MIL mad that we changed the door code without telling her

[Anonymous]

My parents and ILs both have our door code, even though they do not live local per se. My parents live 8 hours away and have the code but would only use it if DH and I were still at work when they arrived, or when we drove to a restaurant or something separately and they arrived back first. MIL lives about 1.5 hours away and same deal…or so we thought.

A few months ago we changed our code after having two different families watch our house/bring in packages/feed our cat (the cat sadly died a few months ago so we do not have one now). We trust these friends but also thought to change the code after there was a break in a few houses down, just being careful. A few vendors have also occasionally gotten the code so we thought let’s change it.

Anyway, we’re out of town this weekend. MIL called yesterday furious because she “stopped by” even though she knows well and good we are out this weekend, and was mad that we changed the code without telling her. Turns out that because we live close to a few stores she likes and a Trader Joe’s, she’s taken it upon herself to let herself into our house to go to the bathroom and “take a break before driving home” on some of her shopping excursions, without ever asking or telling us. She’s also stopped by before while we were home, but always called first.

I cannot believe she’s been in our home when we were at work or out of town and didn’t know. DH is confused and pissed. So am I! He told her straight up she will not be getting the new code unless she has a specific reason to have it and we know exactly when she’ll be using it. Unbelievable.

[Anonymous]

you are overreacting. I wouldn't have any issues having inlaws pop in to rest when we aren't there.

[Anonymous]

You are NTA. She is. I would never give her the code again.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you are overreacting. I wouldn't have any issues having inlaws pop in to rest when we aren't there.

NP. You are nuts. She never told them she’s been going into their house while they were out. Way, way, way over the line.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:you are overreacting. I wouldn't have any issues having inlaws pop in to rest when we aren't there.

No she’s not overreacting. There is no reason why MIL could not call or text her son or DIL to make sure it was OK to do this. This is a huge violation and I’m glad OP and DH are on the same page.

Name literally one reason why she couldn’t have called or texted first. Even if it was a bathroom emergency or feeling ill and she was telling not asking to come by, she should have said, “I wanted you to know I stopped by the house today after shopping because I needed to use the restroom and get water before getting back on the road. I’ll ask in the future but this time was kind of urgent.” Name literally one reason why she couldn’t have done at least that.

[Anonymous]

PP, I think you meant *poop in

Agree don’t give MIL the door code. I’d be pissed too, it’s an invasion of privacy.

[Anonymous]

I wouldn’t have an issue with it (apparently she left the house in fine form since you didn’t even realize she was there!) but agree she should have told you.

[Anonymous]

I have 10 people with saved door codes and get an update on my Apple Watch every time they use theirs.

[Anonymous]

You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you are overreacting. I wouldn't have any issues having inlaws pop in to rest when we aren't there.

No she’s not overreacting. There is no reason why MIL could not call or text her son or DIL to make sure it was OK to do this. This is a huge violation and I’m glad OP and DH are on the same page.

Name literally one reason why she couldn’t have called or texted first. Even if it was a bathroom emergency or feeling ill and she was telling not asking to come by, she should have said, “I wanted you to know I stopped by the house today after shopping because I needed to use the restroom and get water before getting back on the road. I’ll ask in the future but this time was kind of urgent.” Name literally one reason why she couldn’t have done at least that.

Depends how old she is, mine can’t text and some days they can hardly figure out how to call anyone.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

Name one reason why she couldn’t have asked permission before doing this. Name one.

Name one reason why if she did this she could not have told them about it after the fact. Name one.

[Anonymous]

This would not bother me. Do you not get along with her?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:you are overreacting. I wouldn't have any issues having inlaws pop in to rest when we aren't there.

No she’s not overreacting. There is no reason why MIL could not call or text her son or DIL to make sure it was OK to do this. This is a huge violation and I’m glad OP and DH are on the same page.

Name literally one reason why she couldn’t have called or texted first. Even if it was a bathroom emergency or feeling ill and she was telling not asking to come by, she should have said, “I wanted you to know I stopped by the house today after shopping because I needed to use the restroom and get water before getting back on the road. I’ll ask in the future but this time was kind of urgent.” Name literally one reason why she couldn’t have done at least that.

Depends how old she is, mine can’t text and some days they can hardly figure out how to call anyone.

OP here. She most certainly can text. She texts with us several times a week. She can text, call and is on social media. There’s also a family WhatsApp.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:You are just creating issues where they don’t need to exist. You said yourself she left the house with your not knowing she was there. She’s not trashing the place, forgetting to lock the door, or doing much of anything probably. I imagine she uses the bathroom, takes a cat nap or watches tv on the couch, drinks some water or grabs a soda and leaves. That’s what mine usually does. Stop making it an issue and let her in. I would much rather give my mother a key than have her drive back home if she needs a rest. That’s just terrible for you not to be mindful of her safety and well-being as she gets older.

OP here. DH and I have no problem with her resting, using the restroom, or getting food and drink while we are out. What we do have a problem with is that she didn’t ask us, or at least inform us after the fact. I can totally see a time when our place was where she needed to go in case of (let’s delicately say) “tummy troubles” and wanted to go somewhere private. But there is no reason she couldn’t tell us about that after the fact, at the very least.

Thank you to all the posters who get that this was a violation of our privacy and our trust. I appreciate the support and cannot believe she wouldn’t at the very least tell us after the fact, “Just so you know, I stopped by and used your restroom and had a ginger ale to settle my stomach after a shopping trip today.” I would have had no issue with that, at all.

[Anonymous]

You're not overreacting. It's a violation of the social contract. She had the code with the understanding she would only use it under certain circumstances. It is common courtesy to inform/ask someone to visit your home, especially when you aren't there. That she never mentioned she was going into your home while you weren't there is really odd. Her outrage at no longer having the code tells you all you need to know.