Still in love with AP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone think the OP is a female?

So, OP, come back and tell us: Man or woman?
Still in contact with the ex-AP?
What did improving your marriage look like--couples counseling etc. or just giving up AP? Asking seriously, OP, not with snark.

I haven’t read this whole thread yet but I’m grateful for everyone’s thoughts and feedback. Still in contact, AP is in a new serious relationship. AP’s new partner is fully aware we talk occasionally.

I’ve just discovered it came from an extreme desire to keep my family intact - like I went on a deluded mission to make my marriage better and that would be enough. I really desperately want it to be but I am having severe physical and mental health issues that are directly related to this breakup/what it requires to be functional in my marriage. I just figured this out in therapy. I thought I was handling it well but I was in a weird denial that therapy broke. I ended things. I am 100% sure they still love me.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:OP get therapy. You are a narcissist or have borderline personality disorder. The fact you have not learned empathy for your actions and what it could do to your husband/kids, the immense harm/trauma to another woman, children, family shows what a cold and calculated person who has had zero self-reflection over three years.

A supremely selfish person ugly on the inside.

I have no need to explain myself to you, but I will leave you with the thought that jumping to so many assumptions with so little information, or thinking that these are black and white issues is a somewhat limited way to interact with the world. There’s two or more sides of every story. Most people are doing their very best, even if their best sucks.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:We need to know if they're still in contact and whether she has good reason to think he still loves her or whether she's a nut.

But as someone who left my marriage to be with my AP after a 6-year affair, I will say it is possible to love a spouse but more as family rather than a lover. You can have a very good, calm, happy, but platonic relationship, which in a lot of ways can seem healthy and loving -- but you will always yearn for that romantic component. I think that's human nature. Those of you with husbands who actually desire you take that for granted while patting yourselves on the back for your high morals (and some of you probably deny your husbands the desire they'd like to feel). If OP and her AP are still in love, I think they should divorce and plan a life together.

Thanks for writing, I know they are because they told me several times recently. Even my therapist thinks it is a very special love, I swear!

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:The assumptions and just ignorant responses here are so wild. Who said that AP had and affair on his wife and child? You're just making stuff up!! We don't even know if OP is male or female!!

So many projections here. The truth is, you can love two people at once. It happens get over it. People compartmentalize all day, every day.

Two, I can name three exes that I know without a doubt that still love me and I was in a relationships with them over 20 years ago. When you have an intimate relationship with someone and you know what you know about them, it's not hard to imagine that they still love you. Sorry if you've never experienced that in your life.

But mostly, OP, don't go to AP's house unless you're ready to blow up your marriage. It will only cause a disaster. If you no longer want to be married, then divorce.

Wow, a sane response! I'm shocked. -NP

Me too! - OP

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just imagine him having sex with his wife. Legs over her head, doggy style snd the two of them falling asleep cradled in each other’s arms while he tells her how much he loves her and she’s the best thing that ever happened to him, stroking her cheek gently..

Imagine them at dinner earlier tonight, dressed to the nines, both turning heads as they walked in, feeding each other bites of their Michelin star plates. They look like movie stars together. You were so far below his level.

He gets up the next morning make her a latte and brings it to her in bed as he crawls back under the covers and puts his mouth between her legs.

Yeah you were a midlife bang that he hates himself for, almost losing everything he truly cared about. She never betrayed him and is too classy to ever be somebody’s side piece, a dirty nasty liar he could never trust. He has too much respect for her and never felt he was good enough.

You are delusional and aren’t close to the woman she is. You don’t know his mother’s name, his first love or what he is truly afraid of. Do you know the name of his best friend and how he died at 29? His deepest fears? The name of his childhood pet or the failure he felt when he couldn’t help his dad get off the bottle?

He didn’t confess any truths to you. You were somebody he needed to escape himself when he felt like sh@t and thought he wasn’t worthy. Thankfully he woke up, ended it and is making up for it every single day.

You are still delusional, living a lie and insecure.

I don’t know where to start here either. They already left their spouse and are in a new serious relationship

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

But as someone who left my marriage to be with my AP after a 6-year affair, I will say it is possible to love a spouse but more as family rather than a lover. You can have a very good, calm, happy, but platonic relationship, which in a lot of ways can seem healthy and loving -- but you will always yearn for that romantic component. I think that's human nature. Those of you with husbands who actually desire you take that for granted while patting yourselves on the back for your high morals (and some of you probably deny your husbands the desire they'd like to feel). If OP and her AP are still in love, I think they should divorce and plan a life together.

This is vomit-inducing. Of course your feelings for your spouse changed when you were investing emotionally and physically in someone else for six years. You can try to rationalize your shi!ty decisions but no else buys it.

My straying only happened after a very long time of not being desired, an entire marriage worth actually. I got married quite young and was too inexperienced to know what a good relationship looked like. We had a million talks about his lack of desire but nothing changed. I still considered it a good marriage believe it or not because we enjoyed each other's company. And I definitely loved him, but only like a brother after so much rejection -- this was years before the affair started, and I wasn't looking, but it was too intoxicating to give up when I found it.

And I'm glad I didn't, because I deserve a FULL marriage, one that includes sex and romance and affection and attraction. And I suspect most of the women (it's always women) who are so virulently anti-cheating have that type of relationship already and take it for granted. Like they think it's part of the definition of marriage, so they can't fathom that some spouses don't receive that. And they talk about not being able to look their husband in the eye if they ever cheated, as if it's their strong morals -- and not their overall sense of being treated well, loved, and respected by their husband -- that makes them feel that way.

And before you say "then you should've divorced if you didn't feel loved and respected", I didn't see why I should upend either of our lives when everyone was getting what they wanted. During my affair was probably the happiest time in my marriage for both of us because I wasn't harassing him to love me and he was free to immerse himself in golf and computer games. Until several years passed and I realized my initial lust for my AP hadn't subsided...

OP here, thanks for writing this all out. This was essentially the situation.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

And before you say "then you should've divorced if you didn't feel loved and respected", I didn't see why I should upend either of our lives when everyone was getting what they wanted. During my affair was probably the happiest time in my marriage for both of us because I wasn't harassing him to love me and he was free to immerse himself in golf and computer games. Until several years passed and I realized my initial lust for my AP hadn't subsided...

You get that this is the definition of selfish, right? The fact that you can look back on this event after having had time and space to process and still defend yourself without any ownership of how this could have played differently, with acknowledgment of the pain you caused your husband (and maybe kids and your AP’s spouse and kids), shows you are very broken. You admittedly didn’t decide to “upend” things until you knew you had a soft place to land. Nowhere in any of your posts do you ever address your ex’s feelings and the pain you caused him (I doubt he agrees that you loved him like a brother - families don’t usually crap on each other like that). Your complete focus is on you, your feelings, and what you are entitled to. Your current DH should be on the alert because if/when things are not all unicorns and rainbows, you are primed to cheat again.

You aren't going to convince me to feel guilty over hurting someone who hurt me for decades first and was given countless opportunities to stop. Nope.

And yet you are still married to him.

I think this poster is with the AP now and ended the marriage

[Anonymous]

So now you are going to ruin his new relationship after helping him blow up his marriage? You suck, OP.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone think the OP is a female?

So, OP, come back and tell us: Man or woman?
Still in contact with the ex-AP?
What did improving your marriage look like--couples counseling etc. or just giving up AP? Asking seriously, OP, not with snark.

I haven’t read this whole thread yet but I’m grateful for everyone’s thoughts and feedback. Still in contact, AP is in a new serious relationship. AP’s new partner is fully aware we talk occasionally.

I’ve just discovered it came from an extreme desire to keep my family intact - like I went on a deluded mission to make my marriage better and that would be enough. I really desperately want it to be but I am having severe physical and mental health issues that are directly related to this breakup/what it requires to be functional in my marriage. I just figured this out in therapy. I thought I was handling it well but I was in a weird denial that therapy broke. I ended things. I am 100% sure they still love me.

I'm sorry to say this but if you are having "severe physical and mental health issues that are directly related to this breakup" then you have severe physical and mental health issues ANYWAY. There is no such thing as a mentally healthy person who has a permanent breakdown over a lost relationship. There is something deeply wrong with you if you can't be normal and happy without one very specific romantic relationship. People go through lives dealing with breakups all the time - including breakups with people they were madly in love with. It doesn't permanently break them.

[Anonymous]

I think you need to at least see each other. No physical contact. But if you’re in this state after three years, both of you, then you need to figure it out.

How old are the kids? If your marriage is sexless, how is it better than ever?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:So now you are going to ruin his new relationship after helping him blow up his marriage? You suck, OP.

Yes. This is so highly dysfunctional !!!! Yiu haven’t let go abs you are still hurting your nose in his relationships.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Why does everyone think the OP is a female?

So, OP, come back and tell us: Man or woman?
Still in contact with the ex-AP?
What did improving your marriage look like--couples counseling etc. or just giving up AP? Asking seriously, OP, not with snark.

I haven’t read this whole thread yet but I’m grateful for everyone’s thoughts and feedback. Still in contact, AP is in a new serious relationship. AP’s new partner is fully aware we talk occasionally.

I’ve just discovered it came from an extreme desire to keep my family intact - like I went on a deluded mission to make my marriage better and that would be enough. I really desperately want it to be but I am having severe physical and mental health issues that are directly related to this breakup/what it requires to be functional in my marriage. I just figured this out in therapy. I thought I was handling it well but I was in a weird denial that therapy broke. I ended things. I am 100% sure they still love me.

I'm sorry to say this but if you are having "severe physical and mental health issues that are directly related to this breakup" then you have severe physical and mental health issues ANYWAY. There is no such thing as a mentally healthy person who has a permanent breakdown over a lost relationship. There is something deeply wrong with you if you can't be normal and happy without one very specific romantic relationship. People go through lives dealing with breakups all the time - including breakups with people they were madly in love with. It doesn't permanently break them.

And the need to butt into and mess up yet another one of his serious relationships. If he marries this one, will u start screwing him again? You sound like you have some sick need to keep him under your thumb and not allow him to be happy with someone else. This is VERY controlling. You need to fire your therapist, btw. She sounds like another quack enabler, telling u what u want to hear so you’ll keep coming back and paying her.

She should smack you across the face and tell you to get your head out of the clouds and to get your sh@t together.

[Anonymous]

I couldn’t be friends with someone like this. Her head is so far up her own @ss. Staying comfortable in her marriage for the lifestyle while messing everyone else’s up. Her husband deserves so much more.

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:Just imagine him having sex with his wife. Legs over her head, doggy style snd the two of them falling asleep cradled in each other’s arms while he tells her how much he loves her and she’s the best thing that ever happened to him, stroking her cheek gently..

Imagine them at dinner earlier tonight, dressed to the nines, both turning heads as they walked in, feeding each other bites of their Michelin star plates. They look like movie stars together. You were so far below his level.

He gets up the next morning make her a latte and brings it to her in bed as he crawls back under the covers and puts his mouth between her legs.

Yeah you were a midlife bang that he hates himself for, almost losing everything he truly cared about. She never betrayed him and is too classy to ever be somebody’s side piece, a dirty nasty liar he could never trust. He has too much respect for her and never felt he was good enough.

You are delusional and aren’t close to the woman she is. You don’t know his mother’s name, his first love or what he is truly afraid of. Do you know the name of his best friend and how he died at 29? His deepest fears? The name of his childhood pet or the failure he felt when he couldn’t help his dad get off the bottle?

He didn’t confess any truths to you. You were somebody he needed to escape himself when he felt like sh@t and thought he wasn’t worthy. Thankfully he woke up, ended it and is making up for it every single day.

You are still delusional, living a lie and insecure.

You don't have sex much, I see. 1) legs over her head is NOT doggy style. 2) stroking the cheek gently? Where did you see this, on Lifetime?

[Anonymous]

Anonymous wrote:

Anonymous wrote:Just imagine him having sex with his wife. Legs over her head, doggy style snd the two of them falling asleep cradled in each other’s arms while he tells her how much he loves her and she’s the best thing that ever happened to him, stroking her cheek gently..

Imagine them at dinner earlier tonight, dressed to the nines, both turning heads as they walked in, feeding each other bites of their Michelin star plates. They look like movie stars together. You were so far below his level.

He gets up the next morning make her a latte and brings it to her in bed as he crawls back under the covers and puts his mouth between her legs.

Yeah you were a midlife bang that he hates himself for, almost losing everything he truly cared about. She never betrayed him and is too classy to ever be somebody’s side piece, a dirty nasty liar he could never trust. He has too much respect for her and never felt he was good enough.

You are delusional and aren’t close to the woman she is. You don’t know his mother’s name, his first love or what he is truly afraid of. Do you know the name of his best friend and how he died at 29? His deepest fears? The name of his childhood pet or the failure he felt when he couldn’t help his dad get off the bottle?

He didn’t confess any truths to you. You were somebody he needed to escape himself when he felt like sh@t and thought he wasn’t worthy. Thankfully he woke up, ended it and is making up for it every single day.

You are still delusional, living a lie and insecure.

Damn, this is a crazy imagination.

I cheated on my wife, and while I wasn't completely miserable in my marriage, it was nothing like this. I suspect if men had this reality with their wives, the infidelity rate would be very low. Men cheat mostly because they are sexually neglected.

This is hilarious. I usually ask my H if we are boning today and 99.9% of the times he says yes. If I'd tell him that he's the best thing that ever happened to me, he'd think I had a stroke. The PO reads too many really bad romance novels.