MIL mad that we changed the door code without telling her

[Anonymous]

Major boundary crossing here. But it needs to be clearly and calmly handled with frank communication. If you are ok with her stopping by to use your bathroom, but would like her to let you know first, then say that. If you are not ok with her stopping by while you are away, then tell her that.

It sounds like she assumed that since she was given the door code, it meant she was free to come and go as she pleased, and she saw nothing wrong with it.

As to why she got so upset about it, I don't know - maybe she had a bowel emergency and ended up soiling herself because she was locked out, who knows. Maybe she has anxiety around using public bathrooms.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:There are 2 issues here: MIL violated privacy by letting herself in the house without asking or at least alerting first. OP and her DH are not overreacting here. 2. How dare MIL actually be angry that she was not alerted of a new code when she was violating privacy behind their backs?

This right here, the fact that she was mad and felt entitled to the code would make me not give her the code again. I could see if she said “I should’ve told you guys but I stop by occasionally to rest. I noticed you changed the code. Are you okay with me stopping by and can I have the new code?”

[Anonymous]

White people!!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:White people!!

Funny — two of the most uptight people (not same families) I know about this are not white. One is also a huge helicopter parent. Kids weren’t allowed to walk to school a block away on their own through HS.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's not close family, period. Close family is parents and kids. They are the only ones with access to the house. Grandparents are extended family.

Close family is parents and kids? You mean like the mother in law and her son?

So MIL should have access to the house then. Thanks for clarifying.

You are absolutely absurd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope op doesn’t have any kids. She needs to learn to respect her elders first.

Nope. Respect is earned.

[Anonymous]

The primary issue is her reaction. Being furious and yelling about something you had zero awareness of should have been what you addressed. You didn’t tell her about the code change because you had no idea she was entering your home unannounced. She was doing exactly what the code change was to prevent- people in your home without your knowledge.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:The primary issue is her reaction. Being furious and yelling about something you had zero awareness of should have been what you addressed. You didn’t tell her about the code change because you had no idea she was entering your home unannounced. She was doing exactly what the code change was to prevent- people in your home without your knowledge.

+1

Yeah, this is super weird and violating. Not ONCE did she think to say, "Oh by the way, sometimes when I'm going shopping it would make things so much easier if I could stop by your house before I head home, do you have a problem with that?"

Also, how often are you out of the house? Does anyone else get the sense that she's planning her trips around when she knows OP will be gone? There's something off here, like she likes to snoop, or at least she gets some kind of enjoyment out of crossing lines.

[Anonymous]

And you just know she was snooping in cabinets and drawers while she was there. Do not give her the new code.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:NP.

Why are people protesting that MIL should be able to do this, when it's not the *doing* of it that's the problem, but the doing of it *secretively* plus getting mad when the secretive part was unintentionally taken away from her?

Are people deliberately misreading the situation to feign outrage, or are people just misreading? Or do people have no sense of logic?

Exactly. The problem isn’t entering the house, the problem is the secrecy.

I grew up in a family that was in and out of each other’s homes all the time (my grandmother lived across the street). The normal process was knock, say “hellooo” and walk in (doors were rarely locked). But I would have never gone in when they weren’t home and not left a note that we had been there.

[Anonymous]

For those of you who think it's fine for MIL to rummage around in their house when they aren't home and don't know she's in there, what do you do with your box/drawer of sex toys? Is it just kept locked all the time or are you fine with your MIL rummaging through your vibrator collection and then possibly gossiping about you?

[Anonymous]

Does she have urinary incontinence? She may have been seeking a private place to change her clothes. I actually feel bad for saying she shouldn't have done this now. She definitely shouldn't have made a fuss about the code though.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Does she have urinary incontinence? She may have been seeking a private place to change her clothes. I actually feel bad for saying she shouldn't have done this now. She definitely shouldn't have made a fuss about the code though.

There are restrooms at every mall, Trader Joe’s, McDonald’s, etc. Or how about wearing Depends. If she needed to use their house, she could have ASKED.

[Anonymous]

A lot of the responses here make it really obvious that this thread attracts people who are really insecure and immature. Wow. You all need to get into therapy stat and grow the heck up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:A lot of the responses here make it really obvious that this thread attracts people who are really insecure and immature. Wow. You all need to get into therapy stat and grow the heck up.

If you want access to someone’s home, you ask. Anything else is immaturity and rude behavior in the extreme.