MIL mad that we changed the door code without telling her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think some of you, including OP, are missing two things:

1. Why do you feel so weird about a close relative entering without permission? It's not like she stole or snooped.

In some families, that's just normal. I let myself into my parents' apartment without "permission", because I have tacit blanket permission. I would never think of ASKING my parents to let me know when they arrive in my house, because in my mind, of course they can come whenever! I would never think of asking my children, once they're adults, to let me know when they drop in. They're welcome at any time.

So perhaps this poor MIL thinks that way too, especially as she's been helpful to you in the past feeding your cat, etc. Maybe it did not cross her mind that you'd find it so rude and boundary-crossing.

2. Going forward, if my kids or parents kicked up a huge fuss because I came in without their express and single-use permission, I would think twice about helping them in the future. I would be really hurt that they believe I'm not trustworthy.



So just think about what you're doing to your relationship with your MIL, if she's been a reliable person so far.

I'm glad you won't be my son's MIL. You have zero respect for boundaries.

[Anonymous]

I would ask DH to ask her why she never mentioned stopping by and go from there depending on the answer.

[Anonymous]

Your MIL sounds like she has a screw loose OP. It would have been ok if you and dh knew about the trips to your house, not ok she was letting herself in to use to bathroom and whatever else she was doing!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

NP. It’s not that, I think? It’s the boundary violation of doing this without asking or at least telling the OP and her husband. There was no understanding among them that this was okay.

If there was no understanding then they just had different expectations about what was deemed appropriate use of the code. If I were OP I would just talk to her and give her another code. Tell her to check in when she comes. People make mistakes and miscommunications happen but for OP just to shut her out seems unnecessary and fruitless. She could be handling this situation in a much gentler and more effective way.

It seems like maybe you missed that the OP’s husband is also pretty unhappy about what his mother did?

It isn’t a MIL issue.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The most important part of your post is that your husband is just as pissed and on board with not giving out the new code. That’s all anyone needs to know here. I’d suggest that you move along and stop reading, OP. There will be those that think MIL is just fine stopping in unannounced while you are not home. No need to waste time reading that.

Let your husband handle it.

[Anonymous]

you are not over reacting.

there is obviously a reason she didn't tell you. i would 1000% suspect that she was also snooping when she was there.

i'm a little surprised you don't have any outdoor cameras that you would have noticed. or an alert to your phone that someone used the code. if it were me, i would probably feel more comfortable with at least a doorbell camera from now on.

[Anonymous]

Instead of going nuclear, can you just tell MIL she needs to let you know before she comes by, even if you aren’t there? What’s wrong with giving you a heads up?

[Anonymous]

Team OP. MIL has definitely been snooping. Next thing you know she will be borrowing OPs shoes to take out the trash, and eating OPs special chocolates!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this is a Jewish thing but of course you let your MIL have the door code in case she needs to use the bathroom or whatever. Who cares? Why do you need to know??? She’s your family. What is wrong with you people?

No, it’s not a Jewish thing. My mother would never enter my house uninvited, and I would never give her the code anyway. I like my privacy.

-Jew

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you are overreacting. I wouldn't have any issues having inlaws pop in to rest when we aren't there.

x1000 I cannot believe someone would be upset about something stupid like this. It isn't Fort Knox and it's your husband's mom. Why on earth would you mind if she popped in and used the potty while you were out. Crazy.

The potty? Are you two? What TF is wrong with you?

[Anonymous]

Stop overreacting and sabotaging relationships

[Anonymous]

How is she mad at you about changing the code to your house when she never bothered to ask if it was OK for her to use it from time to time when she goes shopping?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you are not over reacting.

there is obviously a reason she didn't tell you. i would 1000% suspect that she was also snooping when she was there.

i'm a little surprised you don't have any outdoor cameras that you would have noticed. or an alert to your phone that someone used the code. if it were me, i would probably feel more comfortable with at least a doorbell camera from now on.

this

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:12 Signs Of A Toxic Daughter-In-Law

1. She is controlling
2. She is selfish
3. She is unpredictable
4. She is spiteful
5. She is dominating
6. She brings her husband into trivial matters
7. She blames you for everything
8. She plays games
9. She disrespects you
10. She talks behind you
11. She is aggressive
12. She doesn’t let you talk to her children

https://www.momjunction.com/articles/toxic-daughter-in-law-signs-how-to-deal_00812138/

I give her 10 out of 12. Definitely toxic

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you are overreacting. I wouldn't have any issues having inlaws pop in to rest when we aren't there.

You are insane. There's this thing called privacy.