MIL mad that we changed the door code without telling her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

+1 THIS

Just hope your MIL doesn’t have an accident driving home. You’ll end up taking care of her and everyday wishing you had just given her the code.

MIL would be welcome to use the house whenever if she had simply asked first or even informed after. A simple apology and explanation and promise not to do it again without informing them would have kept her access intact. And if MIL is so bad off that she’d have an accident driving home, she shouldn’t be driving, point blank period. You tried it, though.

So you want grandma to grovel because the daughter is a @#$&*? So much better than just preserving the relationship.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. DH and I have no problem with her resting, using the restroom, or getting food and drink while we are out. What we do have a problem with is that she didn’t ask us, or at least inform us after the fact. I can totally see a time when our place was where she needed to go in case of (let’s delicately say) “tummy troubles” and wanted to go somewhere private. But there is no reason she couldn’t tell us about that after the fact, at the very least.

Thank you to all the posters who get that this was a violation of our privacy and our trust. I appreciate the support and cannot believe she wouldn’t at the very least tell us after the fact, “Just so you know, I stopped by and used your restroom and had a ginger ale to settle my stomach after a shopping trip today.” I would have had no issue with that, at all.

LOL. In other words, thank you for validating my opinion and nuts to everyone (the majority) who posted to indicate that they think I am overreacting.

I don’t think you know what “majority” means. Also, posting over and over again as though you’re different people doesn’t count 🙏

LOL even more. I've posted 3 times. This is the third.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

+1 THIS

Just hope your MIL doesn’t have an accident driving home. You’ll end up taking care of her and everyday wishing you had just given her the code.

MIL would be welcome to use the house whenever if she had simply asked first or even informed after. A simple apology and explanation and promise not to do it again without informing them would have kept her access intact. And if MIL is so bad off that she’d have an accident driving home, she shouldn’t be driving, point blank period. You tried it, though.

So you want grandma to grovel because the daughter is a @#$&*? So much better than just preserving the relationship.

Did OP say she had kids? Why are you calling this woman “grandma”? And why is DIL an “ass” but you don’t say one word about the son, you know the actual son of this woman?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Again, some more: notice that not one person can answer either of these questions:

NAME ONE REASON why she couldn’t have called first.

NAME ONE REASON why she couldn’t have informed them after the fact.

Name.
One.
Reason.

Nobody’s answering you because it’s a stupid question. She shouldn’t have to ask, it’s common courtesy to allow your parents to come take a nap when they’re tired and that courtesy shouldn’t be dependent on anything including calling first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Maybe this is a Jewish thing but of course you let your MIL have the door code in case she needs to use the bathroom or whatever. Who cares? Why do you need to know??? She’s your family. What is wrong with you people?

You do realize MIL could have walked in unannounced on OP and her husband having sex, or stepping out of the shower, or taking a sick day and scaring them? Especially if cars were in the garage or parked further down the street or something, she very well could have walked in on them, unannounced. I guess Jewish people are OK walking in on a married couple having sex, or walking in not knowing that they had company over…

So? Do you live with a particular fear of someone walking into an intimate moment? I don't. I find this whole thread quite bizarre. Of course MIL should have the updated code (I'm not Jewish)

No, because I don’t give out keys or my garage code. And now MIL won’t have a code, either. Too bad for her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Again, some more: notice that not one person can answer either of these questions:

NAME ONE REASON why she couldn’t have called first.

NAME ONE REASON why she couldn’t have informed them after the fact.

Name.
One.
Reason.

Nobody’s answering you because it’s a stupid question. She shouldn’t have to ask, it’s common courtesy to allow your parents to come take a nap when they’re tired and that courtesy shouldn’t be dependent on anything including calling first.

If it’s such a stupid question, you could answer it. But you can’t.

[Anonymous]

You’re overreacting OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

OP here. DH and I have no problem with her resting, using the restroom, or getting food and drink while we are out. What we do have a problem with is that she didn’t ask us, or at least inform us after the fact. I can totally see a time when our place was where she needed to go in case of (let’s delicately say) “tummy troubles” and wanted to go somewhere private. But there is no reason she couldn’t tell us about that after the fact, at the very least.

Thank you to all the posters who get that this was a violation of our privacy and our trust. I appreciate the support and cannot believe she wouldn’t at the very least tell us after the fact, “Just so you know, I stopped by and used your restroom and had a ginger ale to settle my stomach after a shopping trip today.” I would have had no issue with that, at all.

LOL. In other words, thank you for validating my opinion and nuts to everyone (the majority) who posted to indicate that they think I am overreacting.

I don’t think you know what “majority” means. Also, posting over and over again as though you’re different people doesn’t count 🙏

LOL even more. I've posted 3 times. This is the third.

Sure, sure.

[Anonymous]

Treating your mother in law poorly will certainly create ripples not only with her but also with your husband

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Treating your mother in law poorly will certainly create ripples not only with her but also with your husband

Maybe read the OP before commenting.

[Anonymous]

12 Signs Of A Toxic Daughter-In-Law

1. She is controlling
2. She is selfish
3. She is unpredictable
4. She is spiteful
5. She is dominating
6. She brings her husband into trivial matters
7. She blames you for everything
8. She plays games
9. She disrespects you
10. She talks behind you
11. She is aggressive
12. She doesn’t let you talk to her children

https://www.momjunction.com/articles/toxic-daughter-in-law-signs-how-to-deal_00812138/

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

NP. It’s not that, I think? It’s the boundary violation of doing this without asking or at least telling the OP and her husband. There was no understanding among them that this was okay.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

NP. It’s not that, I think? It’s the boundary violation of doing this without asking or at least telling the OP and her husband. There was no understanding among them that this was okay.

If there was no understanding then they just had different expectations about what was deemed appropriate use of the code. If I were OP I would just talk to her and give her another code. Tell her to check in when she comes. People make mistakes and miscommunications happen but for OP just to shut her out seems unnecessary and fruitless. She could be handling this situation in a much gentler and more effective way.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You’re not overreacting OP. Some people have poor boundaries and instead of accepting responsibility they become defensive and self justified when called out.

My mil used to do this. She has a key for emergency purposes or just in case we are not home and she needs to come over. She clearly didn’t understand because we realized she was stopping by our house when we were away to poke around, bring in mail. Even when we explicitly said Do Not Do This, she would still do it. Finally the last time my DH said something like “mom, we asked you to please not come over without asking and us saying ok. Why do you keep doing this?” She was really irritated but seems to have gotten the message and hasn’t since. We have cameras so get alerts when people enter our house when we are away.

You are not wrong and it is better to set boundary now then later when it gets worse and worse. All she needed to do was ask from the get-go “would you mind if I ever need a quick break or bathroom if I stopped by your house when you are oot?” I have no idea why people don’t just do this. I think it has to do with control issues and feeling like certain people are “theirs” so they can do as they please.

Nailed it.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I have 10 people with saved door codes and get an update on my Apple Watch every time they use theirs.

I get them on my phone and can also limit access from my phone.

Op you are not over reacting.