MIL mad that we changed the door code without telling her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Treating your mother in law poorly will certainly create ripples not only with her but also with your husband

Nope! Husband is squarely team OP. Sorry, Mom of Boys!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

NP. It’s not that, I think? It’s the boundary violation of doing this without asking or at least telling the OP and her husband. There was no understanding among them that this was okay.

If there was no understanding then they just had different expectations about what was deemed appropriate use of the code. If I were OP I would just talk to her and give her another code. Tell her to check in when she comes. People make mistakes and miscommunications happen but for OP just to shut her out seems unnecessary and fruitless. She could be handling this situation in a much gentler and more effective way.

OP here. That’s…literally what we did. We tried to talk to her and get on the same page. She would have none of that and instead stayed max. She refused to agree to call or text first or even to notify us when she is in the house, so no more code for her. It was my husband’s final decision.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

NP. It’s not that, I think? It’s the boundary violation of doing this without asking or at least telling the OP and her husband. There was no understanding among them that this was okay.

If there was no understanding then they just had different expectations about what was deemed appropriate use of the code. If I were OP I would just talk to her and give her another code. Tell her to check in when she comes. People make mistakes and miscommunications happen but for OP just to shut her out seems unnecessary and fruitless. She could be handling this situation in a much gentler and more effective way.

OP here. That’s…literally what we did. We tried to talk to her and get on the same page. She would have none of that and instead stayed max. She refused to agree to call or text first or even to notify us when she is in the house, so no more code for her. It was my husband’s final decision.

All these posters saying you’re overreacting and rude need to read this and apologize.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:12 Signs Of A Toxic Daughter-In-Law

1. She is controlling
2. She is selfish
3. She is unpredictable
4. She is spiteful
5. She is dominating
6. She brings her husband into trivial matters
7. She blames you for everything
8. She plays games
9. She disrespects you
10. She talks behind you
11. She is aggressive
12. She doesn’t let you talk to her children

https://www.momjunction.com/articles/toxic-daughter-in-law-signs-how-to-deal_00812138/

I give her 10 out of 12. Definitely toxic

That article is hilarious . Was it poorly translated from a south East Asian country’s language? If this were written in Hindu I’d believe it.

[Anonymous]

She prob liked the nice big empty house you have all to herself. And planned the weekend shop and day around hanging out solo in your nice big empty house.

Oops. She doesn’t handle change well. Now she must go rest at a coffee shop like most out of towners would.

Instead of free reign and use of your house, you should all come to a transparent agreement that she just ADMIT her plans. I’d like to rest at your house before the opera dinner and show- can I have the code?

Easy. Communication. Respect. Convenience. No nosying around the house unexpected. BFD.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

NP. It’s not that, I think? It’s the boundary violation of doing this without asking or at least telling the OP and her husband. There was no understanding among them that this was okay.

If there was no understanding then they just had different expectations about what was deemed appropriate use of the code. If I were OP I would just talk to her and give her another code. Tell her to check in when she comes. People make mistakes and miscommunications happen but for OP just to shut her out seems unnecessary and fruitless. She could be handling this situation in a much gentler and more effective way.

OP here. That’s…literally what we did. We tried to talk to her and get on the same page. She would have none of that and instead stayed max. She refused to agree to call or text first or even to notify us when she is in the house, so no more code for her. It was my husband’s final decision.

That’s really bizarre on her part.
She either has slow processing speed or really was doing something wrong in your house when you’re not there.

It’s fine to use a relatives empty house as a pit stop during a busy day.

It’s another can of worms to plan a day out and stop by specifically because that family owner is out of town.

I still think it’s the former and just convenient and nice to have empty space. She needs to get over whatever false perceptions she has and jsut clue you in when she does it.

Please get some security cameras as well. So odd.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

NP. It’s not that, I think? It’s the boundary violation of doing this without asking or at least telling the OP and her husband. There was no understanding among them that this was okay.

If there was no understanding then they just had different expectations about what was deemed appropriate use of the code. If I were OP I would just talk to her and give her another code. Tell her to check in when she comes. People make mistakes and miscommunications happen but for OP just to shut her out seems unnecessary and fruitless. She could be handling this situation in a much gentler and more effective way.

OP here. That’s…literally what we did. We tried to talk to her and get on the same page. She would have none of that and instead stayed max. She refused to agree to call or text first or even to notify us when she is in the house, so no more code for her. It was my husband’s final decision.

All these posters saying you’re overreacting and rude need to read this and apologize.

OP still #$&* now we know her husband is too

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:How is she mad at you about changing the code to your house when she never bothered to ask if it was OK for her to use it from time to time when she goes shopping?

Agree.


Totally rational reason for changing to code.

Totally rational to not call others and notify them, since nothing was planned or known about future stopping by.

Totally IRRATIONAL for MIL to be acting all pissed about it, especially since she never disclosed all her stop bys the empty hosiery

Totally rational to give her the code for the next time something is planned or needed. No problem.

She needs to grow up.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

NP. It’s not that, I think? It’s the boundary violation of doing this without asking or at least telling the OP and her husband. There was no understanding among them that this was okay.

If there was no understanding then they just had different expectations about what was deemed appropriate use of the code. If I were OP I would just talk to her and give her another code. Tell her to check in when she comes. People make mistakes and miscommunications happen but for OP just to shut her out seems unnecessary and fruitless. She could be handling this situation in a much gentler and more effective way.

OP here. That’s…literally what we did. We tried to talk to her and get on the same page. She would have none of that and instead stayed max. She refused to agree to call or text first or even to notify us when she is in the house, so no more code for her. It was my husband’s final decision.

All these posters saying you’re overreacting and rude need to read this and apologize.

Lol “all these posters”. It’s like a maximum of 2 people posting again and again 😂 And they’re both someone’s nightmare MIL

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

NP. It’s not that, I think? It’s the boundary violation of doing this without asking or at least telling the OP and her husband. There was no understanding among them that this was okay.

If there was no understanding then they just had different expectations about what was deemed appropriate use of the code. If I were OP I would just talk to her and give her another code. Tell her to check in when she comes. People make mistakes and miscommunications happen but for OP just to shut her out seems unnecessary and fruitless. She could be handling this situation in a much gentler and more effective way.

OP here. That’s…literally what we did. We tried to talk to her and get on the same page. She would have none of that and instead stayed max. She refused to agree to call or text first or even to notify us when she is in the house, so no more code for her. It was my husband’s final decision.

All these posters saying you’re overreacting and rude need to read this and apologize.

OP still #$&* now we know her husband is too

Okay, MIL. You’re right, they’re wrong. :roll:

[Anonymous]

I’m usually pro MIL on DCUM but in this case OP and her DH are totally in the right.

[Anonymous]

Maybe she was having a date over?

[Anonymous]

My MIL is v controlling and lacks social cues, but we still get along. My DH and i have a lot of sex and I leave our sex toys or lingerie out to dry after hand washing all the time. If she ever came in without asking, it would not be good for her to see that stuff. What is wrong with boomer women?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

NP. It’s not that, I think? It’s the boundary violation of doing this without asking or at least telling the OP and her husband. There was no understanding among them that this was okay.

If there was no understanding then they just had different expectations about what was deemed appropriate use of the code. If I were OP I would just talk to her and give her another code. Tell her to check in when she comes. People make mistakes and miscommunications happen but for OP just to shut her out seems unnecessary and fruitless. She could be handling this situation in a much gentler and more effective way.

OP here. That’s…literally what we did. We tried to talk to her and get on the same page. She would have none of that and instead stayed max. She refused to agree to call or text first or even to notify us when she is in the house, so no more code for her. It was my husband’s final decision.

All these posters saying you’re overreacting and rude need to read this and apologize.

Lol “all these posters”. It’s like a maximum of 2 people posting again and again 😂 And they’re both someone’s nightmare MIL

+1

They have a lot of free time to post on DCUM because their sons refuse to speak to them anymore.

[Anonymous]

That’s crazy and a huge violation of normal boundaries. Get video doorbells on all doors ASAP. We have a Ring and we get text alerts when people stop by - and it recognizes people and tells you by name.

If my MIL or mother mentioned they would be out all day and would like to stop by and rest before a longg drive, we’d of course say it’s ok. It’s the sneaking and lying that crosses the line.