Sibling Wedding: WWYD

[Anonymous]

My brother is getting married next year. He is in his mid 30s. His fiancée is early 30s or late 20s (I haven’t met her yet). This is my brother’s second wedding. Their wedding is on a Saturday. It will take me a full long day to drive there. The bride’s parents have graciously invited my siblings (+spouses and children if we bring them) and parents to dinner at their house the Thursday before the wedding. While I can drive all day and be a reasonable dinner guest the same evening, I don’t think I should/can expect that of my kids at their ages so if I take my children and spouse to the wedding we’ll have to drive Wednesday. Before the bride’s parents invited us to dinner on Thursday I was planning to drive all day Friday and be there for the wedding Saturday to make it a quick trip and minimize the amount of school my kids miss. Now they’ll miss 3 days instead of 1. Granted they aren’t in high school yet but they’re already missing a couple of days earlier in the school year due to a previously scheduled vacation that we rebooked several times due to COVID and now can no longer rebook without loosing our money. (We rebooked the vacation before the engagement was announced).

I feel cheap admitting this, but I’m also thinking of spending less on their wedding present if I go Wednesday and have to pay for 2 additional nights at a hotel. I was originally thinking I’d give the bride and groom a check in the range of $500-$800 but now I’m thinking of subtracting the amount of the extra hotel nights and rounding up in their favor. Is that ridiculous?

So here are my questions: 1) Would you go two days earlier than planned to have dinner at the home of the bride’s parents? It is kind of them to host but lengthens the trip. 2) Would you bring your kids at all or just leave them home? The kids are welcome at the wedding ceremony but not at the reception afterwards. 3) Am I being cheap or petty to reduce the wedding gift amount due to the added cost of two nights at a hotel?

[Anonymous]

I would not go two days early for the dinner. Nice of the bride's parents but that would take too much of my vacation and my kids would miss more days of school that I would like.

What are your options for childcare if the kids can't go to the reception? Do you have to hire someone there?

I would cut back on the wedding gift if I extended the trip (but I wouldn't do that as I said) or if I had to pay for childcare during the reception. My family doesn't give that much for wedding gifts though.

[Anonymous]

I’d ditch the husband and kids, go Wednesday, crash with your brother

[Anonymous]

It’s your brothers second wedding and you haven’t met the bride. I wouldn’t bring my kids. I’d try to get there on Thursday for the dinner but if it means one more night in a hotel plus the sitter at home I’d probably get there on Friday. In terms of the wedding present I wouldn’t factor in the other costs. $500 is more than enough.

[Anonymous]

Just don't go to the dinner - no big deal. It's a dinner for whatever family happens to be in town. That's all.

[Anonymous]

Give them $250-300. No need to give that much for a second wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Give them $250-300. No need to give that much for a second wedding.

It’s HER first (only?) wedding.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Give them $250-300. No need to give that much for a second wedding.

It’s HER first (only?) wedding.

And she’s a stranger. The generous gift is because the groom is OP’s brother, and the question wasn’t about if she is giving too much for a second wedding.

[Anonymous]

This is not difficult: Leave your spouse and children at home. Drive there alone on Thursday. Drive back on Sunday.
Give whatever gift you want.

Stop stressing about this wedding that is at least 6 months away.

Done.

[Anonymous]

Absolutely skip the dinner, everyone will understand.

Since the reception is kid free, I’d have zero guilt leaving kids at home. If DHs parents or trusted person can’t watch them overnight, go without him.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I’d ditch the husband and kids, go Wednesday, crash with your brother

Please do not crash with the groom.

[Anonymous]

It is an invitation, not a summons. If you can’t make, you can’t make it. The parents are trying to be nice.

[Anonymous]

Leave kids/husband at home. FLY to destination Thursday morning instead of doing a long drive. Fly home Sunday morning.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:I’d ditch the husband and kids, go Wednesday, crash with your brother

Please do not crash with the groom.

Right? With?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:This is not difficult: Leave your spouse and children at home. Drive there alone on Thursday. Drive back on Sunday.
Give whatever gift you want.

Stop stressing about this wedding that is at least 6 months away.

Done.

+1. Luckily we don't give each other such expensive gifts. My brother and SIL got something off their registry for $100.