm, although I'd probably give $200 to a sibling.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I had almost this exact situation a couple years ago. I went alone and DH stayed home with the kids. Flew in Saturday morning, flew out Sunday. There was no way I was going to drag the kids halfway across the country so they could sit in a hotel room with a stranger. We don't have any local relatives they could stay with, so DH stayed home. It is what it is. I support people's right to have any kind of wedding they want, but as a guest I'm not going to twist myself in a pretzel to accommodate their choices.

Exactly this.

[Anonymous]

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Anonymous wrote:Just don't go to the dinner - no big deal. It's a dinner for whatever family happens to be in town. That's all.

This. It’s not a summons. Drive Friday.

This. I don't understand why people feel like an invitation is a demand. It's an invitation. It sounds like a lovely gesture and I'd let the bride's parents know that it was very nice of them to invite you and your family, but you aren't arriving until Friday night and you look forward to meeting them at the wedding.

True. But it's family. It's a nice gesture, and weddings are big events. What are OP's husband and kids doing that's so important that they can't take an extra day to attend a wedding of their BIL/Uncle? Not much, I imagine.

Who is this poster?? Stop. Just because “it’s family” doesn’t mean that you should drag 2 kids to spend 2 full days of driving for a 1 hour ceremony. That’s really nuts.

It’s a wedding. Some people value family. The ceremony is the important part -the kids can attend. Op doesn’t have to bring them for the future in law dinner if she’s worrying about missing an extra day of school. I had tweens/teens attend my wedding even though they missed school and I appreciated it. And 10 years later I attended their weddings with my kids even though I had kids in school. That’s what families do.

But in this case the kids aren't welcome at the reception. To many of us, that IS the most important part.

I didn’t grow up attending a lot of receptions but I did go to a good number of church and temple ceremonies. It was always a good time to connect with cousins/family friends etc. even when I did go to a reception as a kid we usually left around 9 cause we were kids…

I’ve never found this to be the case. I’m Protestant for one thing and our ceremonies are quite short. You have to be quiet in the chapel, and people leave for the wedding reception fairly quickly following the service. The time for catching up with relatives is either the rehearsal dinner, or the reception, not the ceremony itself.

I'm Catholic and went to all of the receptions. I agree with pp, the ceremony wasn't a time to catch up.

Your experiences aren’t universal. Of course people chat as they get seats, stand in the reception line and hang out around the church. And for Jewish and Hindu ceremonies which are much longer-there’s even more time to engage.

Reception lines aren't universal. And I still wouldn't travel with my kids just for them to attend a ceremony even if there was time for some minimal interaction. The kids wouldn't get anything out of it and would likely to be more bummed that they then had to go back and sit in a hotel with some rando babysitter. Local would be a different story- I certainly attended a couple wedding ceremonies like this as a kid but it was all local family.

[Anonymous]

I would not go early because of the kids' school schedule.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just don't go to the dinner - no big deal. It's a dinner for whatever family happens to be in town. That's all.

Agree, you are oveethinking this. Drive up friday.

[Anonymous]

What? The kids aren't invited to the wedding? I would just send a gift.

[Anonymous]

Its shockingly rude not to invite your children to the reception. I would drive up myself on Friday and have dh stay home with the kids. Really, the bride and groom here sound like asses.

[Anonymous]

I’d go alone, get in as late as possible, and out as early as possible. If there was need to meet the bride before the wedding, that could have been done during their dating and engagement. Meeting her at her mom’s house two days before the wedding midweek at your expense of time and finances seems superfluous to me.

As far as bringing your kids - I think it’s rude to invite them to the ceremony and then not the reception. I can get on board with no kids at all, but to make them sit through what to a kid is the boring part, and then leave them out of the fun is rude, especially for travelling families. It’s their wedding so they do get to “want what they want” but you don’t have to turn your life inside out to accommodate them.,

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:What? The kids aren't invited to the wedding? I would just send a gift.

They’re invited to the ceremony. Just not the reception. Which is common.

[Anonymous]

Sounds like you're being petty and spiteful because you're not over your brother being divorced and your kids not being invited to the reception.

In case no one ever told you it's not all about you and your feelings.

It's fine to miss the dinner.

If it's going to be too much of a hassle for you DH and the kids to all go he can stay home with the kids and you fly in for the wedding.

Unless you are financially strapped give the kind of gift you normally would. Don't try to punish your brother here for being divorced.

Try to get to know your new SIL you might actually like her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just don't go to the dinner - no big deal. It's a dinner for whatever family happens to be in town. That's all.

Agree, you are oveethinking this. Drive up friday.

+1. Stick with the original plan and original gift amount. Don’t let some random dinner give you FOMO.

[Anonymous]

I would go with the whole family (the kids can miss 3 days of school for a family event). I would probably give a smaller wedding present because of the increased cost. Family is important and we show up for family events.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I would go with the whole family (the kids can miss 3 days of school for a family event). I would probably give a smaller wedding present because of the increased cost. Family is important and we show up for family events.

What are they supposed to do with the kids for 4 hrs when they are at the reception? Most people aren't okay with a random baby sitter.