Son and DIL asking for new vacation next year

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:Why are you all acting like them offering to pay is some big deal? They've been treated to free weeks at the beach for years. That's a significant cost, especially Fenwick. I don't think it's crazy of them to want to try something new, but yes of course they should be treating for once.

The other option is the son and daughter-in-law going to the mountains and not inviting OP. How do you not understand that going on multigeneration family vacations for decades is a big deal?

I don't think it would be bad for son and DIL to go on their own mountain vacation without inviting OP, at all. It's their vacation time to spend as they please. I don't think they are obligated to vacation with anyone, or to do the same thing every year if they don't want to.

I just don't get all the comments like OMG wow amazing they're offering to pay...well, yeah! They've been getting expense vacations from OP and her husband for years!

I am not super impressed that OP has paid all of these years. It was her way of keeping control and remaining the center of gravity in her family.

Um, last time I checked, adults old enough to be married and have kids always have free will. They could have said no or offered alternate plans at any time. I don't think they were wrong to accept the freebie vacations, but OP and her husband could not "control" anyone. They were always free to say, "Thank you for the kind offer, but we have other vacation plans this year." How is accepting someone's offer that person controlling you? Just decline. An invitation is not a summons.

Yes, they just declined with 1 year notice, and OP is STILL boohooing about her traditions and them shunning the beach. She knows exactly what she is doing.

She's working through her feelings and is asking DCUM for perspective. She has never had the power to make her son or his wife go on vacations. That's...not something anyone has the "control" to do.

She is trying to control through guilt and emotional manipulation. Just because it's possible to resist that form of control does not mean it isn't about control for OP.

What actions did she take or words did she say to her DS/DIL that lead you to draw this conclusion?

I don’t believe for a minute that you are actually interested in hearing but fighting whatever anyone says. But when OP purposely miscast her children’s offer as about the beach being awful you should been able to spot the issue.

[Anonymous]

Go to the mountain for free and see how you like it, OP.

And FYI, please do not mention "tradition". "Tradition" is responsible for a lot of misogynist treatment of women, and responsible for stifling young adults to go along with their parents and grandparents' view of the world. Let them create their own habits and lifestyles.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you all acting like them offering to pay is some big deal? They've been treated to free weeks at the beach for years. That's a significant cost, especially Fenwick. I don't think it's crazy of them to want to try something new, but yes of course they should be treating for once.

The other option is the son and daughter-in-law going to the mountains and not inviting OP. How do you not understand that going on multigeneration family vacations for decades is a big deal?

I don't think it would be bad for son and DIL to go on their own mountain vacation without inviting OP, at all. It's their vacation time to spend as they please. I don't think they are obligated to vacation with anyone, or to do the same thing every year if they don't want to.

I just don't get all the comments like OMG wow amazing they're offering to pay...well, yeah! They've been getting expense vacations from OP and her husband for years!

I am not super impressed that OP has paid all of these years. It was her way of keeping control and remaining the center of gravity in her family.

Um, last time I checked, adults old enough to be married and have kids always have free will. They could have said no or offered alternate plans at any time. I don't think they were wrong to accept the freebie vacations, but OP and her husband could not "control" anyone. They were always free to say, "Thank you for the kind offer, but we have other vacation plans this year." How is accepting someone's offer that person controlling you? Just decline. An invitation is not a summons.

Yes, they just declined with 1 year notice, and OP is STILL boohooing about her traditions and them shunning the beach. She knows exactly what she is doing.

She's working through her feelings and is asking DCUM for perspective. She has never had the power to make her son or his wife go on vacations. That's...not something anyone has the "control" to do.

She is trying to control through guilt and emotional manipulation. Just because it's possible to resist that form of control does not mean it isn't about control for OP.

What actions did she take or words did she say to her DS/DIL that lead you to draw this conclusion?

I don’t believe for a minute that you are actually interested in hearing but fighting whatever anyone says. But when OP purposely miscast her children’s offer as about the beach being awful you should been able to spot the issue.

Wow, this is my second post on this thread.

As far as I can tell, OP is sad and trying to understand why the younger generation doesn't want to keep doing what she has been doing for decades. There are many reasons, and people should answer her.

But nothing here indicates to me that she has been at all emotionally manipulative. There is a difference between feeling a way, thinking a way, and acting a way....

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you all acting like them offering to pay is some big deal? They've been treated to free weeks at the beach for years. That's a significant cost, especially Fenwick. I don't think it's crazy of them to want to try something new, but yes of course they should be treating for once.

The other option is the son and daughter-in-law going to the mountains and not inviting OP. How do you not understand that going on multigeneration family vacations for decades is a big deal?

I don't think it would be bad for son and DIL to go on their own mountain vacation without inviting OP, at all. It's their vacation time to spend as they please. I don't think they are obligated to vacation with anyone, or to do the same thing every year if they don't want to.

I just don't get all the comments like OMG wow amazing they're offering to pay...well, yeah! They've been getting expense vacations from OP and her husband for years!

I am not super impressed that OP has paid all of these years. It was her way of keeping control and remaining the center of gravity in her family.

Um, last time I checked, adults old enough to be married and have kids always have free will. They could have said no or offered alternate plans at any time. I don't think they were wrong to accept the freebie vacations, but OP and her husband could not "control" anyone. They were always free to say, "Thank you for the kind offer, but we have other vacation plans this year." How is accepting someone's offer that person controlling you? Just decline. An invitation is not a summons.

Yes, they just declined with 1 year notice, and OP is STILL boohooing about her traditions and them shunning the beach. She knows exactly what she is doing.

She's working through her feelings and is asking DCUM for perspective. She has never had the power to make her son or his wife go on vacations. That's...not something anyone has the "control" to do.

She is trying to control through guilt and emotional manipulation. Just because it's possible to resist that form of control does not mean it isn't about control for OP.

What actions did she take or words did she say to her DS/DIL that lead you to draw this conclusion?

I don’t believe for a minute that you are actually interested in hearing but fighting whatever anyone says. But when OP purposely miscast her children’s offer as about the beach being awful you should been able to spot the issue.

Wow, this is my second post on this thread.

As far as I can tell, OP is sad and trying to understand why the younger generation doesn't want to keep doing what she has been doing for decades. There are many reasons, and people should answer her.

But nothing here indicates to me that she has been at all emotionally manipulative. There is a difference between feeling a way, thinking a way, and acting a way....

We shouldn’t answer her on _why_ the younger generation wants change. They do and they have handled it very admirably. We should advise OP what steps she should take next.

As for emotionally manipulative, we’ll have to disagree.

[Anonymous]

As is almost always the way in threads started by petulant MILs, OP hasn't been back to clarify any points or thank people for their input.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have gone to the beach (Fenwick) for decades, and of course brought our kids when they were young. After my son and my daughter grew up and each got married, we've invited their families to join us each year. (We also include my husband's sister and her son, and my husband's mother while she was alive.) We sometimes invite friends, so we usually rent from one of three nice properties. We have good relationships with the owners of each property, and we enjoy the trip every year.

Apparently my son and his wife do not wish to do the beach trip next year--they already agreed to this year when DH and I reached out in January. They are sending us links for mountain resorts, and are offering to pay. DH and I would rather be at the beach, but DH does not have a lot of vacation time (he manages a pool company, so unfortunately little work from home opportunity from them, and summers are obviously quite busy). But I would hate to miss out on the opportunity to vacation with our grandkids.

Am I wrong to feel that this is a lot to process? We pay for lovely accommodations. I understand that DIL wants something different and is offering to pay, but I still kind of wonder why a free beach week is so awful and tradition needs to be changed.

OP you have several choices.
1. Decline the mountain trip and continue with your annual beach week with those who can come and with your husband.
2. Go solo (without husband) to the mountain trip and have your annual beach week with husband and those who can come.
3. Skip your beach week one year and you and husband join your son for the mountain trip.

I grew up about 20 miles from the Delaware/Maryland beaches. I lived and worked in Rehoboth for many years. I lived and worked in OC Md for many years. Understand however that not everyone is crazy about the beach. Many find it boring. Many find the sun problematic. Many find the traffic and crowds problematic. Many people don't like the heat.

My beautiful niece met a guy in NYC. He grew up in Wilmington. My niece met the boyfriend's mother at the Rehoboth family beach house. The mother made it very very clear that the family vacationed together for two weeks every summer in Rehoboth and that if my niece married into the family that she would be expected to vacation two weeks every summer at the family's beach house while all of the family was present.
CRAZY. My niece is no longer with this guy.

What does your husband want to do? It sounds like he has a demanding and challenging job. I'd maybe see what he wants to do on his break.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:As is almost always the way in threads started by petulant MILs, OP hasn't been back to clarify any points or thank people for their input.

Haha! I disagree. I think she is here, I think it was her posting:

“ As far as I can tell, OP is sad and trying to understand why the younger generation doesn't want to keep doing what she has been doing for decades. There are many reasons, and people should answer her. “

People should answer her? She is demanding answers!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:As is almost always the way in threads started by petulant MILs, OP hasn't been back to clarify any points or thank people for their input.

Haha! I disagree. I think she is here, I think it was her posting:

“ As far as I can tell, OP is sad and trying to understand why the younger generation doesn't want to keep doing what she has been doing for decades. There are many reasons, and people should answer her. “

People should answer her? She is demanding answers!

I feel like someone is trying to manipulate me into answering. I won’t be controlled!

[Anonymous]

My in-laws also take us to the beach each year which was fun when my kids were babies and pre-school, but now they are old enough to go do other things that don’t involve being close to home for a nap.

We only take 2 vacations a year and have a long list of places we want to see with our kids in the next 10 years before the oldest goes to college.
I think you should consider going to the beach alone and doing a different vacation with your kids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you all acting like them offering to pay is some big deal? They've been treated to free weeks at the beach for years. That's a significant cost, especially Fenwick. I don't think it's crazy of them to want to try something new, but yes of course they should be treating for once.

The other option is the son and daughter-in-law going to the mountains and not inviting OP. How do you not understand that going on multigeneration family vacations for decades is a big deal?

I don't think it would be bad for son and DIL to go on their own mountain vacation without inviting OP, at all. It's their vacation time to spend as they please. I don't think they are obligated to vacation with anyone, or to do the same thing every year if they don't want to.

I just don't get all the comments like OMG wow amazing they're offering to pay...well, yeah! They've been getting expense vacations from OP and her husband for years!

I am not super impressed that OP has paid all of these years. It was her way of keeping control and remaining the center of gravity in her family.

Um, last time I checked, adults old enough to be married and have kids always have free will. They could have said no or offered alternate plans at any time. I don't think they were wrong to accept the freebie vacations, but OP and her husband could not "control" anyone. They were always free to say, "Thank you for the kind offer, but we have other vacation plans this year." How is accepting someone's offer that person controlling you? Just decline. An invitation is not a summons.

Yes, they just declined with 1 year notice, and OP is STILL boohooing about her traditions and them shunning the beach. She knows exactly what she is doing.

She's working through her feelings and is asking DCUM for perspective. She has never had the power to make her son or his wife go on vacations. That's...not something anyone has the "control" to do.

Yet we all know parents who do emotionally blackmail the kids to do this vacation. I know I have done things for the older generation I would not choose for myself.

[Anonymous]

I'm another who hates going to the beach. Way too hot. And I like the water, but only so much of it. I'd rather just go to the pool for a couple of hours and then do something else.

But for OP's situation, it sounds like she has more time than her husband. So the compromise is that she goes on vacation to the beach with her husband and that a different week, she goes to the mountains with her kids and grandkids. Then her husband gets his beach vacation on his limited time and the kids and grandkids get the vacation that the kids want and OP still gets to see her grandkids.

Either grandpa has to forgo going to the beach or he doesn't get to vacation with his kids and grandkids. His choice. But the kids and grandkids have sacrificed their vacation time for years to grandpa and they don't have to keep doing it. He can choose if he'd rather be at the beach with just his wife or if he's rather go to the mountains and see his kids and grandkids.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Huh? “I prefer the beach. My son and DIL want to go to the mountains this time around. Why can’t they just do what I want instead of what they want?”

OP, I personally LOVE the beach. But they are adults with their own preferences and ideas. It’s unfortunate there wasn’t communication about this change sooner, but vacation time is precious and as the trip approaches, they realized they need to speak up and discuss it with you all.

Um, what? OP stated that they agreed to go to the beach this year but *in January* started asking about mountain resorts for *next year,* as in 2023.

Oh, wow, I missed that. Then OP is even more wacky than I thought!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have gone to the beach (Fenwick) for decades, and of course brought our kids when they were young. After my son and my daughter grew up and each got married, we've invited their families to join us each year. (We also include my husband's sister and her son, and my husband's mother while she was alive.) We sometimes invite friends, so we usually rent from one of three nice properties. We have good relationships with the owners of each property, and we enjoy the trip every year.

Apparently my son and his wife do not wish to do the beach trip next year--they already agreed to this year when DH and I reached out in January. They are sending us links for mountain resorts, and are offering to pay. DH and I would rather be at the beach, but DH does not have a lot of vacation time (he manages a pool company, so unfortunately little work from home opportunity from them, and summers are obviously quite busy). But I would hate to miss out on the opportunity to vacation with our grandkids.

Am I wrong to feel that this is a lot to process? We pay for lovely accommodations. I understand that DIL wants something different and is offering to pay, but I still kind of wonder why a free beach week is so awful and tradition needs to be changed.

Why can't you take children to beach with you for a week? Take them home and then they can go to mountains with parents.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Huh? “I prefer the beach. My son and DIL want to go to the mountains this time around. Why can’t they just do what I want instead of what they want?”

OP, I personally LOVE the beach. But they are adults with their own preferences and ideas. It’s unfortunate there wasn’t communication about this change sooner, but vacation time is precious and as the trip approaches, they realized they need to speak up and discuss it with you all.

Um, what? OP stated that they agreed to go to the beach this year but *in January* started asking about mountain resorts for *next year,* as in 2023.

Oh, wow, I missed that. Then OP is even more wacky than I thought!

That's . . . not what it says.

OP is still ridiculous, though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are offering to pay. They are willing to include you. That's nice.

Do you get that not everyone adores the beach each and every year? After about two days of nonstop bugs and sand everywhere, I'm over it. I think a mountain resort sounds lovely. People like a change of pace. Not everyone like We Do This Tradition Every Year.

+1

I love the beach, but my redheaded children hate it because of the sun. Not everyone likes the same thing.

OP, your son and DIL are handling this very well and you should respond in kind, as a fellow adult. Also, FYI: You are not in charge. You are on equal footing with your adult children.

Actually, the MIL is on way lower footing when it comes to deciding her adults' kids vacations.
MIL, it's really inappropriate to think that you get to dictate their vacations. Really inappropriate.
And when you say "agree" in Jan to a vacation... in summer 2023?

OP is on equal footing to the extent that her son and DIL want to vacation with her and her husband.

Otherwise, I agree that she is not on equal footing as her adult son and DIL can do whatever they want for their vacation.