MIL mad that we changed the door code without telling her

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think some of you, including OP, are missing two things:

1. Why do you feel so weird about a close relative entering without permission? It's not like she stole or snooped.

In some families, that's just normal. I let myself into my parents' apartment without "permission", because I have tacit blanket permission. I would never think of ASKING my parents to let me know when they arrive in my house, because in my mind, of course they can come whenever! I would never think of asking my children, once they're adults, to let me know when they drop in. They're welcome at any time.

So perhaps this poor MIL thinks that way too, especially as she's been helpful to you in the past feeding your cat, etc. Maybe it did not cross her mind that you'd find it so rude and boundary-crossing.

2. Going forward, if my kids or parents kicked up a huge fuss because I came in without their express and single-use permission, I would think twice about helping them in the future. I would be really hurt that they believe I'm not trustworthy.



So just think about what you're doing to your relationship with your MIL, if she's been a reliable person so far.

You don't know what she's doing when she's in op's house. Most normal people want notice and don't want people just walking in to their homes. Know one knows who is trustworthy or not. The polite and legal thing to do is to ask if you can drop in.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:He won’t let his mom use the bathroom??

This is not the issue. Of course they would. They asked that she let them know if she was coming over when they were oot and she refused.

The issue here is mil refuses to tell them she is going over when they are away.

This is NOT a bathroom issue.

Don't bother with this poster. Look at how she intentionally framed the issue in a way to make op seem heartless. This is manipulation at its finest.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

or like mine and goes through every single personal item she has time to get her hands on. I've seen neighbors do the same.

I can't imagine giving my key or key code to anyone else.

There was an older couple in my neighborhood when I bought my first house who expected everyone to give them keys because they "looked out for everyone". When I moved in, they gave me a tour of a neighbor's house who was on vacation. They went into her house many times during that week. Yes, I told on them once I met that neighbor. Everyone trusted them and gave them their keys except for a few of us. They never stole anything that I know of but I know they snooped and told me gossip they gleaned when they would go in the neighbor's houses. They went through bills and saw one neighbors kid was getting counselling.

Once neighbors insisted on giving me a key to their house. I'm trustworthy and never would consider going in to someone's house unless they told me to. I'm pretty certain they were hoping I would do the same. Nope. Within a few months I gave it back and told them there was no reason to have the key. The truth is you have no way of knowing who will be appropriate and who will take advantage.

Wow, that is beyond! What did your neighbors do/say when you told them the other neighbors gave you a house tour and went in their house several times when they were gone?

They were mortified. They relied upon this neighbor for help and were uncomfortable saying anything. They changed their front and back door locks and did it when that neighbor was not around.

The couple snooped in another neighbor's house but they were never friendly so I didn't feel comfortable telling them.

They seemed like a couple you would trust. If you got to know them you could see they had boundary issues. My spouse and I stayed friendly with them but had to put some distance between us. I had a baby and was home on maternity leave and twice they came to my house and actually turned the front door handle to see if they could get in. They would be bothered if they stopped by and I didn't answer the door. The husband was very bothered that we didn't give them keys to our house. We would find them in our back yard all the time when we came home from work. We went to their backyard once when we thought they were out of town and we were having flooding. They were very bothered by that. Here and there we had bbqs with another neighbor and they would let us know how upset they were they weren't invited. I was having work done on my house and the front door was open as the contractors were taking things in and they just walked in and walked around my house while I was upstairs. I hired a decorator and when they saw her car, they came over to my house and expected to be part of the process. What is crazy is we weren't that close. We helped them because they were older but they acted like they owned us. It was weird and by the time we moved we weren't speaking to them.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:You're not overreacting. It's a violation of the social contract. She had the code with the understanding she would only use it under certain circumstances. It is common courtesy to inform/ask someone to visit your home, especially when you aren't there. That she never mentioned she was going into your home while you weren't there is really odd. Her outrage at no longer having the code tells you all you need to know.

100%. If she had apologized and backed down and explained that she really relies on stopping by to use the restroom or take a break before driving again, maybe she could earn some grace. But her being mad at you and DH is beyond and shows you that you are right not to give her the new code. She brought this on herself. She could have asked first, or told you that she stopped by, or been contrite about the violation. These are appropriate consequences.

The fact that she is mad means she feels like she was caught. She knows what she was doing is wrong.

+1

Just like everyone defending her.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

I think some of you, including OP, are missing two things:

1. Why do you feel so weird about a close relative entering without permission? It's not like she stole or snooped.

In some families, that's just normal. I let myself into my parents' apartment without "permission", because I have tacit blanket permission. I would never think of ASKING my parents to let me know when they arrive in my house, because in my mind, of course they can come whenever! I would never think of asking my children, once they're adults, to let me know when they drop in. They're welcome at any time.

So perhaps this poor MIL thinks that way too, especially as she's been helpful to you in the past feeding your cat, etc. Maybe it did not cross her mind that you'd find it so rude and boundary-crossing.

2. Going forward, if my kids or parents kicked up a huge fuss because I came in without their express and single-use permission, I would think twice about helping them in the future. I would be really hurt that they believe I'm not trustworthy.



So just think about what you're doing to your relationship with your MIL, if she's been a reliable person so far.

Maybe MIL should think about what she is doing to her relationship with her son and DIL.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:She's not close family, period. Close family is parents and kids. They are the only ones with access to the house. Grandparents are extended family.

Close family is parents and kids? You mean like the mother in law and her son?

So MIL should have access to the house then. Thanks for clarifying.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:She's not close family, period. Close family is parents and kids. They are the only ones with access to the house. Grandparents are extended family.

Close family is parents and kids? You mean like the mother in law and her son?

So MIL should have access to the house then. Thanks for clarifying.

NP. Nope. And you know it.

[Anonymous]

I hope op doesn’t have any kids. She needs to learn to respect her elders first.

[Anonymous]

I am sure this is totally fine in some cultures. But based on the reaction of OP’s husband, it’s clearly not okay in their culture.

The no-harm-no-foul thing is, as usual, just a silly excuse for bad behavior.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope op doesn’t have any kids. She needs to learn to respect her elders first.

Respect is a two-way street. If you do not respect the privacy and autonomy of others, and if you don’t respect the preferences of the owners of the house, you are disrespectful and untrustworthy. Disrespectful, untrustworthy people do not deserve respect. Respect and trust are earned. Point blank period.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope op doesn’t have any kids. She needs to learn to respect her elders first.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:I hope op doesn’t have any kids. She needs to learn to respect her elders first.

Wow. This is not about respecting elders at all. This is a mother taking advantage of the fact she had a passcode for emergencies and pre-arranged activities. MIL is mad because her son found out she was snooping. He would not be upset if she had not crossed the line before — probably all his childhood — and now she’s crossing it with his wife, the OP.

[Anonymous]

I wonder how MIL would feel if her DIL dropped into her home any time she was not home.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP.

Why are people protesting that MIL should be able to do this, when it's not the *doing* of it that's the problem, but the doing of it *secretively* plus getting mad when the secretive part was unintentionally taken away from her?

Are people deliberately misreading the situation to feign outrage, or are people just misreading? Or do people have no sense of logic?

Pretty sure a lot of MILs or MILs-to-be are getting pretty upset at the knowledge that they don’t rule the roost anymore. Ask before entering someone’s home, people. Pretty basic stuff.

I'm a MIL and would never enter the DC family house unannounced. If they or other adult DC's need help with stuff like waiting for a plumber, appliance delivery, walk the dog, etc co MIL's plus fathers of adults could volunteer and use a code. All that stuff is scheduled. We have had adult DC's enter unscheduled and unknown. Childhood home where they still have stuff and all that.

I think OP MIL is exhibiting odd behavior. 3 hour round trip for Trader Joe's? People have had that for Ikea junkets but that's a one off and can involve big stuff. But groceries? Not a stop after visiting in the area or attending a show or family event and staying overnight.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:NP.

Why are people protesting that MIL should be able to do this, when it's not the *doing* of it that's the problem, but the doing of it *secretively* plus getting mad when the secretive part was unintentionally taken away from her?

Are people deliberately misreading the situation to feign outrage, or are people just misreading? Or do people have no sense of logic?

Pretty sure a lot of MILs or MILs-to-be are getting pretty upset at the knowledge that they don’t rule the roost anymore. Ask before entering someone’s home, people. Pretty basic stuff.

I'm a MIL and would never enter the DC family house unannounced. If they or other adult DC's need help with stuff like waiting for a plumber, appliance delivery, walk the dog, etc co MIL's plus fathers of adults could volunteer and use a code. All that stuff is scheduled. We have had adult DC's enter unscheduled and unknown. Childhood home where they still have stuff and all that.

I think OP MIL is exhibiting odd behavior. 3 hour round trip for Trader Joe's? People have had that for Ikea junkets but that's a one off and can involve big stuff. But groceries? Not a stop after visiting in the area or attending a show or family event and staying overnight.

OP said there were other stores she likes in there area, too. Maybe she’s into Nordstrom Rack or something like that, or yeah, maybe an IKEA. I’m not excusing MIL’s insane behavior, but it’s not just TJs from the sound of it.