Son and DIL asking for new vacation next year

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:They are offering to pay. They are willing to include you. That's nice.

Do you get that not everyone adores the beach each and every year? After about two days of nonstop bugs and sand everywhere, I'm over it. I think a mountain resort sounds lovely. People like a change of pace. Not everyone like We Do This Tradition Every Year.

+1

I love the beach, but my redheaded children hate it because of the sun. Not everyone likes the same thing.

OP, your son and DIL are handling this very well and you should respond in kind, as a fellow adult. Also, FYI: You are not in charge. You are on equal footing with your adult children.

This. I also love the beach and we go every year. But I think you need to appreciate how this went versus how it could have gone. They could have said, "We have limited vacation and cannot do both the beach trip and a mountain trip our family wants to take. We have decide next year, the 4 of us are going to do X so we will have to miss your breach trip. Have fun! We will send you a postcard!"

You have options here.

[Anonymous]

OP there is a level of hurt in your post that makes me wonder if you are thinking “hmm maybe they didn’t enjoy those precious trips as much as I did because they want to do something different “. If that’s what you are thinking I’d really encourage you to let it go and be glad your kids family is being honest with you (as well as kind and productive). They may have enjoyed those trips slightly less than you but now they want to include you in the chance to make new special memories. I have an honest and evolving relationship with my parents. My DH and SIL would get a massive guilt trip about how ungrateful they are if they tried to voice their feelings to their mom. So they do what they want, without her much of the time. Guess which relationship is stronger???

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you all acting like them offering to pay is some big deal? They've been treated to free weeks at the beach for years. That's a significant cost, especially Fenwick. I don't think it's crazy of them to want to try something new, but yes of course they should be treating for once.

The other option is the son and daughter-in-law going to the mountains and not inviting OP. How do you not understand that going on multigeneration family vacations for decades is a big deal?

I don't think it would be bad for son and DIL to go on their own mountain vacation without inviting OP, at all. It's their vacation time to spend as they please. I don't think they are obligated to vacation with anyone, or to do the same thing every year if they don't want to.

I just don't get all the comments like OMG wow amazing they're offering to pay...well, yeah! They've been getting expense vacations from OP and her husband for years!

NP. I hope I am never in the position where I have my children pay for my vacation with them. That's just me...

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

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Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you all acting like them offering to pay is some big deal? They've been treated to free weeks at the beach for years. That's a significant cost, especially Fenwick. I don't think it's crazy of them to want to try something new, but yes of course they should be treating for once.

The other option is the son and daughter-in-law going to the mountains and not inviting OP. How do you not understand that going on multigeneration family vacations for decades is a big deal?

I don't think it would be bad for son and DIL to go on their own mountain vacation without inviting OP, at all. It's their vacation time to spend as they please. I don't think they are obligated to vacation with anyone, or to do the same thing every year if they don't want to.

I just don't get all the comments like OMG wow amazing they're offering to pay...well, yeah! They've been getting expense vacations from OP and her husband for years!

I am not super impressed that OP has paid all of these years. It was her way of keeping control and remaining the center of gravity in her family.

Um, last time I checked, adults old enough to be married and have kids always have free will. They could have said no or offered alternate plans at any time. I don't think they were wrong to accept the freebie vacations, but OP and her husband could not "control" anyone. They were always free to say, "Thank you for the kind offer, but we have other vacation plans this year." How is accepting someone's offer that person controlling you? Just decline. An invitation is not a summons.

Yes, they just declined with 1 year notice, and OP is STILL boohooing about her traditions and them shunning the beach. She knows exactly what she is doing.

She's working through her feelings and is asking DCUM for perspective. She has never had the power to make her son or his wife go on vacations. That's...not something anyone has the "control" to do.

She is trying to control through guilt and emotional manipulation. Just because it's possible to resist that form of control does not mean it isn't about control for OP.

This. No person can force another to remain married or live with them, either, but missions of people are unduly controlled in their domestic relationships.

The attempt at control is the odious action; it doesn't have to be successful to cause damage.

I'm so sorry, did I miss the part where OP and her husband literally control all of their son/DIL's finances, and verbally and physically abuse them, and threaten to take their kids away from them? Did I miss the part where OP was plotting to hide car keys so no one could drive away? Y'all are something else.

You're being obtuse for no real reason. The point is that many things short of chaining a person to a radiator fall under the penumbra of control. Your insistence that OP cannot control another person - because if you think about it, it's not possible for anyone to control anyone! - just makes it seem like you have no idea what words mean.

Of course it is possible to control people: by threatening their livelihood, using violence, etc. But really, truly, there is no way you can control people by…offering to take them on vacation. Because they can say no if they want to. Really.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe they just want some variety or to try something new. We used to looooove going to Wildwood NJ but as our kids have aged out of making sandcastles we sometimes look into other things like a weekend in Philly, or Vermont or someplace mountain-y where we can do other activiites and enjoy cooler weather.

I would also consider whether they dislike your friends. [b]I would certainly not consider it a vacation if I had to keep my kids on "MIL's friends" level of attire and behavior the whole time. And if your friends are Trumpy or opinionated or insist on keeping the kids quiet, or they smoke or are in any way unpleasant, or stare at your DIL's boobs or tell racist jokes or whatever the problem is, that'll be a no-go. Vacation time is super scarce for most young families and they don't want to spend it doing things that are not enjoyable.

I think this is it. They seem to be fine with the idea of vacationing with you, since they want you to join them in the mountains, but maybe they are tired of vacationing with the large group you have every year. Honestly, that does not sound relaxing to me, either.

[Anonymous]

The “lovely accommodations” in the OP remind me of the “prepared a lovely meal/kitchen is closed/eat a delicious piece of fruit, but only in the backyard” lady.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Your Son and/or DIL probably also have limited vacation time. It isn't "so awful" to be at the beach but they want some variety. Neither of you are wrong.

This. Their time is valuable as well.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just be happy DIL wants to vacation with you and be flexible. Going to the same place every year sucks.

Agree.

[Anonymous]

Because they do not want to do the same thing every year. How nice of them to offer alternatives they are willing to pay for. What is So mysterious about it? They don’t want do it. It’s grown people deciding they want to try something else,
why is it hard to understand? I totally understand why you want to keep doing the same thing and you’re disappointed but it’s certainly not a mystery.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why are you all acting like them offering to pay is some big deal? They've been treated to free weeks at the beach for years. That's a significant cost, especially Fenwick. I don't think it's crazy of them to want to try something new, but yes of course they should be treating for once.

The other option is the son and daughter-in-law going to the mountains and not inviting OP. How do you not understand that going on multigeneration family vacations for decades is a big deal?

I don't think it would be bad for son and DIL to go on their own mountain vacation without inviting OP, at all. It's their vacation time to spend as they please. I don't think they are obligated to vacation with anyone, or to do the same thing every year if they don't want to.

I just don't get all the comments like OMG wow amazing they're offering to pay...well, yeah! They've been getting expense vacations from OP and her husband for years!

NP. I hope I am never in the position where I have my children pay for my vacation with them. That's just me...

Get over yourself. I would LOVE to be able to send my parents or in-laws on a nice vacation or go in one with them. It’s called a gift if appreciation for all they have done. It does not make you a deadbeat genius.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have gone to the beach (Fenwick) for decades, and of course brought our kids when they were young. After my son and my daughter grew up and each got married, we've invited their families to join us each year. (We also include my husband's sister and her son, and my husband's mother while she was alive.) We sometimes invite friends, so we usually rent from one of three nice properties. We have good relationships with the owners of each property, and we enjoy the trip every year.

Apparently my son and his wife do not wish to do the beach trip next year--they already agreed to this year when DH and I reached out in January. They are sending us links for mountain resorts, and are offering to pay. DH and I would rather be at the beach, but DH does not have a lot of vacation time (he manages a pool company, so unfortunately little work from home opportunity from them, and summers are obviously quite busy). But I would hate to miss out on the opportunity to vacation with our grandkids.

Am I wrong to feel that this is a lot to process? We pay for lovely accommodations. I understand that DIL wants something different and is offering to pay, but I still kind of wonder why a free beach week is so awful and tradition needs to be changed.

OP your post is cringeworthy! First you start by saying your son and DIL but by the end you show nasty passive aggression with ‘I know my DIL’. Next you move onto whining about why your lovely accommodation is so awful. You know that no one said your beach rental is awful. Your SON just does not want to do the same trip year after year. For the trifecta, you go on about how you don’t have enough vacation time to do bth trips while never considering that your adult children don’t have unlimited vacation!

You are a very bad mother and MIL.

[Anonymous]

I didn't read all 8 pages, but why not go on a beach vacation with your DH and then go with your son and DIL to the mountains, even if your husband can't?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:My husband and I have gone to the beach (Fenwick) for decades, and of course brought our kids when they were young. After my son and my daughter grew up and each got married, we've invited their families to join us each year. (We also include my husband's sister and her son, and my husband's mother while she was alive.) We sometimes invite friends, so we usually rent from one of three nice properties. We have good relationships with the owners of each property, and we enjoy the trip every year.

Apparently my son and his wife do not wish to do the beach trip next year--they already agreed to this year when DH and I reached out in January. They are sending us links for mountain resorts, and are offering to pay. DH and I would rather be at the beach, but DH does not have a lot of vacation time (he manages a pool company, so unfortunately little work from home opportunity from them, and summers are obviously quite busy). But I would hate to miss out on the opportunity to vacation with our grandkids.

Am I wrong to feel that this is a lot to process? We pay for lovely accommodations. I understand that DIL wants something different and is offering to pay, but I still kind of wonder why a free beach week is so awful and tradition needs to be changed.

OP your post is cringeworthy! First you start by saying your son and DIL but by the end you show nasty passive aggression with ‘I know my DIL’. Next you move onto whining about why your lovely accommodation is so awful. You know that no one said your beach rental is awful. Your SON just does not want to do the same trip year after year. For the trifecta, you go on about how you don’t have enough vacation time to do bth trips while never considering that your adult children don’t have unlimited vacation!

You are a very bad mother and MIL.

This is ridiculous and so over-the-top. OP can be hurt and wrong about the beach vacation without being a horrible person, mother, or MIL.

[Anonymous]

One thing about having adult children is learning to let them go to create their own traditions and learning to make compromises.

I get it, OP. I love the beach. I grew up in FL near the beach and long to live at the beach again. I just so happened to marry a woman who is very 'meh' about the beach. She doesn't love it or hate it. She tolerates it because she loves me.

Her favorite vacation destination is the woods/mountains. I don't mind those places, per se, but they are not my ideal vacation spot in the summer.

We take turns choosing vacations each year. When I pick a beach destination, I also try to book a few activities that I know she'll enjoy like parasailing or chartering a boat (she does love sailing). When she picks a destination not at the beach, she always tries to include some aspect with water whenever possible to please me.

It is hard letting go to traditions. I understand that. My oldest is doing a summer internship and even though she's off July 1-5, she's decided not to travel to meet us at our traditional huge family 4th of July vacation spot. It was definitely a gut-punch when she told me. This will be the first year without her there since she was born! I let myself be sad about it for a day or so and I've now moved on to excitement for her to explore her new location and expand her independence.

[Anonymous]

Reality check, OP: How many people truly enjoy vacations with their in-laws' friends? Hardly any! Certainly not enough to do it every single year. Did you do that when you were a young married person? Come on.